All rights and privileges to "South Park" are copyrighted trademarks and property of Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Comedy Central, and all peoples associated. The characters of these fictions are used WITHOUT permission for the entertainment purposes only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit. As if anyone would actually pay money for this thoughtless drivel. And even if they like it, it's right here and money is not required. So there! Bottom line: I don't own them I just like to play God with them. Like an ant walking back and forth across my feet for what seems like miles upon miles. Or a bug with a magnifying glass as it slowly burns into nothingness. Ahem Yes, I don't own them. Never have. Never will. Sigh…
Disclaimer Numbuh 2: This story is not meant to offend. I know plenty of Mormons, relatives and otherwise. Most of them are decent people. But it's a safe conclusion to draw that anyone can be an awesome or horrible person regardless of religion.
Disclaimer Numbuh 3: "Get" is not a suitable replacement for "to be" in any of its forms.
Author's Note: This has been kicking around my computer for some time. I was hoping to finish it all in one go, but whatever. I have a short attention span. I figured I'd post this because of Seaouryou's pic on DevArt with the crack pairings. A lot of people seem to like the idea of Stan and Gary, so... here you go: crack in its purest form.
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Fun with Mormons
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"Failure to attain bipartisan support in the two-party system can easily lead to gridlock, often angering each side and their constituencies." Wow. Gary is really smart, maybe just as smart as Kyle. No wonder the two don't like each other.
"God damn it, Gary," Cartman mutters. "What a pussy." He's a pussy for being smart? Cartman's logic is the most flawed of any I have ever known.
"Leave him alone, Cartman," I growl. "You have no idea what 'bipartisan' means."
"I do to!"
"What is it, fat tits?" Kyle snaps.
"It's the union that Stan and Gary share. You know, the one where they have butt sex every night."
"Oh Jesus," I moan, hanging my head and pinching the bridge of my nose.
"But since they both like girls, that makes them bi – like Kenny."
"No, Kenny's just a whore," Craig announces. Too true.
"Hey!" Kenny protests.
"You are, man," Clyde admits.
"But what does that have to do with Stan ass-ramming Gary?" Kenny points out, diverting the attention back to me.
"Kenny!" I shout indignantly. "Gary and I aren't screwing!" Not that that would be a bad thing if we did, he's not that bad to look at, although inexperienced. Mmmm… virgin flesh. But no way, he's not really my type; he's too… something.
"Yeah! If Stan and Gary were shagging, Gary's brains would be turned to goo," Pip states. Pip, now that was a fun lay. We spent hours in a hot tub together. Hours.
"What?" Kyle asks. Well, I never exactly told him that I slept with Pip.
"Well, it's just so fantastic," Pip gushes. Now that is a nice boost to the ego… not to mention a great advertisement. I'm going to have to hook back up with him as thanks. "Best shag I've ever had."
"Don't be such a fag, Frenchy," Cartman scoffs.
"I was just pointing out that Stan is a brilliant shag and – "
"Shut up, Pip!" Cartman shouts.
"Pip's right," Bebe blurts out. Bebe was fun too. Her breasts, my God, they are so amazing.
"Y-yeah!" Tweek speaks up. Tweek was amazing too, like my own personal vibrator or something.
"Stan! You've slept with all these people?" Kyle asks in awe. I think there is a little tremor of hurt in his voice too. I obviously haven't told him any of this. I thought he would freak.
I shrug. "I like blonds." My vice.
"You haven't slept with me!" Kenny laments.
"Yeah, but you're like, my friend," I point out. Call me weird, but I won't sleep with my friends.
"So?" Horny bastard. Not that he's not bad looking. He's just Kenny, and he's my friend.
"Damn it, Kenny."
"W-would you with me, S-Stan?" Butters asks, rubbing his knuckles together.
"No, Butters," I sigh. "You'd be grounded."
"Oh. Oh yeah." Melvin.
"So, if you like blonds, you'd sleep with Gary," Cartman rationalizes. Nope, I wouldn't.
"What about me?" Annie asks anxiously.
I turn to her and wink. She blushes. She's not really my type, but if she's willing… well, I'd have to see, but possibly.
"You're more of a whore than Kenny!" Cartman declares. Yeah, right. I'm not even close.
"Class!" The teacher shouts. "Focus! You have an exam tomorrow and a paper due Friday. How you spend your time is up to you. You want to talk about your classmates' sex lives? Fine. But that is not going to be on the exam."
I don't pay any attention to her. Civics can suck my balls and so can she. I'm not really doing well in this class, and I know I should pay attention, but right now I need to defend my honor.
