A/N: Hmm… here's the last one. And no, I'm not making fun of bipolar people.
Important! In the last paragraph, Sakura is talking to INNER Sakura, not the therapist. Just in case someone find's it confusing.
Summary: Team Seven, sick of each other's behavior; decide to see a councilor at the suggestion of Kakashi.
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Therapy: Sakura
(AKA: Preversius Schizophrenien)
Hi there, I'm Haruno Sakura. Yeah, I'm Sasuke's friend, why do you ask? He said he'd do what to you? Ew! That's disgusting. But kind of sexy. I'm not sick in the head! Okay, well, maybe just a little.
Naruto? Oh, he didn't show up because he got lost and ended up in the wrong building and talked to a mailman for like four hours. Hey, don't call him stupid! Okay, maybe he is kind of dense. Okay, maybe I call him stupid too, but that doesn't mean you can, too!
It does? Oh.
What's that? Oh, right, I should talk about my teammates. Okay, I'll talk about Naruto first. In the beginning I didn't like him very much, but he kind of holds on to you and doesn't let go, you know? Kind of like a baby koala…
What do you mean you're glad I'm not like Sasuke? Whatever. Anyway, the first time I met Naruto was when I was five, actually. See, I was playing in the sandbox by myself because I was depressed and contemplating suicide-
That's not normal for a five-year-old? Especially since they were just picking on my forehead?
Overdramatic? Me? Nah.
Anyway, like I was saying, so he comes up to me and we start talking, and he's all nice and stuff. And then he comforts me and I give him a hug- but what does he do? He licks my frikkin cheek and then squeezes my butt! That bastard! I don't think he even remembers it, that jerk. Yes, he was five too. He's a pedophile and that's illegal? I know that, stupid, jeez.
Over time though, I got used to him, and now can even say he's one of my best friends. Even though he does seem to flaunt the fact that he's the container for the nine-tailed fox in Sasuke's face.
Talk about Sasuke? Sure. He's kind of emo, really, but that's just part of his appeal. He's dark and mysterious, reclusive, handsome, and kind of asexual- everything a girl could want. What do you mean that's not what every girl wants? Oh, really? That's weird.
How does he make me feel? Well, he makes me feel kind of stupid, in a good way. Yeah, there is a good way to feel stupid. He also makes me feel like I'm in heaven, my hands get sweaty, I blush and stutter- I kind of turn into Hinata, that girl that follows Naruto around and loves him and is really obvious about it but Naruto still hasn't noticed. That idiot, I feel sorry for Hinata.
Anyway, so he makes me feel like, nervous and stuff but still I feel like… I don't know, like I couldn't live without him. Oh, also my underwear seems to get wet, and I want to glue my hips to his and squeeze his butt. What do you mean I'm a sick pervert? Well, with a teacher like Kakashi I guess it can't be helped. Hormones? Yeah, I sort of know what they are. Reproduction? Sex? THAT'S HOW BABIES ARE MADE? That's disgusting! But kind of sexy. Maybe I should ask Sasuke if he wants to have little Uchiha kids running around everywhere.
That would only scare him and make him run away to Mexico where he'd find a hot Mexican girl to settle down with away from me and then they'd get married once he overcomes his fear of commitment and have little Uchiha kids? Jeez doctor, do you like, obsess about us in your spare time or something?
You do? That's gross. And somehow I think it'll take a very long time for Sasuke to get over his problems- and not just his commitment ones. Yes, I know about his problems. Did he tell you the story about the ice cream and the Oregano? Yeah, he is kind of wrong in the head. Why do I still like him? I don't know, I just do.
What do you mean I have problems because I love him? I do not! Okay maybe I do. I'm not bipolar! And it's not that bad to have problems… Is it that bad? Am I gonna die? Oh my god, I'm too young to die! I think I'm gonna cry! I should commit suicide and join Sasuke in his emoness! NO, I'm not depressed, but I think I can see what you meant about bipolar. No, no you can't call me Emo Queen of the World. No, you also can't call me Little Miss Moody.
Voices? What brings that up? Yeah, Sometimes I do hear voices in my head, but that's just the result of hiding my true personality and being picked on for eight years about my forehead and thinking about suicide at the age of five. The voices name? Oh, I don't know, I just call her Inner Sakura. Let her out? She'll kill you.
Why, you ask? She says you're a phony and you look like Orochimaru and you're trying to manipulate me into saying what you want. But you're not, right? Good.
She says I'm gullible. Hey, wait, I'm not gullible! Shut up! No, you shut up! Sasuke's brother is not hotter than he is! No, I will not go rape Itachi and Sasuke and Naruto and Kakashi and- will you shut up? That's gross! But kind of sexy. Blood? No! I will not go and try to kill the Hokage and join Akatsuki! No, I will not go punch Rock Lee and- wait, did you just tell me to go and rape Ino, too? That's sick! Not to mention, I'm not really equipped for that. Surgery? They can do that now! Ew! How disgusting and unnatural. But kind of sexy. Damnit, will you shut up already? Argh!
You know what, doctor? Forget Inner Sakura, I don't care what she says; I think my time is up anyway.
…
…
…
Doctor? Hello? Meh, oh well. Maybe I'll go find Ino…
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Well, that's it folks… I hope it wasn't too bad, I just figured I'd write a humor fic since I've done a lot of angst lately. Review if you can, I appreciate the comments.
(For anyone that doesn't know) Bipolar Disorder: A treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior.