Howling at the Eternal Moon

Chapter 1: Licking Unreachable Wounds

You wondered how you'd make it through. I wondered what was wrong with you. Because how could you give your love to someone else, yet share your dreams with me? Sometimes the only thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see.

-Vanessa Williams

Rose sat, slumped against the wall of her bedroom inside the Tardis. She stared unseeingly at the ground, hating the man she so loved and hating herself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Always so stupid. Her eyes burned and she could barely breathe past the lump in her throat. Hearing a girlish, high-pitched giggle that annoyed her to no end just outside her bedroom door, Rose clapped her hands over her ears. She didn't regret the pain in the hollows of her ears. Not one bit.

Muffled voices. More laughter. Crackling silence.

Her hands fell uselessly to her sides, her hands hitting the ground with two sharp cracks. But she barely registered it. Couldn't feel the pain past the void that had replaced her heart.

She laughed. The sound devoid of emotion yet filled with bitterness, anger, and hurt. And I'd thought I'd died when he left me without a second thought. Now this, this is really… fantastic. This time, she laughed hysterically. Nothing could have prepared her for the manner of his return. All her joy and relief at seeing him alive and back had promptly been sucked out of her when she saw the prize he proudly exhibited. Madame de Pompadour. The reason for his departure; the reason for his return. And of course, just like when he had dashed off to play Prince Charming, he had spared her not a second glance.

He doesn't need you any more. He loves her as he'll never love you. Almost a year and a half and he's already gotten tired of you. Moving on to a newer, prettier, smarter, more talented, and overall better model.

Rose clenched her ands in her hair and bit back a scream. Stop it! Shut up! He's not like that! She begged her tormented thoughts. Even Mickey likes her.

Rose whimpered and choked on a sob. She jumped up and ransacked the bathroom. Clutching her newly found prize, she stripped down to t-shirt and pants and downed two of the extra-strength sleeping pills before crawling into bed. The Tardis hummed in concern and Rose reached up, stroking the wall above her gently. I'll be okay, old girl. It's nothing lethal… I just need… to forget. Feeling a sudden wave of drowsiness, Rose closed her eyes. Don't let anyone in. Especially not him. No matter what. She rolled over, hoping that with luck, she'd be able to sleep the next seventy or so years away and wake up in heaven or its equal. That was her last coherent thought as a calming golden light probed at the corners of her eyes…

"Doctor! Doctor! Where are you?"

Damn, he thought, pulling away from Reinette with an irritated glare over his shoulder. Rickey the Idiot strikes again. He glanced at Reinette with a grin. Her hair was mussed and her lips slightly swollen. She wore a perfect, secretive smile. She gave him another kiss and pranced off for her ―their― bedroom.

"DOCTOR!" Mickey all but shrieked, his voice cracking. He didn't seem to care because he continued shouting. "Damn it, Doctor! Where the bloody hell are you!"

"Here!" the Doctor shouted back tiredly with a wince. As much fun as it would have been if Mickey lost his voice, the last thing he needed was a Mickey-induced deafness. "Here!"

Mickey appeared from one of the many corridors that branched off from the one he was standing in now, looking flushed and worried. Bloody telly probably broke or something, the Doctor thought with amusement, momentarily forgetting that things like that didn't just break down inside the Tardis. Good, the old girl's not helping him. The Doctor fought off a smirk.

"What's wrong?" he asked evenly.

Mickey stared at him with a mixture of disgust, disbelief, and anger. "Been too busy snogging the new mistress to notice, huh?" he spat.

The Doctor glared back at him, anger rearing its ugly head. Before he could retort back at him, Mickey cut him off. "I never could see what she saw in you… and now, you've proved me right! Rose has been missing for seven hours!" Mickey yelled. "Seven bloody hours! And where were you?"

The Doctor froze. Seven hours? He felt a chill run though his body and suddenly, a rough Northern accent filled his mind. And you thought everything would just be the same. Have the French woman for every waking moment and Rose off to the side to look after both of you. You left her, you sick bastard! No explanations or reassurances. Leaving her stranded on a god forsaken spaceship with only Rickey for company. And you never even apologized! Never saw the hurt in her eyes when you brought this Reinette back, did you? She trusted you. And suddenly, nine faces were shaking their heads at him, and none of them wanted to look him in the eye except for Nine. Those sharp blue eyes piercing straight through him. I was right all along. I never deserved her. He glowered mercilessly and suddenly the Doctor knew what his enemies felt.

He shook his head firmly. The encounter with his past selves took no longer than a nanosecond and he looked up at Mickey. "Come on," he said softly. What have I done?