Author's note: Hey, this was supposed to be a silly little humor ficlet, and instead it morphed into what looks to be a multi-chapter monster. Oh, well. Pairings are yaoi LeonxCloud, maybe some light SephirothxCloudxLeonx...something...in some capacity in future chapters. Not too sure yet! So, hope you enjoy.

Suggested listening: My Chemical Romance. "Thank You for the Venom."

Suggested beverage: Mt. Dew Code Red

The sun was just beginning to rise over the mountains as Lonna, the woodcutter's wife, made her way to the pond. Living out in the forest provided her family with a living, but she sometimes missed the conveniences of living within the city of Radiant Garden. In that bustling town, the women could get their water from a well instead of the middle of the wilderness. Not that Lonna would complain, but…

Was that flash of silver in the water a fish?

No, no fish could be that large. Lonna grasped the branch of a nearby tree to keep her steady as she leaned even more over the edge of the pond, seeking that reflection in the water again. Instead, a huge splash surprised her. The only thing the kept her from plummeting into the cold water were the arms of the stranger who had emerged from the pond.

"Are you…" She was going to ask the unclothed man if he was okay, but one glance at his bare body, and Lonna could see he was fine. Just fine.

"Oh, my," she whispered, looking up at his solemn face dripping with pond water.

For the first time in years, Sephiroth opened his eyes.

"Come on, come on," Cloud muttered, fighting with an uncooperative wrench and a rusted spindle nut in the cramped space under his motorbike. His forearms were covered in grime and oil, proof of the losing battle he was waging on his weekend hobby: trying to get the piles of bolts moving again. The wrench slipped on the slick, immobile metal once more. "Piece of—"

"Cloud," Leon's voice drifted to his ears. Cloud squinted down his own torso to see the Gunblade wielder's boots on the cement floor of gummi hanger. "You need to come with me," Leon said, crouching down to look at Cloud under the bike.

"Damn it, Lee," Cloud sighed, using the nickname he was only allowed to mention in private. "This is the first day I've had off in weeks. I want one simple thing: to get this stupid drive chain tightened." He picked up the wrench again, attacking the machine with renewed vigor. "Whatever it is, get Cid to give you a hand."

"Sure." Leon stood, leaving only his feet visible again. "I'll just ask him to deal with the man in the market who looks and sounds amazingly like Sephiroth."

A sharp CLANG noise came from under the bike as Cloud tried to sit bolt upright, his forehead colliding with the underside. "Shit!" he cursed, rubbing his head as he shimmied gingerly out from under the machinery. "Sephiroth? He's back again?"

"Now that I've got your attention," Leon tossed a cloth to the blonde to wipe his dirty face and arms, "let's go."

The two hurried back to the house to grab their swords before heading to the market square. Cloud had the foresight to grab his shoulder armor from a peg in the hallway, strapping it on as he walked. Couldn't be too careful when it came to Sephiroth.

"What's the situation?" the blonde asked, his face a mask of seriousness.

"Not sure. Just got word from Yuffie that he's been sighted in town. The townspeople know to stay indoors." Leon quickened his pace, tugging his gloves on and taking his Gunblade from its holster.

"Has he confronted anyone? Made any threats? Burned anything down?" Cloud asked, Buster sword in hand as well.

Leon shook his head. "Not yet, or else the security system would have gone off. We're going to go in hard and fast, agreed?"

"Yeah." Cloud grabbed Leon's hand, encased in smooth black leather, and brought it to his lips for a brief kiss. "Be careful, love."

"You too," Leon murmured, drawing their joined hands to his own mouth for a kiss on Cloud's knuckles. "Ready?"

A deep voice sounded from around the corner. "Is someone there?"

"That's him," Cloud whispered. "Let's do it."

With surprising speed, the two swordsmen burst around the bend, weapons aimed at the lone figure in the street. The tall man gave a startled cry, stumbling back and falling to the ground, his arms raised to protect his face.

"Stop!" the man screamed. "I'm unarmed!"

Cloud and Leon paused, lowering their swords momentarily. This man sure looked like the great Sephiroth: long flowing silver hair pulled back into a ponytail, glowing green eyes, tall build. But he was acting like he was dressed: Like a simple peasant.

