'Allo, everyone. This is a fantabulous story co-written by the authors Sake Bottle Swing and SilverScreenStar (many S's.)
Disclaimer: No one is owned. This is an OFFENSIVE story, don't like, don't read. There is a LOT of character bashing. No one is safe.
Kisses and Hugs
The OHMIGOD OHMIGOD TROUSERS WITH RAINBOWS! Secret Journals of Tohru Honda
3:30 am
Time to rise and shine! Oh, there's so much to do at 3:30 in the morning! I have to be up nice and early to clean the house, take my SUPER HAPPY PILLS! and prepare an 11 course meal for dinner! Hahaha my pills are smiling at me...smile smile...okay, where's that water?
3:45 am
YAY! YAY! RAINBOWS AND STARSHINE!
4:00 am
Kyo just woke up and he had to use the bathroom. I looked at his pajamas and asked him, "Kyo, did you take the cucumber I need for the salad? I can't find it anywhere..." He pretended not to hear me.
4:15 am
...He sure has been in there a long time. Oh! Here he comes!...Why is he limping? I just want my cucumber back.
4:20 am
Silly kitty, leaving smushed cucumber on the bathroom sink! I'll just put that right into the salad...
5:30 am
Uh-oh. Shigure is on a rampage. I don't know what for, but he seems to be throwing pots around in his room. Something about not being able to go to the Parent-Teacher Conference. It's not that big of a deal, is it?
5:47 am
Remember what Mama said, "Tohru, Prozac is your best friend, but nobody is closer to you than I. And for God's sake, try to get a higher grade than a D in sex education! Remember what I told you about the bananas and the boxes? DO YOU? blah blah blah..."
6:00 am
I hate my mom.
6:10 am
Mmmm...this salad tastes delicious. I thought I would sample it to make sure that the family doesn't get food poison from it, or something.
6:20 am
OK, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING SOHMA HOUSEHOLD! WHAT HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR ME? AND WHAT IS THIS? I HAVE TO CLEAN HOUSE! AND I DON'T EVEN GET A DECENT FUCK BUDDY! AND WHAT'S WITH SHIGURE COMING IN AT 12 MIDNIGHT TO PLAY "FIND THE DOGGY BONE"?
6:30 am
It's an incredible feeling once the Valium kicks in!...zzzzzzz...
7:00 am
Why did I suddenly wake up on the kitchen floor with no recollection of the past three hours and a killer headache? Oh well...EH? I NEED TO PACK YUKI AND KYO'S LUNCHES! OH NOOOOOOOOOO!
7:01 am
Lunches packed in record time! Go meeeee! Go meeee!
8:00 am
Yuki and Kyo are fighting again. I hope they kill...I mean don't hurt each other! Hehehe...(cough cough)
8:04 am
(Four million sweat drops later) Yuki won. Again. God, this is getting monomonous.
8:05 am
Is that a word?
8:10 am
SCHOOL TIME! SCHOOL TIME! YAY!
9:00 am
Uo and Hana just told me that they have a very big secret. I wonder what that secret is...?
9:30 am
Uo and Hana have been awfully close lately.
9:35 am
They're ignoring me.
10:00 am
Oh no! Hana was choking on a piece of takoyaki! Thankfully, Uo saved her by sucking it out of her mouth.
10:05 am
Why would she be eating takoyaki at 10:00? Sometimes they just don't make sense.
10:10 am
Silly best friends!
10:11 am
Uh-oh...I hear distant rumbling in the background.
10:11 am...still
Haru found the butterfly. Why was he looking for it anyway?
11:00 am
Kyo asked Uo why she was "making out" with Hana. What does "making out?" mean?
11:30 am
Kyo says that Uo and Hana are gay and that I'm retarded.
11:31 am
How sweet of him!
11:35 am
Yuki came over and said something about a wild time in the janitor's closet. I guess janitor's are people too, and can have parties if they want to. Why is it such a big deal? Oh...Yuki said that there aren't supposed to be "condoms" on the floor when they are done.
11:40 am
I will nod knowingly and pretend I understand.
12:00 pm
LUNCH TIME! LUNCH TIME! YAY!
12:01 pm
Ooh...I can't see straight! Kyo hit me hard that time.
