Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or the Wizard of Oz. I am responsible for my munted imagination though.
A/N: This is mild Ziva bashing… but I do tend to make fun of many characters that I actually love so don't hate me.
Abby didn't notice as her Caf-Pow crashed to the floor when she spun around to her computer. It was left there, seeping its contents slowly onto the floor.
"What have you got for me Abbs?" Gibbs' voice asked from just behind her.
"Gibbs! Don't do that - you scared me! I've got good news Boss-man! Check this out!" Abby excitedly rushed over toward her other computer, still not seeing the Caf-Pow puddle. Her boots connected with the slippery slosh and she went down, hitting her head hard on the floor.
Blackness.
When she opened her eyes again everything was brightly lit and strange. She sat up, Bert was on her lap. She hugged him tightly as her head fogged up and the world began to spin. Slowly she stood up and refocused.
"Bert, where are we?"
She turned around to see her lab in the middle of a forest. It appeared to have fallen on somebody! She moved down to examine the feet that were sticking out from beneath her lab.
"Oh my God Bert! We killed someone!" Abby squealed as she recognized the boots. "Ari's boots?" She shrugged. "Meh."
Abby stood, peering at the boots on Ari's feet. They weren't bad-looking at all… aside from the name carved in the bottom. But you wouldn't see that if the person wasn't lying down.
"You want the boots don't you?" Abby spun around quickly at the sound of the female voice.
"Who are you?" She asked the floating woman in front of her.
"I'm Kate, the good witch of the North."
"Oh… hi… I like your wings."
"Thanks. You like the boots?"
"Well… they're OK…" Abby said nonchalantly.
"They're yours. The Wicked Witch of the West has been ogling them, but I much like you better."
She felt her feet tingle and looked down. She was wearing Ari's boots.
"Hey! Neat trick!"
"Thanks. You're trick wasn't so bad either. I mean, crushing the wicked witch of the East with a laboratory was pretty cool. And you freed the elf lords too!"
Abby heard the small creatures in the distance clapping and cheering.
"Ah… it was nothing. Really. So, can I go home now?"
"Oh, I'm afraid you'll have to consult the Wizard of Oz on that one."
"So, you can make shoes appear on my feet, but you can't send me and Bert home?"
Kate the good witch shrugged. "Pretty much. You just follow the yellow brick road to where the Wizard lives and he'll grant you one wish."
"Only one?"
"Yes."
"OK, well if you can make the shoes appear… could you do me a favour and get me a Caf-Pow?"
"No. All that sugary crap isn't good for you."
"Are good witches allowed to say 'crap'?"
"Hey, I am still a witch."
"I suppose." Abby looked at the yellow brick road. "Why does it have to be so bright and cheery? Wouldn't a black road make more sense?"
"Stop picking on the decor and get a move on! I'll be around…" Kate the good witch then disappeared in a puff of purple smoke and, after recovering from a huge coughing fit, Abby began to bounce down the yellow brick road.
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"We're off to see the wizard-man, the wonderful wizard-man of Oz!" Abby sang in her best rock voice as she bounced along the yellow brick road, her pigtails shaking as she began head-banging. She stopped by a large tree to do a rockin' air-guitar solo, but was interrupted by someone trying to hit on her.
"How you doin'?" A scarecrow who was leaning on the tree and waggling his eyebrows asked her.
Abby didn't answer her and instead hugged Bert closer to herself so that he emitted a rather inappropriate noise.
"I'm Tony the Scarecrow… what's your name?"
"I'm Abby the Lab Rat and this is Bert the Farting Hippo."
The scarecrow looked confused.
"What's a farting hippo?"
"Bert is. Duh!" Abby held Bert out in front of her and squeezed him for effect. "What's wrong with you? No brain?"
"Well actually… yeah."
"Oh…"
There was an awkward silence until Abby accidentally hugged Bert too tightly again.
"You can come with us to see the great Wizard-man of Oz if you want. He can give you a brain."
Tony the scarecrow shrugged. "OK cool." He tried to link elbows with Abby, who snatched her arm away quickly.
