SHARDS OF A BROKEN LIFE
By: Tezza1502
Rating: MA+ (Horror, supernatural, language and adult themes.)
Disclaimer: Anno and GAINAX own all things Evangelion. I just sneak in and change things about to suit myself, sometimes. No harm intended. I do not own 'The Matrix' or 'Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi' either. (You can never be too sure.)Audience participation time: Find out just where in the story the above allude too.
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Notes: This one started out as a chapter in another story I was working on. While the rest was, not to put too fine a point on it, weak rubbish, I kept coming back and adding to this. I couldn't leave it alone! Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it might just make a damn fine stand alone story about Asuka's journey back to consciousness during EoE, right before her big battle with the mass-produced EVAs. (Which is still the coolest battle in anime IMHO!) It's a hell of a lot darker than anything else I've tried, so beware!
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WARNING: Very coarse language and disturbing themes!
-Prologue-
SEELE had begun its battle to control humanity's destiny.
Misato: "If they're really after the EVA's, they will go after the pilots first! Tell Shinji to stand by in Unit-1. Got it!"
Aoba: "Roger."
Misato: "WHERES ASUKA!"
Hyuga: "She's still in recovery."
Misato: "Get her suited up and get her in Unit-2!"
Maya: "Asuka's barely conscious. There's no way she'll be able to synchronise."
Misato: "If they find her, they will kill her. If we put her in Unit-2, at least she will be safe."
Maya: "Understood." (Begins talking to hospital staff.) "Cease Pilots medical treatment and prepare her for launch."
Misato: "As soon as Asuka's in there, stow Unit-2 at the bottom of the lake. It's not the best hiding place, but it's better than the cage."
As the assault on NERV proceeded, Asuka Langley Sohryu was transferred to her EVA. It was concealed away from any conventional means of reaching it. Inside her mind, her consciousness drifted, uncaring of what fate had in store for her. Her core personality was truly ready to accept whatever lay ahead without a struggle.
However, all people are the sum of their emotional parts. And some of Asuka's parts were not as ready to roll over and die as she was . . .
Asuka awoke with no memory of how she had arrived at her current location or anything before she had gone to sleep. In fact, she had only the vaguest idea of who she was. Turning her attention inwards, she was aware of some significant gaps in her memory. After a minute, she decided to ignore that fact in favour of getting some answers about her present situation. Darkness surrounded her. There was no sound, no light, nothing. She turned around, looking for a point of reference. Anything to give her an idea of where she was.
"Okay. This is different. Where am I? Who did this to me? Is this some sort of joke?" No answer. "WHAT AM I DOING HERE?" She shouted into the shadows.
"We can answer that for you, at least." A bookish yet firm voice said.
"But we don't think your going to like the answers we give." This voice was stronger and even more confident. Cocky, even.
Asuka spun around towards the familiar sounding voices. Locating the owners was made easier by the two halos of light that appeared above them. She gaped as two different versions of herself walked over and stood in front of her, waiting for her to find her voice. She opened and shut her mouth a few times as she struggled to make sense of the situation. Finally, she spoke.
"Since I'm not completely dense, I'll venture a guess and say that I'm either dead, or having a weird dream."
"Close, but no cigar!" This version of her was dressed in a plug-suit. "You're just completely dense!" She chuckled nastily.
"Actually, you're comatose." Slightly younger looking, this one was wearing jeans, tee shirt and a leather jacket. Her Cherry-red doc's were shiny. "And we are going to try our very best to get you out of it!"
"Uh-huh. Right!" Asuka looked from one to the other, pinching herself.
"You're not trying hard enough. Here, let me have a go." EVA-Asuka took over pinching duties. She wasn't gentle.
"OW! Back off, bitch!" She jumped out of range. "I don't care if you are a part of me, or whatever. Do that again and I'll punch you into next week. Got it!" She yelled, rubbing her sore parts.
EVA-Asuka shrugged. "Hey, I'm not the one that thinks I can get out of this by pinching herself. Gonna have to work harder than that to get out of here and back into the real world, little girl." She leaned in, nose to nose. "So shut up and get busy!"
"Doing what!"
"Quite literally, pulling yourself together!" Uni-Asuka pushed her glasses up her nose. "And since we're the strongest parts of your personality, we got tapped on the shoulder to help you."
Asuka looked at her feet. "I'm not sure I want to." She said softly. "In here, I'm safe. Out there, it hurts."
The other two looked at each other, and back at her. "Get over it!" They yelled in unison.
Asuka continued looking down, not reacting.
"Christ! She sounds like that idiot, Shinji!" EVA-Asuka screwed up her face and concentrated hard. "Time for a bit of shock treatment."
Another pinpoint of light appeared, illuminating a hospital bed. In it, Asuka lay hooked up to some machines.
Uni-Asuka sighed. "Real subtle, kiddo."
"Lick me! This is just the kick in the pants she needs." They took up position on either side of the bed and looked down. "So, how about it, quitter. Wanna spend the rest of your existence in this bed, doing fuck all?" She leant in for her answer.
Only able to move her eyes, she flicked them from side to side wildly. 'What is this?' She thought at them.
"For now, this is how you are choosing to live." She glanced at her watch. "And if you don't make up your mind soon and pull yourself together, this is how you will see out the rest of your days."
