Dear Mr. Saki,

Congratulations! Due to your estimated net worth, you qualify to join our highly exclusive dating service!

We realize that as a busy professional your time is far too valuable to waste on the frustrating and time-consuming process of dating. At Elite Dating, we have a rigorous screening process that ensures you only date women a successful man like you deserves. Meet 10 of them in one hour!

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Sincerely,

Janice Greensburg

Elite Dating, Inc.

Oroku Saki sipped his drink and looked around the room at all the beautiful and wealthy people; he scoffed at them and their superficial, self-indulgent lifestyle. Once he conquered the Earth, every human on the planet would have the same lifestyle: slave. Therefore, this evening was nothing more than an exercise in futility.

For everyone except him.

In his 1,000 years on Earth, Saki had learned that humans worshiped two things: looks and money. As long as he kept the appearance of a wealthy, handsome man, they would treat him like a god who could do no wrong. That image was fortified when he offered to rebuild the city after the Triceraton invasion; dubbed "Manhattan's Savior," he was the toast of the New York. His face was all over every newspaper, magazine and TV in the country. His generosity soon attracted the attention of international media outlets, making him a household name all over the world. There was even talk of nominating him for a Nobel Prize.

However, there was a downside to all of the attention. A few weeks earlier the accursed People Magazine had named him "Sexiest Man of the Year." Suddenly the entire city was now fixated on who he was or wasn't dating. Given that he was actually an alien in disguise trying to conquer the world, Saki had always fiercely guarded his personal life. Unfortunately, what the press couldn't find out about Saki's life, they would make up; in one week alone Saki had been linked to three starlets and the wife of a famous rock star. All the gossip threatened to tarnish his image, and in turn compromise his operations. It was then he knew that in order to regain control of what was being said about him, he would have to find a girlfriend. It wouldn't be for the first time; over the years Saki had taken human mates when necessary. Sometimes it was for money, sometimes for power, sometimes to gain alliances...in this case, it was to get a city full of nosy morons off his back.

"Attention everyone!" Cried a middle-aged woman in a powder blue business suit. "We are ready to begin. Please find your assigned seats." She waited until everyone sat down before speaking again. "Now remember, you will have six minutes to talk to each of your dates. When you hear the air horn, gentlemen, move to the next table. Ready? Begin!"

Oroku Saki found himself sitting across from a young, attractive blonde whose nametag read JENNIFER. "So...Jennifer...what do you do?" Saki asked.

Jennifer flashed him a big smile. "I'm a model. I've been in Vogue, Vic-"

Saki held up a hand. "Stop right there. I'm afraid you're not what I'm looking for."

Jennifer stared at him as though he'd just slapped her across the face. "Wh-what? Um...that is, w-why?" She sputtered.

"You are a model, that's why. You get by entirely on your looks, so it is unlikely you have ever spent time developing any other qualities like intelligence or a personality. Plus I have no desire to buy you expensive meals in nice restaurants only to have you excuse yourself to the bathroom in order to stick your finger down your throat and expunge it all."

"Oh..." Jennifer blinked. "But...but we still have five and a half minutes..."

"Fortunately, I have come prepared," Saki said, reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out The New York Times crossword puzzle. "I brought this to pass the time when a date fails to meet my expectations. You can pass the time however you like, which I'm guessing will involve another Cosmopolitan."

Sure enough, Jennifer quickly gulped down the rest of her drink and ordered another.

The air horn sounded and Saki moved to the next table where another young woman sat, this time a brunette named GABRIELLE. "Okay, let's cut to the chase," Gabrielle said. "You want a trophy girlfriend, and I want a boyfriend who will buy me lots of expensive things. So here's the deal. You will buy me a gift at least once a week, such as clothes or jewelry. Every three months you will buy me an "anniversary" gift like a car or a two-week vacation. In return I will dress and act sexy at all times, put out on demand, and go to all your boring business events without complaint, where I will look fantastic and say all the right things."

Saki leaned forward, his interest piqued. "Your terms are acceptable, but I must ask...do you have any 'habits' I should know about?"

"I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, and I'm strictly a social drinker." Gabrielle said.

"I see…" Saki mused. So far, so good. If she answered the next question correctly, she would seal the deal. "What do you do in your spare time? Are you involved in any charities?"

Gabrielle's eyes lit up. "As a matter of fact, I was recently elected chairwoman of P.E.T.A."

