Unless You Mean It
by Ever A Mystery
Author's Note: If this story looks familiar (though I doubt it will), that's because I once posted it a long, long time ago while using a different name. If you did read this story way back when and enjoyed it, I hope you'll still like it just as much. And if not, I hope that you'll enjoy it just the same.
Note #2: This story is Sirius/Remus slash. If you dislike slash or dislike this particular pairing, I politely request that you skip this story. Thanks.
Remus Lupin.
Seventeen-year-old Remus Lupin knew before he even walked into Charms that his good friends Sirius and James were up to something. He could hear the cheering and clapping of the other students as he climbed the stairs of Ravenclaw Tower. Either class was canceled, he thought, or James and Sirius are right in the middle of this. The latter suspicion turned out to be true: when Remus entered the classroom, he saw Sirius leaning James backward over Professor Flitwick's desk, giving him a scorcher of a kiss as the other students egged them on. Remus only shook his head, smiled and took his seat next to Peter Pettigrew. Very little those two did surprised him anymore.
"Aren't they insane?" Peter laughed, nudging Remus in the ribs. "I could never do something like that, not even on a dare!"
But the other students weren't in on the real joke. Only James, Peter and Remus knew that Sirius really was gay.
Before Remus could say anything, Sirius glided to his side, put his arm around him and said huskily, "I've got one for you, too, if you want it. All you have to do is ask," as he flashed his most charming grin. His long, jet-black hair tickled Remus's cheek, which made Remus tense.
Remus reached around, lifted Sirius's arm from his shoulders and said, "Don't kiss me unless you mean it. Not everyone at Hogwarts falls for a pretty face alone." He kept his tone playful even though he meant the words. Although he did like girls, he was fond of boys as well, and he knew that Sirius was only teasing him.
He'd seen how sexy Sirius liked to toy with "curious" boys, always promising what he would never deliver, and Remus preferred not to play along. For one thing, he was less impetuous than Sirius and James and didn't find much humor in it. For another, Sirius had been playing this game with him ever since that day two years ago when Remus confessed to his three best friends -- Sirius, James and Peter -- that he was bisexual. It was difficult for Remus to tell whether Sirius sought to include him in the joke or to make him its latest victim, and he didn't want to risk it either way.
There were other reasons, too, but Remus preferred not to think about them, especially not right now. When he did, it was too hard for him to smile.
Sirius pouted. "Tease."
Remus laughed. "Flirt."
"Let him do it!" James interjected. He was sitting on the teacher's desk, swinging his long legs over the edge and pushing his glasses up on his nose. "He's a damn good kisser!"
More snickers from the class.
"Good morning," Professor Flitwick said brightly as he walked into the room. James jumped off the desk, took a sweeping bow and went to his seat. Remus knew Flitwick was trying his best to give James a disapproving scowl, but as usual, he just shook his head and tried to hide his smile. "Today's lesson should be interesting. We'll be working on Gravity Charms."
Remus didn't really hear the rest of the professor's discourse. He was too busy convincing himself that Sirius's flirtation with him was just as meaningless as it was with every other boy or girl at Hogwarts who looked Sirius's way.
He doesn't mean it, Remus told himself as he watched James scribble down a note and pass it to Sirius while Professor Flitwick wasn't looking. And it's probably James he wants, not me. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy to convince his heart.
Sirius Black.
Sirius unfolded the note that James had just passed to him. It read:
"You've got it bad for Moony, don't you?"
Sirius stuck the note in the back of his textbook, grinned and cheerfully gave James an obscene gesture. But, as usual, his friend was right: he had had a crush on Remus Lupin since they were eleven years old. His feelings only became more intense as their friendship deepened, and they reached a new high when Remus revealed that he was attracted to men. Since that day two years ago, Sirius had pursued him as best he knew how -- which was rather strange for him, since he was typically the one being pursued.