"Tick-tock, tick-tock. Times a wasting."
"NO!" Asuka leapt out of the bed in a panic. "I haven't survived everything in my life so far to end up like this!"
The other two walked over to where she was pulling out needles and hyperventilating at the thought of her current fate. "Well, basic self preservation skills are still intact, at least. It's a start."
EVA-Asuka gave her a hard slap on the back. "Come on, you slacker. Now that you're up and about, keep going. Don't lose that momentum." Looking over to Uni-Asuka, she asked; "Well, what's the first stop on this magical mystery tour, huh?"
Consulting her clip board, Uni-Asuka decided they should head after 'rage', first. "That will get you a bit more motivated. In theory." She gave the emotional tabula rasa before her that was dressed in a hospital smock a doubtful look. "I hope!"
Later
The three of them moved through the darkness in silence, broken only by the occasional "shush"ing sounds from EVA-Asuka. Asuka tried to keep up with the other two, but soon fell behind due to exhaustion. Eventually, she stopped and demanded to know just when they were going to get wherever they were going.
"Hey, the quitter's talking again."
"Up yours, bitch!" She spat back.
Uni-Asuka stepped in between them. "Knock it off, both of you. Asuka, why are you taking so long?"
Asuka gave her a look of pure loathing. "What do you mean? My feet hurt and I'm tired from all this walking." She sat down and crossed her arms. "I'm not moving another inch until you tell me where we are going!"
"May I let her know now? Or would you rather continue this pointless prank a bit longer?" EVA-Asuka was curled up on the floor, giggling her ass off. She looked up long enough to give an affirmative wave. "Thank you." Turning to Asuka, Uni-Asuka began counting off fingers.
"1. This is your mind. Where we go in here is up to you, ultimately. 2. You don't need to walk here. Just let the environment flow around you. 3. You aren't tired, you just think you are. 4. Do you think that's air you're breathing? 5. You're a smart girl. Start thinking around your current problems; don't just butt your head against them!"
Fighting the strong desire to go over and kick the crap out of EVA-Asuka, Asuka turned her thoughts inward and tried to do as suggested.
"Okay, so I'm comatose. So something happened out there-" She waved vaguely upwards, "-to cause me to seek refuge in here. And I'm guessing whatever it was, was so traumatic it caused my personality to fragment." She looked up. "How am I doin' so far?"
"On the money."
"And looking at how you two appear to me, I'm going to say that you are my dominant personality traits, i.e.: My pride and my intellect. Correct?"
"Two for two, slugger."
"So, why can't I absorb you both, just by wanting it?"
"Like I'd allow myself to be absorbed by a weak, pathetic slip of a girl like you!" She snorted.
"Because, you're not ready or capable of it yet, Asuka." The other said kindly. "Heck, a short while ago, you wanted to stay in here, away from the rest of the world! Remember?" Putting her hands on Asuka's shoulders, she held eye contact with her Primary, trying to get her point across. "The idea is, you find and integrate the other broken and lost shards of yourself first. Then, you should be strong enough to cope with us." She looked over her shoulder at EVA-Asuka, who was staring back solemnly. "Or rather, the memories we carry within us."
"Which are?"
"Nuh-uh, kiddo! Not gonna be that easy. Your gonna have to earn this one!"
"And how do I go about that?" She asked testily.
"By becoming whole! Even then, it's a fifty-fifty chance we'll end up back in this same situation, later on. If we're lucky!" Uni-Asuka sighed. "Remember, your mind has shattered once, already."
"Fine! I'll pull myself together, then. I hate it when people hide things from me." She looked around. "So. Which way?"
A loud screech, followed by the sound of flesh meeting stone, came out of the darkness to their left.
"That way." The other two intoned.
"Great." Asuka said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm as they began walking towards whatever was making those horrible sounds.
They approached a wide stairway that led beneath the black surface they were walking on. Asuka began to slow down as the small group got closer to the opening. The other two grabbed an arm each and frog-marched their reluctant Primary down the stone staircase. Reaching the bottom, a heavy wooden door could be seen at the other end of the tunnel. Inside, something could be heard throwing itself repeatedly at the walls, desperate to escape. As they got closer, whatever it was stopped it's frantic movements and stared at them hungrily through the narrow window in the door. It was clothed in layers of filthy scraps of cloth. Blood, filth and drool was everywhere on the outer layers.
"What. The Fuck! Is THAT!" Asuka demanded, making sure to stay out of reach.
"That is your rage." Uni-Asuka said simply.
"Not pretty, is it?" A tone of faint disgust was evident in EVA-Asuka's voice.
"No. Fucking. Way. Is that thing, in any way, a part of me." She shuddered, denying recognition.
"Sorry, kiddo, but it is a part of you. The worst part. The part that lashes out without thinking." EVA-Asuka turned away from the sight. "Most people just have anger in them. But you? Yours became so extreme, it split. Some of it resides in me. My part can be used by you to push you on and reach great heights. You use it to achieve your goals. But that?" She nodded over your shoulder. "That uses you!" She spat. "Every time you can't contain yourself, you let that out of its cage. It is nothing but base instinct! And for someone who prides herself on being in control, you've let that . . . thing, own you far too many times. It's pathetic!"