"I am not more of a whore than Kenny! I can count the people I've slept with on one hand!" Pip, Tweek, Bebe, and Wendy. Wendy was my first. We tried to date again, but it really didn't work, so we just had lots and lots of sex, and that did work.
The teacher sighs and sits behind her desk. We might as well give her free time to grade our papers; that'll free up her weekend.
"What about you, Kenny?" Craig asks.
"Well, um… I have no idea how many people I've fucked," he admits.
"Ha!" I say victoriously. "Wait, why are we arguing this? Everyone knows that Kenny is the biggest whore in South Park – even bigger than Cartman's mom."
"Hey!" Cartman protests.
"And everyone knows that Gary is a Mormon, and they don't condone premarital sex. And gay sex? Just forget that," Kyle points out.
"So what you're saying, Kyle, is that Stan can't seduce Gary into sin?"
"Dude!" Kyle and I exclaim simultaneously.
"Umm… guys? I do happen to be in the room," Gary says a bit uneasily.
"Shut up, Gary," Cartman sneers.
"Cartman, you can't go making bets like that!" Kyle accuses.
"A bet! That's a great idea!"
"No way!" Why do Kyle and Cartman always end up fighting over stupid stuff and trapping me in the middle? It's about time I put my foot down.
"What's the matter, Stan? Can't take the pressure?" he taunts.
Tweek expels a random "Gah!"
"Dude, you're confusing me with Tweek," I state dryly.
"You've boned him; it's almost the same thing."
"God damn it, Cartman. I'm not going to sleep with Gary."
"Why not?" he whines. "You have sand in your vagina like the Jew?"
"Jesus, Cartman! I sleep with who I want to sleep with. I don't do it to fulfill your sick fantasies."
"My fantasies involve Kyle dying."
"Fuck you, fatass!"
"No, they really do!"
"That's it!" Kyle shrieks. "You, me. Outside the gym. After school."
"You're on! And Stan – fifty bucks says you can't bone the Mormon."
I ignore him. "Kyle, you can't fight Cartman."
"Stan," he whines. "He's had this coming for a long time."
"Yeah, I know, dude, but he's eventually gonna be shot, probably in college. I'm sure you can wait a year."
"Don't pussy out, Kyle," Cartman jibes.
The bell rings.
"I'm going to kick your fat ass, Cartman!"
By lunch, Cartman had forgotten all about his fight with Kyle, and all he remembered was the money he placed against my manhood. And he keeps reminding me of it. Relentlessly. I'm really close to dragging him off into a corner and fucking him, but that would involve touching him. And just the idea makes my skin crawl. Honestly, I should be more threatened about my ability of a lover, but I have Bebe, Pip, Tweek, and Wendy to back me up.
"Seriously, Stan, you bone him by the end of the month and I'll double your money."
"I'm not going to bone Gary," I sigh, wishing he would just shut the fuck up.
Gary has the misfortune of walking by our lunch table just then.
Kenny catcalls.
I glare at him before taking off after Gary.
"Yeah, Stan, be the MAN!"
"Shut up, fatass!" I shout over my shoulder.
I grab Gary's arm and drag him out of the cafeteria. I don't care that everyone is staring at us; I just want to talk to him alone. I lead him to an empty classroom and close the door behind us.
"Look, Stan," he starts. "You don't need to say anything, I understand it all." He has the balls to look me in the eye.
"Gary, I'm really sorry that Cartman is an asshole. He really has no idea what the hell he's doing. He just thinks he can read people but – "
"So you do want to – with me?"
"What! No!" Has the entire world gone insane today!
"So I'm not good enough for you?" What! This town has changed him dramatically. There is no way he would have said that when he first moved here.
"What! Gary, you're not my type – if I slept with you it would be too much like sleeping with Kyle. If I had a brother, it would be like sleeping with my brother. I mean, because of the whole friendship thing and the smart thing." I know I'm rambling and not making any sense, but I don't care as long as my general point is made.
He sneers at me. Sneers! I didn't even know he was capable of sneering.
"Wait – you want to sleep with me!"
"No!" He denies that rather quickly and very vehemently.
"I just wanted to apologize for Cartman's stupidity and tell you not to worry about the whole sex thing."
"I hate being Mormon," he whispers. I'm not even sure I've heard him correctly. I just stare at him blankly. "The only way I can – you know – is by marrying. And all the girls here hate me so my chances of marrying them are slim. Next year I need to go on my mission and when I come back, I'm expected to marry. I don't want to marry, I just want…" he murmurs the last word: "sex."
That word in that tone sends a shiver of pleasure down my spine. I'm not sure if I should tell him he needs to date a chick before he even thinks about kissing her, let alone marrying her.