"Don't touch me – you may have fleas."
"And Chlamydia!" Tony the scarecrow stated proudly. Abby frowned. "The good witch told me that," he told her happily as they continued bouncing. "I think she likes me."
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Ten games of eye-spy (all of which Abby won) later and they stopped walking.
"Do you hear that?" Tony the scarecrow asked Abby.
"You mean that squeaking and clanking? Yes. Yes I do."
They both looked into the enchanted forest to their left for the source of the noise.
Suddenly Tony the Scarecrow let out a yelp as something hard hit the back of his head. They both turned to see a pissed-off looking tin-man.
"Hey! Why'd you slap me for!" Tony the Scarecrow yelled at him.
"Felt like it," the tin-man shrugged.
"Have you no heart!" Tony yelled again.
"No," the tin-man responded and slapped him upside the head once again.
"Who are you? Abby asked, tilting her head to one side as Tony the Scarecrow rubbed his.
"Gibbs the Tin-man," he replied gruffly.
"Well Gibbs the Tin-man, come with us and the Wizard-man of Oz can give you a heart! And stop hitting Tony, he squeals too loudly and Bert here has sensitive ears." Bert let out another unnecessary noise.
Gibbs the Tin-man groaned. "I need oil."
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The three musketeers continued making their way along the yellow brick road: Abby bouncing, her pigtails swinging, Tony dawdling and playing with Bert and Gibbs marching stiffly and trying not to squeak quite so loudly.
Suddenly a lion jumped out into their path, baring its claws.
"Um… uh… r-roar?" The lion tried and Tony the Scarecrow started laughing.
"And roar to you too!" Abby greeted him, smiling broadly.
"What do you think you're doing Cubbly?" Tony the Scarecrow asked the lion when he'd controlled the laughing.
"I'm a lion… aren't – aren't you scared of me?"
"No," Gibbs the Tin-man told him matter-of-factly.
"Oh. Well in that case… my name's Timmy."
"Nice to meet you Timmy." Abby shook the lion's paw. "Hey! Nice claws! Where'd you get them?"
"I, uh…"
"So what do you need Cubbly? Coming with us to see the wizard? What you gonna ask for?"
"Oh… I guess I could use some courage…"
"Some? You need more than just some when we're competing against the Wicked Witch of the West!" Tony the Scarecrow grinned evilly.
"Ahh! W-witch?" Timmy the cowardly lion hid behind Bert, who let out a fart in response. This also scared Timmy the Lion and he began to tremble.
"Don't worry Timmy. She's pretty much left us alone so far. If she thinks she can get her filthy little hands on these boots, she's got another thing coming!" Abby kicked and punched the air karate-style, missing Timmy the Lion by a whisker.
"What do you mean pretty much left you alone?"
"Oh, well she sent these bat-monkeys after us." Abby shrugged and continued to kick and punch the air.
"And Abby befriended them and gave them vouchers for a day-spa," Gibbs finished for her when he saw the look of confusion on Timmy's face.
"Can we keep going now? I wanna get to the wizard before Magnum starts," Tony the Scarecrow complained and they all kept walking down the yellow brick road.
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The four of them (plus Bert) finally reached Emerald City and stood in front of a tall building.
"Cool!" Abby exclaimed as she went waltzing through the doors and into the chamber of the Wizard. The others followed her in, noting all the fog and lights.
"Cool! It's like a club! Wonder if there are any hot chicks!" Tony the Scarecrow started bopping his head and scanning the room for ladies.
"Hey! Wizard-man! I want to go home!" Abby called out to no one in particular. Suddenly a giant head appeared in front of them.
"Welcome to my humble abode! I am the great Wizard of Oz!... but you may call me Ducky," the head said.
"Ducky?" Gibbs the Tin-man was confused.
Timmy the lion was shaking.
Tony the Scarecrow was winking at his reflection in one of the mirrors.
Bert farted again.
"Yo, Duck-man! I want to go home!" Abby called to him.