Unable to deny the truth in her words, Asuka said weakly, "How am I supposed to make that a part of me again? It looks like it wants to eat me! How do I do this?"
The sound of a key being turned brought their attention back to the door, which was now open. Uni-Asuka stepped back out of the way. "Let's find out!"
"Oh shit!" Her rage roared and charged Asuka, bowling her over. She landed underneath it, desperately trying to keep its talons away from her face.
"WHAT I WANT, I TAKE! WHAT I TAKE, I KEEP! IF I DON'T WANT IT, IT'S NOT WORTH HAVING!" It yelled in her face.
"Do I really sound that bad?" Asuka asked, rhetorically.
"Yes!" They both answered quickly.
"Oh, shut-up!" She yelled at them as she tried to concentrate while fending off her dark side. "Hey! That's it!" She squealed, remembering something. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. Slowly exhaling, she stopped fighting. As her rage wrapped its hands around her throat, she reached out and pulled it closer to her. It leaned in and kept going. The rage dissolved into light and became part of Asuka again. After absorbing all of it, she took another long breath and sat up. "Hunh? It worked!"
"What worked?" Uni-Asuka asked with honest curiosity.
"Just something I flashed on, from my psych unit at college. Something about by accepting my emotions, I can focus and control them."
"Nice idea! Pity you don't practice it in real life." EVA-Asuka snorted. "We'd be running Tokyo-3 by now if you did."
"Hey, up yours! I just nailed my own rage. And pretty damn easily, too!" Asuka pouted.
Facing her and giving her a very condescending glare, EVA-Asuka retorted. "And I'll bet your not wondering just why it was so easy to absorb." Walking over, she looked her Primary in the eye and whispered. "It didn't want to hurt you. It wanted to come home. Where it could be warm, and cherished, and given free reign, whenever it wanted." Leaning in, she continued, "There is no cage for it, in your mind. No locks. Just a revolving door and no leash." Seeing Asuka shake her head in denial at her words, she rammed her message home, without mercy. "A great part of the reason we are in this situation is because of what you just took into yourself, and the freedom you allow it. If you had exercised greater control over it in the past, we wouldn't be here." Stepping back, she made a final point. "You want to feel proud of something? You want me back inside you?" Asuka nodded. "Take responsibility for your past actions, pull yourself together and get out of here! No more farting around and feeling sorry for yourself!"
"Okay. That's enough. You've made your point." Uni-Asuka butted in as she led the others back up the stairs and away from the dungeon.
"I hope so." EVA-Asuka gave Asuka a sharp stare. "I don't want to have to go through this crap twice!"
"Me neither." Asuka said, shakily. "Damn, no wonder I give people the shits!"
"Let it go! Now! I've found where we are going next. Come on!" Uni-Asuka pointed to a small room in the distance. "In there."
Walking towards it, Uni-Asuka stopped when she noticed EVA-Asuka was no longer with them. "Where'd she go?" She turned in a slow circle.
"Like I care. She is more than capable of taking care of herself." Asuka retorted.
A squeal, followed by scuffling noises, came from the darkness.
"Stop struggling! It's for your own good!" EVA-Asuka joined them again, dragging a pitiful looking wretch behind her. Throwing it down in front of Asuka, she demanded. "Here. Absorb that before it scurries off again!"
"What is it?" Asuka looked at the shivering wreck at her feet.
"Your fear." Uni-Asuka answered.
Asuka looked up sharply at that. "I am not afraid of anything, thank you very much!" She snarled.
"You wish!"
Even Uni-Asuka gave Asuka a look that said, 'Don't be stupid!' "Everyone has fear in them. It's a natural, healthy part of your emotional makeup. It keeps you alive. It makes you slow down and think about things before you do them."
"And yours has a key to your rage. Every time you come up against something you feel even slightly uncomfortable with, you fear lets your rage out to make it go away." EVA-Asuka nudged the fear with a toe. "So, absorb the bloody thing and let's keep moving."
Reluctantly admitting to herself that they hadn't steered her wrong yet, she knelt down and did as she was told. Her fear whimpered as she touched it. Concentrating on remembering what she had done before, she felt another part of herself slip back into place. Opening her eyes, she got up and brushed herself off. "Done."
"Not yet! There's one more you have to take care of, close by." She growled, searching the nearby darkness.
"Yessssss. TakE CaRe of mE, AsUka! FEEd mE, AsUka. KeEp mE CLosE. NuRturE mE. MaKe mE STRONG!"
"Oh fuck me, not her!" Uni-Asuka started shaking uncontrollably. "Not now!"
"ThAt waSn't vEry nIce, yoU kNow. SeParaTing mE FrOm tHe FEar! IT sHoWs mE WheRe to gO aNd wHat I hAve to Do."
"Prepare yourself, Asuka! This is quite possibly the toughest thing you'll have to face in here." Taking up a fighting stance, EVA-Asuka put herself between 'it' and Asuka.
"What is it?" She asked, thoroughly unnerved by the actions of the other two.
"No nEEd tO Be CoY, AsUkA. WE kNow EAch oTheR oF OLD!" A small doll, with red stringy hair and red button eyes, walked into view. Its dress was the colour of blood. It looked up and waved at her in a friendly manner.
