Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
The Parody
Rain: Pound!
Wind: Rush!
Trees: Snap!
Elizabeth: Freely sits in the middle of a hurricane in a yellow(!) wedding dress. White is the color of virginity. That must make yellow the color of a virgin that knows how to handle a sword.
Anywhoo, a DRAMATIC and METAPHORICAL storm crashes Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) and Will's wedding. Or at least it would have, if Will (Orlando Bloom) had shown up for it.
Elizabeth: mutters profanities under her breathWill-that-little-bitch-standing-me-up-on-my-wedding-daymutter Does this mean that I don't get a wedding night?
Footsteps: Patter
Elizabeth: Turns around in shock and sticks out breast for emphasis! Will! WTF! Why the fck didn't you show up! You pansy! If you were nervous about tonight, then you should have fcking told me that you were a fcking eunuch and I would have FCKING gone and FCKED Jack Sparrow while a still had a chance to FCK!
Will: P-please calm down, M-mmiss Swa—Elizabeth. LOOK!
Shackles: cling!
Lord Cutler Beckett: Hello lovies! I'm totally going to be an asses rats and arrest you two. Buahah! And then I can use you to get Jack Sparrow's compass! It's a perfectly sane and totally logical plan! Why I can't get the compass myself? Because I want to bring you two major characters back into the plot. That's why. Grins madly.
Elizabeth: Who the fu—?
Beckett: STOP STARING AT HER PAINTED ON CLEAVAGE MEN! CHAIN HER!
Governor Swann: Elizabeth... wimper...
Will: Looking huffy and full of pent-up sexual tension decides to ask a question that took him the entire time-span of walking to his ruined wedding to word correctly. In the category of all questions NOT answered—
Elizabeth: What are the charges! Sticks out chest. Puckers lips. Juts out jaw.
Beckett: Placid. Just to inform you, I am completely unaffected by your womanly womanness. Your painted on seductiveness does nothing for me! And the reason for this will be revealed later on. Anywhoo! I am arresting you on these totally true but absolutely unreal charges of helping that whimsical lil' ponce Sparrow fly free, savvy?
Everyone: ...
END SCENE
Mr. Gibbs: Sixteen men on the dead man's chest... HAHA! A nice little reference to old pirate classics! AND! This movie's subtitle! How about that! Yo ho ho... and a bottle of rum! BEING DRUNK AND HAVING KNOWLEDGE BEYOND THE WORLD OF THIS MOVIE IS FUUUN!
Dude in cages eyes: Pecked the HECK OUT!
Coffin: Plops into water.
Bird: Pecks at coffin.
Bird: BOOM! POOF!
Sexy Man Hand: Swivels with pistol.
Jack Sparrow, SORRY, Captain Jack Sparrow: ARRIVES! Out of the coffin.
Music: SOARS AND CRESCENDOS at the arrival of him!
Dead Man's Leg: Lopped off by Jack and used as a paddle. Nice.
Jack gets retrieved by the crew of his precious Black Pearl. We meet a pirate who've we've never seen before but apparently isn't very experienced with keys... and what they do...
Jack: I am going to swagger about! AND! AND! Exhale my breath at you a lot and tell you in a very confusing manner that we want to find a key! The reason why we need to find a drawer—ing of this key to begin with? You'll never get me to tell! But the key is important... so go find your own damn heading while I soil myself in rum, savvy?
Crew: Angry and wanting to mutineer... because of the lack of things that are... well how do I say correctly... SHINY!
END SCENE
Beckett's EVIL headquarters... or erm, a room office thing.
Beckett: Hello bitch!
Will: -- Um... I'm not anybody's bitch.
Beckett: Well, considering that you were used as a pawn in the first movie to help gain back a scallywag's beloved ship, exact revenge, the fact that you were also a wee little blacksmith that crafted swords that Mr. Brown got all the credit for, ... and also considering the outcome of this movie... then umm yeah, you're everybody's bitch, savvy?
Will: ...Stop saying savvy. That's not natural...
Writer: Oh Will! Haha! Always staying true and noble and honest.
Beckett: STFU. Anywhoo, you're going to get me the compass... but I guess I've already said that. BUT! Since I'm such a fantastically awesome guy, I'm going to give Sparrow, you, and your feminina full pardon if you do so, k?
Will: Because I love Elizabeth so much but really don't give two craps about Sparrow or myself, I am going to do it! I am going to take on an impossible task all for Elizabeth. In fact, I think I should break this desk into pieces and start carpentering a shrine for her. All hail Elizabeth!
Beckett: How nice... if only you weren't a blacksmith and a carpenter instead...
Will: Oh yes! Slaps table heartedly. What luck! What luck. Chuckle.
Beckett: Looks on at Will in mild disgust mixed with sexual angst. I'm totally going to get another chance to BURN Sparrow with my FLAME TORCH STICK!
Will: Wtf?...
END SCENE
Captain's Quarters
Jack: I like to play with protractors and compasses. Honestly! It's so much fun! It's like BATTLESHIP!
Audience: ...
Jack: Am I drunk again? Because that explains why the vodka is always gone... which was a joke in the actual movie and which is a total no-no in script parodies... Anywhoo! I must go find more vodka! BUAHA!
Vodka bottle: I have sand in me. Sorry dude.
