DISCLAIMER: "Don't speak. Your eyes speak for you." "I wish they would shut up!"

Episode IV – Mutant Crush (Part II)

We open a day (or two, who knows) later, where Alex is hiding behind the bushes on the front of the school.

Dani and Jubes walk out. "Like, there goes my weekend!" Dani complains. "I can't believe how much homework I've got."

"Yeah, me too," Jubes says. "I thought senior year's supposed to be a breeze!"

Alex jumps out from behind the bushes, scaring Dani more than a little. Jubes, however, is apparently used to blond boys in beach regalia bounding out from behind bushes, since all she says is, "Oh, hi Alex," in the same tone one says, "Oh, Harry Potter's angsting again," or, "Oh, Frodo dropped his sword again," or, "Oh, Anakin lost another limb again."

"Jubes," Alex says, "Would you-? I mean, would you like to-? Wanna get a soda or something?"

"Oh, sorry Fred, I can't," Jubes says the way people say, "Sorry, Harry, I don't have time to listen to you yell about not wanting to be human right now." "I've got some stuff I gotta do." She and Dani start walking off. "Hey, how about I catch up with you tomorrow?"

Alex glares at her back. "'Stuff,' huh?" he repeats (quotey-fingers and all). "That's the best you could come up with? Stuff?"

Jubes and Dani stop walking. "Uh, Dani, you better go on without me. I'll catch up with you later."

"You gonna be okay?" Dani asks.

"Yeah," Jubes says. She turns to Alex (who is advancing on her the way Sam advanced up the stairs of Barad-dûr to fight the Orcs). "Look, Alex. I like you and all. But I have responsibilities, and that means I can't go with you right now."

"But you're my friend," Alex says, grabbing her wrist.

"I thought so," Jubes says, trying to pull away. "But friends don't hurt each other. Unless they're, like, sadists or something." She snaps her gum. "Now let go of me!"

"Well, just let me talk to you for a second," Alex says, dragging her off, "In private."

"I said, let go of me!" Jubes finally manages to pry his hand off her wrist…right under a construction site with a lot of bricks. Nice location for a private talkie, Alex. "I have to go home."

"You can't," Alex insists. "You gotta go out with me!"

"I don't have to go anywhere but home," Jubes counters, and turns to walk off…until Alex grabs her by the arms.

"'Kay, am I the only one who thinks Alex's gone more than a little psycho?" Tabby asks.

Kurt munches on popcorn. "That, or he's developed an unhealthy obsession with Jubes."

"Probably has a shrine of her or something in his room where he sacrifices bits of sand and dried kelp from the beach to her image," Bobby adds, taking some popcorn.

"Let me go!" Jubes yells. "I'm warning you!"

"Or what, you'll kick me in the shin?" Alex asks.

Jubes does. "Ow!" Alex lets of Jubes's left arm to rub the offended spot. "Now what, are you gonna dig your nails into my hand?" Jubes does. "Ow!" Alex yells, but doesn't let go of her hand. "What, you gonna spit your gum out into my eye now?"

Jubes does, in fact, spit her gum out into Alex's eye. "OW!"

"Dude, you gotta stop giving her ideas," Pietro says, eating more popcorn.

"I just hope she doesn't kick me in the – OW!" Alex doubles over, knees knocked together. "I didn't say anything!"

"It doesn't take a genius to know where a guy's weak spot is," Jubes says. "I mean, did you see Battle Royale? She just stabbed the guy in the-" (1)

"WE DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!!!" Alex, Kurt, Bobby, and Pietro yell in unison.

Tabby rolls her eyes at them. "Sissies."

Anyway, Jubes goes wild with her TK, sending a dumpster flying at Alex. He successfully knocks it back – right into the bottom of the construction site.

"Nice aim," Tabby comments.

"Shut up!" is all Alex can say before the whole thing comes crashing down on him and Jubes.

When the dust finally clears (and subsequently blows over to Kurt, Bobby, and Pietro, choking them), Alex straightens up to discover that Jubes has a bruise on her forehead and is (for the most part) unconscious. After glancing around to make sure no one saw that, he scuttles off.

"…How could no one have seen that?" Tabby asks while Kurt, Bobby, and Pietro cough and hack next to her (the dust doesn't affect her, having Absolute Power and all). "I mean, it caused a helluva lotta noise and all."

Jubes comes to (however long) later and sees a place setting (and a whole lotta candles) on a table in front of her. "Wakey, wakey, Sleeping Beauty," Alex says happily. "Your table's ready!"

"Wait!" Jubes says, glancing warily at the candles. "Is John anywhere near here?"

"Lemme find out," Tabby says, then cups her hands around her mouth. "JOHN!"

Nothing happens, except Kurt, Bobby, and Pietro stumble around with their hands (belatedly) clasped to their ears, having potentially suffered hearing damage.

"Nope, must be on his plane of nonexistence," Tabby says cheerfully.

"Okay," Jubes says, then proceeds to struggle out of the rope tying her to her chair.

"…Am I the only one sensing some major B&D here?" Pietro asks.

