The idea of Saix/Demyx is actually growing on me--quite a lot. While I have to admit that Xigbar/Demyx is my OTP, and I have an easier time seeing Saix with Xemnas, I couldn't resist the opportunity to write about Saix and Demyx together. Something about the two just...compelled me to do it, I guess. I thought it would be sweet, because they're such polar opposites.
Anyway; with that said, this story obviously contains shonen-ai (which, I think, everyone already knows involves two boys being in love). If you don't like the idea of Demyx and Saix together...as in, romantically, or potentially romantically...then please don't read this, as I don't want to cause discomfort towards anyone who won't like the concept.
I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Because if I did, Organization XIII would have gotten the happy endings they deserved. Oh well...
Okay, I'm done rambling! Sorry 'bout that!
"You know...I kinda like being a Nobody!"
Saix hadn't been expecting Demyx's outburst. Usually, the sitarist lingered nearby, rambling about nonsense in a ludicrous manner; never before did he say anything that Saix ever bothered listening to. Never until now.
Raising yellow eyes onto the enthusiastic Nocturne's green ones, he stared at him blankly; emotionlessly.
"And what do you mean by that?" His voice was cold and dry; hard and unfeeling. If it was possible to take a voice and drain it of everything that made it sound human--its pitch, its depth, emphasis on meaningful words--the result would be Saix's. While other Nobodies emulated their old emotions and formed bonds within their ranks out of their old memories, Saix was the only one who didn't even bother. It was as if he existed to epitomize the term "Nobody" itself.
It made Demyx sad. And that was why he returned to his company, time and time again. The Luna Diviner never objected; though he was obviously not pleased with Demyx's presence, he lacked the proper feelings to be annoyed by him being there. That, too, saddened Demyx--but also encouraged him always to return. Here was the one place where he wasn't told point-blank to leave; here with Saix.
"Well..." Demyx sat on the edge of the balcony, swinging his legs and staring up at the moon that would one day become Kingdom Hearts. "Everyone's always saying we don't have hearts. But we have feelings, don't we?"
It didn't take long for Saix to respond. "No."
His lack of hesitance dismayed Demyx, but it took a lot to crush the boy's spirits. He gave him an unrecognizable grin, plucking loosely at the strings of the sitar lying across his lap, and went on to share his newest brilliant theory with the demon man. "Well...that's okay. Maybe our feelings now are just imitations of the ones we used to have... But if that's the case, they're really convincing, right? So maybe living with pretend feelings is as good as living with the real ones! It must be, if they're so convincing that you can't tell the difference!"
Proud of what he believed to be his insight, and eager for Saix to make some sort of reaction for once, Demyx brightly smiled up at the higher-ranked Nobody. "Whatcha think?"
He should have known his eyes were on the moon. It was like Saix worshiped anything remotely lunar. It made Demyx wonder about his past, but though he longed desperately to ask him what it was like, he knew better than to bring it up.
"Without hearts," said Saix, "we are nothing." He tore his gaze off of the moon to stare intently down at Demyx. Or...Demyx liked to pretend it was intent and not dispassionate. "Even if 'fake feelings' were good enough to blur the line between existing and not existing, the fact still remains that we're not worthy to exist in the first place. That is why we want our hearts." He regarded Demyx quietly. "You think you are somebody, just because you can mimic your emotions of old so well that you have deceived yourself into believing they're as good as 'the real thing'?"
Demyx's confidence in himself collapsed as he lowered his head. No matter where he tried to find positivity...Saix was always there to knock it down. Saix's apathy made Demyx feel--feign?--incredible sorrow. And yet, at the same time, Saix was the only one who could make him think this hard, just because of the issues he raised and retaliations he made. So contrasting were their ideas that Saix incited passion within Demyx. He made him want to prove the other wrong... He gave him a reason to keep looking within themselves for something good.
So that Saix would see it, too; and in his seeing it, maybe Demyx would see a smile in return. Someday.
The sitar dematerialized from Demyx's lap as he stood up, planting himself by Saix's side. "So...you really think we don't deserve to have any kind of feelings at all? And we just..." He broke off, staring painfully down at his gloved hands for the time being.
"Let me put it this way, IX. We are filth. Once we can claim our hearts as our own, then we will deserve to have feelings. Only then will we be cleansed."
How was Demyx supposed to bring up, casually, that he didn't feel the need to find his heart? That he believed he had one already; perhaps not a true, tangible one, but the ghost of one left behind...and that this new heart was possibly even better than his old? The way he looked at it, being a Nobody was a blessing. He knew they could feel; whether the feelings were fake or not, they were solid and they were there. And the best part was, this new kind of "heart" he had couldn't be stolen away by a Heartless, or crushed by outside forces. He had all the benefits of a real heart without any of the weaknesses. They all did.
