The Idiots Guide to Stargate Travel
Chapter One : The Stargate itself
1. The Stargate is the giant round donut shaped thing with the weird symbols on it.
2. Don't ever refer to the gate in previous terms in the presence of any scientist.
3. The DHD is the mushroom shaped thing with the evil red eye in the middle and more weird symbols.
4. Don't ever refer to the DHD in previous term in the presence of any scientist.
5. The blue water like thing in the middle of the gate is the event horizon.
6. Don't ever refer to the event horizon in above terms in the presence of any scientist.
7. Numbers 1 and 3 will result in very, very long lectures with words you will never have heard before let alone understand.
8. If number 7 happens stand and smile and nod but do not speak. (See Chapter 3 for further Explanation)
9. The symbols on the gates are star constellations, (if you're a soldier no one will believe you if you say you can find them in the night sky (see chapter 4 for future explanation))
10. If anything can go wrong (and there's always something that can go wrong, even if it's as innocent as breathing) IT WILL GO WRONG!
11. Don't ever go through the gate not expecting to get hurt and always pack extra everything.
12. There are no coincidences. Really, you should now this by now and you're only in chapter one.
13. 'The simplest answer is usually the right one' doesn't apply the minute you step through the gate.
14. Your flagship team will preform miracles daily.
15. If you're stuck off world always make sure you have these things; coffee, chocolate, duck tape, a your swiss army knife, and a cell phone, reception wont work if your off world but the noises it makes will most likely scare your enemies or make them think your a god, either way you get saved, to that point a CD player or radio suffice.
16. Never trust anyone with a second personality, whether they have the same enemy as you or not.
17. Don't piss off the women you work with, especially if they're the base doctor.
18. Always smile when you step through the gate.
19. When stepping through the gate, do not hold your breath!
20. You're guaranteed to be a.) cloned, b.) turned invisible, c.) infused with multiple personalities, or d.) have your memory wiped at one point.
21. You will at least once have your consciousness downloaded into another body, person, ship, or robot version of yourself.
22. If some one bows to you the minute you step out of the gate or when you say you came through it...go back through it immediately. The trouble that's coming is not worth what they can give you.
23. Always carry extra first aid kits, someone, most likely and usually your geek, will always get hurt.
24. If your mission is going okay, good, simple, or easy you're about to die.
25. If you walk through the gate and see nothing within the immediate vicinity of the Stargate you'll be ambushed within the next hour.
26. Never, ever comment on the beautiful women you see, they are either daughter, wife, or sister of your host and chances their either married, engaged (the same thing as betrothed), or his sister. No matter who she is, you'll be insulting him somehow and it will result in you running for your life, if you not caught immediately and imprisoned.
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