"What the hell…" Leon trailed off, taking in the man's strange appearance. Gone were the trademark black coat and long sword. This Sephiroth wore a simple brown jerkin that seemed a bit short in the sleeves and equally ill-fitting black trousers. His feet were bare and caked with mud. He certainly didn't look as threatening as he used to be.

"Okay, what's going on here?" Cloud finally barked, raising his sword under Sephiroth's chin.

"I wish I knew," Sephiroth spoke steadily, his hands in the air. "I was just trying to find an inn, but no one would give me directions. What kind of city is this, anyway? Is nobody allowed in the streets?"

"Cut the crap," Leon growled, his weapon trained on the man as well. "What are you trying to pull?"

"Get those things out of my face. I've done nothing wrong!" the man on the ground snarled.

Cloud laughed bitterly. "I'll believe that when I see it, Sephiroth."

Green eyes widened. "Wait, is that my name? You know my name?"

Leon and Cloud glanced at each other with raised eyebrows.

"You see, I woke up this morning in a pool of water in the forest. I have no memory of who I am or how I got there. A woman gave me these clothes and told me to head towards Hollow Bastion. She said there was a wizard here that might help me," Sephiroth said, looking between his two attackers with pleading eyes. "Merlin. She said to find Merlin."

"You don't remember who you are?" Leon asked skeptically.

"I swear I'm telling you the truth," he said, his long silver hair blowing in the wind. "Please, let me go."

"What should we do?" Leon asked Cloud softly. "He looks pretty…scared."

The blonde was frozen in hesitation, refusing to lower his weapon. Finally, he said, "Let's put him in the cooler until we can sort this mess out."

The cooler was the only detention center in Hollow Bastion. It was an underground compound of five or six jail cells that had been used by Ansem to hold helpless specimens for his experiments. The restoration committee had cleaned the place up and now it was used to hold arrested citizens awaiting sentences from the magistrate. It was rarely used; only the odd pickpocket or angry drunk was ever locked up in the cooler. And like most days, it was currently empty. Except for the recent addition of General Sephiroth.

Cloud latched the manacles around Sephiroth's slim wrists and checked the anchors on the wall. He slid the barred door shut and locked it. His blue eyes slid over the cell. Everything seemed to be in order.

"Is this really necessary?" Sephiroth asked from inside his cell, chains clinking around his hands as he gestured at the damp walls surrounding him. "I'm just trying to find Merlin. Unless that's a crime in your city, would you please let me go?"

"You'll stay here until we find some answers," Leon said from where he leaned against the dank stone wall. "Just relax."

Cloud nodded to his partner and they left the cooler via the spiral staircase leading to the surface. They spoke in hushed tones for fear the echoes might reach their captive's ears.

"So what do you think?" Leon asked in a low voice. "Is this just an act?"

Cloud shook his head. "I'm not sure what to think. The Sephiroth that I know would never allow himself to be held in a prison. He'd break the chains with his bare hands. But he went with us without a fight. If it is all just an act, I don't see what he stands to gain from it."

Leon shrugged, holding the door at the top of the stairs open for Cloud. "Maybe he's still trying to mess with your head. We're going to have to be careful."

Cloud nodded. "Let's get Merlin, see what he thinks."

They reached the wizard's house and quickly assembled the whole team. Leon explained the afternoon's events, wrapping up with what they did with the seemingly-confused Sephiroth.

"So Merlin should probably do a spell or something to see if he really has lost his memories," Leon concluded.

"Wow, can you imagine?" Yuffie gasped. "I know Sephiroth always seems to reappear after Cloud beats him, but this is getting ridiculous."

"I don't know," Aerith said doubtfully. "If I lost my memories, I'd be terrified."

"Bastard's probably just working a new angle," Cid grumbled, chewing on a toothpick noisily. The mechanic had been trying to quit smoking for weeks, and was using what Aerith called 'oral fixation distractions.'

"Yeah, I only trust that guy as far as I can throw him," Tifa agreed, pounding her gloved fist into her other hand.