"Really?" Saki was surprised. "You run People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals?"

"What, those losers?" Gabrielle snorted. "I run People for the Elimination of Tacky Accessories! We've had phenomenal success. Remember last spring, when snakeskin handbags were making a comeback? We squashed that pretty quick! I mean seriously… snakes, the most repulsive creatures on Earth, a fashion icon? Give me a break!"

"That will be all," Saki said, reaching for his crossword puzzle.

And so, for the next forty-eight minutes, Saki ran the gauntlet...

The next date was desperate for children. Crossword puzzle.

The date after that was a smoker. Crossword puzzle.

The date after that had a MySpace page. Crossword puzzle.

The date after that was a redhead. Crossword puzzle.

The date after that was from Canada. Crossword puzzle.

The date after that was a vegetarian. Crossword puzzle.

The date after that thought Japan was German for frying pan. Crossword Puzzle.

Saki was beginning to think the whole girlfriend idea was a big mistake. There hadn't been a single woman he could tolerate for a full six minutes, let alone the next few months; he was about to get up and walk out when his last date sat down at the table. She was blonde, with clear blue eyes, a perfectly symmetrical face and strong chin. Her violet dress was perfectly tailored to accent every firm curve of her body, and the diamonds that dangled from her ears and wrists were large enough to impress without being tacky. Saki was thunderstruck by her flawless appearance. She was exactly what he was looking for…on the surface. He mentally crossed his fingers that she wouldn't blow it the minute she opened her mouth.

"Hi, I'm Lindsey Kirin," she said as she extended her hand.

Saki took her hand and lightly shook it. "Your name is Kirin?" He asked. "As in…"

"Kirin Enterprises, the largest importer of fine art from around the world," Lindsey smiled. "As a matter of fact, I spent the last year studying art in Florence and Rome. It was great, but I missed New York. There's no place like home, right? I got back a couple of days ago and figured I'd get back into the swing of things."

Saki nodded. Beautiful, educated, well spoken...his hopes began to rise.

"Of course, I don't need to ask your name," Lindsey continued. "Who doesn't know Oroku Saki? I mean, you've done more for this city than the last ten mayors combined! It doesn't surprise me, though…most politicians are useless anyway. If you hadn't come along after the alien invasion and said, 'here's my money, get busy' the mayor and his pals would still be having meeting after meeting trying to figure out how to rebuild, and New York would still be a mess! I have a lot of respect for a man who gets things done."

Saki smiled and tucked his crossword puzzle back into his jacket. Lindsey had made it through the crucial first minute of the date; now if she could only go the remaining five minutes without saying or doing something stupid…

Five minutes later, Saki had found his new girlfriend.

--

Saki knew exactly when and where he and Lindsey would make their official debut as a couple: The grand re-opening of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. The alien invasion had left several large holes in the museum, but thanks to Saki's generous donation it had been restored to its former glory and then some; the party was being held in the new Oroku Saki wing, where many high profile guests mingled among rare artifacts from the Asia Pacific while enjoying a lavish buffet, an open bar and an eight-piece orchestra.

Lindsey was wearing a little black dress, with makeup that accented her best features, honey-colored hair swept into a knot in the back of her head with a few stray pieces hanging down either side of her face, framing it like a work of art, and beautiful diamond jewelry dripping from her slender ears, neck, and wrists. Not only did so look stunning, she also knew her place; all night long she stood quietly by Saki's side as he chatted up some of the most powerful businessmen and politicians in New York, occasionally laughing or nodding approval when appropriate.

Saki couldn't be more pleased with himself for choosing Lindsey; he had forgotten how beneficial it could be to have to right kind of female on his arm. When they had first entered the museum they had turned several heads, more than one of which had gasped in awe. The looks on the faces of his wealthy and powerful peers, as well as those of their wives and girlfriends, confirmed how impressed and envious they were. Not only was Saki's public image safe, it had gotten yet another big boost. The only thing that kept it from being a perfect evening was the obnoxious drunk on the other end of the room, whose shrill voice echoed off the walls. However, Saki simply shrugged it off; there was one at every party. He focused instead on his conversation with Vincent Baritone, head of the largest sanitation and waste removal companies in the tri-state area.

"…as you can see, Vincent, your company's profits would nearly double should we work together as partners instead of competitors." Saki finished.

Vincent, or Vinnie to his friends, smiled and shook his head. "Wow, you got a great pitch, O-Man. Mind if I call you O-Man? Your name is too damn hard to pronounce, not that I mean any disrespect or nothing."

