Disclaimer: My quest to own Harry Potter is still ongoing.
Author's Note: Even though I love slash and m/m-ness, I couldn't help but write this Harry Potter slash parody. It's rated M for minor language, sexual situations and strong stupidity.
The implication that this is in the Harry/Draco pairing is slightly misleading. But only slightly. (Hint hint for last segment of this fic.) This is definitely not my best work, but if I think of more ridiculous ideas, I might add an extra chapter.
Sexy Hogwarts... a Parody
Once upon a time, in the wee hours of the morning, Draco Malfoy was walking down a deserted hallway in Hogwarts. Not a student or professor in sight. Yep, it sure was deserted. So Draco was walking down the deserted hallway, not going anywhere in particular.
Suddenly, he decided that it would be a good idea to go into closet and close the door. And even worse, he didn't have his wand with him! Draco tried to turn the knob, but it wouldn't budge.
"Oh no!" Draco cried out to no one in particular. "I'm stuck in a closet! This would be a highly sexual situation if I were not all by myself... oh, the horror!"
So Ron Weasley was walking down a deserted hallway in Hogwarts. There is only one deserted hallway in Hogwarts, so it must be the same one Draco Malfoy was walking down too! Coincidence? Or just the contrived plot of the authoress? Ooh, you'll just have to read on to find out!
Anyway, that was when he noticed a door. Wow, how interesting. I wonder what's behind that door? Ron wondered to himself. Despite common logic, he went in.
"Oh crap, don't let the door close—" but it was too late. "Damn it!" Draco cussed. "I'm stuck in a closet with freaking Weasel!"
"How sexually stimulating," Ron foreshadowed.
It was a regular day at Hogwarts, and everyone (well, almost everyone, wink wink) was seated at their house tables, enjoying their breakfast.
Hermione looked to her left and her right. Everywhere she turned males students were staring googly-eyed at each other.
Seamus Finnagan and Dean Thomas were holding hands. Neville Longbottom and Ernie MacMillian were shooting suggestive glances at each other, completely enraptured. Crabbe and Goyle had thrown caution to the wind and were snogging passionately in full view of the school. And Fred and George Weasley... somehow the school had come to terms with the fact that they were shagging each other on a regular occasion. Because, you know, twincest is cool too.
Hermione shuddered slightly.
The only male that wasn't in participation was one Harry Potter, who was starring blankly at his food. Some might even consider Harry asexual.
But let's not jump to conclusions, shall we? Especially since he's an amazing sex pot who needs it and needs it bad.
Hermione could not believe this. I mean, after all, girls need sex too. How bizarre that every sexually attractive male had been claimed by one of their own kind. It was very discouraging.
"It's not normal, is it Harry?" she said. "Almost every guy here is gay and involved in a relationship."
Harry shrugged indifferently.
"That's not fair," she continued. "What about us girls? Who are we supposed to date? If all the guys are taken, what does that leave us to do? Are we just invalids or what?"
Unbeknownst to her, Ginny was starring straight at her, her eyes filling up with lust.
Harry was growing bored of this conversation because Hermione is a girl and therefore boring in a slash story. He rose out of his seat and slumped towards the exit of the Great Hall. What he didn't know was that everyone was watching him... with their hormones raging.
As the author mentioned, Harry Potter is a complete sex pot. What, with his glasses, small figure, pale skin and deviant mark on his head.
Right there, Colin Creevy stood up and began giving Harry a hand job. "Howja like that Harry?"
"Erm, fine Colin," Harry pushed Colin away and continued on his way. He could have felt five or six hands grab his butt, with more failing at their attempts.
Just as Harry made it to the exit, someone shouted: "Get 'em!"
Suddenly, half the student body was up and running toward him, squealing like fan boys (and I guess fan girls) do. Harry cursed out a string of bad words (all too mature to publish) and raced down the hall, with his clan of obsessive admirers in hot pursuit.
As he ran, he passed by an ordinary looking door, probably a closet and very comfortable looking. Harry contemplated sliding in, but then he remembered the people chasing him and passed on.