Asuka's eyes went wide with fear and memory. "Nononononononononono!" She screamed as she fell to her knees in despair. The memories flashed behind her eyes. There was no way to hide from them. Not in here.
FLASH Her mother, Kyoko Sohryu, hugging the doll as if it was her own child.
FLASH Her mother talking to and comforting the doll as she used to Asuka.
FLASH Her mother, swinging from a noose in her hospital room. The doll beside her. Joining her in death.
"Yes, AsUka! It's mE. I HiDe in FeArs sHadoW, uRginG it on. EVery DarK thOught You oWn. EVerY piEce of seLf-pitY. EvEry tHougHt of seLf HatRed yoU poSSess. THey Are miNe!" It advanced on her. "As YOU aRe MiNe!"
"Like hell she is!" EVA-Asuka moved in to kick it, stomp it, whatever it took to subdue Asuka's self-loathing.
The doll flicked it's wrist at Pride lightly and she hurtled away into the darkness. "SilLY pRidE. YoU cAn baREly holD mE in cheCK wHen we aRe OnE! YoU haVE no cHanCe, nOW."
Looking to her intellect, Asuka pleaded, "Can't you do anything?"
Uni-Asuka didn't stir from the foetal position she had curled up in.
"I caN. I am All yoU havE eVEr neEDed, AsUka. LeT us bE One liKe ThIs. AnD wE caN staY liKe ThIs, FOREVER!" It advanced on her, reaching out. One touch is all it would take.
"NO! I DENY THIS! I DO NOT WANT THIS!" Asuka roared in desperation.
"Too laTe! YoUr miNe!" It cackled in glee.
"i don't think I like you. your mean." Came a small voice from the shadows. "i think you should go away. you're not wanted here." A searching beam of winding light came out from the voices' direction. "go away. now."
The beam lanced down and engulfed the doll in a white flame. "NO! I waS sO cLosE!" It cried as it was reduced down to a glowing red ball the size of a marble. It mewled once and fell silent.
Asuka crawled over to her intellect was laying and gave her a slap. "Fat lot of good, you were!"
Uni-Asuka rolled over and rubbed where she had been hit. "Like you did any better."
"hello. are you two ladies okay?" The small voice asked.
"Yeah, we're fine. Just a little shook up."
"Speak for yourself! I need a change of panties after that one!" EVA-Asuka stated as she walked into the light, holding the hand of their apparent saviour.
"hello!" She waved.
Asuka stared for a moment, before venturing a guess. "I'm gonna go with 'innocence'."
"Bingo." EVA-Asuka bent down and scooped the Young Asuka up in her arms. Settling her against her hip, she tweaked the younger girl's nose playfully.
"Did she-?" Uni-Asuka shook her head, trying to focus. "How did you-?"
The little girl laughed. It was a pure sound with a total lack of malice in it.
"no, silly. that wasn't me." She pointed to Asuka. "it was another part of her." Stroking and playing with EVA-Asuka's hair, she looked for the door they were all heading towards, before things had gone pear-shaped. "she wants you to go in there, before she will allow you to come to her. she says it's necessary."
"I'm not sure I can face any more parts of myself like that!" Asuka complained.
"don't worry! there are only good things in there." Young Asuka frowned, slightly. "just not a lot of them." Indicating she wanted to be put down, Young Asuka gave EVA-Asuka a brief hug and went over to Asuka. Taking her hand, she led them towards the door.
"Bout time I came across the better parts of my nature." Asuka complained. "I was getting worried."
"You alright?" Uni-Asuka asked EVA-Asuka. "You got tossed around pretty hard."
"I'm fine. I bounced. It takes a lot more than the likes of her to hurt me!"
"Sorry I freaked out on you, back there."
"It's okay. I know what effect she has on you."
"Thanks." Watching the other two head for the door, something about that light occurred to her. "Do you think . . .? After all this time . . . ?"
"That she's found a way to escape? I hope so. I miss her. And if you tell anyone I said that, I'll-"
"Don't worry; your secret is safe with me."
They both had a giggle over the absurdity of that statement.
Asuka and the little girl arrived at the door. Trying the handle, they found that it was almost rusted shut. "Guys. A little help here?"
EVA-Asuka snorted at the door. "This ones all yours. You know my opinion about what's in there."
Sigh) "All to well, I'm afraid." Uni-Asuka marched up and gave the door a mighty kick, sending it flying into the room beyond. Asuka and the Young Asuka peered in, cautiously.
"What is this room? Why is it so musty?"
"Because what's in here doesn't get used much, that's why!" She retorted, crossly.
Young Asuka felt around inside until she found a switch. Flicking it on, the weak light it gave illuminated an empty room, with only a single rack at the other end. On it were small sealed jars filled with faintly glowing balls.
"What are they?" Asuka asked.
"things you don't use much." Young Asuka replied, ambiguously.
"Huh?"
Uni-Asuka walked over and started reading labels out loud. "Compassion. Mercy. Pity. Humility." She turned and tossed one at her primary. "You know, the emotions you won't allow yourself to show others, for fear of appearing weak." Her voice grew louder and more contemptuous. "Are you getting it, yet? Do you want me to read some more out for you?" She turned back to the rack. "Friendliness. Humour. And by that I mean the playful, gentle type. Not your normal cruel streak. Want me to keep going? There's plenty of other repressed emotions here." Uni-Asuka was almost in tears by now. Tears of frustration caused by years of lost opportunities.
