Red vs Blue

conspiRacy VerBatim

Chapter 1

Yes….I am back…yes…this is a new story no I didn't use any of the suggested plots (although I did decide to borrow some parts about them that I liked) cuz, well, I didn't think I could work with them, and they were thought of on the spot….yes you shall die laughing of it. So remember to write a will before reading this. You should probably put in something like… "I leave everything in my possession to Duo Jagan." At any rate, you all know that I am obsessed with making my fics fit into the time line…but this fic WOULD start off where the last fic did….which I won't want to do….so Lets just say that this happens at the end of my last fic before the dropship fell on Donut…does that work? IT BETTER WORK!

Disclaimer:…I don't own the stuff that I don't own that I use in this fic.

Tucker sat down at his computer, ready to sure the internet, for whatever Tucker surfs for. Before he could even press a single key, an odd message appeared on screen.

Do you want to know the truth?

Tucker: "Huh?"

There are truths beyond lies

Tucker: "What the hell is this thing talking about?"

THE CONSPIRACY YOU IDIOT!

Tucker: "Someone else knows about the conspiracy? YES! I'M NOT INSANE!"

Meet me in the middle of Blood Gulch. Come ALONE.

Tucker: "hm….find out the life changing answers to the Conspiracy I've been trying to find out about for some time now….or look at porn…..what should I do!"

Caboose: "Hi Tucker. What are you doing?"

Tucker: "Caboose, I don't think you should be looking at."

Caboose: "What are those men doing?"

Tucker: "One of them is a woman Caboose."

Caboose: "How can you tell? Unless you see what kind of cloths they are wearing?"

Tucker: "Tex wears the same armor as us, how do you know she's a girl?"

Caboose: "…..Tex is a girl?"

Tucker: "….Okay, I really don't want to put up with this now, so its time to find out the story behind the conspiracy."

Caboose: "I like conspiracies."

Tucker: "Great, you can come with me incase I need a human shield."

Caboose: "We should bring Church…It would be good quality time between the three of us."

Tucker: "Quality time? With Church? We should bring Sheila instead."

Caboose: "That is a good idea…we will have so much fun, just like last time you, me, and Sheila did something together."

Tucker: "You mean…when we killed Church?"

Caboose: "That was fun, AND it was good for quality time."

Church: "HEY I HEARD THAT!"

Caboose: "Quality time was a lot better when he wasn't yelling. I think I liked him better when he was sleeping."

Church: "I WASN'T SLEEPING I WAS DEAD!"

Caboose: "Tucker…I think I heard something…it sounded very angry and mean."

Church: "It's me! I'm in the room above you. Look up idiot."

Caboose: "Yup, this guy is mean. He could be Church's best friend."

Church gave up and walked away.

Tucker: "Come on Caboose, we have a conspiracy to hunt."

While this pointless conversation was going on, Griff was sitting down at his computer in Red base.

Do you want to know the truth?

Griff: "Huh?"

I have the answers you have been hunting. Meet me in the center of Blood Gulch

Griff: "I haven't been looking for any answers."

Aren't you the least bit curious?

Griff: "Yah, I am. Since when did we have a computer?"

Um... since Tuesday?

Griff: "Hey! Are your responding to what I say?"

No…no…whatever gave you that idea?

Griff: "Oh, okay then."

Sarge: "GRIFF! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Griff: "Talking to the computer."

Sarge: "When did we get a computer?"

Griff: "Last Tuesday, according to it."

Sarge: "Let me see." As Sarge approached the computer, the screen turned off the message and turned on pong."

Sarge: "DEAR LORD THIS IS HORRIBAL! The computer is a total n00b at pong. I need someone challenging to beat!"

Simmons: "I'll play you Sarge."

Donut: "Hey what's going on?"

Griff: "They're playing pong."

Donut: "What! I WANT TO PLAY!"

Griff: "Donut, you brought an X-box 360 with burnout revenge here, and you want to play PONG!"