In the closet (ooh, double meaning, author so smart) Ron and Draco were both trying to get out of the closet. Of course they were frantic: the longer they were in there, the sexier it got. After all, they had spent most of the time spewing nasty but provocative insults at one another, leaving the other hungry for more. Heh.
"You're a loser," Ron proclaimed.
"Oh yeah? Well... you suck!" Draco countered with. Both boys knew what that statement insinuated.
Suddenly, Draco realized something that was vital to the development of the plot:
He was very horny.
So he decided to grab whoever or whatever was within the vicinity (ooh, how convenient that it was Ron Weasley!) and began snogging him/her/it.
Wow, this is hot, Draco mused as he stuck his tongue in Ron's mouth.
Suddenly, Ron realized something that was also vital to the development of the plot:
He was very horny as well!
Two horny guys stuck in a closet making out. Do we need an actual plot? Oh wait a minute, that is the actual plot. Cool. I mean, hot.
After they were done snogging and had realized their desire (finally), Draco yanked down his pants and... began performing acts that warrant an NC-17 label but somehow manage to slip through into the M rating instead. Oops.
"Professor Dumbledore!" Harry gasped, barely able to catch his breath. He had finally evaded his fanboys/girls and found refuge in his Headmaster's office.
Professor Dumbledore looked up from his important work at his important desk and gave Harry an important glance. "Why Harry, you look awful. Is everything all right?"
"Students... chocolate frog… chasing... lemon drops..." Harry said between long intakes of air.
"I see..." Dumbledore nodded his understanding. He put down his Sudoku and stood up importantly. "Every student at Hogwarts wants to fuck you senseless."
Harry's eyes widened ever so slightly at Professor Dumbledore's use of profanity, but he thought nothing much of it. "Yes Professor, they think I'm insatiably sexy."
"Some might even say that you've cast a spell on them."
"Some might, Professor."
"They all want to rub your magic wand."
"Erm... Professor?"
"Maybe even perform the perfectus totalus spell so they can touch every crevice of your perfectly toned body?"
Harry visibly paled.
"Of course Harry, and that's just the students..." Dumbledore's eyes had an expressionless glaze over them. He began to charge towards Harry. The drool at the corner of his mouth was visibly evident.
Harry screamed and fled the room, then again when he saw the mob of people coming his way. He threw his arms up in the air and ran.
Ron and Draco finally emerged out of the closet at the same time, clothing untucked, shirts unbuttoned, hair sticking in all directions and discolorations on their necks and shoulders that looked very much like hickeys. Both seemed completely unfazed by the fact that they had just had hot forbidden sex with their arch enemy. Maybe that's what made it hotter...?
"Same time tomorrow?"
"Sure."
And they walked off in different directions.
Harry had finally managed to elude his pursuers by hiding in the Quidditch showers. No one would think to look there, and nothing sexual could happen there at all, right?
He stood in the cubicle, paralyzed with fear that he might be found, where a gorgeously muscular harm wrapped around his torso. Harry whirled around and found himself face-to-face with a very naked Cedric Diggory.
Harry screamed. Then, "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"Yeah," Cedric said in a sexy voice. His gorgeous body was dripping with water droplets that did nothing but accentuate his perfectly sculpted body. "But the author figured that she needed a definite hot guy to deflower the Boy-Who-Needs-to-be-Fucked."
"She could have gotten Oliver Wood," Harry pointed out. "He may not go to this school anymore but at least he's still alive. He also happens to be painfully sexy."
"The author forgot about Oliver Wood (in spite of his sexiness) since he made his last appearance in book three and movie two... um, I mean, he's been gone from Hogwarts too long for anyone to remember. Now," Cedric turned around so his gorgeous butt faced Harry. "You want to work the finest piece of ass in wizard kind or what?"
Instead of dignifying that question with a response, Harry fled like the coward he wasn't supposed to be.
Professor Snape was sexy. Everyone knew that he was sexy. Pretty much everyone in the school was sexy, Hogwarts as a whole was a very sexy school, but Snape was especially sexy.
After all, who wouldn't find grey skin, a large crooked nose and greasy black hair a complete turn-on?