"locked in this room is everything you don't want to show the world. all the emotions that would allow you to be closer to others, and allow them closer to you. everything you think that makes you weak. everything that would allow you to reach your full potential." Little Asuka wore an expression of infinite sadness.
Asuka was not impressed. "So what! I've done quite well without them, so far. Why do I need them?"
"Right on!" Came from outside the room.
"Oh SHUT-UP, you!" Uni-Asuka spun back to Asuka. She began gesturing wildly with her hands. "Oh yes, you've done an absolutely fucking wonderful job without them, haven't you! No friends! No family! No one who gives a rats-arse about whether you live or die! Fucking brilliant job! And need I remind you that your bloody comatose right now because of that stubborn, selfish, prideful attitude of yours, you stupid c---!"
Everyones jaw was on the floor by now. Little Asuka had covered her ears at the first sign of swearing and was humming loudly to block out the sound.
"Hey, is that sort of language really necessary?" Asuka said, defensively.
"I agree. And she's got a point, y'know. We've done pretty good, so far-MMPH!" EVA-Asuka suddenly found herself wrapped from head to toe in bandages, effectively silencing her. Unable to keep her balance, she toppled over.
"That's enough out of you for the moment, I think." Uni-Asuka angrily finished the hand gesture she had made towards Pride and turned back to Asuka. "Asuka, when I think of what we could achieved if you'd only get over your damn superiority complex, I honestly weep!" Seeing the look of diss-belief and contempt at the very idea on her Primary's face, Uni-Asuka screamed in frustration. "You know what? Fuck it! I give up! Just absorb the bloody things so we can move on!"
Asuka was about to argue further with herself about doing that, when Little Asuka tugged on her arm. "it's okay. what's in these bottles are only shadows of the full emotions. they are kept elsewhere. go on." She urged.
"Fine!" Asuka was unable to refuse those big, blue, pleading eyes staring up at her. "What-ever!" Grumbling, she set about her task. She reached for the first jar and set about working the lid off. "God, the symbology of this room is so ridiculously obvious! I thought I was more sophisticated than that!" She scoffed as she reached in.
While she did that, Uni-Asuka went over to EVA-Asuka and began to unwrap her. Being gentle about it was not a high priority. "Thanks for nothing, you pain in the arse!"
"Back at you, little miss potty mouth!" EVA-Asuka retorted as soon as her mouth was unbound. "What was that for?"
Uni-Asuka stopped and stared down at her. "Are you kidding? Do you want us to end up back in this situation again?"
"No." She said sullenly, avoiding the others eye.
"Well, the best way to avoid that is to get her to become whole. Truly whole, not just the patchwork she was before. If she doesn't absorb everything she meets here, it will stay repressed inside her sub-conscious. She won't come to terms with it or deal with it."
"That would be why she left her self-loathing lying back there, huh."
"She did? Damn! And there's no way we'll be able to talk her into going back for it and absorbing it. Not now. Shit!" She continued to swear at her lack of attention as she finished her task. "I am so screwing this up."
"No, your not. It was always going to be a bastard of a job. We just have to fix what we can and hope for the best." EVA-Asuka soothed with uncommon kindness.
Uni-Asuka gave her a confused look. "What brought this on?"
"What! Can't I be nice, for once? "She looked uncomfortable. "Like you said, we don't want to end up back here, doing all this again, do we." Uni-Asuka continued to look at her, skeptically. "Alright! Alright! Asuka just absorbed some compassion and I got a jolt of it. Satisfied?"
"Absolutely!" Uni-Asuka replied with a smug grin. It faded as she took note of how the surrounding area had changed in the last few minutes. Bars had begun to appear at random intervals. "When did this start?"
"I don't know? I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice."
"Asusual, you're about as helpful as rubber crutches!" Uni-Asuka went over and touched one.
"What does it feel like?"
"Something very familiar." She concentrated, focusing on the sensations she was receiving through her fingers. Her eyes flew wide as understanding dawned. "Thought so." She whispered as she let go.
"Care to share?"
"No. Grab Asuka. Our next destination is nearby." EVA-Asuka reluctantly went over to the doorway to see if they were done yet. She muttered under her breath about being kept in the dark about the important things.
"Okay, I'm finished in there. What's the big hurry?" Asuka noticed the bars as she walked out. "And who's been redecorating?" Young Asuka shied away from them; as if afraid they would contaminate her.
"You have." Uni-Asuka said, tersely. "You've been putting these bars in place for a very long time." She knelt down on one knee in front of Young Asuka. Putting a hand up to brush the little girl's cheek lightly, she smiled sympathetically as she whispered. "How do you want to do this? I know how much they frighten you, but she may not follow me once she realises where I am leading her. And Pride won't be much help, either. So, the choice is up to you." She gave the girl a helpless look. "Sorry to put it on your shoulders, but . . . "
"that's alright.i was told by her to expect this." The child shuddered. Looking over at Asuka, she continued. "but, she needs to see her. and maybe she will finally set her free once she sees what she has done to her."