"I understand," Saki said. "You no doubt refer to Kei Igawa, pitcher for the New York Yankees." A loud shriek of laughter from the other end of the room prompted many people to turn their heads in that direction, but Saki kept on talking. "He and I may play on different fields, but our ambitions are the same."

Vincent turned his attention back to Saki. "Uh…well actually, I was thinking of A-Rod, but I get what you're saying. We should be on the same team, just like A-Rod and that Japanese guy."

Saki smiled again. "Precisely. I'll have my assistant call your assistant and set up an appointment. I look forward to working with you, Vincent."

"Same here, O-Man," Vinne replied. "And can all that 'Vincent" crap. My friends call me Vinnie. We are friends, right?"

An earsplitting CRASH ripped through the air like a bullet, causing everyone to look in that direction, including Saki. To his horror, he saw Samurai armor that once belonged to the great Oda Nobunaga lying in a heap on the floor, along with a young woman in a little black dress and disheveled blonde hair…

Saki heart leaped into his throat. It couldn't be. He quickly looked to his left and right, but his perfect new girlfriend wasn't on either side of him. She several yards away, loudly protesting a waiter's attempts to help her up.

"Leggo I'm fine," Lindsey slurred. "Don't touch me you poor piece of crap!" She wretched her arm free from the waiter's grasp and fell to the ground again. "You think you can tuch this body? No poor pershon can tuch this body!" Then she noticed a livid Saki standing over her and gave him a lopsided smile. "Hey baby wereyoubin?"

Saki grabbed Lindsey by the arm and yanked her to her feet. "What do you think you're doing?" He hissed. "You are making a fool of me!"

"Yeah itz always aboutchoo, isn't it?" Lindsey said, swaying slightly. "Where's my drink?" She looked around and saw a shattered martini glass and its contents lying on the floor. "I need tuget nother drink."

Saki tightened his grip on her arm. "You will do no such thing!" He growled.

"Don't tell me what toodoo! Nobody tells me whattodoo! Leggo!" Lindsey said as she tried to pull away.

The entire room was now staring at them and it made Saki even angrier. It took every ounce of self-control not to slap her across the face. "My driver will take you home. Come with me and keep your mouth shut."

"I SHAID DON'T TELL ME WHAT TOODO! LEGGO! YOU'RE HURTING ME! HELP! HE'S HURTING ME! OW! OW!" Lindsey screamed at the top of her lungs. Startled, Saki released her and she stumbled away.

Saki was stunned. He was a powerful warlord, feared across endless galaxies, yet he was being humiliated by a drunken bimbo. How could this have happened? Lindsey had been at his side all night…or so he'd assumed. It suddenly occurred to him that he'd been so preoccupied with networking that he hadn't really paid any attention to her in hours, which was now proving to be a costly mistake. However, he had no time to dwell on this revelation; Lindsey was at the open bar and becoming quite belligerent.

"Whaddaya mean I've had enough? Who the fuk aryoo to tell me I've had enough? Do you know who I am? Do you? I could buy and shell your azzz…"

Saki hurried to her side. "I'll take care of this, you may go," he told the bartender, waving him away.

"You're juss like my father," Lindsey snorted after the bartender left. "Always shhending people away. He shhend me away to Euroope but I'm back!"

"That is enough," Saki said through gritted teeth. "You need to go home."

"My dadsh always keeping me down," Lindsey continued. "I alwashe wanted to be a singer, but he didn't buy me a record deal! He washlike, you gotta earnit! What the fuuk? Im rich! I don't have to earn shitte!"

Saki clenched his fists and slowly counted to ten. He could not beat her in front of 500 people; it would have to wait until they got to the car. He had to find some way to get her to leave without making another scene.

"Lindsey, why don't we go somewhere else?" Saki said, choosing his words carefully. "Maybe we could go to a karaoke bar and you can show everyone what a wonderful singer you are."

"Whattfur? There's a stage right herr!" Lindsey slurred. She stumbled over to the orchestra and grabbed a microphone. "You guys know any Avril Lavigne?" She asked the startled musicians. Not waiting for a response, she turned back to the crowd.

