A/N: I liiiiiive! I am so, so sorry for abandoning you all like that…I'd give you all my reasons/excuses why I was gone so long, but I don't want to bore you to tears. The bottom line is that, finally, after re-thinking, re-typing, and re-beta'ing this chapter, Volte-face has finally been updated. Yay! I hope you enjoy this chapter, and that it makes you laugh—I did snicker a couple of times while typing it, so hopefully I'll get the same reaction from my dear readers. Credit is due to the shows Still Standing and Monk, as well as my sister, for a few humorous moments put in here.
Reviews, as always, are greatly needed and appreciated even more. They help me think up new stuff for the next chapter! And also, they reassure me that this story doesn't totally stink. :D
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, its characters, its locations, or any other part of it...but it would make a great present, so if anyone from Square-Enix is reading this, my birthday's in June. ;D
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Chapter Ten: An Unfortunate Misunderstanding
It was a peaceful Sunday morning in Wutai, and the Turks were walking silently down the street. Tseng was striding just slightly ahead of them, purposefully guiding his coworkers toward their destination—although none of the others knew where exactly that was, since Tseng hadn't bothered telling them. In fact, as soon as he'd gotten the phone number he sought from the operator the day before, Tseng had merely narrowed his eyes, told the others to "be ready to leave within the next hour," and walked out of the room without any further explanation or comment.
I hate it when he does that, Reno thought darkly, glaring at the back of Tseng's head. He won't tell us what we're going up against until it jumps out of an alley and tries to cut your head off, or break your spine, or dislocate your shoulder…
"Would you like to say something, Reno?" Tseng asked over his shoulder.
"If I'd like to say something, I'd say it," Reno groused, resisting the urge to kick at the stones on the ground. And that's another thing, he thought. How does he know when I'm thinking trash about him? Wonder if Shin-Ra put some kind of implant in his brain for quality employee control…or maybe it's just a Wutaiian thing.
"I'm sure we'll be there soon," Elena piped up, breaking into Reno's dark thoughts. She gave him a small smile.
He glanced at his coworker and hesitated, trying to decide whether to make a sarcastic, harsh remark or return her kindness. "We'll have to get there soon," he agreed at last. "Otherwise, we'll walk out of Wutai altogether. This town isn't that big."
"You can stop your complaining," Tseng replied coolly, coming to a halt. "We're here."
"Doesn't look like much," Rude commented, looking at the building before them impassively.
Rude was right—it didn't look like much. In fact, it seemed like a completely ordinary Wutaiian home, which made Reno wonder to himself if Tseng really knew what he was doing. The only thing that seemed slightly off was the fact that there were no less than six cats lounging around the house and watching the visitors with enigmatic expressions, including one lounging in the window.
"Oh, aren't they sweet?" Elena cooed in delight, crouching beside the feline nearest her—a elegant, long-haired white cat who sniffed Elena's extended hand with disdain.
"No, they're not," Tseng replied flatly. "Come on—you can gawk at the cats after we've gotten this whole mess taken care of." He walked briskly toward the front door.
"Yo, Tseng! Does that mean I'll have my body back soon?" Reno asked hopefully as he followed his leader up the porch stairs.
"That's what I'm hoping," Tseng replied. Without knocking, he opened the door and walked into the home. The other Turks followed him without comment through the open front door.
Immediately and with mutual consent, the Turks turned around and hastily retreated to the street, nearly tripping over each other in their haste to leave the building.
Tseng looked a shade paler; Elena's eyes were so wide they threatened to pop out of their sockets, and Rude grimaced slightly. Only Reno could find the ability to speak at first. "Why did we have to look at a naked old lady?" he asked, shuddering with disgust.
Tseng just blinked and shook his head, apparently at a loss for words.
"I mean, even though she wasn't facing us—thankfully—it was still so, so disgusting. I'm going to have nightmares about nursing homes full of naked geezers now. Thanks a lot, Tseng." Reno grimaced and rubbed his eyes.
