Retard Evil 4: Partners in Idiocy
This is my dumb little parody of Resident Evil 4, except Leon has a partner and Ashley has a sister, will she be half as whiny as Ashley, will she be helpless, who knows? Me of course! But you'll have to read and find out.
Disclaimer: Yes I own Resident Evil and all of its affiliates….NOT! Just kidding. But really Capcom, don't take it seriously.
Leon: 1998…I'll never forget it. It was the year I caught crabs from that Indonesian hooker, it was also the year that everyone reenacted Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. But people actually died—
Rick: Shut up! You've been saying that since I hit the start button.
Leon: Oh sorry. (the car sped down the road)
Rick: Hey! The car's speeding down the road you know! (the driver slows down)
Leon: Thanks.
Policia1: Scary ass Americans.
Leon: What?
Policia1: Nothing.
Rick: You called us (mimics Policia1's voice) "scary ass Americans" didn't you?
Policia2: So what if he did?
Leon: (kicks Policia2 in the face) Shut up, who are you calling scary?
Policia1: You!
Rick: You got balls kid.
Policia1: You should know.
Rick: (shoots Policia1's balls off) Balls aren't so big now.
(Leon and Rick get out and walk towards some ugly house)
Rick: Evil house…evil birds….evil truck…are you sure these guys don't work for Hello Kitty?
Leon: Don't say that, I'm a HelloKittyphob.
(they enter the house without knocking and see some dude with a giant blunt in the fireplace)
Rick: Let me hit it! (guy drops his pants and wiggles his butt at Leon and Rick)
Both: Gross!
Leon: (pulls something out of his pocket) Have you ever seen these two before?
(the guy looks, then backs up and grabs an axe and swings at Leon, but Rick shoots him first)
Leon: Damn! I accidentally pulled out green cards.
Rick: Why do you have Greencards?
Leon: They're playing cards that are green.
(the guy stands up and runs at Leon and Rick)
Leon: MOOORRRTALLLLL KOOOMMMBAATTTTT!
(Mortal Kombat music blasts through stereo and a long, drawn out battle occurs in which Leon kicks so much ass he ends up in some shack with a wardrobe shaking)
Rick: You didn't have to hit me! (rubs head)
Leon: Or myself…god that hurt!
(they hear knocking)
Rick: Who is it?
Mumble voice: Mumble mumble
Leon: Who?
Mumbled voice: Mumble!
(The wardrobe starts shaking)
Rick: Hey that wardrobe started shaking.
Leon: No shit!
Rick: No, I didn't see any.
Leon: What…never mind.
(they approach the shaking wardrobe in which someone clearly needs help)
Rick: Hello…do you need help?
Leon: Shut it.
Rick: Touch it.
Leon: No, you touch it.
Rick: Hell no! YOU touch it!
(pokes Rick) Fuck that! Stop being a candy ass and touch it!
Rick: Dammit. If I die, I'll kill you.
Leon: How if you're already dead?
Rick: Fuck you!
Leon: Fuck you!
(Rick finally touches it and it falls apart, some dude falls on the floor, duct taped and gagged)
Leon: Damn! These Oreo Cookies are pretty well-jammed!
Rick : They have jam on them! I want some!
Leon: No, there is no jelly in sight, I meant they're stuck here pretty good.
Rick: Oh, well I meant toe jam.
Leon: What about Earl? (Leon takes out the last Oreo; the Spaniard stands up)
Spaniard: Dammit! I bet my buddy that I could eat 50 Oreo cookies while tied up before you got here!
Rick: And he stuffed you in there?
Spaniard: I went in myself.
Leon: Why?
Spaniard: This wardrobe leads to another world.
Rick: No way!
Spaniard: Way.
Leon: Show us.
Spaniard: Follow me! (he jumps in the wardrobe) OW! Fuck, my head!
Rick: Sorry, I broke it, told ya he was lying.
Spaniard: Broken? Oh no, (cries) NARNIA!
(a giant piece of swiss cheese falls into the room)
Spaniard: Great…the big cheese.
Leon: Cheese?
Rick: Cheese! (jumps at cheese but a blunt hits him on the head) Oh, WEED!
Mendez ViewMendez walked into the room where he heard the Americans only to find it full of so much smoke he couldn't see. So he grabbed Sam Fisher and stole his goggles. Then he saw three people smoking weed.
Regular ViewSpaniard: And then she said, "No, not in the ear!" AHHAHAHAAA!
Leon: I was gonna eat yo' pussy too, but I was high…now I'm jacking off, and I know whyy! Cause I got high, because I got high, because I got higgghhh! Ladadadadadada!
Spaniard: Oh great, the bigger cheese.
(Leon stood up and ran to roundhouse kick the tall dude, but since he was high like sky divers he ended up kicking him in the shin like a 7 year old girl)
Mendez: ….
Leon: ….
Rick: …..