"Children, children," Merlin cried above the din. "We can easily get to the root of the matter. Now where did I put my Liar's Paper?" The old man dug around in his Bag of Holding and came up with a handful of paper strips. "Aha! To the cooler! If this is revealed to be a trick, everyone should be on hand to, er, handle the situation."

"You mean the situation where the most powerful warrior in the universe blows us to smithereens?" Yuffie asked, jumping up from where she sat on the table and slinking towards the exit. "Uh, I think I have something in the oven."

"Come on, fearless ninja," Tifa said, grabbing the girl by the scruff of the neck. "If I have to go, so do you."

"Don't worry. Sephiroth prefers one-on-one battles. If he does plan to attack, he'll bide his time," Cloud muttered darkly, leading the way.

"Write your name down for me," Merlin told the fearsome warrior some minutes later, tapping the Liar's Paper placed in front of him. "The paper turns red if you write a lie, blue if it's true. Clever, eh? I invented it myself, when I wasn't busy being a squirrel."

Sephiroth blinked, his manacled hand closing around the offered pen by instinct. His eyes caught the shadowed figures of the entire restoration committee standing in the gloom behind Merlin. "Who are you people?"

"We're not to be trifled with, young man," Merlin spoke up again, stroking his long white beard. "Now write down your name."

"But I'm not exactly sure…that is, he seems to know it, but I can't remember for sure what I'm called," Sephiroth said, pointing to Cloud with the pen.

Merlin sighed heavily, his eyes rolling under his bushy brows. "Then write down the fact that you don't know it, obviously."

"Oh." Sephiroth dutifully wrote down I can't remember my name. Instantly, the paper turned a bright blue.

"Fantastic! Write more just to be sure," Merlin prompted, nudging the chained man with his curly shoe. "Anything that you know to be true."

I can't remember anything.

I'm very tall.

The sun is bright.

All the scraps of paper turned blue. Sephiroth put the pen down and shrugged.

"I can't think of anything else." He handed the stack of paper and the pen back to Merlin, who absentmindedly passed it back to Yuffie. "I don't have any memories of who I was."

Meanwhile, Yuffie scribbled something on the Liar's Paper, turning it blue. She giggled and passed it to Tifa, who read the message: Leon's totally thinking about Cloud's hot body right now. Tifa tried to hold back her laugh, snorting quietly. Aerith glared at them and put a finger against her lips to gesture for quiet.

"Very interesting," Merlin muttered, pushing his tiny glasses back up his nose. He reached out to hold Sephiroth's eyelids wide open as if to check the pupils. Then he examined the man's open mouth like one would a horse. "One last test to confirm my hypothesis. Hold out your hand, please."

Sephiroth did as asked and Merlin produced a small dagger from his cloak.

"Don't—" But Sephiroth couldn't flinch back fast enough for the spry elder. Merlin grabbed his chained wrist and made a shallow slash along his outstretched palm. "Ouch!"

"The small injury is bleeding steadily," Merlin said, holding the hand up for the small crowd behind him to see. "And it shows no sign of healing over immediately."

"What's that mean?" Tifa asked, frowning.

"It means Sephiroth's healing factor isn't working anymore," Cloud answered, crossing his arms across his chest. "With all the Mako in his system, a scratch like that normally wouldn't even get the chance to bleed before healing over."

"So why isn't it working?" Aerith mused, clasping her hands before her chest.

"Because this man you see before you," Merlin indicated Sephiroth with a sweeping gesture, "is exactly that. A normal human with no magical properties whatsoever."

"What?" Cid spit his toothpick halfway across the cell. "How the hell did that happen?"

"A human?" Sephiroth furrowed his brow, squeezing his cut hand closed. "What was I before?"

Merlin laughed, bending with some effort to unlock his chains. "That, my boy, is the million munny question. Looks like we have some catching up to do."

Leon leaned closer to Cloud to whisper in his ear, "I don't like this." Cloud merely nodded.

"He is not staying here," Cloud said, hitting the table in front of him with his fist. They were back at the renovated brownstone that served as their living quarters, and they were not happy with the situation.