"I used to like that room," Tseng said at last, flatly. "And that house. And my retinas. But they're all going to have to go."
"I don't ever want to get old," Elena said in a near-whimper, wrapping her arms around herself with a horrified expression. "I won't even be able to look at my own body…"
"What are you talking about, Laney?" Reno asked. "Your butt's already as saggy as the old woman's, so you shouldn't be surprised sixty years down the road…"
"Shut up, Reno!" Elena snapped.
"Are we going to stand out here all morning, or what?" Rude asked, bringing the others' attention back to the present.
"Thank you for saying something constructive, Rude," Tseng replied. "And no, we're not going to wait out here all morning. One of us will have to go in there and get the woman dressed so we can all come in and talk to her."
" Reno, you do it," Elena said immediately.
"What? No way!" Reno answered emphatically. "Just because I look like a woman doesn't mean I am one…"
"He's right," Tseng replied. "Elena, you're really the only logical choice for this. I would feel more comfortable if a woman—even one who happens to look like Reno at the moment—were the one to deal with the lady."
Elena grimaced. "No fair," she muttered. "If my eyes burn out because of being exposed to a naked old body for unduly long periods, I blame you."
"If your eyes haven't burned out after seeing your reflection every day, they're not going to," Reno shot back, smirking.
"Shut it, Reno!" Elena answered sharply as she made her way up the stairs. "Besides, if I do go blind, it'll really be you who loses your eyesight…"
Reno's eyes widened. "Be careful, then!" he demanded.
Elena rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the concern," she answered over her shoulder as she walked across the porch. "I'll try."
Gingerly Elena stepped through the still-open doorway, looking around for any sign of the unclothed elderly woman they'd all seen far too clearly earlier. "Uh, ma'am…?" she called as she slowly stepped further into the house. "Don't be afraid, I'm just here to talk to you. I promise not to hurt you, or to even take anything from you. Just want to talk…"
Seeing no one nearby, Elena walked further into the home, stopping just inside a dimly lit hallway. "Ma'am? Are you there?" she called.
Elena heard a rustling noise. "Don't worry," she said, stepping slowly toward the noise. "I just need to talk to you for a second." And dress you, she thought. But I'll explain that later. Elena squinted as she tried to make sense of the shadows in the hall, wondering where the elderly woman was hiding.
So intent was Elena on trying to spot her quarry that she didn't hear the soft padding of bare feet sneaking up behind her…in fact, she wasn't aware that anyone was behind her at all until she felt a solid crack against the back of her skull.
The old woman cackled in triumph as Elena slumped onto the floor, unconsciousness. "Serves you right, you deviant little monster! Preying on helpless old women…"
The elderly woman sniffled and looked at the shattered pieces of the heavy vase she'd attacked Elena with. "Pity, though," she said with a sigh. "I liked that vase." Shrugging, the woman stepped over Elena's prone form and hurried through the house, anxious to leave before Elena's comrades came looking for her.
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Reno jerked his hand back with a scowl. "That little demon just bit me!" he exclaimed. "Did you see that?"
Tseng sighed. "I told you, they don't like most people," he replied. "Especially not men. Now stop trying to make friends with them before we have to waste a potion on you."
"But I don't look like a man, right now, I look like Elena," Reno protested. "Oh, wait—ugly suit, butch haircut…no wonder you think I'm a man, kitty cat!"
"Speaking of Elena, she's been gone a long time," Rude commented. "Do you think we should go in after her?
"It has been almost thirty minutes," Tseng agreed. "It shouldn't have taken Elena this long to talk the woman into putting on some clothing."
Reno grinned. "I don't know about that," he replied. "Once it took her a good twenty minutes to decide whether she wanted fries with her burger. And then, when she finally got the fries, she didn't eat them."
"This isn't the same situation, Reno," Tseng said with disapproval.
"Fine, fine, I'm just saying…waiting another ten minutes might save us from having to look at elderly nudity for the second time today," Reno answered, shrugging.