You sure as hell don't make it easy, Moony. Sirius thought, sneaking a glance at the object of his affections. Remus's hazel eyes were fixed intently on his open textbook and paying him no mind at all. I could have nearly any girl and at least half the boys in this school... but not the one that I really want.
On and off for the last two years, Sirius had tried everything: love notes ("You're hot. Wanna do it?"), innuendoes, blatant flirting. But Remus never gave him the slightest hint of encouragement, not even the smallest sign of temptation. In fact, he only told Sirius to "Stop, unless you mean it," just as he had today.
Sirius always balked at those words when he heard them from Remus's lips. No one else expected that much of him; his admirers often swooned if he deigned to grant them a wink or a smile. But those words -- unless you mean it -- asked for so much more. Sirius wasn't certain that he was quite ready to make such a promise, not even to one of his best friends. Not even to someone he did... No. He didn't want to think of it, even if it was the truth.
The "L" word was such a complicated mess. Sirius avoided it as best he could, along with most other serious topics. What if Remus didn't feel the same way? What if they did become a couple, but Remus got bored with him later on? What if their friendship ended up ruined? And what if he broke Remus's heart? That word could change everything, and not necessarily for the better. He was better off letting Remus think he was just joking.
"Black?" Professor Flitwick's voice cut into his reverie. "Sirius Black, are you paying attention?"
Sirius blinked. "Oh. Sorry."
The rest of the day's lesson was fairly uneventful, save that Peter's Gravity Charm made things fly in circles instead of being drawn to a surface. Remus volunteered to stay after class and help him figure out what had gone wrong.
"Please, go on to lunch," Remus told Sirius and James with his usual warm smile. "We'll catch up later."
"Good luck," Sirius said doubtfully, looking at the smoking black lump that had once been Peter's cauldron. But if anyone could help Peter, he knew that it was Remus. Sweet, intelligent, sympathetic Remus, who seemed to have the patience of several hundred saints. In fact, it was Remus's tutoring that had saved Peter from failing this class last year.
"We'll save a place for you," James promised as he practically dragged Sirius out of the classroom and into the short hallway. The rest of the students were already gone. Once he and Sirius were alone, James grinned at him.
Sirius looked at him warily. "What?" His voice echoed slightly in the gray stone hallway, and the lit torches that lined the walls flickered as if to ask the same question.
James whispered, "Why haven't you told him how you feel? You've nothing to lose for trying."
Sirius sulked and whispered back, "I've done everything I know of to get his attention. Isn't that enough?"
James shook his head, still grinning. "He probably thinks you're joking with him, not that I could blame him. You do have a bit of a reputation." He paused and then said in his normal voice, "Let's head to the dining area and talk about it there."
It was surprisingly easy to carry on a private conversation in the dining hall at Hogwarts. For the most part, other students were too engrossed in their own conversations to pay much attention to anyone else's. Sirius told James everything, including the worries that held him back; James told Sirius that he was being ridiculous, and that he shouldn't let a good thing slip away.
"If I'd never said anything to Lily," James pointed out, "do you think that we would be together now? If you want him as much as you say you do, you have to take the risk." Lily was James's very cute girlfriend, who James had been seeing for the last three months. She probably would have been at the table with them right now if she hadn't been sick in bed with the flu, and she probably would have told Sirius exactly what James was telling him now. And deep down, Sirius knew that they both would've been right.
"But you know I'm not good at that sort of thing," Sirius responded, absently folding and unfolding his burgundy cloth napkin and staring straight ahead. "I wouldn't even know where to begin."
James turned thoughtful. "Then, maybe you should do something about it instead of just saying the words. Something that he couldn't mistake."
"Like what?"
James whispered his idea. Sirius laughed.
"What do you think?" James asked. "Lily loves that sort of thing. Maybe he might, too."
Sirius answered, "I think you're a genius. Mad, but a genius." Then, his smile faded. "But if this does work..."