"Just because you wanna bone doesn't mean you should despise your faith. It means that you're a horny teenager."
"I don't want to be."
"You kinda don't have a choice."
"Can you teach me?" He looks at me with big pleading eyes. Wait – what!
"Dude, did you not just hear the list of people I've fucked! What about me screams chastity?"
"I really don't know anything about… you know."
"Sex?" I raise an eyebrow at him. That's right, he transferred in after we had gone through sex ed.
He nods miserably. "Could you teach me? If I know, then I can figure out a way to avoid it."
God damn my bleeding heart.
"Fine, but only if you teach me about civics and politics and stuff." Wendy and Kyle have both tried and failed quite spectacularly. "And I'm not going to bone you. Deal?"
He sighs in relief. "Deal."
I spit into my palm and hold it out for him to shake, but he just stares at it. "It's a spit pact," I say by way of explanation.
"A what?"
"I spit in my hand, you spit in yours, we shake, can't break the promise made, you know – all that shit."
"That's unsanitary and doesn't make any sense."
"Why should it make sense?" I've never thought about it making sense, I've always just done it. "The Book of Mormon doesn't make any sense either." When he doesn't take my hand, I wipe it on my pants.
"I know."
"Yet you're still Mormon." He gives me a strange look. "Oh, right. Here, let me tell you something: I overheard Damien and Pip talking once about heaven. It was definitely something I shouldn't have heard, but I did, so whatever. Pip wanted to know the right way of life, which religion to follow to get into heaven, what God's plan was, et cetera. Damien laughed at him and told him to guess. After about fifty tries, Damien finally admitted that Mormons – devout Mormons are the only ones to get into heaven. He then told Pip that it didn't matter which religion he was because, you know, Pip's a flamer, and after you are fucking the anti-christ habitually you're kinda damned anyway. But I digress."
"You knew about Damien, but you still – with Pip?"
"I'm an immoral bastard," I shrug. "It's not like we're dating or nothing. We just hooked up at a party." And his polite thing – completely gone when it comes to sex, not that I'd tell Gary this. Why else would the anti-christ be interested in something as innocent as Pip seems? And well, Damien watched. That was hot.
"I know that you meant that to be reassuring, but it wasn't. I mean if I get into – " The bell rings, cutting him off. "Thanks, Stan." He smiles, and it's fake. "I'll talk to you later." And he runs away. I've given up thinking about how weird the people in this town are.
I half expect everyone to be outside the door spying on us, but there is no one there. Well then, I guess I can lie.
In my next class I tell Cartman that I blew Gary. Unfortunately he doesn't believe me, but it's not like I can provide proof – unless he asks Gary. Which would be disproof. He's not likely to ask Gary, so even if I did fuck the kid, he wouldn't give me the fifty bucks.
After school Kyle and I wait outside the gym with a bunch of other kids who want to see Kyle kick Cartman's ass. People look at their watches and money exchanges hands. I guess they had bets about whether or not Cartman would have the balls to show up.
Kyle keeps muttering under his breath. Sometimes I can distinguish the words, sometimes I can't. Most of them are about Cartman being a racist, fat bastard. He's jumpy too, anxious to start this thing and get it over with.
We wait half an hour before dispersing, Kyle declaring himself the victor. Not that there was much of a battle. It's kinda sad, really. I wanted to see him kick Cartman's ass.
The two of us walk home together.
"Did you really blow Gary?" Kyle asks skeptically.
"Nah. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't do it." I shove my hands into my pockets.
"You didn't seem to mind when it was other people." So that is what this is about.
"Kyle, I didn't tell you those things because I thought you would freak out."
"You told me about Wendy!"
"Yeah, and you freaked out." He really did. He even punched me in the stomach.
He doesn't say anything.
"I'm not going to destroy some kid's entire belief system just to take money from Cartman. And he wouldn't believe me even if I did."
"Do you want to?" he asks curiously.
"He's not my type."
"How's he different from Pip?"
I leer at him. "Do you really want to know?"
"Agh! Gross!" He blanches.
"I like to think I have some semblance of a conscious left. I'm not that much of an asshole."
"So…" I'm not sure I like his tone. "What is your type?"
I smirk. "I like fun!" I declare.
He chokes and starts coughing. Once he composes himself he asks, "Don't you want anything a little, I don't know, deeper?"
"Not now, dude," I scoff. "Maybe someday, but not now."
TBC
Stan is so gay. And a manwhore. But I think that's why I love him. And Gary's answer about bipartisanship is almost directly quoted from Wikipedia.
Comments are most welcome.