Just Hold Me

Peter thinks he can't love Edmund the way he wants him to. Even if he wants it himself. Mild slash & incest.

No flames. If you don't like it, then don't read it. I so warned you. And ofcourse I don't own Peter & Edmund, nor do I own the song.

Takes place in the professor's house after the Pevensies have gotten back.

I need your reassurance

Edmund swallowed as he heard the footsteps of his older brother coming into the room. He didn't look at Peter, for he knew he wouldn't be able hold back the bitter tears that threatened to roll down his cheeks.

Comfortable as you are

You count the days

Peter looked at Edmund. He was looking out of the window and showed not a single sign that he was even aware of the fact that Peter was in the same room as he was. Edmund had avoided him all week. Why? Hell, if he knew that... He sat down in an armchair by the fire and shot quick glances at his brother. Images of a happy Edmund popped up in front of his eyes and he sighed deeply. He liked Edmund's laugh way better than his tears.

"What's the matter with you?" Peter asked sadly, "Why won't you talk to me, Ed?"

But if I wanted silence, I would whisper

And if I wanted loneliness, I'd choose to go

Edmund didn't know what to say, though he knew he had to say something. If he didn't, Peter would leave. And however much he wanted to be alone, he enjoyed Peter's presence. Way more than he was supposed to. Edmund hugged his knees closer and squeezed his eyes shut in desperate attempts to push that thought away.

And if I'd like rejection, I'd audition

Edmund still didn't say anything, but Peter wouldn't have it. He had put up with it all week, but not tonight. Not again. He stood up and took a few paces towards Edmund.

"You must talk to me!" he exclaimed, "You can't do this to me. You're treating me like I've put you up in hell or something!"

"How do you know you didn't?" Edmund muttered. Peter's shoulders dropped as he stared at his younger brother.

"What?"

"Nevermind," Edmund stood up.

"Nevermind? You just told me I put you up in hell!" Peter exclaimed at Edmund's back, "You can't expect me to shrug and leave it!"

Edmund shrugged.

"Nevermind. Why would you care?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Edmund refused to turn around and walked towards the door, "Leave it."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Peter repeated.

And if I didn't love you, you would know

Edmund stopped but still didn't turn around. He didn't dare open his eyes for he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from crying. He felt Peter's furious glare on his back.

"It means that there's no point for you to care about me," he said.

"But I do care," there was a sudden change in the older boy's voice, and Edmund heard Peter's footsteps closing in on him. A warm hand landed on his shoulder, "You're my brother, how can I not care?"

"Then why do you always yell at me?" Edmund said, "Why do you always blame me, and make me apologize, even when I did nothing wrong? Why is it that you're always so concentrated on the things I do wrong, but can't give me the ... attention I need? Let alone affection."

"Affection?" Peter said softly.

"So nevermind, Peter," Edmund said again, "Leave it."

"No, Ed," Peter replied, "I'm not going to leave it. What exactly is it that you want? Just ask for it!"

"I can't ask anything of you," Edmund tried to keep his voice down, "You don't love me!" he was almost yelling now, "Not even as a brother!"

"Not even?" Peter whispered startled.

And why can't you just hold me?

Edmund finally turned around and Peter saw the hurt look in his eyes.

"Not even," Edmund repeated softly with a emphasizing nod.

And how come it is so hard?

Peter looked startled, and Edmund knew it would be exactly as he expected it to be.

"You can't seriously mean what I think you mean," Peter said, pulling his hand back from Edmund's shoulder. That simple movement broke Edmund's heart.

And do you like to see me broken?

"I do," Edmund said, one furious tear rolling down his pale cheek, "I'm so sick of this."

Peter looked at his little brother and tried to resist the urge to laugh. He stared a while at the younger boy and then slapped him across the face.

And why do I still care?

Edmund didn't even touch the spot where Peter hit him, but just stared left of him.

"See," he said, "Why would you even care."

Then, with an empty calmness inside him, he walked away from Peter.

Still care

Peter dropped down in the armchair again, and didn't watch him go. He looked at the hand he just hit his brother with, and covered his mouth with the other.

"I do care," he whispered.

You say you see the light now

At the end of this narrow hole

That night Edmund slept deeper than he had ever slept. Maybe it was so tiring to be in love with his brother, or maybe he just wished for the love of Aslan that he would never wake up again. Maybe it was a combination of those two. The point is that he could've slept through bombings, but when a weight sunk down next to him, his eyes were wide open.

And I wish it didn't matter

"I'm sorry, Ed," Peter whispered, under the impression that Edmund was asleep. He covered his face with his hands while he sat on his brother's bed, "But I don't think I can love you that way."