Draco walked into the classroom after his good hard shag with Ron, not looking disheveled or tiny at all. In fact, he looked totally big and buff and sexy... just like Professor Snape! Since Draco was in fact a teacher's pet in Snape's class, his sexual fantasies involved kinky sex with the sexiest teacher at Hogwarts (who was probably into S&M, another turn on).
"Hello Professor Snape." Draco said seductively. He pulled out a quill and whipped it across the room. "Whoops. Clumsy me. I must go and fetch my feathery item."
As Draco bent down to retrieve his writing utensil (which also conveniently doubled as a sex toy) with his ass high in the air and pointing directly at Snape, Snape couldn't help but feel incredibly turned on by this sinister child. Draco Malfoy was someone he'd wanted to hit for a long time (and that feeling was mutual).
Then suddenly, Snape pulled down his pants and... since the author is a newly pubescent tween whose only sexual experience was derived from reading smutty Harry Potter fan fictions, the author had no choice but to produce a carbon copy of a pedophilic sex scene from another story. That's why they're all the same.
Harry remembered one room that he could hide out without being discovered: the Room of Requirement. With his last ounces of strength, Harry ran to the room, swung the door open and disappeared out of sight. He leaned his body against the door and let out a loud sigh of relief.
His surroundings were gorgeous. There was a modest-sized home in vast rolling hills, lush green grass, tall trees, bright sunshine and...
"Voldemort?" Harry's jaw dropped.
The sixteen year old Tom Riddle grinned. "We meet again Harry."
"Why would sexy—I mean, evil Voldemort be in my fantasies?"
"Because," Tom Riddle began, running his hand up Harry's chest. "You've always had fantasies of your antagonist making sweet, tender, violent love to you. I'm so elusive, so forbidden that it teases you to the point of raw passion. You're obsessed with me, you want me to dominate you... you just want me..." His eyes were hypnotic.
"Yes, I want you Voldemort..." Harry said robotically as Tom Riddle sunk his teeth into Harry's neck.
Hermione was exasperated. Ron was nowhere to be found. Harry had gone AWOL. Even Draco wasn't there to taunt her mercilessly. Where were all the sexy boys?
"Hello Hermione," said slutty Ginny in a husky voice. She was wearing top that popped out all over the place and exposed her large breasts as well as her midriff, and a mini-skirt that was criminally short (Hogwarts uniform not withstanding). "Are you looking for something?"
"Yes, I'm looking for something—" but when Hermione caught sight of the over-sexed Ginny, she forgot all about her male friends, or anyone else for that matter. "Whoa... G-Ginny?"
Porn music began to play as Ginny spoke. "I love bras, they're so... sexy. And I love panties too. Want to come to my room and we can compare?"
Both girls were now panting, horny as well. They ran to the nearest curtain-adorned window and began ripping each other's clothes off. Too bad slash writers are pre-dominantly straight females or this would be super hot.
Despite his vigorous Quidditch workouts (which basically has him sitting on his broom during the whole practice... hm, what a phallic image...) Harry was losing energy fast and could no longer continue to run from his admirers/groupies. Sure, those workouts gave him a gorgeously perfect body, but... you know.
When he was finally caught, Harry shrouded into a fetal position and waited for the inevitable.
Everyone just stopped and stared.
Harry realized that there weren't at least a dozen hands reaching for his goodies. "What's going on? I thought you all wanted to gang rape me."
Everyone let out a collective "NO!"
Pause.
"Can we have your autograph?"
The rest of the day continued without much incident, mostly because the author wanted to skip right to the night time (the sexiest time of day, wouldn't you agree?). The girls went into their dormitories, and the boys to theirs. And you just know they have massive same-sex orgies in there, obviously.
After the supposed massive same-sex orgy, Harry decided to go on a ritual late night walk around Hogwarts with his Invisibility Cloak. He was obviously anticipating something to transpire that night... and if it so happened to be sexy, then that's just more icing on your cake.
Draco had decided to get up extra early to decorate their closet with rose petals, candy and kinky toys. He wanted everything to be perfect for his Weasel. Little did he know he was being tagged by...
Watching Draco scutter down the hall after lights out, Harry couldn't help but feel a little bit tempted. What evil plans could the evil incarnate of Hogwarts be up to at this time of day?
