AN: Thank you to all that reviewed! I'm sorry for the delay, things have been getting hectic around her. u.u My dad left for Afghanistan a few weeks ago so it's been a bit rough to adjust. But nonetheless! My muse prevails! It's 530AM in the morning and I must work at 900AM! Tee-hee! Hope you enjoy the third chappie to my wacky and uber-depressing story.

Disclaimer; I don't own it. All rights belong to Misashi Kishimoto and Shounen Jump.

Chapter Three
If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

He curled in on himself, wrapping his arms tightly around his knees. He wanted to die. He wanted Orochimaru to take him and eradicate his soul, scorch it off the face of the earth like a puddle underneath the unrelenting sun. He felt dirty, like he'd never be clean ever again.

"Get out of bed and get dressed." Kabuto ordered in a steely voice that brooked no argument.

Keeping in mind the latest round of punishments he had received, Sasuke complied. He dragged himself out of bed and stood weaving on his feet, unsure of what to do next. As long as he wasn't hurt again, he didn't care. As long as Kabuto didn't touch him, he'd do whatever he wanted.

The clothes were passed to him and Sasuke flinched slightly when their fingers brushed. He yanked his hand back, the clothes dropping to the floor. "Pick them up." Kabuto snapped while he picked up his tray and moved to the door, "When you are dressed, go and see Orochimaru. He wants you for something."

He shrugged into the clean yukata and hakama, tying the purple sash before tucking his sword into it. Pushing the hair away from his face, Sasuke glanced at himself in a mirror. He looked like nothing had been touched, and yet all he could feel was Kabuto's fingerprints over ever inch of his flesh. He wanted to take another shower. Shaking his head, he steeled his thoughts and schooled his facial features to its usual disinterested gaze. After maintaining it for more than ten minutes, he found himself feeling confident and relieved that a shadow of his old self had returned.

As the material slid over his flesh, Sasuke tried to keep the wince off of his face. It occurred to him then that perhaps, this reason for Orochimaru's request for his company was maybe to tell him the wait was over. After six years, he would finally be released from this fleshy prison. Perhaps hell was better than what he was going through at that moment. An eternity of hellfire seemed like a breeze after a night in Kabuto's attention. He couldn't recall the reason he wanted to live since the first week of the silver haired jounin's 'attentions'. That had been six weeks ago.

Attempting to shuck off the demon of despair, Sasuke shook himself like a wet dog before opening the door to Orochimaru's study. "You called, Orochimaru?"

"I have something for you, Sasuke-kun." The serpentine man rasped.

He kept the disappointment from showing on his face but just barely, as Orochimaru stood from his desk and handed Sasuke a velvet bag. He balanced it in the palm of his hands, the weight of it was soothing and warm. He rolled it in his fingers, curious to see what it is. "What is it?"

"A little gift I picked up. It's quiet interesting." He hissed, taking the bag and undoing the string, tilting it to let the heavy ball roll into Sasuke's outstretched hand. "Feed it a bit of chakra into it and it will show you whatever you want, past or present."

"Why not future?"

The sannin paused, looking thoughtful. He tapped a finger against his lip before saying, "I'm not sure. Maybe because the future is such an indefinite thing that it cannot settle on one course of events?"

He frowned, wondering why he would want to see anything in the past or present, now that he had no friends or family or even any enemies to worry about? Whatever the reasons for Orochimaru's gift, Sasuke gave a rare smile before saying, "Thank you, Orochimaru."

"Your welcome, Sasuke-kun." He took the crystal ball and dropped it into the bag, drawing the strings closed and handing it back to the young man. "Now run along, I have work to do."

Feeling somewhat patronized by the tone of Orochimaru's voice, Sasuke paused before deciding to ignore it. He didn't want to bother the man, seeing as if Kabuto came back and Orochimaru was in a mood because of him, the medic-nin would immediately hunt out Sasuke and punish him severely.

Back in the haven of his room, Sasuke locked the door and slid a chair beneath the doorknob. That would keep Kabuto out of for any reason he decided to visit. He tossed the crystal ball on the bed and flopped down beside it, lacing his fingers behind his head. Feeling himself strangely exposed by his supine position, Sasuke curled his arms over his head until his elbows almost touched while curling onto his side. He let go of his head for just a moment to grab the edge of the coverlet and draw it over his body. Then he pulled the velvet bag within the space between his thighs and his stomach. The drawstrings loosened and the ball rolled out, resting against his chest.