12:15 pm
After a delightful lunch of cucumbers and -AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAA! PILLS PILLS PILLS PILLSSSSSSSSS!...shougayaki...what was I saying?
12:27 pm
My world is slowly collapsing around me. PAIN! I LOVE THE PAIN! Gah...the razor...WHERE IS IT?
12:30 pm
Ah...it's nice when the Ritalin kicks in. All is well in Happy-Happy-La-La-La-Tohru Land.
1:00 pm
The teacher was saying something about sea cucumbers and sea urchins and other things but I couldn't focus on it at all. I kept thinking about why everyone in the Sohma house is so weird...but beautiful...but weird...
1:15 pm
Maybe that's why I got all those red marks last term.
2:00 pm
Oooh, little first year, hello! What are you doing? No, that's my backpack...you can't have it...MINE! MINE! GET YOUR DIRTY MITTS OFF OF IT!
3:00 pm
I guess it's against school rules to shove first-years into garbage cans. Kyo said he was very proud of me. I said a bunch of words I didn't even know that I knew and got into more trouble!
3:30 pm
I hate it when I have those weird lapses. They make me feel all fuzzy inside...fuzzy and ANGRY!
4:00 pm
Okay, no time for homework, I've decided to add a cheese course to tonight's meal for Yuki! Speaking of Yuki he didn't walk home with us today. He said something about having to clean up something after school. I asked him "Doesn't the janitor do that?" and he muttered something and turned a funny color.
4:10 pm
Not only is Yuki missing, but Hatsuharu-san is nowhere to be found as well.
4:11 pm
A mystery.
4:30 pm
Shigure was sitting at his desk when we got home with the corpse of Mii-chan underneath it. Apparently she couldn't take it anymore.
5:35 pm
Mii-chan is starting to get a bit stinky. I hope Shigure moves her before bugs start getting into the house.
Damned suicidal editors! I mean...eh...er...what was I saying?
6:15 pm
Yuki and Haru finally came home—I was so worried about them! Haru said they were off picking berries and Yuki nodded in agreement. Then Haru said something else about sticks and Yuki punched him. He seems to do that a lot.
7:25 pm
Uh-oh. Everyone was throwing up in the bathroom after dinner today. Was it something I cooked? Maybe it was the salad? One of the recipes called for baking soda, but we didn't have any so I used soda ash instead. Aren't they the same thing?
7:35 pm
Why is everyone yelling at me?
7:45 pm
Ooh...lamp posts.
8:00 pm
Found Momiji dancing to some rap music in his room.
8:01 pm
What does, "ho's in the house" mean?
8:05 pm
Is Kyo a ho?
8:15 pm
Maybe he will tell me!
8:30 pm
Ouch. Guess not. Maybe I'm a ho.
8:31 pm
Well, everyone has stopped throwing up now, but Haru has gone black and is rampaging around the garden. I hope Yuki's plants are OK, because then he'll get mad and jump on Haru's back again.
8:32 pm
I wanna play leap frog, but they said I couldn't! That's not FAIR!
8:35 pm
Good news. Haru didn't trash the garden. Bad news, they are playing leap frog again and not letting me play. Silly boys.
9:00 pm
I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy! My parents are on "vacation"! YAY! Happy!
9:02 pm
No more happy...sad...more sad...my mom and my dad are dead...WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
9:03 pm
Life is pain. Life is pointless.
9:05 pm
Kyo asked me what was wrong, and I said that I was upset. He yelled, "BOTH YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD, GET OVER YOURSELF!"
9:10 pm
Hahahahaha! Haha, silly Kyo! My parents aren't really dead, they're just on vacation! they'll be coming back any minute now...any minute now...
9:30 pm
Any minute now...
10:00 pm
Shigure asked what I was doing. I told him I was waiting for my parents to get back from Ibiza. He shook his head and muttered something about cutting back on my medication.
10:01 pm
How could he? HE WILL NEVER TOUCH MY MEDICATION! EVER!
10:14 pm
Shigure found me on the steps sobbing about onions. He gave me a little pill and said it would make me feel all better.
10:35 pm
I wonder whatever happened to Hatsuharu and Yu-zzzzzzzzzzz...