"Well I shall grant all of your wishes if you prove your worthiness by bringing back the broomstick of the Wicked With of the West!"
All four of them sighed.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Tony the Scarecrow wailed.
"W-w-witch?" Timmy the Lion trembled.
Gibbs the Tin-man slapped them both upside the head.
Abby narrowed her eyes at the giant head who was now babbling on about something that reminded him of something-or-another.
"OK Bert lets go find this stupid witch and her stupid broom!"
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"How are we going to find where she lives?" Tony the Scarecrow asked as they entered the enchanted forest.
"She's in there," Gibbs the Tin-man shrugged and pointed behind them to a house on a hill.
"How do you know?" Tony questioned.
"The big sign that says "Wicked Witch of the West Lives Here, please take off your shoes" not a big enough clue?" He replied sarcastically. Tony pouted and started playing with the rim of his hat.
"It's not my fault I can't read. I am missing a brain you know."
"You guys go ahead. I think I'll just stay here and keep safe- I mean watch, keep watch," Timmy the lion told them.
"OK. I'll go in and get the broomstick while you three stay out here. If I'm not back in ten minutes I'm in trouble."
"But what if you get hurt! Abby no!" Timmy began wailing before Gibbs slapped him.
"Don't worry about me Timmy – I'll have Bert for protection."
Abby started climbing the hill until she was standing outside the door to the house. She slowly opened the door and snuck in. Tiptoeing as carefully as she could, she peered around the corner of a wall and saw the Wicked Witch herself. She was slouched in an armchair reading the English Dictionary of Colloquialisms. Shrugging, Abby spotted the broomstick a few meters away and stretched out her arm to reach it.
Slowly, slowly she reached out toward the broomstick, as her fingertips touched the wood, she nearly lost her balance, wobbling slightly, she squashed Bert and he let out a loud burst of flatulence.
"Oh crap," Abby slapped her palm to her face, looking through her fingers to see the Wicked Witch approaching her.
"And what do you think you're doing?"
"Stealing your broomstick… and you?"
"Stealing those shoes."
The two stared at each other a moment.
"So… you're the Wicked Witch of the West huh?"
"Yep. Ziva's the name. And you must be the one who killed my half-brother… Abbo is it?"
"Abby. So… I'll trade you then? The boots for the broomstick?"
"You killed my brother. I should probably try to kill you."
There was an awkward silence as they both considered it.
"I never much liked him any way," Ziva the Wicked Witch of the West said. "Tell you what, I'll give you the broomstick if you give me those boots and a voucher to the day-spa you gave my goons."
"Deal." Just as Ziva handed Abby the broomstick, Gibbs knocked the door down with his axe and he, Tony and Timmy all came bounding into the house to "rescue" her.
"ROAR!" Timmy roared his loudest and Ziva's mouth opened in shock. Impressed. In all the commotion, Timmy the lion got so excited he accidentally knocked Tony the Scarecrow over near the fireplace and he caught on flames! Gibbs the Tin-man threw a bucket of water over Tony to put out the fire. He succeeded and some of the water got on Ziva the Wicked Witch and she melted into a puddle on the floor.
"Cool!" Abby exclaimed.
"W-we defeated the Wicked Witch!" Timmy the Lion got so excited he hugged Abby and Tony the Scarecrow… he wasn't crazy enough to hug Gibbs the Tin-man (or at least not until he got his heart from the wizard).
"So how does it feel Cubbly?" Tony said with an arm around the lion's shoulders.
"Feels good. He had a mane more wild than mine… that's just not right."
"I hear ya buddy!"
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All four of them rushed out of the house and back down the yellow brick road.
They reached the chamber of the Wizard again and rushed in through the doors.
"Yo! Wizard-Ducky-Dude! We got the broomstick!" Abby yelled.
"I'm afraid you're too late. You'll have to come back tomorrow," the big head told them harshly.
"But-"
"Go!"
Gibbs the Tin-man was mad. Very mad. He took Bert out of Abby's arms and threw him at the head. Abby screamed.