That was what he thought. That was why he didn't even really want to look.
But Saix...he was so convinced that he was a form of dirt if he hadn't a heart beating inside his chest. It made Demyx want to scream, or better yet, to cry--because he believed Saix was worth much more. He hated witnessing Saix likening himself to an animal--less than an animal.
In fact, the only reason he pretended to be as adamant about the completion of Kingdom Hearts as the others were...was really because he wanted Saix to feel whole again.
"Besides."
Demyx hadn't expected Saix to say anything more, but apparently, he wasn't finished. "Besides...?" he asked, urging Saix to go on.
Saix's eyes--Demyx thought they were pure gold more than merciless yellow--possessed reflections of the light radiating off of the heart-shaped moon before them. "The heart; that is where warmth comes from. Without it..." In a moment of vulnerability--if it could be considered weak enough to be vulnerability; to Demyx, displaying what he really felt took strength--Saix brought his hands to rest on his elbows, almost as if he were half-holding himself. "It's cold."
Demyx knew he was imagining it--or maybe he wasn't--but at the word "cold," Saix seemed to shiver. Then it was gone; his arms lowered back down to his sides, straight and stiff as ever before. It was like it never even occurred.
It was while he was surveying Saix deeply that a realization came upon Demyx. Innocent, and hopelessly optimistic, he let his hand briefly brush against Saix's. It was feather-light, too light even to be considered a true touch...and Saix didn't even notice it happened. But to Demyx, it meant connection. "Hey...you know what I think?" he brought up with childish inspiration. "I think being a Nobody is...kinda like jumping into the ocean. 'Specially if it's a really cold day, but even if it's not." His face registered deep concentration as he tried to string together the words as carefully and meaningfully as possible. "It's so cold at first that it kinda stings. It just shocks you, because you're really not used to how cold it is... Then you swim around a little, and you get used to it!" He grinned. "After that, it's not so bad! In fact, it's not that bad at all!"
Again, Saix turned towards him, a reply at the ready. "And what do you do if you don't want to get used to it?"
Demyx's face fell. "You don't like the water?"
"The cold."
Demyx hadn't thought about it like that. What if the cold never went away at all? What if it just got colder and colder as you swam along? He bit his lip, murmuring to himself beneath his breath and below audibility as he tried to work out a way to make Saix feel better--no. Feel, period.
He began backing away from the higher-ranked Nobody, whose attention was once again on the sky and diverted from his colleague. Demyx turned around, as if in order to run back inside the castle--then threw himself gently at Saix from behind, his arms wrapping around his waist.
Saix's back stiffened at Demyx's touch, but he made no verbal response. It was like he was stuck between options as to how to react.
"That better?" Demyx mumbled timidly.
"...Excuse me?" Saix was at a loss.
"The cold...did it go away?" he muttered into Saix's coat as he laid his head against his back.
Saix's next question was as unemotional as ever. "And why would it go away?"
"Body heat!"
Saix could almost feel Demyx grinning into his back. It made him press his eyes shut with disbelief; made him want to tell him not to be ridiculous...that body warmth had nothing to do with the warmth that centered around your soul. The warmth that originated from your heart and fueled your senses; your thoughts. Because that was what emotions were...opinionated thoughts. The only difference between the emotions of a Nobody and the emotions of a Somebody, Saix decided, was that the Nobodies had no warmth to fuel those thoughts and turn them into something real.
"Why do you go to all this trouble to make me agree with you?" Saix demanded to know, turning around so that the younger Nobody's hold on his waist was forced to break. "Do you seek to annoy me?"
Shaking his head and waving his hands, Demyx gave him a reassuring smile. It was filled with youthful eagerness. "No way! I just want to be with you." As if suddenly becoming shy, he brushed messy strands of sandy hair from his face and glanced away. "That's all..."
"And why is that?" Saix couldn't understand Demyx's reasoning. He wasn't even friendly to him. He wasn't friendly to anyone. He...didn't even act like anything human.
Demyx paused, biting down on his tongue the way he did whenever the words were right there in the back of his mind but wouldn't allow themselves to be articulated properly. "...Well..." He drew the word out, stalling.
"I'm waiting."
Demyx snapped his fingers. "Got it! Okay. Basically, it's like this." His grin was so deep, so kind, that it made Saix wonder how Demyx was so good at imitating the effects of a heart...or if he wasn't pretending in the first place. "You put me in touch with who I really am...and somehow...you make me realize that things are okay." He looked embarrassed as he ran a hand through his messy, blonde hair. "That they could be a lot worse...and that they're not bad the way they are. We're lucky to exist; you know?"