Uni-Asuka pulled her into a tight hug. "Then you have more faith in our Primary than I do." Letting her go, she stood up and faced the others. "Right! Asuka, 'Innocence' is going to lead you through these bars. We are going to be following close you so try and not get too far ahead of us, okay?"
"Um, sure. Where are we going?" Asuka asked as Little Asuka took her hand and began leading her forward, very carefully.
"Hey, it's your mind. You figure it out." Ignoring the frustrated look she got from her Primary, Uni-Asuka clamped a hand around EVA-Asuka's upper arm and made her wait until the others started making their way into the maze of bars.
"And we are bringing up the rear because . . ." EVA-Asuka tried to retrieve her arm, unsuccessfully.
"Because if Asuka figures out where she is being taken and tries to bolt, you and I will need to see where she runs off to and bring her back there. No matter what." Uni-Asuka's tone left no room for argument.
A light went on in EVA-Asuka's head. "You mean, we are going to her!" Her voice was a curious mix of dread and excitement at the prospect.
"Yup!" Uni-Asuka almost started skipping at the idea of seeing her after so long.
"Oh, joy."
Up ahead, Asuka finally became aware that Little Asuka was being very cautious in not making any sort of contact with the bars as they followed the narrow winding path in front of them. Watching the little girl shy away from them as she led Asuka along slowly, she finally asked what her problem was.
"i can't touch the bars." The little girl said in a frightened tone.
Confused, Asuka put her hand on one. "Why not? They aren't hot, or painful, or anything."
"to you, they are familiar. you made them, after all. to me, they hurt more than the worst pain you could think of." Little Asuka let go of Asuka suddenly, not wanting even second-hand contact with them.
"Why?" Asuka was really confused by now. How could a part of her mind hurt another part?
"What's the hold up?" Uni-Asuka asked as they caught up. Looking down at the young girl who was almost in tears at being in such close proximity to the bars, understanding came instantly.
"i'm sorry!i thoughi could do it buti can't. it hurts too much." She sniffled as Uni-Asuka engulfed her in a hug. She stroked her hair and made sympathetic noises.
"Shhh! It's okay honey. No-ones blaming you. You tried your best." Leaning back, she swept some hair out of the younger versions eyes. "Heck, I'm proud of you for getting this far!"
"thanks." Rubbing her eyes, Little Asuka snuggled back into the warm embrace. "this is nice. gosh,i miss being hugged."
"Yeah kiddo, so do I." Asuka and EVA-Asuka both flinched at the glare they got from Uni-Asuka. "So do I."
"could you lead the rest of the way? i'm too scared to do this anymore. it hurts too much."
"How? I don't know the way. And what about you?"
Little Asuka waved at the other Asukas and took a deep breath. "you'll see!" She said impishly as she let it out slowly. As she exhaled, she began to dissolve into Uni-Asuka.
As the sparkles of light and emotion flowed into her, she brought her arms in tight, wrapping them around herself and giggling at the sensations caused by absorbing Asuka's innocence. Finally, she stood up and beconed the others to follow her. A small, playful smile could be seen still teasing her lips.
As the other two fell into step behind her, Asuka whispered to EVA-Asuka her earlier question. "So, what are these bars?"
"Dunno! Ask her." She nodded towards their guide. "She seemed to recognise them when we came out of the room, before."
Before she could put the question, however, Uni-Asuka answered without turning her head. "These bars are your self-control, Asuka. They are the iron will you have used throughout most of your life. They are the physical representation of the control you once had over your mind. The reason they caused your 'innocence' so much pain is that she is a free spirit, the 'you' that existed before our mother . . . went away. They are an anathema to her, as much as she is to them. They/you are eager to contain her. To bring her under control. The same way they have this!"
At those words, they walked out into a small clearing filled with bright light. Squinting as they adjusted their eyes, the first thing they noticed was a cage in the centre of the area. All the bars they had been walking through seemed to spread from this cage. Branching out like the roots of a mighty tree, reaching out in every direction. Inside the cage was a figure sitting atop a small mound of grass. Flowers grew around her feet and large, multi-coloured butterflies danced in the air above her head. Light flowed into the cage from above her, bathing her in a warm glow and igniting her strawberry-red hair. The woman's head hung low as she focused on picking at the hem of her dress, which was the colour of the sun. An air of melancholy was heavy in the atmosphere. Every now and again, one of the butterflies would come too close to the bars. If they passed between them, all the colour would fade from their wings and they would fall to the floor, lifeless.
"Oh, crap!" EVA-Asuka said weakly as she turned to depart the room. Noticing that Uni-Asuka had taken up position at the only exit and was looking at her in such a way that promised great pain if she tried to run from this, her shoulders slumped in defeat. "No chance of me not being here for the next few minutes, is there, huh?" Uni-Asuka shook her head. "Bugger."
Asuka dragged her attention from the occupant of the cage and noticed the antics of the other two. "Hey, guys! Which part of me is this? And why is she locked up?"
"Asuka, I am not surprised that you do not recognise who that is. Considering just how long you have kept her hidden away in here, I'm not surprised at all." Uni-Asuka walked over and put her hands on her Primary's shoulders, spinning her around to face the woman. "That, is your heart!" She gave Asuka a hearty push towards the centre of the room. "Go on, get re-aquainted! It's been a long time since you two were this close to each other. You must have lots to talk about." She returned to her position blocking the exit, making sure that neither Asuka didn't make a run for it.