"Don't be ridiculous," Tabby scoffs. "There'd be a whip."

"This can't be happening," Jubes moans. "I've been kidnapped by a crazy surfer dude." She goes into totally-obvious-psychic mode. 'Prof-Man, I need help. GET ME THE –mindcensored- OUT OF HERE!'

Back at the 'stute, Rogue and Pietro are playing Keep Away (or whatever you call it) while Magsy and Kurt (randomly in a karate gi) watch. "That's it, half-pint," Kurt says. "Keep the ball away from the ELF."

Pietro pauses in chasing Rogue to glare at Kurt. "You're gonna rub this in every chance you get, aren't you?" he asks.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Kurt yells, then continues. "You gotta concentrate or-"

Rogue phases through a tree, then runs smack into a branch, falling over and dropping the football.

Pietro ports over grabs it. "It's mine now, Rogue!"

"Gimme that!"

Pietro ports away to a very thin branch. "Watch where you're porting!" Kurt yells, before the branch breaks and Pietro falls. Rogue jumps through him, grabbing the ball.

Kurt groans and slaps his forehead. "What kind of move is that?"

"Innovation," Magsy supplies. "Adaptation. It's what they're here to learn…besides how to kick ass in spandex. GAHH!" He yells as he gets Jubes's mind-call. 'Jubes, stay calm. We'll find you.' "She's been kidnapped," he explains to Kurt.

Kurt launches into let's-get-down-to-business mode. "You, ELF, get Iceman. I gotta ride." Two seconds later, geared up in X-Geek Spandex™, he hops on his motorcycle and drives off.

Bobby, meanwhile, is rehearsing with Wanda. "Do you like me, Kate?"

"Pardonnez-moi?" Wanda reads. "I cannot tell what is 'like me.'"

"An angel is like you, Kate," Bobby reads, doing a retarded hand gesture. "And you are like an angel."

Wanda laughs. "The girls are right."

"That I'm a charmer?" Bobby preens.

"No, that from a certain angle you look like you play for the other team," Wanda says.

Bobby pouts (which doesn't help. In fact, it makes it worse). "Look, I'm just reading the lines, okay?"

"Uh-huh," Wanda says sarcastically, before switching moods and going into angst mode with a melodramatic sigh. "But sometimes, I wish…"

"Yeah? Wish what?" Bobby asks.

"Wish…I could get close to somebody," Wanda says. "But you know what happens when I do."

Bobby nods sympathetically. "Toad hops in the middle."

One bamf later, Pietro appears on the table they're sitting at in full X-Geek Spandex™. "Whoa! Tender moment here? Sorry to interrupt."

Wanda rolls her eyes. "I swear, he's like an annoying little brother."

"What's the problem?" Bobby asks while Pietro sticks his tongue out at Wanda.

"Jubes's been nabbed," Pietro says.

Bobby flips. "WHAT?!" he yells, grabbing Pietro by the spandex.

"Hey, don't kill the messenger!" Pietro says. "Kurt's on the scent. But I'm supposed to collect you."

Bobby pounds the table (angsty-loverboy sheen). "Havok. If he's hurt her, I'll-" He stops, noticing Wanda turned away. "You know anything about this?"

"No," Wanda says, insulted. "And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

"Then I hope you can live with your conscience," Bobby says, then places a hand on Pietro's shoulder. "Teleporter to maximum, Maximoff."

Pietro salutes. "Aye, captain."

"Engage." And they port off.

Wanda shakes her head. "And he wonders why people talk."

Back at the 'stute, Bobby, Pietro, and Rogue stand in front of Magsy. "I've been in mental contact with Jubes," Magsy says. "But she has no idea where she is. All I can tell is that she and Havok are somewhere in this area." He points at a blinking circle on the screen.

"Then let's move," Bobby says (Captain-S visor-sheen).

Meanwhile, Alex is still loco. "This is gonna be the best night you've ever had!" he says excitedly. "Dinner, dancing-"

"Alex, this is all wrong," Jubes says. "You can't force someone to like you."

"Why not?" Alex asks. "I'm stronger than everyone. And I rip at surfing!"

"Being nice…and not talking about surfing so much…usually works better," Jubes says.

"Oh, yeah!" Alex says. "I just remembered I've got a surprise for you." He disappears into another room.

Jubes rolls her eyes. "If it's a surfboard…"

Outside, Kurt pulls up, sniffs the air, and grins evilly. "I found 'em," he says into his X-Communicator. "They're at the old ironworks at the south end. I'm going in."

"Kurt, wait for backup," Magsy orders. Kurt shuts off the X-Communicator and heads in.

"Nightcrawler has the location," Magsy says to Pietro and Rogue (in the X-Van) and Bobby (in the X-Convertible). "I'm transmitting the coordinates."

"Got it, Prof-Man," Bobby says, pulling a U-turn. "Be there in three."