Saix's lips parted to contradict Demyx's last statement, but the water elementalist wasn't finished. Moreover, he was becoming enthralled in his explanation of why he liked spending time with Saix; he felt like he was on a roll.
"Maybe being a Nobody isn't like diving into the ocean. But you know what? That's what it's like, being with you. It's hard to get used to you at first...you're cold, shocking to the senses." Demyx folded his arms behind his head. "But give me a little time, and I'll get used to the cold until it goes away, and all that's left is you." He scrunched up his face childishly and let out soundless laughter. "I like 'you.' And I like having to get used to you over and over again. And...and...I dunno... I just wanna see you happy someday. From the first time you ever talked to me--or uh, let me talk to you--I wanted to see you happy so you could stop suffering without...actually suffering. Somewhere in the middle of wanting to see that, I..."
When Demyx broke off--something the musician didn't ordinarily do when he was in the middle of one of his zealous rants--Saix knew there was more he wanted to say, or had to say, but didn't find himself able to voice. He peered at him quietly, wishing he could read minds. Maybe he could save Demyx the embarrassment of saying...whatever it was he was hiding deep within himself...
Saix, although he couldn't place why, wanted so strongly to know what Demyx was preventing himself from saying that he urged him on--gently, for once. "If you say it, I will not ridicule you." 'I won't even care.'
Demyx's eyes, startlingly, were frozen. Saix never saw them without warmth; without mirth... It alarmed him. His own eyes widened as he placed his hands over the boy's shoulders, forcing him to turn in his direction. When he still showed no reaction...Saix imagined himself almost to be panicking. (Could he even panic? Was that possible?) Demyx was the only life in this place; or maybe, he was the only liveliness in Saix's own life. If that small, smothered flame, like the burning tip of a candle, died out completely...it left in its wake nothing remotely humane.
"Demyx!"
When the thoughtful boy brought his eyes onto Saix's, they were glowing once again; this time, with something terribly similar to despair, or maybe shame. "Well..." His voice was a soft, fearful, snowy whisper; close to shaking. "Oh man, you're so gonna kill me..."
"Will you stop being a fool?" Saix didn't mean to reprimand him, and he hoped it didn't come out sounding vituperative. He just didn't know how to get through to somebody. When you haven't used your "opinionated thoughts" in over two hundred years or so, you begin to lose track of how they worked. Maybe...that was the only problem that resulted in Saix's stoic demeanor. He remembered what it was like having a heart, but not what the warmth that drove the heart's emotions felt like.
Demyx drew out an elongated sigh. "It's embarrassing...I mean...not that it's a bad thing, 'cause I think it's a good one, but saying it, or even thinking about saying it...and then thinking about what you might think..."
"I want to know," Saix insisted. "I'm your superior by two ranks. Now answer me."
At that moment, Demyx came to a decision on how to convey to Saix what was on his mind. Standing up as tall as he had to--not so tall that it was a difficult task, but tall enough to make note of it--he allowed his hands to rest on the berserker's shoulders, closing his eyes tightly before quickly leaning in and bringing their lips together. It was every bit as innocent of a kiss as Demyx was; if it had been any less so, its meaning would have been lost.
After lingering, Demyx finally moved his head back just enough to give Saix a questioning look, silently asking if he now understood. No matter how far back he had to pull, he couldn't let go of him...he just couldn't.
Saix certainly looked surprised, but--and this broke Demyx's nonexistent heart--it was more like the display of affection was unexpected on Saix's part. He wasn't even remotely moved. He didn't seem to comprehend the significance behind Demyx's actions.
Choking back a soundless sob, Demyx completely broke away from him and frantically turned around to run away. He embarrassed himself, but he could easily live with embarrassment. Was was truly painful to Demyx was that Saix...didn't even know what he was trying to say.
Then he changed his mind and came to a halt so quickly that he nearly fell over. He forced himself to turn around. It was so hard to act composed right now... But maybe Saix needed to hear it. Maybe he was to the point where he didn't remember how to read body language, either. "I...love you," said Demyx. "That's what I mean. I love you!"
And as he confessed what was on his mind, it felt like his senses were being grated against steel. Each time he said it was harder than the last. While he'd only said it twice, twice was enough to surmise as much.
Saix's eyes, usually narrow and cat-like, rounded--elegantly, one might say--as he turned his head away. It was almost like he was embarrassed, too. But Demyx knew he wasn't, and that was what hurt him the most. He didn't mind what kind of feelings Saix had towards the outburst...he just wanted him, for one, to have some kind of feelings!