Bert flew through the air and into a tall curtain. The curtain collapsed to reveal a small man with glasses sitting at a mother load of machinery and devices.
"Woah!" Abby rushed over to grab Bert and check out the equipment. "Just wait til I get home, I gotta tell the Boss I need some new equipment for the lab!"
"The lab that's sat in the middle of a forrest?" Gibbs asked her angrily.
"Ye- wait… there's no great Wizard-man!"
"I, uh…"
"Who are you?"
"My name's Jimmy."
"Right… and can you give us what we want Jimmy?"
"You don't need me to give it to you. You already had it."
"Excuse me?" Tony the scarecrow furrowed his brow in confusion.
"Well, you for starters Tony the Scarecrow – you've always had a brain. Every living thing has a brain," Jimmy told him.
"I don't understand."
"Are you sure he has one?" Gibbs the Tin-man sneered.
"Yes. You want proof?" Jimmy produced a diploma to Tony the Scarecrow, who began to sing and dance. "I have a brain! Oh yeah, I have a brain!"
"And you, Timmy the lion, you are merely a victim of disorganized thinking. You are a brave creature for rescuing Abby from the Wicked Witch of the West!"
"But I didn't need rescuing," Abby protested.
"That is beside the point. Here, have a medal," Jimmy presented Timmy with a medal around his neck and, after the lion worked out the medal would not hurt him and stopped trying to run away from it, he thanked the man.
"So where's my heart?" Gibbs the Tin-man asked Jimmy. His eyes bore holes as if daring him to rip him off.
"Take this," Jimmy replied shakily, handing him a testimonial.
'A heart is not judged by how much you love,
but by how much you are loved by others'
Gibbs the Tin-man kept that in mind as he was about to slap Jimmy upside the head. He lowered his hand instead.
"Hey, do I get a couple of ladies with this diploma?" Tony asked, but he was ignored.
"Can you take me home?" Abby asked Jimmy.
"We can fly back in my hot-air balloon," Jimmy winked at her. A slight shiver ran up her spine, but she desperately wanted to go home so she nodded her head in acceptance.
"Goodbye all of you! I'll miss you!" Abby called out as she raced to catch up to Jimmy who was so impatient he was already getting into the balloon.
Just as the balloon was about to lift and Abby was waving to all her new friends, Bert fell out of the basket. Abby squealed and jumped out after him just as the balloon lifted and began to float away.
"Now how am I ever going to get home!" She sobbed.
"Don't cry Abby," Kate the Good Witch told her as she appeared from nowhere.
"Well, hello!" Tony waggled his eyebrows at her and she rolled her eyes.
"How can I possibly get back to work now?" Abby complained.
"You've had the power to go back this whole time. Just click the heels of Ari's boots together and repeat the phrase 'There's no place like home'."
"Why didn't you tell me that before! I've been stuck in this crazy-ass place all day and I could have left ages ago! What is this place!"
"Just settle down and do it already!" Kate snapped.
"OK, come on Bert, time to get back to the lab."
"Goodbye Abby," Timmy the Lion said shyly and hugged his new-found friend.
"Goodbye Timmy, my brave, courageous hunk of love!"
He blushed.
"Bye Abbs," Gibbs the Tin-man kissed her lightly on the top of her head.
"Goodbye my silver-covered friend!"
Tony and Kate were whispering and giggling several meters away so Abby just left them to it, clutched Bert tightly and clicked her heels together.
"There's no place like my lab, there's no place like my lab…"
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"Abby? Come on Abbs wake up," Gibbs called softly to Abby as she lay on the floor of the lab.
"Gibbs?" She mumbled and opened her eyes.
"She's back!" Tony said as he, McGee and Gibbs all peered down at her.
"I'm back!" Abby tried to sit up but nearly collapsed again when dizziness overcame her.
"And don't ever do that to us again!" McGee told her sternly.
"I won't Cubbly, I mean Timmy. I'll never leave again. And I should probably cut down on the caffeine too…" she spotted Bert across the room and grinned.
OK… I apologize for all of that. Really… I'm sorry. Lol… review? Please?