Within the dim confines of his blanket-made cocoon, Sasuke wrapped his hands around the precious crystal and fed just a minute amount chakra into it. Nothing happened and instead of feeling disappointed, Sasuke merely fed more and more into it until he found his limbs shaking from the effort. When the orb was too heavy to hold, he dropped his hand onto the mattress and stared at it, confused as to why it wasn't working. His sight went blurry and he blinked, feeling the hot flow of tears collect at the bridge of his nose before sliding down the crease where his nose met his cheek. He closed his eyes, hearing a hoarse sob break from his mouth. Burying his face in his hands, he reined in control with a few deep breaths and pulled away.

It was then that he realised that the crystal ball was glowing- subtly, but it was glowing. A soft ringing noise filled the air where his sobs had just been. The light grew steadily brighter until Sasuke was wincing. He reached out and touched it, feeling all the power he had shoved into it, shimmy across his skin. His vision went dark, he blinked but couldn't see and then, he was in a field a thousand miles away from Orochimaru's lair.

He was laying in the softly swaying grass, smelling the cool scent of night. The stars looked inviting and he realized that this was the first time he had seen the sky in a very, very long time. The moon hung high in the sky, its solitude journey at its apex. The warmth of the gentle breeze chased away the damp cold in his bones and he rolled onto his side, taking deep breaths of sweet grass.

He was suddenly made aware of a presence. He sat up, and turned his head each way but to no avail. He was alone and yet strangely not. Getting to his feet, Sasuke swayed slightly before taking a step towards the direction of the presence he felt. As he crossed the vast field, nearing the line of dark trees, a sound floated in on the wind. Sasuke frowned as he tried to identify the sound and then realized, when the sound persisted, that it was a soft moan.

There, lying just beneath a large oak tree, lay Naruto. Sasuke wanted to call out to the blond but found himself strangely stilled. His eyes focussed in on the scantily clad man that was lying on his side, looking like he had glued himself to Naruto's naked body. Articles of clothing had been strewn about carelessly, as if the clothing had jumped off their skin.

"S-sasuke…" Naruto growled, his hands buried in a dark haired head that bobbed over his thrusting hips. From where Sasuke stood, he couldn't see what exactly the person was doing but he knew without really needing to see, what it was that he was doing.

Was this the future? Sasuke wondered, had Orochimaru gotten wrong after all and the crystal ball did show the future? His heart skipped a beat at the prospect of seeing Naruto again, much less doing this with him. He was distracted from his thoughts as Naruto's cry echoed through the night. His back arched, his naked chest gleaming in the moonlight as the future Sasuke diligently licked at his softening shaft.

Sasuke stepped closer, squatting down on his haunches to watch the blond as he pulled his future self into his arms.

"I love you Sasuke." Naruto whispered, brushing a kiss on the crown of his head.

His heart wrenched painfully in his chest as he watched future-Sasuke look up and smile. He lowered his head then, pressing an ear to Naruto's naked chest. Sasuke could almost hear what his future-self was hearing. The steady ilub-dub/i of Naruto's heart inside his chest, the whoosh of air as it was taken into his lungs and pushed out through his nose.

Sasuke felt himself fading from the scene. He watched the colours slide away. He watched Naruto's body melt into the blackness that replaced the deep night's colours. Suddenly, he was laying in his bed a thousand miles away, beneath blankets that smelled faintly of sweat, blood, cum and above that, laundry detergent.

He wanted out, suddenly. He wanted to burst from the confines of his cage and out into the night to seek out Naruto. He didn't want to be here anymore. Nothing was worth dying for, nothing. He knew this now that he stood on the precipice of death. There was nothing worth dying for, but everything worth living for. To fight was to live. To surrender was to give up hope and die.

Naruto lay under the tree and watched the stars peek out from beneath the canopy of trees. His body felt heavy in the customary post-orgasm haze but it was curried by the insomnia that had gripped him since returning from his mission in sound country, where he had last seen Sasuke.

He let the bunshin go in a puff of smoke and sat up, tucking himself back into his pants and donning his shirt and jacket. He felt guilty and a little ashamed of himself for using his jutsu for such a perverted reason but his body had needs that Sasuke had woken during that fleeting moment they shared. He stood up and pried the kunai from the tree that he had been using for target practice.

Tonight, more than ever, he had sensed Sasuke. His smell was carried on the wind, just above the subtle scent of night flowers and crushed grass. The bunshin was merely a copy of himself turned into the image of Sasuke that he remembered last. He didn't have the mannerisms, the thoughts, the voice or the smell of him. It hadn't been a very convincing copy but it had done in a pinch.

Naruto sank down on his knees, feeling that somehow he had desecrated his best friend's image by doing this. By lusting after him so badly that at times, it hurt enough to make him want to die. His slipping control had caused someone to get injured on a mission during that day. He couldn't focus. When he stepped back into Konoha, he was whisked away to stand in front of the Hokage to explain why he had faltered so badly during the mission.