Asuka stopped her forward motion a good couple of metres away from the bars. "You're kidding, right? Why are you getting cranky about this? Besides, in here, it can't be hurt by anyone. What's the problem?" She shrugged, thoroughly confused at the attitude of her intellect.
(SIGH) "The problem, you idiot, is that with her locked away like this, you will never get close to anyone! You will never know love, or what it is to be loved! And no-one will love you. At least, not in a good way."
Asuka crossed her arms over her chest. "SO WHAT! I don't need anyone! I can get along by myself just fine, thank you."
"Oh yeah, doing a great job so far." EVA-Asuka spat, astonishing the other two. "In a coma. All alone. And the only person who has ever really tried to get close to us is that spineless baka, Shinji! Great fucking job." She began to clap slowly.
"Oh, don't tell me you agree with her on this! I thought you were on my side!" Asuka fumed at this apparent betrayal by her pride.
"I am. Most of the time." A wistful expression came over her face. "But I am getting sick of being lonely all the time. I want someone to hold me and say that I am special. I want to be remembered by people as someone other than a selfish bitch!"
Behind them, unnoticed, Asuka's heart looked up and began to take notice of the conversation.
"I want . . . to be with people. To not have to stand apart from everyone. To not be alone." EVA-Asuka looked sheepishly at Uni-Asuka. "Because, unfortunately, pride will only get you so far."
Uni-Asuka looked back at her with undisguised astonishment. "Holy shit! I don't believe you just admitted that! I've been waiting years to hear you say those words." She started doing a happy-dance. "Haleluiah!"
"Oh, shut-up, smartarse!" EVA-Asuka began blushing from her ears to her toes at intellects reaction.
A snort brought their attention back to Asuka. "That's really great, y'know, that you've had that epiphany and all." She commented with as much sarcasm as she could. "But I am not absorbing that!" She pointed behind her. "It's safer where it is. And that's my final word on the subject." She huffed and turned her nose up in defiance. When they didn't say anything in response, she opened an eye and looked at them. They were both backing away slowly while focusing on something over her shoulder. As she spun around to see what was causing this reaction in her other selves, her eyes went wide.
Her heart had moved to the side of the cage that was closest to them and was beconing through the bars at Asuka. Her expression was one of longing and sadness. She motioned for Asuka to step closer.
Asuka was having none of it. She turned to bolt for the exit when suddenly, the same bands of light that had saved them before wrapped around her waist and arms. She pleaded with her other selves to help her get away as she was slowly drawn back towards her heart.
"Why?"
"It's for your own good."
Swearing at them in three different languages, she froze when she felt a hand on her shoulder. The bands of light encircling her made her face that part of herself that she had locked away so long ago, in a hospital room half way around the world.
Asuka's heart reached out to the struggling girl. Her hand lingered in front of her face, the fear and rage radiating off the girl giving her pause. Then, determined to at least try and get through to her Primary, she reached through the bars and brushed Asuka's face tenderly.
CONTACT
sunny days warming my skin in the morning and the sound of rain on the roof and having a hot chocolate after spending the morning playing in the snow back home and sharing a smile with Hikari and sleeping in on the weekend and peppermint ice-cream and getting a hug from mama before she got sick and swimming and talking with Kaji and curling up under the covers on a cold night and playing video games and German food proper German food like big fat sausages the way they are supposed to be not those thin anemic ones that Shinji brings home sometimes and Shinji that annoying boy spineless baka hentai even if he has saved my life time after time and never wanted anything in return but my friendship Shinji is annoying Shinji is weak Shinji has the softest lips Shinji has my first kiss Shinji has a beautiful smile Shinji who I want-
NO!
BREAK
Asuka wrenched herself away from the touch of her heart, sobbing loudly at the thoughts she had experienced. The emotions she had denied herself for so long. "Oh Mien Gott! What have I done to myself?" She cried as she lay curled up on the ground. The other two knelt by her side, offering what comfort they could.
"What you thought best to survive at the time, kiddo." Her Pride said kindly.
"Now, it's time to learn another way. Otherwise, you will never leave this void that you have created inside your mind. Not completely." Her Intellect added, silently praying to herself that their primary had finally gotten the message.
Her heart had resumed her position at the centre of the cage. She had once again begun looking down and playing with her hem, so no one noticed the small bit of hope on her face.
"Get me OUT of here!" Asuka demanded in a shaky voice as she tried to calm herself. EVA-Asuka looked to Uni-Asuka for confirmation before helping the girl climb to her feet and leave. Uni-Asuka was about to walk out when something made her turn back. She found Asuka's Heart looking at her, so she smiled.
"I hope it's enough, that you two have touched for the first time in over ten years. I hope she remembers how to find her way back to you, in the future. For all our sakes."
The woman in the cage returned the smile with one that was full of the hope she felt.
While the journey inwards was full of twists and dead ends, the walk out was very short and in a straight line. This surprised no-one.
"Okay you conniving bitches! Any more surprises for me?" Asuka had herself under control once again.
"Um, I can't think of anyone we missed." Uni-Asuka sucked on a strand of hair, racking her brain. "You?"
"Just one." EVA-Asuka groaned as a thought hit her. "That skank should be around here, somewhere. When trouble happens, she's either caused it or is not to far away."