"Although I understand your hesitation, I don't agree," Tseng replied firmly. "Come on—we won't get anything done by standing out here."
The three Turks re-entered the house, looking around for any sign of either the elderly woman or Elena. "Perhaps we should split up," Tseng suggested. " Reno, you and Rude can check the front rooms of the house, and I'll head toward the back—"
"No need," Rude interrupted. He was crouched just in front of the hallway with an impassive expression. "I found Elena," the bald Turk announced, gesturing with one hand.
Tseng and Reno walked over to join Rude, kneeling beside Elena. "Ooh, not good," Reno commented with a frown. "I hope we don't switch back until that lump on the back of her head is gone, though."
" Reno!" Tseng snapped with an annoyed glance at his coworker.
"Sorry, Tseng," Reno said, giving his boss a shrug. "I'm just saying."
"What should we do with her? We can't just let her lay there," Rude pointed out.
"Hey, look at this," Reno said, picking up a small scrap of paper laying on the floor next to Elena. He squinted at the tiny print.
Tseng turned his gaze from Elena to Reno. "Well? What does it say?" he asked.
Reno frowned. "It's small print, but…I think it says…" He held the paper closer to his eyes. "'Go to Nell'," he announced at last.
"'Go to Nell'?" Tseng repeated incredulously.
Rude took the paper from Reno and glanced down. " Reno, I think that's an 'H,' not an 'N,'" he informed Reno as he held the paper out to Tseng.
"An H? Then it says 'Go to…' Oh! That makes more sense." Reno grinned. "Sorry."
Tseng looked somewhat worried. "I don't know why she'd leave a note like that…" he commented. "It's not like her at all."
"Not like who?" Rude asked. "Who, exactly, is this person? It's obvious you know her."
"I do," Tseng replied, sighing. "She's my grandmother."
"Whoa!" Reno exclaimed. "Your grandmother's a nudist? How could you just let us walk in on her like that?"
"She's not a nudist," Tseng answered quickly. "At least…not ordinarily. I don't know what's gotten into her. She's never hurt anyone before, and she doesn't use profanity."
"You think your grandmother is responsible for Reno and Elena's…ah…situation?" Rude asked. "That seems a little farfetched."
"Ordinarily, it would," Tseng agreed, standing and dusting off his knees. "Has Elena shown any signs of waking?"
Rude glanced at Elena. "Her breathing's a little less deep. She'll probably come around within the next fifteen minutes or so."
"If she's not awake in five, wake her up yourself," Tseng replied.
"What's the big rush, Tseng?" Reno asked in surprise. "I mean—how much harm could one naked little old lady do, right?"
"Look at your reflection and then ask me that question again," Tseng answered dryly.
Reno frowned. "I see your point. What—is your grandma some kind of witch?"
"Not exactly," Tseng replied. "But she promised the family she'd stop doing her magic, especially because she's somewhat senile." Tseng looked down at the scrap of paper. "Given that her personality has taken an uncharacteristic and apparently hostile turn…"
"You don't know what she's capable of doing," Rude finished.
"So there's a crazy, magic-wielding, naked old lady who might be about to wreak havoc on Wutai," Reno said, standing up. "And then—the world!" he added theatrically.
"Something like that. I have to talk to her," Tseng said. "I'm sure that I can get her settled down…"
"What if you can't?" Reno asked. "What if she goes completely nuts and switches you and Rude's bodies, or something?"
"Then you'll have to get used to going into the women's bathroom," Tseng answered with a hint of amusement. "But I don't think it'll come to that. My grandmother's not naturally vicious…she's probably just scared, and confused."
"It still sounds as though we need to get out of here as quickly as we can," Rude spoke up. "I'll go get some water to wake Elena up."
"I'll go get a blindfold, so that I don't have to see your grandma naked again," Reno added. "This is going to be one weird day…"
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Chapter Eleven Preview: The Turks try to find Tsengie's nude runaway grandmother (it's harder than you'd think!) and attempt to discover why she's being so hostile. Does she have any intention of switching Reno and Elena back at all?
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