Spaniard: …..
Two villagers: Huh?
Leon: …that didn't hurt?
Mendez: No, not really.
Leon: Oh, okay. Well now what?
Mendez: I could throw you into Mr. Sera and knock you unconscious, after which you would receive and intoxicating power?
Leon: Intoxicating?
Rick: Sounds fun!
(Mendez lobs Leon at Mr. Sera and Rick, they collide)
Leon: Damn it! That didn't work! (Luis falls out)
Mendez: Oh, well lets try this again.
Leon: But be gentle.
Mendez: Oh, I'll be VERY gentle. (he grabs Leon by the ass and repeatedly rams his head into Luis' nuts)
Leon: AGGHHH! Stop! Yuck! This is….queer!
(Luis gets hard in his sleep)
Leon: Stop! Ewwww, its hard! Noooooo!
(Mendez rams Leon's head into Luis' rock hard dick and knocks him out)
20 minutes later
(Leon wakes up in a little building, tied to Luis and Rick)
Leon: Hey, wake up.
Rick: Oh, you're finally awake?
Leon: What? How long have you been up, and why didn't you wake me up?
Rick: I was never sleep, I escaped and followed them here.
Leon: Then why are you tied up too?
Rick: Oh that's easy, I wanted you to think I got knocked out too but I just…kinda , told you that huh?
Leon: …..You asshole!
Now has a name: Shit shit shit…crawl out—
Rick: Crawl out of one hole, and into another eh?
Luis: What I was going to say that, how'd you know?
Rick ESPN….
Leon: (WTF face)….
Luis: (WTF face) ……
Rick: ….is a great show?
(some evil dude with a huge axe walks in)
Luis: AXE!
Leon: Ass?
Luis: No, axe!
Rick: Ash?
Luis: Axe!
Leon: (looks up)…oh, he said "axe", must be that Spanish accent.
(the three scream and scare the axe dude, making him trip and fall on the axe, Leon and Luis slowly stop screaming)
Leon:….
Luis: …..
Rick: AGGGHHHH!
Leon: ….
Luis: (laughing softly)
Rick: AGGGHHHH!
Leon: ….what?
Rick: There's an ant in my pants! And we're still tied together! AGGGHHH!
(Another axe dude walks in, they scream again, making this dude trip over the other guy's body and cut the ropes, the guy falls on the axe. Leon stops screaming)
Luis: AGGGHHH!
Rick: AGGHHHH!
Leon: Now what?
Luis and Rick: We got ants in our pants! AGGHHH!
(Leon picks up some random flamethrower and aims for their pants)
Leon: Let me help!
Rick: AGGHHHH! (dodges flames)
Luis: Holy shit! (runs away)
(the flame thrower magically disappears and someone puts their face in the window)
Rick: Leon, wait it appears that someone has put their face in the window.
(Leon shoots at the face but a honey bun flies in front of the bullet)
Merchant: Holy shit, stranglers.
Leon: Stranglers? I'll strangle you.
(they walk out and meet the merchant, he opens his jacket)
Merchant: I got these cheeseburgers man!
Rick: Got any guns?
Merchant: Got some rare things on sale strangler.
Leon: These don't look too rare, just some upgrades, got anything better?
Merchant: (thinking)….got some rare things on sale strangler.
Rick: Gimme a TMP.
Merchant: What are you buying?
Rick: A TMP.
Merchant: What are you buying?
Rick: A TMP
Merchant: What are you buying?
Rick: A fuck—ing TMP!
Merchant: Wise choice mate, but not only will you need cash, but you'll need guts to buy that weapon.
Leon: Just give him the TMP.
Merchant:…(thinking)….Got a selection of good things on sale strangler.
Rick: Can you only say a few things?
Merchant: (thinking what to say for profit)……
Leon: …..um
Rick: ……uh
Trees: ….. chisssshhhhhh…
Silent Bob: …..
Merchant: …….( he's got it!) What are you buying?
Leon: Shut up.
Merchant: What are you selling?
Rick: TMP! TMP! T-M-P!
Merchant: Heheheheh…thank you.
(Rick shoots him in the foot, he dies apparently)
Rick: What, he laughs like I just took a bad deal or something.
(They walk through some double doors and find their way to some lake, after getting hit by a speeding boulder)
Rick: I told you it was a 50 mph zone.
Leon: Shut it.
Rick: Where's your hot sister and the monster?
Leon: What?
Rick: Sorry, I watched too much Fantastic 4 last night.
(They walk into a boat and speed off, then they get attacked by some damn lake monster)
Rick: Hate to say it but we're sandwiched all right.
Leon: Don't you mean we're in deep shit!
Rick: Well to make amends, hate to say it but we'd better get shovels.
Leon: Why?
Rick: Cause we're in some deep shit.
End of chapter 1, now I may put up more chapters if I get positive reviews. I hope you liked it. Peace.