"You cannot love, Demyx."
Demyx could practically envision a boulder falling from the sky and crushing him beneath its weight. That was the imagery that cast itself into his mind. He might have expected Saix to deny having feelings himself...but he never anticipated Saix trying to alter his feelings. These feelings were Demyx's... Didn't he have a right to them?
"Y...yeah I can. And I do! Even if you don't like it!" Demyx's hands fled, protectively, to the sides of his head. Like he had a migraine.
Saix was stepping towards him now; for once, Demyx wanted to move away. He didn't, but he wanted to. "I understand believing you can experience happiness or sorrow. But love is not like those. Love, without a doubt, requires a heart--something everyone in this castle is lacking." Saix was so sure of his words...so firm in their formation...and he didn't seem to mind that he was crushing Demyx's unbreakable spirits by voicing them. "It is like trying to see without eyes."
"Bats can see without eyes!" Demyx proclaimed.
"Trying to hear without ears."
"Fish can hear without ears!" Demyx further went on to defy.
"Trying to kiss without lips." Did Saix really say that?
"Eskimo kissing!" Demyx was so desperate, just this once, to actually succeed in his attempts to prove Saix wrong. Anything else...he didn't mind being defeated. But this much, he needed him to know. He needed him to agree.
And for once, Saix didn't have any means with which to knock Demyx down. He stood with his arms uncomfortably loose at his sides, watching Demyx as if there were anything to watch. And there was; his determination to prove he could love without a heart, and that he did love without a heart. He loved Saix.
It was heart to reciprocate Saix's stare. Demyx had to fix his eyes abashedly on the tiling of the balcony, scuffing his shoes along the ground. "I know..." he began awkwardly, "that it's kind of weird...and doesn't make sense... But here's what I think. Maybe losing your heart means you have to make a new one for yourself. You have to take little bits and pieces of whatever you can grab and put 'em together--kinda like a bird's nest--until it's strong enough to be like a heart all by itself. It can't be like a 'real' heart...'cause the cold will never go away...but it's almost as good. It's...just there temporarily, but it lets you feel half of what you could feel with a real heart." Demyx suddenly grinned in spite of the seriousness of the situation as a new analogy came to mind. "Like a baby heart waiting for the mama heart to return! Maybe that's what we're all going through!"
Demyx's naivete and profound innocence made for a startling combination. Taken aback, all Saix could do was absorb his words... All he could do was listen as this Nobody who had probably been alive in his current incarnation for all of five years showed him just how little he knew about himself--about all of them.
Finally, it was time for Saix to forfeit one of their battles. Though his voice was hollow and icy, as it always was, the depth of his words betrayed the inner thoughts he possessed. His eyes...his face...they couldn't express anything at all anymore. He could only hope Demyx would believe him when he told him the truth:
"You win this time."
It was like Demyx initially didn't hear what Saix said--or the words didn't process properly. He did a double-take, his eyes opening wide. "A-are you serious?" he asked, unable to mask his overjoyed excitement.
Saix nodded sternly. Of course he was serious... He was always serious.
"There is, however, one thing I would like for you to admit to being wrong about..."
By now, Demyx was far too happy--far too ecstatic; that was the right word--about getting through to Saix that whatever it was, he didn't mind being wrong about it. "Okay! Anything!" he complied willingly.
And Saix drew the younger Nobody up into his arms suddenly, holding his body close to his own and wrapping himself around as much of him as he could. Demyx had only a gasp to offer before drawing himself in towards Saix as much as he was able to in the equivalent of what was, inevitably, snuggling. Saix didn't mind the physical contact for once.
It struck him then... Maybe opinionated thoughts without warmth were good enough. Was that kind of warmth--the warmth that only came from a heart--so desirable when it could so easily be replaced by this kind--the kind given off from, as Demyx put it, body heat? It was almost good enough. It was almost a worthy substitute. For the time being, at least...it would suffice.
"The cold does go away."
There's one line I'd like to credit:
"It's hard to get used to you at first...you're cold, shocking to the senses. But give me a little time, and I'll get used to the cold until it goes away, and all that's left is you."
This was borrowed, with permission, from a poem called "Shining Ghost" that my friend wrote. In our RP group, his Demyx has an unrequited crush on Saix and frequently writes love letters to him in his diary, then scratches them out... Aww, so cute... Anyway! That line comes right out of one of them and was actually the inspiration for this oneshot.
Ack, I didn't mean to ramble.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and take care!