Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh.
(A.N Inspired by a weird MSN convo I had with onee-chan a while back… don't ask… The Yomi is a vampire thing is a reference to my fic 'Evil Hair'.)
On the Matters of Zombpires and MicroporeBy Silver Sailor Ganymede
"I'm bored," Takino Tomo's voice rang throughout her room. "I'm bored as bored as bored can be. Like cardboard."
"You mean cardboard like your brain," Kagura smirked over at her, causing Tomo to attempt to hit her with a pillow: of course it didn't work seeing as Kagura was good at dodging things. Still Tomo was nearly as good as Kagura at avoiding flying pillows, so in the end it was Osaka who ended up getting smaked in the face.
"Huh?" Osaka blinked, not realising what had just hit her. "Why have the aliens decided to come down and kill us all?"
"Aliens?" Kagura blinked. "What aliens?"
"I think she means the unded," came Tomo's reply.
"The undead?" Kagura raised an eyebrow. "You mean you?"
"Yup," Tomo nodded. "I'm a zombpire, remember?"
"Is that another word for moron?" Kagura snerked.
"Woah, since when has your name been Yomi?"
"My name has never been Yomi," Kagura rolled her eyes.
"Then you must have had a brain transplant with her or something; you're acting way too much like her for your own good," Tomo declared.
"Or have the zombpiahs taken Kagura and Yomi's brains and turned them into the same evil person?" Osaka mused.
"Did she just say something semi-coherent?" Tomo asked.
"Do you even know what 'semi-coherent' means?" came Kagura's reply.
"No but I bet you don't either," Tomo retorted. "Besides it sounds cool."
"You really are a moron."
"And you really have turned into Yomi," Tomo snapped then her eyes grew huge.
"Now you're scaring me…"
"You're a… vampire!"
"What?"
"Well if you're Yomi then you must be a vampire."
"Yeah, ah remember!" Osaka exclaimed. "When we were late fuh school and you told me that Yomi was a vampiah! But weren't ya a vampiah too?"
"Noooo…" Tomo shook her head. "But Kagura… agrh!"
"Jeesh, breathe, Tomo, breathe."
"I am breathing!" Tomo replied. "At least I hope I am… coz if I'm not then…" she stopped. "AAAAAAAARGH!"
"Woah, loud voice much?" Kagura covered her ears.
"Ah didn't think zombpiahs could scream," Osaka mused.
"Huh?" Kagura asked.
"Well Tomo-chan is a zombpiah now," Osaka shrugged.
"I'm beginning to sympathise with Yomi now, I really am," Kagura muttered.
"Hey!"
"Well I am; I may be a knucklehead but you two are denser than… than…"
"Cardboard?"
"Yeah, that's it," Kagura nodded.
"How are we denser than cardboard if the we're zombpires, we've had all our brain-matter devouered."
"You never had any brain matter in the first place."
"Fine then, Yomi-chan."
Kagura glared at her, "Yeah, you're so funny you've completely cracked me up."
Osaka's eyes widened in shock, "Then we'll have to glue ya back together again."
"Or micropore her back together," Tomo mused. "Micropore works on everything – even broken hearts."
"What have you been reading?"
"Manga, what else," Tomo grinned.
"Fangirl."
"Like Hell I am; that's Yomi."
"Sure, Tomo, sure."
"It'd be weird if a heart really did break though," came Osaka's random statement. "Ah mean if it broke then wouldn't there be blood all ovah the place and stuff…"
"Clam down," Kagura sighed. "You're giving me a headache."
"YAY clams!" Tomo exclaimed. "I am clam and you are clam and all of us are claaaaams!"
"You're soul is gonna burn in hell if you continue like this, and I'm gonna be the one to put it there," Kagura growled, nursing her aching head.
"Sole, you mean like a fish?" Tomo blinked.
"No, I mean like a soul," Kagura rolled her eyes.
"But a sole is a fish."
"Soul not sole, moron."
"I'm confused," Tomo whined as she clutched her head.
"Aren't you always?"
"Aren't you an android? You must be if you've suddenly become like this: short circuit in the system anyone?" Tomo then stood up, pointed to Kagura and proclaimed, "And now, everyone, I introduce you to Yomi, version two. Brain not included." Kagura nuged her in the ribs, "Ouch!"
There was silence for a total of a millisecond – a very rare occurence around them – then Osaka piped up.
"Ya know, wouldn't there be a swarm of vambies or zombpiahs or whatever ya call them if a heart broke?"
"Vambies!" Tomo grinned. "Like bambi gone evil! Hey Kagura, don't you think I'm a vambie and not a zombpire? I'm cute enough to be, dontcha think?"
Kagura rolled her eyes, "sure, Tomo, whatever you say."
Tomo grabbed a roll of micropore off her desk then jumped onto her bed – and Kagura who happened to be sitting on it.
"What on Earth are you doing?" Kagura sighed.
"I'm being your pet vambie considering you said I'm cute enough to be one."
"Since when did I call you anything that sounded even remotely like 'cute'?"
"Just now."
"Well whatever, I don't care; I don't want an evil undead pet, much less a crazy, sugar-high Tomo."
"I'm not sugar high," Tomo replied as she stuck some micropore on the back of Kagura's hand then chucked the roll back behind her. "I'm actually pretty normal."
"Yeah, sure you are, you're the most normal person I know."
"Nah, I think that'd be Kaorin; she's so normal and drippy it's boring," Tomo rolled her eyes then leaned in closer to Kagura.
"What the hell are you doing?" the other girl prctically shouted when she felt something lick her neck.
"I'm gonna bite your pretty little neck, hahaha! And then I shall micropore the bite so you don't bleed too much" Tomo chuckled.
It was then that the door opened and none other than Yomi – version original – walked into the room. She took one look at Tomo and Kagura and shook her head in exasperation.
"This, Tomo, is where I begin having severe doubts about both your sanity and sexuality," she muttered.
Tomo let go of Kagura who sighed in relief as she did so.
"Aaaw, come on Yomi; you know I only love you," Tomo jumped up and hugged her friend.
"Yeah, right, get off me you moron," Yomi rolled her eyes and shoved her friend off of her. Tomo pretended to look hurt but Yomi just looked away. There was silence once again and then…
"Osaka, why have you stuck yourself to the wall with a roll of micropore?"
"Coz it ward off the zombpiahs and the vambies," Osaka explained.
Yomi turned to Kagura and Tomo, "What have you been doing while I wasn't here?"
"Trust me," Kagura sighed, "You really don't want to know."