My first Harry Potter fic; it was originally supposed to be a oneshot, but anyone who's read my other fics would know by now that I am incapable of doing that.

Summary: James has landed himself knee-deep in trouble and is now starting to learn the meaning of consequence. What's more? He's brought Lily into it all. Her temper reaches boiling point as he plunges deeper into trouble, and it only gets worse from there.

Disclaimer: I am not nearly as intelligent as JK Rowling, so let's just decide here and now that this disclaimer is an obvious waste of time. I do not own Harry Potter, my brain is not that wild. I would never be able to conjure an entire world as our favorite author has.

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Crude Irony

Chapt 1- Trouble With The Heads

James dashed swiftly down the darkened corridor, sending streaks of the scarlet candlelight along with the rush of wind. His cloak was billowing smoothly behind him, rippling against the air. He was panting heavily — a sign that was sure to give him away — but a smirk was set visibly on his lips as he carried himself hastily down the hall, deeply resisting the urge to burst out laughing.

It was a rather awkward situation. Half of him was panicked beyond belief at the trouble he had just so narrowly avoided plunging himself into, and he was still far from the Gryffindor common room; and the less sensible, trouble-seeking half was easily overpowering the first, reciting the events that had led him into this predicament and already planning his various escape routes.

Despite what people were saying about his maturing, James, even at the age of seventeen, was still as reckless and ambitious as ever. Of course he held these things hidden whenever Evans, her friends, and professors were around lately, but there were nights such as this where he felt he could not resist the urge to do something . . . well, stupid.

He turned left, barely managing not to stumble over his tangling robes as they wrapped themselves around his ankles, and regained balance. Just a little farther and he would be in visible sight of the one-eyed witch statue. The word 'Dissendium' had already entered his mind and he reached into his robe for his wand when a shabby looking tabby cat appeared around the corner. She let out a groaning hiss and then croaked a load "meow".

James swore under his breath and made an abrupt halt, scrambling around and chaotically sprinting back down the corridor once more. Where was Sirius now, he wondered. Where was his cloak? He reached a shaky hand into his right pocket and pulled out a piece of slightly torn parchment,

"I solemnly swear that I— Aaaargh!"

A startled scream reached his ears in echo with his own and he stumbled backward, the blank sheet and his wand flying out of both hands. He lifted himself up into a sitting position and stared, white-faced, his mind racing rapidly. He could almost feel his heart beating in his throat.

For the first time in living memory, James could not have been more relieved to know that Lily Evans was the person he had so rudely ran into.

"Potter!" she hissed, but he put a hand to her mouth and got to his feet. Wildly glancing around, he pulled on her robes and rushed her toward the nearest classroom.

"Alohomora!"

The lock clicked open and he pushed the door forward hastily and carelessly dragging her inside. Furious, Lily ripped herself out of his grasp with an angry gasp as he murmured, "Colloportus," and sealed the lock once more.

Peeves could be heard cackling beyond it as he flew past, shouting gleefully, "Potty Wotty's on the run, but little Peevsie's wondered where he's gone . . ."

Allowing himself a feebly triumphant smile at such a close call, he put his hand to his hair as to ruffle it and turned to face the room when—

SMACK!

He recoiled immediately, placing his hand to his cheek as Lily advanced dangerously, pulling her wand out of her pocket and aiming it at him. James's expression of shock slid off his face immediately and he forced another smile, unwillingly bringing his hand casually into his pocket.

"Now, Evans, you know as well as I that nothing you throw at me will—"

"Step aside!" barked Lily, jerking her wand as to signal his movement, but he remained still. "Move, Potter! I have no intentions of receiving another detention for your stupid and irresponsible actions. Get out of my way!"

"And of course you won't receive detention by hexing another student," James noted sarcastically. "Besides," he added hastily as she clenched her teeth angrily, "It's too late now, Evans. It's fifteen past nine. Leave now and you'll be sure to receive a—"

"Not if I can get around—"

"Filch, dung for brains, and Peevsie?" James supplied with a smirk, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched Lily's expression harden. She shot him a reproachful look and then stowed her wand back into her robes.

