This inevitable chapter came about after scanning the first page of the POTC category on here to find 16 of the 25 stories contained OCs. I regret having to say this, but in my experience, there is rarely a difference between OCs and Mary Sues, and I tend to use the terms interchangeably. Of course there are wonderful, well written exceptions, but the vast majority aren't, and there are more and more of them everyday. Of course some stories require minor characters to be created, and this chapter is not meant to offend, just to entertain. I could make a lot of enemies with this chapter, but it must be done. MUST I SAY!

"Well, well look who finally decided to come out of the closet!" -snort-

"I suppose I should have expected that. Though I had hoped after the whole slash incident, you'd be a bit more sensitive."

"James, there are far worse things out there then slash, and I've just discovered one. Behold if you dare, the horrors of original characters."

"Original characters? That doesn't sound so bad. At least not compared to some of the abhorrent things you've drudged up from the darkest depths of the internet."

"Oh, but it is. Because there is a particularly terrifying species of original character, the Mary Sue. A thinly veiled representation of the author who created them, they are flawless one-dimensional beings that manage to get whomever the author decides to fall madly in love with them, no matter how out-of-character it would be for said individual."

"People actually do that!?"

"Badly and prolifically."

"But, why?"

"Really, must you ask? When someone as charming and charismatic as myself comes along, it's only natural for people to long to escape their mundane, meaningless existences and dream of sailing off into the sunset with yours truly. Unfortunately, rather then keep these fantasies to themselves, they decide to share them with the world, and the worst part is, of all the thousands upon thousands of them out there, not one of them has ever gotten it right!"

"Well, what are these thousands of authors doing wrong besides deciding that they want their character to fall in love with you?"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that last bit. First off, all those that get it right and have their characters be filthy rich usually make them lose or worse yet, abandon their vast and lovely fortunes for adventure on the high seas. It's utterly shameful. By the time they meet me, they've bartered their last shilling on passage to Tortuga, where I, lonely and vulnerable, am waiting to fall madly in love with them at first sight. Not even a ring on their bloody perfect fingers!"

"Well I can see how that would be rather appalling to you, Sparrow."

"Then there's the pirate captains..."

"Pirate captains?"

"Yes. Successful, strong, independent women who've somehow have managed to get an entire crew of the most devious, debacheruous, lecherous, cruel, vicious, and perverted men alive to respect and obey their every order."

"What could be wrong about a woman like that? Besides the obvious poor choice in career, of course. You two would have a lot in common."

"Precisely! Why in God's name would I be interested in someone who was in direct

competition with myself? I'd be far to busy trying to cheat, scam, swindle, and otherwise ruin any female pirate captains to fall in love with them. And if I did happen to fall in love with one, like so many stories insist, you'd come along and lock her up!"

"Well, thank goodness that's not the case. I'd have a much harder time sending convicted pirates to the gallows if they were of the fairer sex. I simply could not do it."

"Yes, conventional and traditional gentleman that you are. I however, am a forward thinking, progressive man who considers the sexes equal, and would have absolutely no problem blasting her ship to absolute pieces."

"Well, I must say Sparrow, this whole business is rather unnerving."

"I've barely scratched the surface of this disturbing genre. Princesses of forgotten lands, magical gypsies, sirens under spells, sisters and nieces and cousins and daughters of various characters, barmaids, housemaids, mermaids, maids of honor, whores with hearts of gold, stowaways, neglected orphans, lonely aristocrats, and my personal favorite, authors who have simply been sucked into the story by some weak plot device or another. They can sing like angels, have hair like spun silk, and have absurdly colored dazzling eyes that tend to change with their moods. And I fall in love with every single bloody one of them."

"Dear Lord!"

"Except, of course, for the ones that prefer Will or, Heaven help them, you."

"What?!"

"Don't think you're exempt from this."

"My God, I daresay this is worse then slash!"

"Not so fast, I haven't even gotten to their names! I've never seen anything like them. I do believe I've found a pattern though. It's usually some sort of precious gem for the first name, and if that gem in anyway resembles the ocean, then so much the better. Then the last is usually some facet of the character that the author so obviously wants the reader to pick up on, they stick it right in their bloody name. Aquamarine Destiny Trueheart, Sapphire Hope, Opal Mystery Stardustunicormsparklepants."

"This is a truly disturbing development. Can nothing be done?"

"Resistance is futile, I'm afraid. There's simply too many. But you know how the saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them...then beat them."

"I'm not entirely sure that's how it goes, but how exactly do you plan on doing it?"

"By making the greatest original character of them all. One I'd actually find attractive. Firstly the name. Hmm… how about something like...Edith T. McAmplebust."

"McAmplebust?"

"She's Scottish."

"Of course."

"As I was saying, Edith T. McAmplebust, the wealthy and naive distillery owner's daughter. That, my dear Commodore, is someone you could fall madly in love with...at least until I've been assured she's no longer wealthy or naive." -snicker-

"Sparrow, every time I think there is no conceivable way you could get anymore despicable, you prove me wrong in a most admittedly spectacular fashion."

"What can I say Commodore, I aim to impress."

Poor Norrie didn't have much in the way of dialogue this chapter (rest assured, he'll always get a few insults in) but I'll try to make up for it next chapter. Once again, apologies if this upset you, but, it had to be done!. Reviews greatly appreciated! Oh, and if this isn't enough Norrington-and-Jack-exploring-the-POTC-fandom, check out the delightful Sparrington spinoff "Norrington's Payback" by Jennifer Lynn Weston