Big Brother

Abby Ebon

O.o.O.o.O.o.O

I think everyone can see it but Dean.

How Dean's overprotective of me; yet follows Dad's orders to the letter. Even when the man is god- only- knows- where.

All that's left of Dad is his book, and Dean treats it like a freaking bible.

I don't have as great of a memory as Dean does. What I remember most of all is Dean following Dad's orders, worshiping the ground Dad walked on.

Dad never needed me to do any hunting- he had Dean as his right hand guy, and that was good enough for the both of them.

Sometimes I think Dean promising to keep me safe, somehow included an unspoken agreement between Dad and Dean.

Like if Dean kept me safe, Dad would only let Dean hunt with him- do the dangerous things.

Dad taught me how to fire a gun in high school. Dean has probably known how to fire a gun around grade school, or younger.

I only started taking the time to really notice things like that around high school.

Given that my memory isn't as trained as Dean's who I suspect Dad trained to remember and react at a young age.

I have to lay awake at night and try think of a time when Dean didn't act like, well, Dad.

When did Dean not know how to fire a gun?

When did Dean not know about the monsters in the night?

When did Dean not follow Dad's orders to a T?

What's worse is I can't remember a time when Dean was 'normal'. If he ever didn't know those things, didn't try his best to protect me, I can't remember it.

Dean was always Dad's little warrior. Dean always had to be the protector- the defender; never the protected- the victim.

Worse he was my protector.

What I do remember was the constant moving; always being the new kid- and Dean always being the one to defend me from the bullies.

Only to bring the bullies wraith on himself, but that was alright with him, because he'd followed Dad's orders- he'd protected me.

I always felt guilty when he came back with bruises or a black eye- or worse. Still do.

Dad never made much fuss about Dean as he did when I was hurt. If I was hurt Dean had failed, and he lost credit in Dad's eyes- so Dean tried to make sure he never failed Dad.

Now that I'm older I know that what Dad made Dean do was wrong.

Dean was still young when Dad made him my protector- it shouldn't have been Dean's responsibility to take care of me. But it was.

Still is, probably always will be.

Because Dean is focused on taking care of me, protecting me, while we're fighting the monsters he doesn't watch his own back as well as he should.

Dean leaves himself open for attack, even if he doesn't realize it.

Maybe he does, and that's why he does it. So the monsters will go after him if they get an opening.

He fights better when he's alone, how do I know? Dean's not the only one who knows how to work a VCR. He doesn't know it, but Dad taped most of his early hunts- even the ones Dad wasn't on.

It's better then Jacky Chan; yet it hurts something in me to watch him in a fight.

I can't help but be drawn to it, to think it's happening right now; even when I know it happened years ago.

I know some things about those monsters- that some are older then Dean by centuries. I can't help but be awed that Dean faced them all and won.

That Dean is still alive to tell the tale.

Even if I know he won't tell me about any of it. Maybe that's another promise to Dad.

I wonder a lot about Mom, even if I barely remember her.

Wonder about why Dad is so hard on Dean- but let me grow up how I wanted.

Maybe he thought because Dean was older Dean was Dad's responsibility to train as a Hunter.

Because I was younger I got the 'easy' life.

Maybe Dad dealt with Mom's disappearance by telling himself if I remained 'innocent' of Hunter- life she'd come back.

Dad's very lifestyle prevented that; sure he tried to hide what he did from me, but Dean knew- and Dean can keep a secret with the best of them if he's awake- when he's asleep he talks.

I never let on that I knew, but I think Dean suspected. He never questioned me on it though; maybe he thought I had a right to know. He'll probably never answer me if I ask him- so I don't. It's enough that he's taking me with him.

Sometimes I think everyone can see it but Dean.

See how sometimes - I'm jealous.

Jealous that Dean knows Dad, like he does -in both a Father-Son way; and a fellow Hunter way.

A way I never got a chance to know him.

At least now I'm learning about Dean in a way I never really realized was there before.

Realized what was missing from our 'brotherly-bond'- the realization that he is a Hunter.

How Dean is a 'Hunter', the part of him Dad trained and honed to a perfected warrior, how that part of him and the 'big brother' part of him coexist.

Tolerating each other just barely- the Hunter wanting to protect everyone; yet they are so alike at the same time- both want to protect me; whither that is because Dad made it that way, or just Dean at the core, I don't think I'll ever truly know.

Never the less –he is my big brother, he'll protect me with his life. But I've got to protect him too.

I've got to make sure that when he leaves his defenses down for the monsters to take advantage of; that they never get a chance to hurt him instead of me.