Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and all the characters, trademarks etc. belong to Rumiko Takahashi and to their other rightful owners. To sum it up: I don't own Ranma

"Spoken"

-Thought-

Birthday Panic

How it all began?

Saotome Ranma was brooding. It wasn't the 'My life sucks' kind of brooding, nor was it the 'I'm bored and want something to do' kind. Rather it was of the 'I've been through hell for nothing and I really, really want to hit something to relieve my stress' variety of brooding. He was, in fact, hoping that Ryoga would make his trademark 'Ranma! Prepare to DIE!' entrance giving him an excuse to beat the pigboy up... beat him up as in 'kick the living shit out of him and leave him hospitalized for a month.'

The frustration had started building about a week before he had his birthday…

-----

Ranma, feeling slightly hungry from his workout, tried to sneak into the kitchen to snatch a nice pre-dinner snack. The attempt was doomed to fail as his mother and Kasumi were both busying themselves in the making of the said dinner, but still he managed to cajole a little something from the eldest Tendo sister who knew Ranma's eating habits all too well. The event itself would have been rather unremarkable had Kasumi not inquired. "So Ranma-kun… your birthday is next Thursday and I was wondering if you had any preference as to what kind of a cake you would like."

This made Ranma's mother nod enthusiastically only to have that enthusiasm die a swift death when Ranma stiffened and his eyes turned flat. The pigtailed boy then stood still for a moment before saying "I don't want a birthday." and stuffing the remnants of his snack violently into his mouth. He was almost out of the door before he added a final "Last time I got a present it involved a pit and starving c-c-cats…" and stomped out of the door.

Nodoka noted that at the mention of cats Kasumi's features stiffened so she asked. "Does my son have a problem with cats Kasumi-chan?" The question went unanswered as Kasumi, while gathering her thoughts, resumed chopping vegetables in a rather violent manner that would have better suited the youngest of the Tendo daughters rather than the eldest. The Saotome matriarch certainly took note of this as she knew the Tendos well enough by now to know that Kasumi was not one to get upset over anything small and so she asked, in almost a frightened tone. "What has my husband done now?"

Finally the young woman calmed herself sufficiently to answer. "Oba-sama… it's… I knew about the Neko-ken training but I never realized that he would be so cruel as to give it as a present." Nodoka blinked at this but didn't have dwell on it when Kasumi gave her a tight smile before continuing. "The Neko-ken is an unstoppable martial arts technique…" She stopped when the older woman smiled happily. "A banned one… banned because it is flawed. If, and only if, you survive the training you will be forever mentally scarred by it. Ranma is a severe case of Nekophobia, and before you even dare to frown at that you have to understand the method itself."

Now Nodoka was certainly taken back, she hadn't even had the time to think about frowning before Kasumi had snapped at her… whatever this Neko-ken was it certainly had angered the usually gentle girl. She raised an eyebrow when Kasumi reached into the pantry and pulled out a large bag that had a plainly stencilled 'Bamboo' on it. The young woman smiled tightly and said "Uncle Saotome's dinner…" before explaining the Neko-ken. "You see Auntie… to train someone in the Neko-ken you need a pit of starving cats and then you toss the trainee, wrapped in fish, into the pit and repeat the process until he either dies or masters the Neko-ken."

There was a sad look in her eyes. "Ranma, he was eight or seven at the time, didn't quite die but… he is now so afraid of cats that even a small kitten can put him into a catatonic state, and if the source of the fear is not removed then his mind shatters, forcing him to turn into that which has frightened him. A clear case of 'He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.' with the monster being the cat here. In other words Ranma slips into the Neko-ken when his fear of cats overwhelms him and as such he behaves as a cat would."

Nodoka was now visibly trembling, this was much worse than she had ever thought possible. Was the man responsible for such atrocity the same man she had married all those years ago? With a murderous look she tried to grasp the hilt of the Saotome honour blade that was usually on her back, only to find it missing as she had left it in Kasumi's room during her visit. With a cold voice she declared. "Excuse me Kasumi-chan but I believe I'm going to kill my husband now and see if there is anything I can do to help my son."

Kasumi just smiled while waving her hand slightly. "I wouldn't do that Oba-sama. I believe that killing Genma would only make the situation worse and as for Ranma… well I think he is relieving his stress as we speak." Nodoka looked curious and then smiled when Kasumi indicated that she should pay more attention to the sound coming from the Tendo backyard. Had she not known better she might have called the police and reported abuse of an endangered animal, namely a giant panda that was being pummelled and twisted into odd angles by a pigtailed boy.

With a slight smile she turned back to Kasumi, who was trying to look completely innocent while listening to the sounds of brutal physical beating, and said. "Even as it is Kasumi-chan I still think Ranma needs to see a real birthday celebration. And didn't you say that Akane-chan's birthday is coming up as well… maybe we could…" The rest of the conversation faded into the sounds of another dinner being prepared as the two women began to weave their plan.