"Then where are we supposed to put him?" Aerith huffed, gesturing violently with her hand. "We can't keep him in the cooler for days on end. It's a disgusting mess down there with leaks and rats and who knows what else."

Leon leaned back in his chair, propping his booted feet up on the wooden slab, hands folded behind his head. "Maybe keeping him close is the best idea. Just in case he gets his memories back and…"

"Explodes into an uncontrollable rage?" Yuffie squeaked. "No way, no thank you. I'd prefer the psycho-killer to sleep a little farther than five feet from my bedroom. How about it?" Yuffie raised her hand in the air, glancing around the room as if seeking more votes in her favor.

"No sir. I don't like it," Cid mumbled, chomping down on his toothpick so hard that it splintered between his teeth. "Don't like it one bit."

"Same here." Tifa crossed her powerful arms over her chest and fumed in her seat. "The guy is trouble."

"May I make a suggestion?" Sephiroth spoke up from the other end of the table. He was wrapping his bleeding hand in a clean white bandage that Aerith had given him, and had remained completely silent until this point.

"Sociopaths don't get a vote in this group," Cid grumbled. "You don't like it, you can waltz into some other town."

Sephiroth sighed heavily, raking his uninjured hand through his disheveled silver hair. "Okay. I get it. I was an enemy of yours in the past. But I don't remember what it was we fought over, and I can't imagine what I could have done to warrant such abuse."

Aerith spoke in a voice cold like new snow. "You killed me."

"Did I?" Sephiroth looked her up and down in an exaggerated, sarcastic manner. "You seem fine to me."

She shrugged, a feral grin on her lips. "I'm a fast healer," she said, offering no further explanation.

"Doesn't change the fact that you're an unarmed-girl-killing asshole," Cid growled, jabbing his finger across the table at Sephiroth.

"Not to mention a hometown-burning pyromaniac," Tifa added.

"And a mass murderer working for the Darkness," Yuffie joined in.

"As well as maestro of the mindfuck," Cid said, pointing to a glowering Cloud to illustrate.

Sephiroth turned to Leon, his aristocratic face drawn. "And what horrible thing did I do to you?"

Leon lifted his shoulders somewhat, his easy posture belied by the fact that his hand never left the hilt of his weapon. "We've never been properly introduced."

Sephiroth scoffed slightly, his green eyes narrowing. "You say I'm a killer, and since I have no recollection of my life up to this point, your word is all I have to go on. How can I be sure this ragtag group isn't working with this Darkness you speak of, trying to trick me?"

"Oh, so now you don't trust us? This is fucking brilliant," Cid grunted, pushing his chair back from the table in disgust. "I'm going to the hanger. You guys just make sure the lunatic has clean sheets."

"Cid," Tifa cautioned, but the pilot had already slammed the front door behind him.

"That's it!" Aerith stood suddenly. "This is getting us nowhere. Here's what's going to happen." She pointed a finger at Cloud, who still sat with his arms crossed over his chest, watching the proceedings with a detached eye. "Sephiroth will be staying in your room."

"Absolutely not," Cloud barked, finally sitting up straight in his chair. "I won't be—"

"Not finished," Aerith cut him off, putting her hand up to silence the blonde. "You can share Leon's room. It's not like half your stuff isn't in there already."

There was a tense silence as Cloud shut his mouth, his lips forming into a line of discontent. But he finally grunted and dropped his gaze to the table. Leon shot a look at Aerith, who ignored him completely.

Aerith continued, "And you, Sephiroth, will receive a history lesson from the little man who lives in our computer system. Maybe after Tron shows you the chronicles from the past few years, you'll understand why we're the ones who should be afraid to trust you."

Sephiroth, who had spoken calmly and coolly all evening, refused to meet the girl's blazing eyes. "Fine," he mumbled.

"Then it's settled. Agreed?" Aerith swept her hard gaze over others who sat motionless at the long meeting table. Sensing no opposition, she broke into a gentle smile, as if a storm cloud had passed over her features, driven away by a breeze. She turned and walked towards the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, "Who's hungry for a little dinner?"

And that was the rocky beginning to Sephiroth's stay in Radiant Garden.