James watched her slump angrily into a desk farthest from him, her shoulder length red hair falling forward to hide her face. His smile widened with amusement and he found it very hard to tear his gaze away from the girl.

Lily Evans, the only person in the entire school who had ever refused to date him forty-three times consecutively (and counting), was here, nearly half past nine, in a classroom alone with him. How ironic.

He stepped forward, but she turned her head abruptly at the noise and narrowed her brilliantly green eyes scathingly.

"I'm Head Girl, Potter!" she reminded him angrily, rising from her seat and striding toward him again. "Head Girl!" she snapped, now jabbing her index finger very roughly into his chest. "I can't be caught hiding in an empty classroom after hours, and certainly not with you!"

James gave her a hearty laugh before catching her hand in his and holding it away from his torso.

"I shall pretend no longer, Evans. You are a right pain . . . literally," he added with a serious note as he rubbed his continually throbbing cheek. Lily, however, was growing irritable with his childish behavior.

"It's all games to you, isn't it?" she snapped, pulling her hand from his violently. "Do you ever take five seconds to think about anyone other than—?"

"Myself?" James supplied once more, cutting her off before she could finish. He found it almost ironic how those words were meant for someone who spent most of his years at Hogwarts becoming an illegal Animagus to help his best friend deal with his monthly . . . furry little problem . . . .

He placed his left hand to his chin as if attempting to "spot a brainwave" (as Lily so often put it, though she usually referred to his lack of doing so) and gave her a weak grin.

"Well, Evans, you've pointed out — very clearly might I add —" (he frowned and placed a hand to his now aching chest) "that you are Head Girl. And, of course, far be it from me to know anything about your duties and privileges, seeing as I am not a Head myself," (Lily's bitter look hardened beyond a point of recognition at the dry sarcasm) "but I thought that we were allowed to walk the corridors at night?"

Lily's eyes narrowed dangerously and she shot James a stern look — one he returned with a satisfied grin — before contemplating his words carefully. After realizing that what he said was true, she eased up a little and walked around him toward the door. As she made to retrieve her wand and unlock it, he hastily grabbed her wrist and gave her a light tug. Cantankerously, she whirled around and hissed, "What?"

He raised a finger as if to scold her and said serenely, "But Evans, as a Head, I assumed you knew of the current rule."

He couldn't suppress an amused laugh at the way she contorted her face in rage. Not bothering to pull out of his grasp, she said through gritted teeth, "What rule?"

James cleared his throat and recited, "Due to the increasing amount of deaths our Ministry has reported following the recent rise of Lord Voldemort (declared the Darkest Wizard in living memory henceforth), we must press harder than ever the significance of your safety. All are to heed caution. Students are to return to their common rooms before nine o'clock in the evening, are forbidden to leave Hogwarts grounds without responsible adult company, and are to confide all strange behaviors to teachers at once. These laws abide for Prefects and Head Boys and Girls as well. Furthermore . . . . and that's pretty much when Sirius and I stopped listening."

A broad grin spread across his face at Lily's bewildered expression. She opened her mouth to speak, stuttered, closed it, opened it again, waited, and blurted, "What?"

James chuckled and released her.

"It means that Heads must abide by the 'regular student' laws," he elaborated.

Lily seemed to struggle with what to say next. Her incredulous look seemed to suggest that she had trouble believing that he, James, actually paid enough attention to recite word for word. It was a trait many wizards and witches had, if they had enough brain power, that is to say.

Deciding to save her from the stutters that were sure to come, he reached into his pocket, took out a folded piece of parchment, and cleared his throat:

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

"Excuse me?"

Lily seemed to have found her voice. She fixed her eyes on the jet black hair of her sworn rival and then realized that his gaze was on something else. The blank piece of parchment in his hands began to spill black ink onto its surface, and before long, a map of Hogwarts had imprinted itself on the paper.

