Tired of stereotypes? Here's the fic for you! Pokes fun at every Kenshin stereotype I could find and is filled with other randomness. Enjoy!

Author's note: Yes, I know these are nothing like the actual Kenshin characters, and that they're completely OOC. This was done for the fun of it, and for the hilariousness of it all. This is purely poking fun at over exaggerating, and isn't meant to offend anyone who may write in this style. Please enjoy my first (and currently only) humorous fic! Please review! Please laugh your head off (I know my friends did)! And please, don't flame!

Oh, and I apologize in advance for all of Yahiko's "damn-"ing. Just going with a stereotype. ;D

And now I've gone through and fixed the errors, so it's even better! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Saja: I don't own you, Kenshin. You're...You're...free to go. unhooks collar

Kenshin: FINALLY! rejoices

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Kaoru stood in the doorway, her kimono sliding down her shoulders so she had to constantly pull it up. "Dinner time," she crooned at the boys sitting in the dojo.

Yahiko looked up at her and frowned. "We're not done in here yet, damn hag! We still have to run through all of my damn training backwards, upside down and sideways! Isn't that damn right, Sano?"

Sano didn't even look up from what he was doing. "I dunno, kid. Hey guys, I've discovered how to make my muscles dance! Wanna see?"

Kaoru stared at him, obviously trying to entice him. She placed a pout on her lips. "But Sano! I've worked so hard to make this dinner for all of you. Won't you please enjoy it?" This caught even Sano's attention and he made his way into the kitchen.

Next, Kaoru walked outside to find Kenshin. "Kenshin!" she purred. "Come eat some dinner now!"

"But sessha can't!" was the reply from the bushes. "This one is too busy mourning Tomoe! One can't go and enjoy food! This one doesn't deserve it!" This was followed by a muffled sob.

Shaking her head, Kaoru tutted. "I guess I'll just have to eat all the wonderful food I made myself. Oh, but I will of course have Sano for company!" With a giggle, she turned and left.

Once inside, Kaoru sat down to dinner, her kimono riding up so one slender leg was visible. "Well, let's eat, Sano," she crooned. "It's just you and me."

"And me, damn hag!" Yahiko yelled, walking in the room and piling his plate full of food. "I'm here, too."

Kaoru looked a bit disappointed, but Sano didn't care. "My love!" he exclaimed and began to make out with the rice.

At this point, Kenshin walked in. "Um, Kaoru-dono? Th-this one thought one c-could use some f-f-food after all."

Kaoru gave him a sexy look. "Oh good, Kenshin. I'm glad you'll eat. Please come and sit by me!" Kenshin obeyed shyly and hesitantly picked up a bowl and began filling it with rice. A grain dropped onto the table as he was doing this.

"NO! This one is so sorry, Grain of Rice-dono! Sessha didn't mean to hurt you! Oh, please forgive this one for all of this one's horrible, horrible acts! Oh sob! Oh cry!" Tears sprang from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks, falling in his rice.

Kaoru slid over next to Kenshin, placing a hand on his leg. "It's okay, Kenshin. I forgive you."

"Foar whaut?" Sano asked through a mouthful of food. "Thies foud iz gwieat!" Kaoru gave him another inviting look. "Thank you, Sano," she said, moving so she was laying in his lap.

"Hey, Kenshin!" Yahiko yelled, making Kenshin jump a full foot in the air and cry out, causing him to throw rice everywhere ("THIS ONE IS SO SORRY, GRAINS OF RICE-DONO!"). "Are you gonna eat your damn rice soon, oh role model that I wish every damn night I was like? It's gonna get cold. I'll eat it for you, even though the damn hag made it!"

Kenshin nodded weakly and reached down with his chopsticks, bashfully plucking a few grains of rice from the pile and placing them in his mouth. "It's cold," he stated calmly before going into hysterics. "IT'S COLD! AND WET FROM THIS ONE'S TEARS FOR TOMOE! OH TOMOE SMITE SESSHA NOW! TAKE THIS ONE AWAY FROM THIS COLD, SOGGY RICE AND SMITE THIS ONE FOR ALL ONE'S DONE!" He fell into a bow so deep his forehead was pressed against the floor.

At that moment, Megumi burst into the room. "Who needs a doctor?" she shouted, scanning the room for anyone in need. "What about you, Ken-san!"

Kenshin shook his head, mumbling into the ground, "This one is too bad to be healed."

Kaoru sat up and looked at Megumi. "Well, you can eat with us, if you'd like," she purred, stroking Sano's arm.

"No thanks," Megumi declared, taking a heroic pose. "I have no time to eat! Can't you hear the theme song, woman? I must go heal everyone that needs healing, for I am DOCTOR LADY!" With that, she yelled, "POOF!" and ran out of the room, shouts of "Here I come to heal you all!" audible until she left the property.