Silent tears rushed down Peter's cheeks.

I wish I didn't give you all

Edmund was unsure what to do. He felt no recognizable emotions, only an overwhelming need for love. Funny, he thought, how the need for something gets worse when you can't have it.

But if I wanted silence, I would whisper

And if I wanted loneliness, I'd choose to go

And if I'd like rejection, I'd audition

Peter rested his head in his hands, still not aware of the fact that Edmund was awake.

"I wish you had just talked to me," he spoke, "I didn't mean to - to hit you. I was just so - scared. Why can't you just talk to me? Why do you always have to be so goddamn silent?" He rubbed his eyes in an attempt to stop crying, but it didn't work.

"You think I push you away from me, but you're pushing yourself away. It's hard, Edmund. Everything is hard. Society is hard, the world is hard, life is goddamn hard, Edmund. Why can't you understand that it's impossible for me to love you the way you want me to?"

He looked beside him and jumped up with a startled yell when he saw a pair of big brown eyes watching him.

And if I didn't love you, you would know

"Even if you want it yourself?"

Edmund gazed into Peter's watery eyes. The emotions that had sounded through in his brother's speech weren't lost on Edmund. Peter stared at him with wide open eyes, gasping for breath.

"I - I didn't realize you were awake," he stammered. Edmund just stared at him with a 'Well?'-expression on his face.

"Even then?"

"I think it's time I go back to bed," Peter said and he walked away. Edmund was stunned.

And why can't you just hold me?

When he closed the door, Peter leaned against the wall for support. But his legs, weak from the shock of Edmund's question, could not hold him any longer. He slid down and hid his face in his knees. Inside the room he could hear Edmund's hurt screams. It was a good thing that Susan and Lucy's rooms were a good deal away from here, although Peter couldn't really care less.

And how come it is so hard?

Inside the room, Edmund had finally completely shattered.

"What is wrong with me?" he shouted, his head turned up as he screamed at an invisible Peter, "Why do you always do this to me? You don't give a damn about me, do you? Do you like to see me shattered, that you keep breaking me over and over again?"

And do you like to see me broken?

In the hall Peter could hear no more. He stood up, but he didn't find himself capable of walking away.

"Do you love me? Huh? Do you?" he heard Edmund shout, and in no time he had stormed back in.

"I do!" he shouted back.

"Then why do you keep lying?" Edmund shouted, still adressing the invisible Peter by the ceiling.

"Because it's wrong! It's wrong! It's not normal! We're brothers!" Peter yelled. Edmund squeezed his eyes shut and rested his chin on his chest, "Why can't you see that our lives will be miserable?"

And why do I still care?

Edmund looked aside to his brother. The words barely hit him, now that his whole being was already broken by this guy. Peter's words sounded hollow, desperate and dishonest.

"And you care?" he asked. It was silent for a while in which the two boys only stared at eachother.

"You aren't so magnificent after all, now are you?" Edmund looked away from Peter and made himself ready to go to sleep again, "If you'll leave now, I'm tired."

Poor little misunderstood baby

Peter couldn't get himself to leave. Instead he started crying again. Warm tears fell down his face. Edmund sat up and looked at him with an annoyed look on his face.

"What are you sobbing about?" he asked rudely, "You have no right to sob."

"You hurt me," Peter said. Edmund's jaw dropped.

"I - I .. I hurt you?" his voice trembled with anger, and if Peter wasn't so messed up, he would've been scared, "You've broken me three times tonight, goddamnit. I'm ready to kill myself. Don't talk to me about hurt."

No one likes a sad face

But Peter looked so vulnerable, and although Edmund was really furious, he just couldn't help himself. His gaze dropped to the ground and he sighed. Then he spread out his arms. Peter didn't need to think twice, and two seconds later the two boys embraced eachother.

"God, I'm weak," Edmund muttered, a small smile shining through his tears because he finally had what he wanted.

"I care, Ed," he heard Peter say softly as he closed his eyes and buried his face in Peter's neck, "I do care about what others think. But maybe, just maybe ... it won't be so bad if we're together."

Edmund kissed Peter's warm neck up to his ear.

"I can make that a promise," he whispered, and he caressed the golden locks of the older boy.

Fifteen minutes later Edmund was peacefully sleeping in Peter's arms. Peter took in the fruity scent of his younger brother and smiled. He caressed Edmund's face and pressed a soft kiss in his neck.

"Maybe," he whispered in the ear of the sleeping Edmund, "Just maybe, this is what I've always dreamed of."

And now I can't remember life without him

Just Hold Me by Maria Mena