Title: Candy from a baby
Author: Txenriks
Summary: In an alternate universe, Roxas moves in with Axel and everything /seems/ to be working out ok... until they get an unexpected delivery at their doorstep. Absolute, complete crack. Yay for CRACK! AxelxRoxas
Rating: T for perverted humor, sexual implications, and maybe language, just in case. No lemons, limes, or lymons though. (not even cherry limeade!) --;; Yes, it pains me too, but they will NOT be getting it on in this story... sigh For reasons that soon become apparent.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, Axel would have NEVER DIED EVER and he and Roxas would be able to live, laugh, love, and cry, happily ever after, running into the sunset... I also don't own Rice Krispies. . Otherwise Snap Krackle and Pop would be a lot hotter looking. And they'd wear leather. Lots of leather..
Anyway, don't come crying to me just because the characters have been a little OOC-ified for the sake of humor, kk? Review, and fluffy bunnies will come to worship your feet.
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These days, Roxas liked to lay still, thinking, for a long time after he woke up. Unwilling to shatter the peace of the morning, he would close his eyes, letting Axel's warmth sink into his back.
Axel- thank God for Axel. He had saved Roxas from a fate worse than death-
...another year with his parents.
Roxas'd been trying to move out ever since he'd started attending the private school a few towns away, saying that he needed to live closer to campus. But he was underage, and his parents wouldn't have it. That, and they wanted him nearby so they could foist him off on blind dates with random girls his age. He couldn't stand it any more, so he planned to run away- and actually, he'd first met Axel while trying to climb down the side of his house. Interesting story, but one for another time.
Meeting Axel had helped calm down Roxas a bit (it was nice to have a friend to vent to)- but the guilt he started to feel around his parents once he and Axel started dating was worse. It was Axel who had come up with the solution to his problem. The older boy invited himself to dinner at Roxas's house one night, and put on the show of both their lifetimes.
Axel was wonderful. For days after the dinner, all that came out of Roxas's parents' lips was garbage about "Sweet Axel, polite Axel, trustworthy Axel..." The list goes on and on. But anyway, of course when Axel "heard" about Roxas's too-far-from-school predicament, he offered to let Roxas move into his house. And Roxas's parents couldn't resist those big, green eyes. So of course they said yes. They even said that they hoped Axel could "become like a member of the family"... ha, riight. Just not in the brotherly way that they'd hoped.
Roxas knew he should eventually try to fix things with his parents. He'd seen far too many rebellious teens turn into criminal, suicidal, or mentally disordered adults. But what was he supposed to do? Walk up to them and say, "Yeah, mom, dad. I'm not gay, really! There's just this one guy who I happen to really like, who I also happen to have had sex with... But I'm not gay, honest! Don't disown me!"
...It wasn't entirely untrue. Roxas didn't really think of himself as gay. He didn't check out other hot guys, not even in the regretful sort of way that a married man looks at the bosomy blond down the street. In fact, he'd never had feelings for anyone- guy or girl- besides Axel. It was like Axel was his exception- the exception to all the rules. Sexuality had nothing to do with it, for Roxas anyway. It was Axel himself that mattered, not his gender. (He could have been a talking penguin, and though it would have been really weird at first, Roxas probably would have still loved him.) If other people were homosexual or heterosexual... then he was Axelsexual.
(author's note: nosebleed Um, yah... Axelsexual should SO be added to the dictionary. It's my new favorite word of the year. Of the decade. Of the century. OF THE MILLENIUM! OF THE EON!)
Roxas wanted to ask Axel if he felt the same way. But he could very well imagine what would happen if he walked up to his lover and asked, "Hey, Axel, are you Roxasexual?" Axel had a libido as long and wide as... certain other parts of his being, and "sex" was its trigger word. It had been bad enough early last year in Health class when the as-of-then innocent Roxas had to sit there in sex ed, wondering why his friend was staring at him with such an... ancy expession.
(Luckily, it hadn't taken him too long to figure it out- after only two classes of sex ed, Axel had broken down and jumped Roxas on their way home from school. Not that that was a BAD thing. But it was a good thing that Axel had graduated this year, no matter how much Roxas would miss him. If they'd been stuck in another year of health class together, then he was fairly certain that the class would have been treated to some very real sexual education right there on the teacher's desk.)