"You wouldn't be talking about little old me now, would you?" A mature yet flirty voice floated over to them. "Is that any way to talk about such an integral part of ourselves! I mean, really! You might give our primary the wrong idea about me!"
Into their shared light came Asuka as she may well grow up to look. Standing at about six foot tall, she easily dominated the small gathering, physically. Dressed in a shimmering green gown, the light played off the sparkles in the material. Her hair was done up in a complicated swirl of curls and emeralds that showed off her elegant features perfectly. Her figure was, not to put too fine a point on it, spectacular! She was, in essence, Asuka Langley Sohryu in her wildest dreams. This wasn't too far from the truth.
EVA-Asuka sniffed and introduced her. "Asuka, meet your Ego and Sex Appeal."
Asuka actually squirmed. "Um . . . hi." She gave a small wave.
"Now, now. No need to be shy." She tut-tutted. "We are going to get along just fine, the two of us. We can wait here and let these two-" She indicated the others with a small wave, "find whatever it is your looking for while you and I get to know each other better." Wrapping her arm around Asuka's shoulder, she started to guide her away from the others.
Asuka was fast becoming spellbound by this ultimate ideal of herself. Knowing that if this facet got its hooks into her they would spend the rest of their existence listening to maybes and could-have-beens without any hope of a future, EVA-Asuka conjured a baseball bat. Tip-toeing up behind her, she lined up the impressive hairdo.
CLUNK
"Nice shot!" Uni-Asuka complemented her.
"Thanks. Been wanting to do that for ages." EVA-Asuka nudged the Ego with a toe. Slinging the bat over her shoulder, she nodded to Asuka. "Right! She's all yours."
"Um, why did you K.O. her?" Asuka shook her head as if coming out of a daze.
"Because all she would have done is distract you from getting out of here."
"Or talked you into doing something really stupid, like giving over primary control to her." She shuddered. "Either that, or blathered on endlessly about Kaji until you want to puke! I mean, we all like the guy, don't get me wrong. But there comes a point in an hour-long monologue about how great he is when you just want to strangle that cow!" Pride's hands twitched in memory of some of the more . . . unforgettable speeches she had endured.
"Oh! Okay." Asuka knelt down and reached out. A shimmer of pale green sparkles later she stood up. "That it? That all of them?"
"Pretty much all the majors. The rest should slip back into place after you wake up."
"Goody! That means it's your turn now." She looked at the other two greedily, well and truly ready for this weird experience to end. "Come on! Come home to Asuka!" She held her arms out towards them, making 'come on' motions with her hands.
The other two looked at each other in resignation. "No getting around it, is there?"
"No. Unfortunately."
Asuka bounced on her heels impatiently. "Hurry up! I wanna get out of here!"
They both turned on her. "Oh, SHUT-UP!" They looked at each other and nodded. Stepping close, EVA-Asuka and Uni-Asuka embraced.
"See you around, you stubborn bitch."
"Back at you, you prissy know-it-all."
And they became one.
Turning to Asuka, they asked if she was ready for her full memories.
"Hell yeah!"
"Okay." Wrapping their arms around her, they gave one final warning: "This is going to hurt. Lots!"
Before Asuka could react to that statement, they joined.
And all the blocked memories flooded back into her in one giant tsunami.
Everything she had done. All the choices she had made. Every decision, from hating Shinji at first sight to lying naked in a bathtub and slitting her wrists when she could no longer synch with her EVA.
EVERYTHING!
"NO! I AM ASUKA LANGLEY SOHRYU!"
The world inside her mind writhed with torturous abandon, as all the thoughts she had spent a lifetime burying and hiding from herself erupted from the surrounding darkness to engulf her.
"I CAN NOT BE DEFEATED!"
Suddenly, the thing she loathed the greatest, the sight she feared the most, that DOLL, which had grown to EVA size, rose up from the broken ground beneath her feet and picked her up and cradled her small form in it's arms. Rocking her from side to side for a moment, it raised her up and looked at her lovingly, before ripping its chest open and stuffing Asuka inside. "Now, your mine!" It roared as it sewed itself up. Asuka tried to shriek, but every time she opened her mouth, it filled with wadding. With the last of her strength, she spat it out and screamed:
"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"
And outside her mind, inside her Evangelion, something responded to her plea . . .
-The End-
Notes: Yeah yeah, I know. Sucky ending. Anyone who has taken the time to read my other one-shots will have noticed that this is a recurring problem with me. Damnit, why can't I be more like DigiFruit! (ALL HAIL DIGIFRUIT! LORD OF THE WAFF! MASTER OF THE ONE-SHOT!) As far as I know, no-one else has gone into so much detail about Asuka's return from being comatose. If I'm wrong, feel free to enlighten me. I'm always curious. Well, you all know the drill! Review!
More Notes: When I was writing this, I changed the fonts for the dialogue of a few characters on my computer. Specifically, I used 'Matisse ITC' for Asuka's self-loathing, 'Kristen ITC' for Little Asuka and 'Tempus sans ITC' for Asuka's heart when she made contact. I felt it added that something extra to the visual aspect of telling this story. So, if you download this story, put it in that way, if you like. It looks really cool on Works or WordPad!