Back inside, Alex is carrying his surprise for Jubes – not a surfboard, but an ancient record player…somehow with the soundtrack of Johnny Tsunami on it in vinyl (go figure). (2)

However, Kurt takes that moment to barge in. Alex tosses him (and the record player) into the wall, but Kurt stands up again right away (of course). Alex picks up an even bigger…thing…and throws it at Kurt (who mysteriously reappears on the rafters). After more fighting, Alex finally pins Kurt. "Jubes's my friend," he says. "You can't take her!"

(During this time, Jean is trying to use her TK to get herself free. Just thought you should know she's not sitting there idly like a total DID.)

Bobby blows the door open. "We're just giving her a way out," he says in his hero-to-the-rescue-exclamation-point voice. "Through you, if necessary." There is no hero-to-the-rescue-exclamation-point sheen, since Bobby sends an optic blast at him.

Alex blocks it and tosses Kurt at him, sending them both flying back into Kurt's motorcycle and knocking Bobby's visor off (and both of them out).

A pair of shoes appear next to Bobby's visor. Then a hand touches Bobby's face, and zappy zappy! (This has no effect on Bobby, since he's pretty much out for the count.)

Alex opens the door to Jubes's room – to get smacked in the face by a tin cabinet (à la Jubes's TK). He grabs the cabinet and holds it over his head. "Nobody respects me!" he yells. "And you're the worst! You pretended to be my friend!" He hurls the cabinet at her, but she blocks it with her TK and lowers it to the ground.

Alex goes and grabs and even larger…thing…to throw at Jubes, but stops when he feels an optic blast on the back of his neck, shocking him into dropping the…thing. He shoves the…thing…aside to see Wanda with glowing red eyes.

"Hey, that looks pretty cool," Tabby says.

"Thanks," Wanda grins, then proceeds to yell at Alex. "Leave her alone!"

"What are you gonna do to me?" Alex demands. "Steal my powers, then use Bobby's to blast me through the roof and into a garbage dump?"

Wanda grins, walking toward him. "Didn't Ororo tell you what my power is?" she asks.

"No," Alex says. "Because I don't care."

Wanda ducks a swing from him and grabs his arm with her bare hand. "My power is your power, and I can take more than one!" She kicks him in the air and blasts him across the room into a pile of junk.

Alex bursts out of the pile of junk. "I have too much power, even for you!" he yells. "You can't hurt me! I'm…" He pauses for effect. "Havok!"

"…That's not too impressive," Wanda says. "And you're just garbage that wanted a date. Now, I'm taking you out!" She shudders for a moment. "Ugh, that sounds so lame." Alex leaps at her, and Wanda uses Bobby's powers to blast him through the roof and into a garbage dump.

Alex rubs his head. "Damn. I really gotta stop giving these chicks ideas."

Back at…that…place…Wanda puts Bobby's visor back on for him. "There you go," she says. "I only took a short-term dose of your power. You should be back to normal soon."

Bobby shakes his head. "You are like an angel, Kate."

"My name's not Kate," Wanda says. "And I'm no angel."

"But you helped us," Jean counters. "Why?"

"I don't know," Wanda says in a fit of angst ("Not again," Bobby groans). "I just don't know!" She runs off.

"Hey, wait!" Jubes starts after her, but Kurt grabs her wrist. "Easy, Yellow. Let her go."

"But she-" Jubes protests.

"She isn't ready," Kurt says. "Trust me on this. There's a lot more angst before that happens."

"Okay," Rogue says. "So maybe she's part of tha dark icky sahde. But Ah figure we lahke, totally owe her now. …Ew. Ah just said lahke, totally."

"Yeah," Bobby agrees. "Yeah, we do. Big time." He places his hand on Jubes's shoulder, and she gazes up adoringly at him.

"…JUST KISS HER ALREADY!" Pietro yells.

Everyone stares quizzically at him. "What?" Pietro demands. "They've got unresolved sexual tension! …Plus, I don't do good with silences."

Tabby sighs. "Up next, we meet our Evan and our Pietro!"

"How are they rahvals?" Rogue asks.

"Yeah, they've never even met," Kurt says.

"Wait, he might have been around when…" Bobby says, thinking. "Was he?"

Jubes shrugs and snaps her gum.

"Where did you get gum?" Bobby demands.

"…Internet." (3)

……………

(1) – She did, man. She did. If you don't understand just where she stabbed the guy, allow me to explain (squeamish people – boys in particular, since it pertains to your anatomy – scroll on by, please). The girl (Takako Chigusa, played by Chiaki Kuriyama) stabbed the guy (Kazushi Niida, played by Hirohito Honda) in the balls. In the book, she crushed them underneath her foot. Painful either way, really. Except in the book, she gouged out his eyes first.

(2) – Johnny Tsunami is an old Disney Channel movie. I don't think it has a soundtrack, and if it does, it's definitely not on vinyl. But it has to do with surfing, and Alex loves his surfing.

(3) – If I must…Fairly Odd Parents.

Alex's Surfer Lingo:

Rip – to surf to the best of one's ability.

Thassall for now! Up next: our new Evan and Pietro, who you can guess fairly easily if you read the opening credits. Hopefully, I'll get it up soon. Ciao!