HELLATRIX

Title: Harco, Honks, and Hellatrix

Author: 2NiteItBeginz

Pairing: Harry/Bellatrix

Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize as being from Harry Potter. It all belongs to JK Rowling, the bitch...

Warnings: language later, probably, and slash for Harco, and maybe a few others

Summary: This is my plot bunny for a series of one- shots making parodies of some of the more unusual pairings in HP fanfiction. Please understand that I'm not trying to undermine anyone's fic preferences, this is just a fun thing I'm doing in my spare time, so please don't flame me because I hate your favorite pairings, I don't. In fact, I rather enjoy a few of these.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Harry woke up with a scowl on his face and a curse on his breath. After yesterday, and what he had dubbed the 'Tonks debacle,' he wasn't about to hold out hope that today would be any less unusual.

Indeed, Harry was proven right, as a deep black raven tapped its talon on his window. He smothered a sigh before getting off the bed and opening the aforementioned window and tentatively taking the letter it held in its claw. After all, those looked really sharp...

Harry watched the raven fly over to Hedwig's perch and shook his head in part wonder, part exasperation as the bird took a sip of the cool water. He took a closer look at the message he now held, and as he went to open it, he noticed the vaguely familiar seal holding it closed.

'Strange,' Harry mused as he broke it. 'It looks like a dog's paw, so it must be from someone in the black family,' He thought, even though it was a Sirius thing to be a dog Animagus, not a Black thing. He read:

Dear Harry,

You do not know me well, nor do I think you would wish to, but that's not the point. I beg of you to not burn or rip up this message, even though you may think I'm a Death Eater and evil and kill and maim Muggles for sport and all that stuff,

Harry stopped reading and rubbed his eyes. Whoever this was, they couldn't be that proper of a Death Eater, if they described torturous murder, rape, and who knew whatever sort of vile things as 'all that stuff.' He continued on:

-and I killed one of the only people in this world who meant anything to you,

Harry stopped again. He was beginning to get a hunch, and it caused a faint sinking feeling in his stomach.

-but I hope we can become the best of friends and more someday, even though I've been in Azkaban for all those years and probably look about as good as a Banshee. That's no matter, though, I'll just take a de – aging potion and we'll fall in love, along with my sister and my niece, Nymphadora. Anyway, I've been under the Imperius Potion for fifteen years, and my husband has been raping me for almost twice that. There were some points where I was able to fight it, though, which is why I used a stunner instead of the Killing Curse on my favorite cousin Sirius. The Potion acted up again, though, but you broke its hold on me my hitting me with the Cruciatus Curse. Even though Voldemort has cast it on me thousands of times, yours was more powerful, even if I did break it in less than three seconds. Anyway, I'd like to thank you in person for shooting an incredibly illegal and painful curse at me, so if you'll please let me see you, touch the button on the bottom of this letter, and it'll take me straight to you. Of course, I'll probably be wearing an unbelievably revealing nightgown, because that's what all dark witches (and some wizards!) wear to bed. I hope you touch the button, even tough if I were as cunning as a Slytherin should be, this could very well be a trap where I made all of that up.

Sincerely,

Bella/Trixy/Trixie/Trix/Latrix Black

Harry blinked.

He blinked again.

He began banging his head very hard against the windowsill.

This was just not his week.