"SHILL OUT WHATCHYA YELLINFOR? LAY BACK IT'S ALL BEEN DONE BFORE AND IF YOU COULD ONLY LETITBE YOU WILL SHEE…"

Lindsey lurched back and forth in front of the crowd. Her "singing" was little more than off-key shrieking, but she compensated for her lack of talent by humping the speakers, the mike stand, and the cellist. There was nothing Saki could do but stare in horror; the girl was a complete train wreck, and he was her hapless passenger.

"OOOOOHHOOOOO WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SHOOO COMPLICATED? I SEE YOU ACTING LIKE SOMEONE ELSE GETSH ME SHOO FRUSTURATED LIFE'S LIKE THIS AND AND YOU FALL AND YOU FALL AND YOU FALL…"

Suddenly Lindsey lost her balance, fell into the buffet and slid to the floor in a heap; on her way down she grabbed the tablecloth, taking several plates of food and a large crystal punchbowl with her. As she struggled to pull herself to her feet her dress rode up onto her thighs, causing everyone in the room to gasp, this time in shock.

Apparently, the young heiress did not believe in wearing underwear.

--

"Sir? Are you okay?"

The sound of his personal assistant's voice roused Saki from his trance-like state. He had so dreaded what was waiting for him inside his office that he'd been standing in front of the door for nearly five minutes, lost in his own thoughts.

"Oh, I'm fine, Elaine," he said, gathering his wits about him. "Have there been any calls this morning?"

"No, sir."

"Good. Hold all of my calls. I do not wish to be disturbed today under any circumstances." Taking a deep breath, Saki opened the door and stepped inside.

As it had every morning for the past few weeks, the new edition of every major newspaper and tabloid in the city sat waiting for him in a pile on his desk; Saki had taken to skimming them to keep track of his public image. Unfortunately, today he knew exactly what he was going find. Saki sighed; if only he had started paying this much attention to the headlines a year ago, he would have discovered that Lindsey Kirin was an out-of-control party girl whose parents packed her off to Europe after an unfortunate incident in the Hamptons where she drove her Porshe into an ice cream parlor, injuring eight.

Saki couldn't remember the last time a night had gone so horribly wrong. After throwing up in a priceless Ming vase, Lindsey finally passed out and was taken home. Saki had stayed behind and attempted to do some damage control. He apologized profusely to all the guests and assured them he would pay for all the damages, and that the vase and armor would be restored and put back on display immediately. However, nothing he said could wipe the incredulous looks from their faces; he could still feel the stares and hear the whispers long after the party ended.

Saki looked at the first newspaper; sure enough, Lindsey's disheveled face started back at him in all her drunken glory. Above her head the headline screamed SHE'S BACK! PARTY GIRL TRASHES MUSEUM BASH. A surge of anger shot through Oroku Saki; thanks to that little tramp, the near-flawless image he'd spent years crafting had been utterly destroyed in a single night. The worst of it was he could not punish Lindsey like he could punish Hun or Stockman. Perhaps Karai could think of something; lately she seemed to harbor an intense dislike for spoiled socialites.

Saki braced himself and read the article; much to his surprise, there was no mention of him anywhere. Saki quickly looked through the other papers; they all ran at least one article about Lindsey, and in some cases two or three, but none contained more that a brief mention of him.

By the time he finished the last newspaper Saki's anger had evaporated. He picked up the phone and dialed Lindsey's cell phone number. She answered after ten rings. "Hello?" She croaked, sounding very much like someone in the throes of a vicious hangover.

"Lindsey my dear, it's Oroku," Saki said. "How are you?"

"Huh?" She mumbled. "What time izzit?"

"Time for you to live your dream," Saki said.

--

One month later, the new talk of the town was Lindsey Kirin, whom the press had dubbed "New York's Wild Child." They eagerly followed her escapades as she went from nightclub to nightclub across the country promoting her new album.

Saki had pulled several strings to get her a record deal, and it had achieved the desired result. Nothing encouraged self-destructive behavior like the music industry; Lindsey's booze-fueled antics made headlines nearly every day, while Saki's name had all but disappeared from the papers.

Best of all, Lindsey had broken it off with Saki, saying she had no time to spend on a relationship. Saki said he understood and wished her all the best.

Saki smiled as he put down the last newspaper. Now that the media was fixated on someone else, he could concentrate all of his efforts on Project Exodus. It was a costly and elaborate plan 1,000 years in the making, and even the slightest wrinkle could make everything go horribly wrong. However, he was confident he could pull it off; compared to the New York dating scene, blasting into space, building an army and conquering Earth would be a snap.

THE END