"A map?" she asked, walking closer to get a better look. She let out a gasp and turned her eyes upon James again. This time, he was looking at her, a slanted smile planted on his lips.

"Forgive me, Evans. I realize that as Head Girl, it is your job to confiscate things such as this, so here you are."

He handed her the parchment and she eyed it warily.

"What's this rubbish?" she asked, skeptical at his all-too-confident tone.

A loud laugh escaped James and he repeated, "'What's this rubbish?' This, Evans, is the secret to my — excuse me, our — success: The Marauder's Map. It'll tell you anything you need to know about Hogwarts."

"Anything?" Lily repeated quietly, leaning over it again. She took it from his hand and examined it. "Where'd you get it?"

Once again, James chuckled. His hand found his hair and he ruffled it on reflex.

"That's beside the point, my dear Head Girl." (Lily's scowl deepened at the constant reference. Apparently, he now felt the need to remind her of her privileged status as often as possible for the way she had scolded him about it earlier) "The question is, do you confiscate this 'rubbish'? Or do you hand it back to me so that I can find us a way out of here, and then solemnly swear that you will not breathe a word of this to anyone other than the four Marauders themselves?"

Lily's brow kicked up and she shot him a skeptical glance again. Her eyes dropped back to the parchment and she recited, "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs." (A curious expression set upon her features, as if she was trying hard to recall a fleeting memory) "Who're they?"

"The Marauders," James replied smartly. "Very nice people, and intelligent too — not to gloat. Well, all but Wormtail. He's a bit of a git," he added, his lopsided grin turning into a thoughtful frown. "So, what say you, Evans? Are you willing to join Mr. Prongs and do a little midnight prowling, or are you going to play it safe and camp out here until morning?"

Lily's green eyes narrowed as she watched his hazel ones stare at her with interest. Of course, when he put it that way, she really had no choice at all.

"All right, I suppose I can throw aside Head duties for tonight and accompany this Prongs. Let me know when he arrives," she added bitterly, dropping down to the floor and crossing her legs. Perhaps the fewer questions she asked, the more answers she'd receive. Nothing ever worked normally with Potter.

Without saying another word, James took the map, examined it carefully, and then handed it back to her with the news that Filch was rummaging on the fifth floor at the other end of the school, Mrs. Norris (or as he referred to her, dung for brains) was on the first floor, and Peeves was floating around the boys' bathroom on the fourth floor.

"So if we leave now," he continued in mock thoughtfulness, "we should be able to reach the seventh floor and make it back to Gryffindor Tower without being spotted. The corridors are deserted at the moment."

"And you honestly trust this map of yours?" she asked, looking up at him with that seething glare, trying to burn it into his mind that everything bad that happened to her at Hogwarts (whether true or not) was his fault.

"Of course I do—"

"Well I don't," said Lily, unsatisfied by his interrupted answer. "Less than I trust you. How do you know it's not faulty? The 'Marauder's Map', honestly! You trust these Marauders?"

"Of course," James replied immediately and lightheartedly, "Seeing as I am one—"

Lily's gaze shot upward at him and she saw that he was looking down at her, his grin wider than ever. He reached out his hand and offered, "May I give you a lift, Miss Head Girl Evans?"

"Oh shut up!" Lily snapped, scrambling to her feet. "You and your kind gestures! You're about as innocent as my sister is an elf. What do you mean, you're a Marauder?"

"Well, which word of it did you not comprehend?" James asked sincerely. "Was it 'I', 'am', or 'one'?"

Lily's scarlet cheeks were darkening to a point of correspondence with her hair. She tightened her lips to avoid blurting out something foul, though it seemed too much to repress. Instead, she raised her hand and brought it swiftly again at James's face.

"Oi!"

His hand darted to his other cheek and he stepped back. Feeling calmed at his reaction, she loosened her tense shoulders and inhaled deeply.

"That felt good. . ."