-----

As it came to be then, was that Ranma was walking to school with Akane who was casting sidelong glances at her fiancé every now and then. Finally after a few minutes of walking she quietly said. "Well… err… Kasumi said you don't much care for birthdays but happy birthday anyway." Ranma only replied with a noncommittal grunt which caused her temper to flare. "Now look here you… it wouldn't hurt to acknowledge it when someone wishes you happy…"

Her voice faded away under the withering glare that Ranma shot her way. "So Kasumi told you huh? Then you should know that I don't like my birthday… Nothing like being reminded the day you were tossed into a pit full of cats so just drop it you stupid tomboy." Akane just blinked then blinked again, her anger washed away by the revelation. Finally after composing herself she didn't even rise to the tomboy jibe but rather hung her head and almost whispered a small "Sorry… I didn't know." which caused Ranma only grumble something under his breath and relax slightly.

Naturally though, Akane wasn't the only one who wanted to wish the pigtailed martial artist happy birthday and give, or in some cases force, him/her presents. Rather she was, along with her sisters and Ranma's mother, one of the few who simply let the matter be. The other fiancées, and Kodachi, made their appearance once or more during the day trying to curry Ranma's favour with gifts, food, roses and other assortment of knick-knacks. By the end of the day he was tired and frustrated from dodging his persistent admirers, being groped by Kuno whilst he was offering his birthday present to the 'Pig-tailed Goddess', two near escapes from paralysing gas and one from ramen laced with some weird Amazon concoction. Needless to say the panda got a rather severe beating that night and was unable to partake on dinner.

-----

Few days later Ranma was again reminded why he hated his birthday so much, although he still couldn't discern whether it was because his sucked, or because other people's didn't. This was when he was exercising in the back yard, only to be interrupted Kasumi who came to hang the laundry and quickly enlisted the said boy to helping.

While they were hanging the laundry to dry Kasumi commented. "You know Ranma-kun, Akane-chan's birthday is in two weeks." Seeing the sullen look on the boy's face she continued. "Now, Ranma-kun I know you've had some… bad experiences with birthdays but still I'm sure Akane would be delighted if she got even something small from you." She then flashed a benign smile at Ranma. "Just remember that it doesn't need to be anything fancy… and if you are completely out of ideas maybe you could visit this one shop I noticed when I was last out in the mall." With that she handed a slip of paper to Ranma, picked the empty laundry basket and left the yard… and the bewildered boy behind her.

Ranma, who was still trying to process what had happened and exactly why should he get her a present, was then rudely interrupted by the fathers who had hear the entire thing. They quickly cornered the boy with Soun's demon head technique allowing Genma, who had somehow managed to fast talk himself out of becoming a Panda-rug after his wife had learned about the Neko-ken, grab Ranma into the Cradle of Hell. After the young martial artists managed to escape from the terrible technique he was assaulted by Soun who grabbed him and yelled. "RANMA!"

There was a moment of silence while Ranma contemplated as to actually why the older man was yelling until the master of the 'Anything Goes' Tendo-ryu continued, eerily in unison with his counterpart from the Saotome-ryu. "We heard it all son… now don't worry we know all too well the problems one faces when trying to buy a gift for a woman. Fear not, for we will aid you… Rest well tonight and by tomorrow we'll have everything up to perfection." With that the two fathers quickly left, though they were seen quietly talking to the phone on an occasion.

Ranma, naturally after the proclamation of his father and his moronic counterpart, didn't sleep all too well. He wasn't ambushed by anything idiotic the next day though, rather the fathers waited until he came back from school and then in a stunning display of discretion summoned him to the dojo. Mr. Tendo was beaming and Genma was looking rather sullen as they grabbed Ranma and whispered in a conspiratorial tone "Now then Ranma… we solved all your problems so here." With that the two men pushed an envelope into his hands and quickly left to play yet another game of Shogi. The boy, left to his own devices, opened the envelope and almost fainted at the amount of yen stuffed into it… although it did explain why his father had been looking so forlorn.

-----

And so here he was, brooding on top of a utility pole, the shop the fathers had suggested had been, no surprise there, a jewellery shop. What had surprised the youth was the fact that he recognized the owner, as he had some months earlier scattered a band of thugs trying to mug her grandson. The owner had been more than happy to see him and had again renewed her promise of giving him a good discount on whatever pieces he needed. Luckily she was also an understanding person and didn't try to push the issue of a pair of engagement rings that had been phone ordered by one Tendo Soun, but had rather suggested, after hearing the whole story, that he try and window shop for some suitable gift for his fiancée.