"I'm sorry, baa-chan. I fucked up."

The blonde woman scowled, "Yes you did Naruto." The severe look on her face melted away and she sighed, "What's been bothering you Naruto? I've gotten reports that you've been touchier than usual. You've been closing yourself off."

"It's nothing…"

"I think it is something if you FUBAR'd a mission this badly. It's not like you to get like this, Naruto." She said softly, her eyes reflecting her concerned words. "You've been like this since you returned from Sound which leaves me to believe that you have found Sasuke, despite your reports that the lead was a dud."

He could never lie to the woman. He loved her too much and it wasn't really in his character to do so. Naruto ducked his head, letting the silence fill in what she had already surmised. "You mean to tell me that you had Sasuke in your hands but you didn't do anything about it?" Her voice was soft, yet dangerous.

"I couldn't. I was eyebrow deep in Sound-nin. Sasuke's been put on some sort of metaphysical leash. He can't step out of the boundaries that Orochimaru has put down."

"But if you would have shared this bit of information from me earlier, I could have sent someone who could have broken him out." She said.

He gave her a blank look before asking, "And who is more powerful than me? With both my own chakra reserves and the Kyuubi's, who do you think could best me besides you? Are you willing to go, baa-chan?"

She frowned, "I could have sent Jiraiya."

"Right, if you can find him. The ero-sennin's been missing for four years."

Tsunade tapped her fingers on her desk, "I could go."

"No, the village needs you, old lady."

She smiled at him, all of her close to sixty years reflecting in her eyes, "Naruto, when did you grow up? When did you become such a smart, handsome ninja?"

"Che! I was always smart and handsome!" He crowed.

"My left foot you were! You were nothing but a gangly, smart-ass kid who didn't know when to shut up!"

"We couldn't expect an old lady like you to appreciate my good looks and charm." He stuck his tongue out, contradicting what she had said.

Her tired smile turned into an exasperated scowl, she slammed her fist on the table and yelled, "Stop calling me names, brat!"

"Call a spade, a spade! That's what I believe!" He taunted as he dodged a scroll that was aimed for his head. "See ya 'round old lady." Naruto waltzed out the door, chuckling as Tsunade hurled threats at him.

Kakashi stood leaning against a wall with his foot planted against it. He pushed off and fell into step beside him as they left the Hokage's dojo. He didn't speak until they were sitting at Ichiraku's, which was devoid of customers that time in the afternoon. "Just came from the hospital to tell you that Kiba-kun is alright."

Relief flushed the tension from his eyes, Naruto slumped in his chair and said, "Thank god."

"Are you going to go back to Sound for Sasuke-kun?" He asked once the old man had put their bowls of ramen in front of them and had moved away from earshot.

Naruto shrugged before dipping into his ramen. He didn't know how Kakashi knew half of what he did, but he didn't question it either. "I can't until I get stronger."

"You can beat Orochimaru, Naruto."

He shook his head, "Not yet I can't."

Naruto leaned his head back against the tree, trying to recall the rest of the day that had brought him to this point. It seemed that his inner circle of friends, Kakashi and Sakura, had known that he had seen Sasuke despite how he had tried to cover it up. He had been a bit surprised and a bit touched that they showed so much concern for him, despite the lies he had told them about the dry lead.

Could he really beat Orochimaru? He wondered, emboldened by Kakashi's confidence in his abilities. Kakashi had been wrong on things before, but not on something like Naruto's seemingly unlimited amount of power. He had always been told that, despite all that power, he lacked the imagination to apply it properly. That had been something he had worked at improving, but unfortunately, a lack of imagination was certainly not something that could be rectified with years of practice. There was only so far that it could get a person before sheer talent kicked in. But for what he lacked in intelligence and imagination, he made up for in stamina and stubbornness—downright pig-headedness as Sakura had called it.

The question that begged asking was, could he live with himself if Sasuke really died? He shook his head, feeling panic well up in the pit of his stomach. The thought of the Uchiha dying before he knew what Naruto really felt for him, was terrifying. Sasuke's end was undoubtedly drawing near and sitting there, contemplating things wasn't going to help the situation.

He made his way back to his apartment, jumping from roof to roof. Through his window instead of unlocking the door like any normal person would have done, Naruto threw himself into the room and scrambled for supplies he'd need for the journey and battle ahead.

It took him fifteen minutes to put together a travel pack and he was out the door, standing in front of Konoha's only gate as the sun slowly broke free of the horizon. A voice called to him, shattering the dawn air and he turned to see Sakura running after him.