Bootstrap Bill Turner: Jaaaaaack. Moan Oh yes! YES! JAAACK! Moaning ensues
Jack: Brown Boot? Wait no... Booty? Erm... BOOTSTRAP! Haha! I could never forget a moan like yours... smirk
Bootstrap: Jack, that's completely besides the pooiiiint. Davy Joooones has sent me to give you the blaaaack spoooot. Because guess what? Times ruuun ooouuutt. Oooooh!
Jack: You mean my thirteen years of being captain of the Black Pearl in exchange for my soul, that I totally just so happened to forget to mention in the first movie, is up! YOU MEAN THAT I HAVE TO BE A CREW MEMBER ON THE FLYING DUTCHMAN FOR 100 YEARS?
Boostrap: Erm, yeah. That's it.
Jack: Oh.
Bootstrap: I APPLY BLACK SPOT NOW!
Jack: Hey Booty, did you try and paint your nails blue and spill the whole bottle on your hand? bites both lipsholds breath ... ... ...BUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Bootstrap: ...
Audience: ...
Writer: ...
Jack: By the way, before you go, I just want to mention to you that your son Will is totally pirate-y now. I'm very experienced with your little Willy, if you know what I mean.
Jack prances about a bit and flounces his fingers and hair a bit more. Jack commands his ignorant crew to set sail for LAND. They lose Jack's hat along the way which ends up on a small fishing boat that ends up...
Foreign People Boat with Jack's Hat: SUCKED UNDER WATER!
END SCENE
Prison at Port Royal. Elizabeth and Will are nearly sucking face. Elizabeth is in the jail cell and Will prepares to go out and SAVE THE DAY by finding Sparrow. Governor Swann stands by.
Elizabeth: Be careful! Because I really deeply DO care about you and really honestly DON'T just want you for de-virginization. smiles eagerly Although, it would be nice if we could, you know, rough it up and tone down the gentle mushy puppy-eyed longing gazes! SO! In order to do that, I am going to shamelessly admit that I want to sex you up right here right now in front of my daddy.
Will: SHWEET! But no! What I really meant was... I will try to be safe and then I will rescue us and we'll get married and then have gentle teddy bear love. Because I'm waaay too noble and honest for that. D
END SCENE
After asking crazy pirates at Port Royal where the hell one very insignificant human being in relation to the entire world of trillions of people could be namely Jack Sparrow, Will chooses a location that happens to just be... exactly right.
MUSIC CRESCENDOS. PAN OVER ISOLATED TROPICAL ISLAND. ZOOM ON ANCHORED BLACK PEARL.
Guys, I started typing Poryal. What the heck is that? I believe it is a mix of Port, Royal, and Pearl. This is what happens when your mind is too involved with one thing. O.o Not recommended!
Will: Cool! Thanks for taking me to this island really cool guy!
Cool Guy Rowing Wee Boat: FOREIGNLANGUAGEiamnottakingyouanyfurtherFOREIGN!
Will: Not cool. -- Now I have to show everyone how I dive like a little bitch. Bitch dives into the SEA and swims to shore.
Despite how ponce-y I dive, I am going to distract you from thinking badly of me by showing off my hot manly wetness. Because now I'm wet... and hot. But MOST IMPORTANLY... noble. D
Parrot: ZOMG! Don't you freaking eat me! Or I'll peck your goddam eyes out! Remember that lil' boy who gotz his eyes all pecked the heck out in the beginning? Well that gonna be you!
Will: Chillax parrot, I am NOT going to eat you. I wonder if that could be foreshadowing what is going to unfold later in the plot! Hah! No. You crack me up William, you crack me up. slaps thigh
Will: Oh look! A random string in an isolated jungle! I wonder what it leads to... ...
BOO!
Scary Cannibal: Haha! I SCARE YOU!
Will gets foot trapped in a... trap... and goes flying in the air! Numerous scary painted cannibals surround him with noticeable stick weapons.
Will: Still upside down and hanging like a piñata over the cannibals. Raises sword to fight. Obviously out-numbered and very obviously going to LOSE...
Let's go! Come on! I could do this all day!
It sort of scares me about Will's character that I didn't even make those lines of his up...
Dart from Cannibal: ZIP INTO WILL'S NECK!
END SCENE
Will: Carried to the top of the mountain on Cannibal Island, Will lays motionless with his legs and feet tied around a big... long... stick.
Fangirls: Go wild! Orlando tied to a big... long... stick! ZOMGSOGOOD!
Will: Wakes up. Jack? Jack Sparrow! I can honestly say, this is something we have NEVER tried before. Kinky, no?
Jack: Gets out of throne looking very cannibal-decorated. Has that look on his face like he's trying to recall distant memories of the past... and something about sticks... Waves feathers around... much like a ponce, actually.
Will: JACK! Don't you remember! You asked me if I wanted to try the bondage stuff, and I wasn't really into it at the time, but heck... whatever was in that dart has got me feeling up to new things, if you know what I mean, you know? Don't you? ... Or did I just forget that I was way too noble for that kind of stuff. Oh crap I give up. wimper
Cannibals surround them.
Jack: Barseco! Long, peakee peakee. Long, mincey-wincey. Lons they say, Eunuch-kid. Snip snip.
Will: I AM NOT A EUNUCH! And of ALL people, Jack, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT! It's absolutely not cool, man. I don't go up to new friends and tell them you have crabs on your deck!
Jack: BALL-Licky-licky!
Cannibals: BALL-LICKY-LICKY!
And the sad part is, I'm not making that up either.
Will: ANGRYGRUMBLESnotaeunuchANGRY
Jack: Will,... just STFU and save me. --
END SCENE
END PART 1