Ranma, being himself and as such averse to anything remotely related to shopping, had thanked the old lady for the idea, promised to see her if he needed any jewellery and then decided to just try and think something up. And he had tried, for a full week he had tried, to a point where his brain actually hurt from overexertion. If Akane were a normal girl it would be easy, girls liked girly stuff right… problem was that Akane might see that as an affront to her being a martial artist. And he couldn't quite get her a new training outfit or something like that as that would be probably seen as an affront to her being feminine, not that the uncute, sexless, and unfeminine tomboy remarks helped. And all that aside, he couldn't get anything that might be, even remotely, seen as a 'romantic' gift as that would hail another instant wedding from the idiot fathers.

And so he had, finally as the deadline began to draw near, taken in the old lady's advice and gone window shopping, an three hour ordeal he vowed to himself never to willingly repeat. Oh how he hoped the pig-boy would make an appearance, he would break his arms and legs and then ditch him to the hospital from which he wouldn't find his way out in a week even if he was in full health. Maybe he could kick the bacon breath a few times in the groin too, it wasn't like he didn't deserve it… the bastard.

His imaginary, and very brutal, handling of a certain rival was interrupted by a loud squeal of "KAWAII!" from the street below. Ranma blinked, having recognized the sound of Akane's voice… and sure enough there she was, with her friends and busy sticking her face against a shop window. Ranma, feeling intrigued, waited for the girls to pass and hopped down to inspect the display. There was almost audible snap as pieces fell into place and in a flash the boy took to the roofs to speed towards the Ono bone-setting clinic for a quick meeting with the good doctor.

After a brief meeting with Dr. Tofu, a discussion about allergies and a splash in a conveniently placed fountain Ranma-chan, wearing 'her' cutest cutesy smile, entered the pet store he'd seen Akane standing next to… and within seconds he had the sales clerk wrapped around his finger. Ranma then moved towards the litter of puppies he'd noted earlier and said with a buttered voice. "Those puppies look so kawaii... What kind are they?"

The salesperson, who went a little weak in the knees when Ranma batted 'her' eyelashes, launched into a sales speech. "Those, young miss, are Brittanys. A French breed that's very rare here in Japan. They are friendly, energetic and very playful… a fine choice for a pet and very good for hunting."

At this Ranma interrupted in a rather sarcastic tone. "Oh yeah right… hunting. I'll just whip out my shotgun from the broom closet where it's stored next to the machine gun and bazooka I have for home defence purposes… what with the gun laws here being as lax as they are."

The salesperson, his name tag read Kensuke, managed to look rather sheepish at that. "Actually, I think someone had the bright idea of trying to sell these to the upper class so they could hunt with bow and arrow and relive the Samurai experience or some such." He then picked one of the puppies and handed it to Ranma for closer inspection. "The idea didn't take wind but still these little guys are coming rather popular. As I said they make excellent pets as they are friendly and generally like people, not to mention that they are small enough that you can keep one even if you live in the city."

Ranma peered at the little bundle of brown and white fur that was curious about his breath and trying to discern exactly where the warm gusts of air came from. He smiled at the pup that had given up its quest and had instead snuggled deep into his impressive bosom, and nearly causing Kensuke to suffer an embarrassing nosebleed. Noting the perverted look on his face the redhead batted her eyelashes few more times before saying. "I'll take him… but could you pleaaaaaaase hold him for a week as he's going to be a present for a friend of mine."

Kensuke was powerless against the cutesy look and quickly agreed to hold the pup until next Sunday and even showed a variety of accessories necessary to raise a pup. He even suggested few books for training, commented that Brittanys were considered easy to train and even went as far as giving Ranma an address of a vet who had been recommended by his customers. Still even that, coupled with a hefty discount, didn't get him a date with the hot redhead but probably insured that 'she' would be coming over for all her pet needs… and maybe her friend would be just as hot as she was.

The pigtailed boy, he had stopped by a café to get some hot water, was feeling content. The dog hadn't been cheap, even with the discount, but then the fathers had been generous with the money and they hadn't specifically told him to buy the rings so they couldn't bitch about that too much. He was almost out of the shopping district when he spied a store that sold Chinese style clothing and recognized the address as the one Kasumi had given him. His curiosity peaked and Ranma entered the store… he could use a few new threads anyway.

A/N:

I didn't do any research to the specifics of the Japanese gun laws but I do remember reading somewhere that they are pretty strict.

I used Nekophobia instead of Ailurophobia since more people will probably recognize that as the fear of cats J

'He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.' is a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche's 'Beyond Good and Evil'

Brittany is an actual dog breed, I should know since I have one curled right next to me while writing these words. Kensuke the salesperson wasn't kidding when he said they are friendly, energetic and all that. So if you are out looking for a dog that's good as a pet and for company check out Brittanys! (Yes I know it's a shameless promotion but hey what gives?)