Donut: "It has the most enhanced 1 bit graphics in history!"

Griff: "That settles it! I'm just going to chase after this random conspiracy.

In the middle of blood gulch, Tucker and Caboose were looking for their informer.

Caboose: "Who are we looking for?"

Tucker: "I don't know."

Caboose: "Do you know what the person looks like?"

Tucker: "No."

Caboose: "Oh……Who are we looking for?"

Tucker banged his head against the rock that was next to him.

Caboose: "I DO THAT ALL THE TIME!"

Tucker: "Hey…I think I see someone coming."

Griff: "OH MY GOD! IT'S THE BLUES! IT'S A TRAP!"

Caboose: "I like your new friend Tucker."

Griff: "I see you're here to capture me… I can't believe I fell for this!"

Tucker: "No, no, it's not a trap."

Griff: "It isn't?"

Tucker: "We were told to come here,"

Griff: "By who?"

Mysterious voice: "BY ME!"

Everyone turned to see what looked like a completely normal marine sipping coffee.

Marine: "I am Major Major, but you can call me, Major Major Major. Unless you want to use my middle name as well, in which case you shall refer to me as, Major Major Major Major."

Griff: "What?"

Major: "My parents read Catch 22 a few times more than they should have…it was my fathers life long mission to make me Major Major Major Major."

Griff: "Okay then…."

Major: "I have gathered you all here, because only you three know of the Conspiracy."

Griff: "Not me. I don't know what you're talking about."

Tucker: "And Caboose is only here because….well he wouldn't stop following me."

Major: "Okay….well at least ONE of you knows about the Conspiracy."

Tucker: "Yup. That's me."

Major: "Good…then you're coming with me."

Tucker: "Why?"

Major: "Because at this current time, there are three snipers surrounding this position. And if you do not cooperate, then I will give them the order to kill you."

Tucker: "Oh yah, prove it."

Major put down his coffee on the rock next to him.

The Major picked up his radio, and after a moments paused, whispered coldly into the radio, "Sniper 1, shoot the coffee cup."

Griff and Tucker stared at the cup, expecting a bullet to pierce it any moment. Instead they received a loud scream from beside them.

Major: "I SAID SHOOT THE COFFEE CUP! NOT SHOOT ME! I'M BLEEDING FROM MY LEG HERE! Drunk? WHAT DO YOU MEAN DRUNK! Sniper 2 KILL SNIPER 1!"

Suddenly a hole appeared in the Coffee cup, and the hot liquid started leaking out.

Major: "I SAID SNIPER ONE! NOT THE COFFEE CUP! DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU ARE HI ON TYLENOL AGAIN!...well that settles it, Sniper 3, Kill Sniper 1 and Sniper 2."

Another shot was fired, and Major fell to the ground.

Major: "Sniper 3…what's your god damned excuse?...your girl friend dumped you? HOW IS THAT AN EXCUSE TO SHOOT ME!...oh you are also on drugs, okay then that explains it."

Caboose: "I think its Majors nap time."

Tucker: "What? NO! NOT NOW! WE NEED TO FIND OUT MORE!"

Major: "Draconian devil! Oh, lame saint!"

Griff: "What?"

Tucker: "I think its an Anagram."

Griff: "How do you know? And more importantly, what IS an anagram."

Tucker: "I don't know it just seemed like the right thing to say."

Major coughed, and slowly closed his eyes.

Tucker: "That was my only lead."

Griff: "Wait…his suitcase!"

Tucker: "I'm pretty sure its locked."

A sniper shot hit the case, and it fell open.

Tucker: "Wow…okay then that's convenient."

The trio, then remembered that they were in the middle of an open canyon, and that there were three snipers, each with their own problems shooting around at random.

Tucker: "We have to get out of here before Church joins them!"

Griff: "Too late."

Church stood at the top of blue base and fired four shots, towards one of the snipers, all of which managed to hit Tuckers foot."