"If it works," James finished for him, "you will have won the heart of one of the kindest, most wonderful people either of us has ever known. You shouldn't be afraid of that."
Remus Lupin.
On Saturday evening, while all the other students in the Gryffindor boys' dorm filed down the stairs to the dining hall for dinner, Remus was stopped from leaving the room by Sirius grabbing hold of his sleeve.
"I'm kidnapping you for the night," Sirius told him with a wink. "Follow me. I've got something to show you." He had his wand in hand.
Remus frowned in cautious puzzlement. "Padfoot," he warned Sirius, "if anything explodes, catches fire, or turns into a goat..."
Sirius snickered. "It's nothing like that this time. Please, just trust me."
Reluctantly, Remus followed him out of GryffindorTower and down into one of the secret passageways that they, James and Peter had found last year. At the end of it rested Sirius's gleaming black motorcycle, acquired just last summer, which Sirius had enchanted for flight.
"We're going for a ride," Sirius said brightly. He slipped out of his black wizard's robes and left them in a pile on the floor. Under them, he wore Muggle clothes: a black leather jacket, a white T-shirt, black leather boots, and close-fitting black leather pants. Remus's heart skipped a beat when he saw Sirius like this. Certain aspects of the Muggle world did have their appeal.
"I... thought no one else was allowed on this bike," Remus said quietly as he watched Sirius put his wand in the small compartment at the rear of the bike. As far as he knew, not even James had been given a ride on this thing.
Sirius responded, "There's a first time for everything," his expression soft. He gazed into Remus's eyes for just a bit longer than necessary. Then, he cleared his throat and gave a nervous laugh. "So, Moony," he asked, "are you coming or not?" He climbed on the motorcycle and looked back at Remus over his shoulder.
?Remus said, "I suppose I will." He nearly tripped over his robes as he did, and he wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist. This is... rather nice, he thought and held on a little bit tighter. He could almost hear Sirius smiling.
Sirius started up the bike, and seconds later, they were off. "Even better than Quidditch, isn't it?" Sirius said over the roar of the engine as they soared above the Forbidden Forest. The treetops looked like billowing dark-green clouds from this height. The ground below was a mottled carpet of green, black and brown.
"Much better," Remus agreed in a far-off voice, but his reasons had little to with the view, the bike, or even the way the wind blew through his hair. He had never been this close to Sirius before, close enough to feel his heartbeat and rest his head on his shoulder, inhaling the clean, soapy smell of Sirius's hair and skin mingled with the slightly musky scent of leather. Close enough to feel the firm muscle just under Sirius's T-shirt...
Remus's cheeks suddenly felt very warm, and other regions of his body offered a response as well. Control yourself, Remus, he told himself, drawing in a deep breath. You know that what you really want is probably more than he's willing to give.
After half an hour or so, they landed in a clearing in a distant woods, right beside a small brook with a tall birch tree at its bank. "I come here to be alone," Sirius said as he stepped off the bike. "I don't know if you believe me or not, but... you're the firstdate' I've brought to this place. I wanted to make this special." He helped Remus get back on solid ground and then opened the compartment at the back of the bike. From it, he retrieved his wand and something wrapped in a blue-and-white handkerchief that he set on the ground.
"Maximus!" Sirius said as he pointed his wand at the bundle, which glowed yellow. The handkerchief spread out and expanded into full-size blanket, and the other items became a picnic basket, a bottle of sparkling cider, and two lovely champagne glasses. "I would've gotten wine," Sirius explained, "but I didn't want you thinking that I'm trying to get you drunk."
Remus stood there for awhile, struck speechless. "You did all this... for me?" The most that anyone else had gotten from him was a kiss or a promise, rarely kept. But as far as Remus knew, a surprise romantic picnic in the forest was a first.
Sirius nodded. "All for you, Remus," he said softly."I wanted you to know that? well? I mean it."
Remus smiled modestly, but he didn't say anything. Maybe he does after all.