"Speak for yourself," said James, rubbing his face to numb the pain.

"Right," said Lily serenely, snatching the map from his remaining hand and holding it up to eye level. "Well, I still don't trust your word, but if it's a choice between listening to this stupid map and spending the night with you, I'm definitely dumping the latter."

James's face fell and he opened his mouth to whine mockingly, but she turned to face him and he flinched and jumped back on impulse. This time, Lily was the one to smirk.

"You're learning," she said in a tone too sweet to be taken lightly. "Wonderful."

She pocketed the map and turned toward the door. James darted after her and grabbed her wrist once more. She turned around irritably, but he let go and ran before the door. She looked back at him and scowled.

"What now?"

"First, I must remind you that you are not to breathe a word to anyone about the map," said James. "And secondly . . ."

He held out his hand, keeping his eyes fixed on hers. Her lips tightened again and she reached into her pocket. Pulling the parchment out, she dropped it into his hand and made her way around him.

"Right, Filch is coming our way. We have to hur — Evans!"

Lily had already unlocked the door and stepped past the threshold. Without glancing back, she turned left and began heading toward the nearest staircase. James chased after her.

"No, you're going the wrong way. There's a faster way round here," he said, wrapping his hand around her slightly smaller one once more and dragging her down the other way.

"Potter, get off of me!" snarled Lily, trying to pull out of his grasp, but to no avail. "I'll go whichever way I want. You're not going to land me in detention!"

With a violent jerk, she managed to pull away from him. He made to grab her again, but stopped halfway, allowing his arm to slowly lower as his eyes caught sight of a disheveled tabby cat just behind her.

"No," he breathed, as if the word would have influence on it. The cat hissed and meowed, trotting along the corridor for her master. "Damn!"

He ran past Lily, who whirled around with a cry of "Where are you going? POTTER!"

But James did not stop. He pulled out his wand and dashed after Mrs. Norris. Catching sight of what he was doing, Lily raced after him.

"Are you insane! That's Flich's cat! He'll have your head for sure!"

She leapt forward and managed to wrap her arms around him from behind. He tried to run, but she turned around and pushed him out of the way, now standing between him and Mrs. Norris.

"She'll rat us out!" cried James, hastily trying to find a way around Lily, but she pushed him back forcefully. He stumbled over the hem of his robes and collided with the wall, immediately regaining his posture. "Let me freeze her!"

"And what'll happen when Filch finds out?" Lily hissed.

"He won't know it was—"

"Who's there, my sweet?" Filch's voice echoed through the nearly deserted corridors, silencing their bickers at once. Lily and James froze, listening attentively. Both seemed to pale at the sound of approaching footsteps.

Without hesitation, James rushed forward, grabbed Lily's sleeve, and ran the remainder of the hall until they reached a staircase.

"You idiot!" Lily snarled, slapping his hand away. Just then, something hard collided with her feet and she stumbled forward with a surprised cry, making contact with James's shoulder and pushing him forward as well. They jolted down the stairs, each gasping as they made contact with the stone steps; James was only a few steps ahead of Lily, and their black school robes were tangling around them.

After at least ten seconds of falling, James finally collided on his stomach with a silent cry as the wind was knocked out of him. Lily Evans had just landed on his back, pushing him further down so that the side of his face now became one with the floor.

She groaned and pulled the tangled strands of red hair from her face before realizing who she had landed on. A pair of filthy shoes stopped before James's eyes as he lifted his head painfully. Argus Filch was wearing a lopsided grin. His expression evidently noted the maniacal glee in each one of his aged creases. Mrs. Norris trotted around James and curled around Filch's ankles.

"Well, well, Potter," the caretaker sneered smugly. "We are in trouble, aren't we?"

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Ahhh, sweet, sweet irony. James Potter landing himself right before Filch and dragging Lily in with him. You can imagine she won't be too pleased by that. I love JamesxLily fics. They're so much fun!

Please review, it helps a lot!