He'd moved into Axel's house a few weeks ago, but he still felt... self-conscious about the whole idea. The neighbors looked at them funny, and that sneaky old harridan across the street would use any excuse to spy on them. Roxas wasn't surprised, and it wasn't only because they were openly a couple. Axel was one of those people who are difficult to age- but he sure didn't look like he was only one year older than Roxas's 17. He looked like he could be anywhere from 19 to 25, but he had the hyperactivity of a 6 year old, a ten year old's sense of humor, the perversion of an old man, and occasionally, the love and sensibility of someone far beyond his years. All this, wrapped into a package of messy crimson hair, blinding green eyes, and a flashing grin, to create the stubborn, flirtatious, passionate boy that Roxas loved.
...Not that Roxas's love could change their neighbor's opinions on the matter. Of course, it didn't help that Roxas hadn't grown much since he was fifteen. No wonder the neighbors thought Axel was some kind of pedophile kidnapper rapist. And the noises that came from Axel's house at night probably did nothing to dispel the notion...
Roxas suppressed the urge to giggle uncontrollably, not wanting to wake Axel. He needn't have worried, though- his thoughts were soon interrupted by a cheerful voice in his ear. "Good morning, Roxy!" The greeting was quickly followed by many pokes, proddings, and ticklings on the part of Axel's hands, and many squirmings on the part of Roxas. "C'mon, you know I don't get out of bed without you, and I'm hooongry."
That was the understatement of all time. Axel was always "hooongry". Some people thought he was anorexic because of his unnatural thinness, but really Axel had such an unnaturally high metabolism that he had to eat like a horse just to keep from wasting away.
So Roxas allowed himself to be dragged downstairs and be plopped in front of the table. Axel busied himself with god-knows-what at the kitchen counter, while Roxas tried to get his eyelids unglued from each other. A few seconds later, the room was filled with the merry chatter of our good elf pals, Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Roxas wondered vaguely if putting a knife through their cereal box pictures would make the noise stop. Probably not, he decided regretfully.
Axel slid into the seat next to him, bringing two bowls of Rice Krispies with him. Roxas managed to smile and lift a spoonful of the stuff to his mouth... He had already chewed and swallowed it before his brain registered that something was wrong. He just couldn't quite put his finger on it. He thought about it for a few moments, distracted by the sight of Axel gobbling down his own bowl of talkative cereal.
Oh, right. His mouth was on fire. Huh.
Roxas gasped and lunged for the refrigerator's water dispensor, the feeling of an inferno in his mouth having finally kicked into full blast.
"What?" Axel asked, voice curious and innocent. "Too much habenero? Or is it the tabasco sauce...?"
Roxas gulped water for several more seconds before he could attempt to reply. Even then, he clung to the fridge like a dying man. "Axel... Axel, that was THE spiciest thing I've EVER eaten IN MY LIFE." By then, the acid eating into his taste buds had returned, and he turned back to the water dispensor.
Don't get him wrong. Roxas liked spicy foods as much as the next guy. But when it came to cooking, Axel had an INSANE pepper fetish. Probably that was why he always smells so good. Roxas thought. So...pleasantly spicy.
Roxas pulled himself back onto his chair, mouth numb. "Next time, Axel... let me make my own cereal. I don't have your tolerance to spicy foods, remember?"
"Right. Sorry..." The redhead looked geniunely sad, so of course Roxas just had to lean over and kiss him. Now that his tounge was basically dead, the taste of tabasco lingering on Axel's lips actually wasn't that bad. Pretty delicious, to tell the truth. Maybe he should give Tabasco Krispies another shot- just with a lot less enthusiasm when shaking the bottle, next time. And if only he could use Axel's mouth instead of a bowl...yeah. That'd be perfect.
Roxas flushed when the sudden sound of a doorbell woke him from his reverie. With a sigh, he let go of Axel and walked towards the front door. "Yep- don't bother getting up, 'cause I love answering doors while wearing boxers, thanks ever so much..." Despite his sarcasm, he couldn't help but beam when the tirade caused Axel to chuckle behind him.
He crossed the remainder of the hallway to the front door, his bare feet making little padding noises against the wood floor. He grasped the ornate handle and swung the door open, peeking out into the outside world apprehensively. "Hello?" He called out, looking around.
There was no one there. Roxas was quite ready to believe it was just that spying old biddy again, but then he saw it. Something was sitting there on the front porch.
Roxas knew exactly what the thing sitting on their front porch was. Of course he did. It was glaringly obvious, clear from the moment he saw it. Still, he couldn't believe it, even though we've already covered its obviousness at least three times. And just to prove that he couldn't believe it, he simply /had/ to incredulously blurt out the name of this thing, for all the world (really just Axel) to hear.
"It's a BABY!"
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