He followed him down to the empty hall, where Draco appeared to be by himself. He went to the now infamous closet of symbolic significance and slipped inside. So Harry did the same.
"Gotcha!" Harry blurted out in glee after whipping off his Invisibility Cloak.
Draco's initial reaction was one of horror. But as intelligent as this pureblood was, he was quick to take the situation into his own favour.
"You're right Potter, you caught me," he said. "Take me now, I'm yours!"
"Wha--" Harry's baffled response was cut short when Draco suddenly lunged at him. But before anything could happen, Ron entered the closet.
"What is going on here?" Ron screamed upon witnessing the two. "Malfoy you man-whore, how could you do this to me?"
"Shut up Weasel," Draco snapped back, his mind racing. "Are you going to bitch like a little girl or are you going to join us?"
Some might think that Ron would be averse to shagging his best mate. But there was a good explanation to this complete lack of canon. He wasn't.
So in the closet of forbidden passion, the three had a threesome that was way too hot to put into words. Afterwards, they munched on the candy Draco and brought then had a couple of other rounds until they were too exhausted to continue and went back to their houses.
"Wow, Draco Malfoy is one hell of a sex god," Harry observed as he and Ron casually walked back to their room.
"Tell me about it," Ron agreed. "I've still got a bangover from last time."
Remus Lupin was weeping at his beloved friend's passing, as he usually did. How could Sirius have died on him, before he could tell him Remus loved him? It wasn't fair damnit! Why did Sirius, Remus's true love of all eternity have to die? He continued to weep violently. Can you feel the angst?
Suddenly, a figure emerged. It was...
"Padfoot!" Remus jumped up and gave his newly revived from the dead friend a fierce hug. He didn't inquire as to what happened and how it happened, he was just happy that the love of his life was alive and he was holding him in his arms.
"I have something to confess to you Moony," Sirius said in a serious voice. "I'm in love with you and I get a boner just thinking about you."
"Oh my God, really? Remus yelped excitedly. "Me too!"
That's all the conversation it look to realize the lust they had for each other. Without hesitation, they began their Puppy Love, Doggy Style. (Oh come on people, you could have seen that coming a mile away.)
The next morning, Draco Malfoy woke up feeling... strange. He was nauseous, bloated, his breasts felt tender and he had the sudden urge to eat pickles dipped in liver pudding.
"I wonder what's happening to me," Draco wondered out loud as he massaged his belly. "I better go down to Madame Pomfrey to see what the heck could be the matter with me after spontaneously shagging multiple partners yesterday." And that he did.
After Madame Pomfrey did a quick physical of Draco's body, she came to a startling conclusion. "Mr. Malfoy, did you have sex with multiple partners and not wear a condom?"
"Yes Madame Pomfrey," Draco replied. "Why do you ask?"
"I have some bad news for you Draco."
Draco nodded, saddened but not entirely shocked. "All right, lay it on me. What is it?"
"Despite our school's track record of... um, student activity, you are the first recorded case we have." Madame Pomfrey let out a deep sigh before continuing. "I'm afraid to tell you, Mr. Malfoy, that you... are..."
"I'm what?" Draco buried his face in his hands.
"…dying."
The news bolted Draco up. "Wait a minute, that's impossible. I'm supposed to be pregnant!"
"What are you talking about you silly boy?" said Madame Pomfrey. "Boys can't get pregnant, that is biologically impossible. However, boys can get STIs when they have hot unprotected sex with multiple wizards."
"But the morning sickness... my new appetite... I have to be pregnant!" Draco maintained.
"Nope, you're dying," Madame Pomfrey corrected him. "From a very rare form of sexually transmitted illness that one only gets for being a slut... trampitis. It serves you right for having too much fun at Hogwarts."
"Ooh, damn, I don't want to die," Draco slumped down to the floor. "I'd much rather be pregnant."
"Are you kidding? That's crazy," Madame Pomfrey snapped. "That's nine months of pure hell, you'd be better off dead. And where exactly would it come out?"
The End
Author's Note: There you have it. I don't usually like flamers because they seriously need to get some self-esteem, but if you must, I'll understand. Just keep in mind, this was only meant to be a gag. If you've made it this far, then give yourself a pat on the back and give me a review :o)