Tucker: "OH MY GOD IM DYING!"

Griff: "We have to take him to safety!"

Caboose: "I think Tucker has a boo boo."

Griff: "He was just shot in the foot Caboose."

Caboose: "Church shot me in the foot before… my toe fell off."

Tucker: "THAT ISN'T VERY REASURING!"

Griff and Caboose grabbed Tucker and dragged him to the near by cave.

Church: "Damn, these snipers are almost as bad as me… hey Sheila could you give me a hand?"

Sheila fired at one sniper, killing him instantly.

Church: "Wow, NO ONE CAN BEAT BLUE TEAM!"

Red team, was still playing pong inside their base when a bullet flew in and hit Donut.

Donut: "OH GOD! IM DYING! IM DYING!"

Sarge: "What? You can't die! I need someone easy to play against."

Simmons: "You SAID you wanted to face someone challenging."

Sarge: "No, I said I wanted to BEAT someone challenging. It isn't any good if you beat me."

Simmons: "Sir, we need to find a new game."

Sarge: "What could be better than pong?"

Donut: "Massive multiplayer online pong?"

Sarge: "Nah, its been done."

Donut: "Four way break out?"

Sarge: "Great idea!"

Simmons: "How will that work?"

Sarge: "When a person hits the ball, whatever points the ball gets from hitting the blocks will go to that person."

Simmons: "But four people would be neck and neck, it will be hard to tell who hits the ball."

Sarge: "All we need to do is put one paddle higher than the others."

Simmons: "I see, and since the paddle has less time to respond it will be fair."

Sarge: "And we should also make the top paddle far faster, and have the ability to destroy the other paddles."

Simmons: "What!"

Sarge: "You heard me."

Simmons: "But that's not fair!"

Sarge: "It doesn't have to be fair, as long as I win it's a good game."

Simmons: "Oh, yah I completely agree sir. Lets make it right now."

As soon as those words escaped Simmons lips, a marine with a sniper rifle fell through the roof of red base, crushing the computer.

Simmons: "HOLY SHIT!"

Donut: "Well…we can still rebuild it."

The computer broke into thousands of tiny pieces.

Donut: "We can salvage the parts."

Each individual shard of the computer exploded.

Sarge: "Well…at least Griff isn't dead…." Sarge looked around hopefully.

Donut: "Wait a minute, where IS Griff?"

Sarge: "I don't know but we HAVE to find him so I can blame him for this random accident which obviously had nothing to do with him."

Back at Blue base…..

Sheila: "All enemies have been neutralized."

Church: "Say that again."

Sheila: "Why?"

Church: "Because it sounds really cool when a tank says it."

Sheila: "Maybe we should focus on finding out why those bad snipers were put in place."

Church: "It seems to me that a lot of the shots went to the middle of the canyon…maybe we should check it out."

Sheila: "I agree."

Church climbed down to the base.

Church: "Hey Doc, Sheila and I are leaving for a bit, can you take care of the baby?"

Doc was in a corner, keeping back an Elite baby with a stool.

Doc: "I'm not sure how much longer I can hold him!"

Church: "You sure it's a he?"

Doc: "….I'm not going to check."

Church: "Whatever. Good look man."

Doc: "Don't leave me!"

While Doc was being maimed by a baby elite, red team was running towards the center of the canyon.

Simmons: "Why are we running?"

Sarge: "The sooner we find and harm Griff the better."

Red team reached the center and stopped. Right in front of them, was a dead body, a cup of coffee, a tank, and a blue soldier.

Church: "I don't suppose YOU know what's going on?"

Why was Major trying to rip off the Davinci code when he was based off a Catch 22 character? Will Tuckers foot be all right? Will Caboose ever find his brain? Find out next chapter, or blackmail me into giving you the answers!

……..I always feel like my first chapters aren't very funny for some reason? Was this one good? It's like I'm incapable for telling with every first chapter of my stories.