"Where are you going, Naruto?" She asked, her voice soft and filled with fear.

"I'm going to get him back, Sakura-chan."

"But you can't go alone."

He shook his head sadly, "I'm sorry but I'm the only one capable of beating Orochimaru—besides Tsunade and Jiraiya. I don't want anyone coming with me because they'll just get in the way."

She looked like she was desperately trying not to cry. Holding a fist in front of her mouth to stifle a sob, Sakura whispered, "You won't let me go with you?"

Wrapping his arms around her shuddering shoulders, Naruto whispered softly, "I'll bring that idiot back so we can both have our fun beating the crap out of him for leaving us behind. I promise."

"You promise you'll be back—that you'll bring Sasuke back, too?"

"You have my word on it."

Looking relieved, she smiled, "Don't do anything stupid and don't forget to eat your vegetables. If anything goes wrong, you know the spy routes in Sound, right?"

"Of course!" He grinned, "You sound like you're married to me!" Despite the obvious fact that his pubescent crush for the woman had long since died off, he still couldn't help teasing her.

She blushed furiously and stuttered, "Naruto, you idiot! Don't make light of my feelings for you!"

He laid a kiss on her tear damp cheek before saying, "I'll see you in a few months, alright?"

"Okay. Be back before the wedding."

His eyes widened, "Uhm… wedding…? You know I was just joking… right?"

"Has everything got to be about you? I wouldn't marry you on pain of death—I know your living habits. I mean, Lee proposed and we're getting married."

"Kind of soon, don't you think?" She patted her stomach and his eyes went wide, "Oh, you dirty girl, you! I had no idea that fuzzy-eyebrows was such a lusty fellow." He said gleefully. He hugged her once more before turning towards the gate.

"You better come back, or else I'll find you and knock your lights out!" She called out as the gates swung open just enough for him to slip out.

Sasuke had no idea what time it was since there were no windows in his room and no clocks. He rolled over onto his side, directly onto the hard crystal orb. He grunted as he pried it out from under his ribs and dropped it on to the pillow beside his head. Strangely, his fingers craved the touch of the smooth, crystal surface. He reached out and touched it again, running his palm over it. He fed it a bit more chakra and watched as the familiar glow suffused its depths, casting the pitch black room into eerie shadows.

Just as he had done a thousand times before, Sasuke found himself locked in a past where he was a pissed off, scared and confused little boy who didn't know any better. He smiled down at his sleeping younger self, wishing that he could whisper in his ear all the advice that he had gained from his ordeals with both his estranged, murderous brother and Orochimaru. He wished that he could tell himself that the blond he thought was so unworthy of his friendship, was going to be the most important and precious person he'd ever know.

Beside him, Naruto was snoring away. Sakura was on the other side of the campfire, tucked daintily into her sleeping bag. Kakashi sat hunched in a tree with his nose stuck in his dirty book. He recalled this night, it had been the last night they had camped out before getting back into Konoha from their mission into Mist country. Just a few days earlier, they had witnessed the tragic end of Haku and Zabuza.

"You know, I'm not quite sure who you are but if my guess is correct, you are an older Sasuke." Kakashi's voice made him jump. He whirled around to see that Kakashi had his book balanced on his thigh and had pulled up his hitai-ate to bare the sharingan.

"You can see me?"

"Barely." Kakashi squinted, "Ah yes, you are an older Uchiha."

"Can you tell my younger self that it's not worth killing Itachi? Can you tell him that there's nothing worth dying for?" He asked, his heart lodged painfully in his throat.

Kakashi dropped down from the tree and stepped around the campfire, into the shadows were the older Sasuke stood. "What happens, Sasuke?"

He shook his head, unable to put to words all the misdeeds—all the crimes that he had committed against those he had loved. "Just promise me that, Kakashi."

"I will but tell me what happens."

He opened his mouth and found the world was starting to dim. He cursed the crystal ball's fickleness. Then as an afterthought he yelled, "Tell him to tell Naruto his true feelings." The world collapsed then and he found himself back in his huge, four poster bed. He pressed the heels of his hands into his throbbing temples to ease the pain as he thought about his unexpected discussion with Kakashi. He wondered if Kakashi had told him, and if so, had he listened. He looked around and realized that nothing had changed so either he had failed to relay the message or his former self hadn't listened. He was willing to bet the latter. He had always been terrible at following instructions.

"Get me out of here, Naruto." Sasuke murmured into his pillow before slipping into a deep sleep that was filled with dreams of Naruto's body beneath his, his finger tips running over his satin-like flesh.

TBC