Chapter Two: The Aliens; Allies and Enemies and the goddamn Tok'ra who drive everybody nuts!
I : The Tok'ra
1. Calling the Tok'ra or the Goa'uld snake heads is the best way to annoy them into going away, just make sure you suck up enough to get the info first or if it's the Goa'uld make sure that your far enough away that you can run and they won't catch you (the shortest distance is three galaxies, but we recommend four just incase they've got some new weapon the Tok'ra have conveniently forgotten to mention, see number 2)
2. The Tok'ra will forget to tell you things, no matter what.
3. Said forgetfulness is not always an accident.
4. Never trust the pretty Tok'ra, split personalities often lead to almost constant PMS.
5. Most aliens with two personalities will not speak with contractions do not instead of don't
6. Don't bother trying to teach a Tok'ra Earth slang, you'll just confuse them. And get called a child.
7. Just because one Tok'ra says she/he likes you, doesn't mean his/her other half does.
8. Beware being a short-time host for the Tok'ra, in their haste they forget to mention things, like lovers and boyfriends.
9. You will be ambushed by said lover and boyfriend when you first meet them.
10. Unless your willing to become a host the Tok'ra don't care.
11. Really.
12. No, I'm serious.
13. Really.
14. Why don't you believe me?
15. Watch the glowing eyes!
16. Never ever let the Tok'ra talk you into the becoming a host, even if it's only for two weeks.
17. During these two weeks, if you get stuck with as a host, you will most likely so things that will result in you getting caught and tortured and seeing your dead best friend.
18. Never let the Tok'ra heal you if you're not giving them something in return, and even if you are it's most likely they'll use this opportunity to stick a snake in your head without telling you.
II : The Asgard
19. They're naked and they don't get used to it.
20. They, with the possible exception of Thor, have no sense of humor.
21. Don't joke with them.
22. They are smarter then you, even if their little gray men.
23. If you call them Roswell grays, they won't understand what you mean, but they know where Roswell is, its best not to ask how.
24. Certain members of the race have done strange experiments on people and have abducted them, this is not the general consensus with their people so let it go, even if you were an abductee.
25. Don't tell jokes with them, their more likely to get the Jaffa's jokes then yours.
III : All the other Aliens
26. If it looks like a cat, purrs like a cat, walks like a cat, and acts like a cat, it's probably not a cat.
27. If the aliens you're visiting have more advanced technology then you, they aren't going to share it...even when you save their entire civilization from destruction and you will end up saving their civilization from destruction.
28. While your team may start out as all earth personnel, within the first year you will have at least one alien member.
29. Said alien member will be able to; convey words with expressions and as such rarely speak, kick your ass to kingdom come in any kind of fighting, never loose their calm, not understand the concept of TV but mostly likely will love Star Wars, and will have contacts with people on every other planet you will ever visit.
30. Said aliens jokes will never make sense.
31. Never ask said alien about said jokes because they think they're funny and that you want to hear them and its your funeral if you tell them otherwise.
32. If said alien is a women never, ever comment on her fighting outfits.
33. Never trust anyone ; a.) whose eyes glow, b.) have strange voices, or c.) dress like monks.
34. Never ever trust an alien who is voluntarily volunteering to help you, there is most likely something going on you don't know about.
35. The lady alien on your team won't get along with your security chief, this is most likely because of some attraction that neither wants to admit.
36. If above argument comes to blows get out of the way or send your second in command to handle it, just expect to have to give up half your chocolate stash in apology when he gets sent to the infirmary.
37. Pretty alien women are not a good sign (though it could be argued pretty women are never a good sign in general)
38. Never say the above to any women you work with, alien or not, it will result in pain.
...diwedd...
Open to suggestions! ;)