Sirius Black.
Remus had been quiet much too long. He hadn't spoken in at least ten seconds since Sirius had told him why he'd done all this.
Sirius asked, "Well? What do you think?" He put on his patented crooked grin and hoped for the best.
"I think," Remus replied, "that I don't know what to say." He looked so desirable then, with the way his light-brown hair fell in his honey-colored eyes. Sirius also noticed that Remus's cheeks were flushed, and he hoped it wasn't just because of the wind.
Silence again.
It's now or never. Sirius cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair nervously. "Ah, Remus... I..."
"Sirius," Remus said, looking Sirius right in the eyes, "this means more to me than you know. I can't tell you how I've wished for something just like this, or how many times I told myself you couldn't possibly..."
Sirius half-smiled. "Yeah. I know the feeling. I mean, I can't blame you for thinking I was just playing a game with you. But there are certain things that even I can't joke about." He smoothed Remus's hair.
Remus looked up at Sirius, waiting.
Sirius, not looking quite as nervous as he felt, wrapped his arms around Remus's waist and drew him close, taking a moment to savor the warmth and closeness of the other young man's body. Then, as gentle as a whisper, his lips touched Remus Lupin's for the first time.
It was rare for Sirius to want anything that he couldn't have, especially when it came to the realm of physical affection. The only question was his own: did he really with to be with any of the people who wished to be with him? He could tease, he could torture, he could take for granted... But this time, that wasn't an option. Sirius had no questions now, as that kiss confirmed what he'd known for the last two years: he wanted Remus Lupin. What it taught him unexpectedly was that he wanted Remus so much he thought his heart would break. And he wanted to show him just that.
But he couldn't ask for that. What if Remus found it insulting? What if he wanted to take things more slowly? Still, as they held each other this close, Sirius couldn't help but noticing...
"Sirius," Remus whispered, "you can."
Sirius blinked. "Huh? Can what?"
Remus caressed caress Sirius's cheek. "I... I know what you want. And you can."
And that was when the panic set in.
Oh, God, he's never done this before.
And I'VE never done this before.
What if I do it wrong?
What if I disappoint him?
What if I...
"I... I'm sorry," Sirius apologized, pulling away from him. "I probably shouldn't 've done this. I mean, I--"
Remus put his index finger to Sirius's lips and shook his head, smiling gently. "You don't have to worry about it," he whispered. "You said that you wanted to make this special, and for me, it already is." He kissed Sirius on the cheek. Then he took Sirius's earlobe ever-so-lightly between his teeth and teased it with the tip of his tongue.
Sirius shivered and closed his eyes. "Um, Remus?" he asked, "What are you doing?"
Remus murmured, "Making it easier for you," and kissed him on the neck, running his hands down Sirius's back. "You're not the only one who wants this. I've dreamed of it for the last two years."
Remus Lupin.
After they'd finished making love, Remus and Sirius were still wrapped in each other's arms. They were also wrapped up in the blue-and-white blanket that was supposed to be used for their picnic a picnic which, from the looks of things, would have to wait for another day. Neither of them said anything; it wasn't necessary. Even the stars seemed to wink their approval.
So, this is how it feels to make love, Remus thought with a pleasant, weary smile. He saw his own expression mirrored on Sirius's face. There was no doubt this was real. There was no doubt that what they had shared was everything Remus had hoped it would be.
"You think they'll know?" Sirius asked. He lazily wound and unwound a lock of Remus's shaggy bangs around his index finger.
"James will," Remus said without hesitation. "And even if he didn't, we would surely have to tell him."
"Mm-hm." Sirius was quiet for a time, but his eyes revealed his thoughts. Remus was thinking the very same thing, though Sirius mentioned it first.
"Remus," Sirius began, "I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but... I... I..."
Remus said, "I love you, too," and snuggled against his chest. He added with an impish grin, "And next time, you can be on top."
The End.
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