Yahiko watched her go, a strange expression on his face. "Damn, she's hot, unlike you, hag," he said, turning to Kaoru. Kaoru stuck out her tongue as flirtatiously as possible and turned back to Sanosuke who was attempting to lick a piece of rice off of his elbow.

It was then that a yell tore through the dojo. "KAOOOOORUUUUU-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" the person yelling paused for breath. "-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"I think that damn Misao's here," Yahiko informed them, unnecessarily. Sano ignored him, still trying to get the piece of rice, but Kaoru got up, stepping over the traumatized Kenshin on the floor. "I think I'll go greet our guests," she crooned, before heading out of the room.

Kaoru stepped out onto the front porch, looking for Misao. Once she was spotted, Kaoru motioned to her and Aoshi. "It's good to see you guys," she called, her tones rich and musical.

"HI, KAORU-SAN! IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! IT'S BEEN SO LONG! AOSHI AND I MISSED YOU SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, MUCH!" Misao screamed, jumping up and down. "DIDN'T WE, AOSHI-SAMA?"

"Yes," Aoshi said without any trace of emotion. "She missed you."

Misao biffed him over the head. "So did you, you silly face!" She turned to Kaoru. "I hope we're not interrupting. We just saw Megumi go running down the road, so I was kind of worried. BUT NOT ANYMORE!" she jumped up and down, little floating flowers emanating from her.

"No, we're just eating dinner," Kaoru responded, walking over and caressing Aoshi's face with her hand. "You can join us if you'd like."

"OH REALLY? OH, BOY! OH, BOY! OH, BOY! OH, BOY! OH, BOY! WEEEEEEEEEEE!" and she took off into the dojo, her braid streaming after her.

"I will have tea," Aoshi informed Kaoru monotonously. "I must contemplate why the tea leaves are the way they are, and what I can learn about the world from them."

"All right, big boy," Kaoru responded, dragging him inside by his arm. The moment they got inside, they heard a racket coming from the kitchen.

"I WANNA HELP! I WANNA HELP!"

"No, dammit!"

"Ah! Grains of Rice-dono! This one will save you!"

"Kenshin, shut up, dammit!"

"I WANNA HELP!"

"It seems Yahiko has found Misao," Kaoru giggled. "I should probably break this up. Come with me?" Aoshi had very little choice in the matter as Kaoru pulled out a pair of handcuffs from her kimono and handcuffed him to her before gliding into the kitchen.

What met them could only be described as utter chaos. Yahiko and Misao were completely covered in rice as they fought, and Kenshin was on the floor, attempting to pick up and apologize to every single grain.

"LET ME HELP, YAHIKO POOPY FACE!" Misao was yelling, pulling on Yahiko's hair. "I WANNA HELP KAORU-SAN CLEAN UP!"

"Well you can't until I'm done eating, dammit!" Yahiko responded, attempting to strangle Misao with her braid. "And I'm not done yet!"

Yahiko tripped then, falling backwards over Kenshin, who cowered in fear, his arms placed protectively around the rice. Yahiko regained his balance, but he was still holding onto Misao's braid, causing her to fly back as well and to hit a platter, sending the fish that had been on it flying through the air.

From the fish's point of view, this was all very exciting, as it rushed through the air and landed softly in a mess of black fuzzy stuff.

From everyone else's point of view, it became very apparent that there was now a fish in Aoshi's hair.

"There's a fish. In my hair," Aoshi stated stiffly.

"I'LL GET IT, AOSHI-SAMA!" Misao yelled, rushing forward, and breaking the handcuffs, only to be stopped by Aoshi's hand.

"No. I must contemplate why this fish has chosen my hair. I will be in the dojo if you need me." And he walked out of the room, the fish balancing on his head.

"Damn, he's weird," Yahiko said, breaking the silence that followed. This remark was rewarded by a slap from Misao.

"HE'S NOT WEIRD! HE'S THE BEST EVER!" she screamed, turning towards him.

"Uh, um, M-Misao-dono?" Kenshin asked, standing up off of the ground. "D-didn't this one defeat A-Aoshi? Doesn't that m-make this one the b-best?"

"NO IT DOES NOT, HIMURA-SAN! AOSHI-SAMA'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF HIS TALENTS!" Misao roared, turning to Kenshin.

At that moment, Kaoru spoke up. "Um, where's Sano?" she inquired, pulling up the side of her kimono.

"That damn rooster head's probably still eating!" Yahiko responded, heading towards the dining room. The rest of the group followed him, Kaoru hanging on Kenshin's arm.

Sure enough, Sano was in the dining room, still trying to lick the piece of rice off of his elbow. He spotted Kaoru and cried out to her. "Jou-chan! My muscles are too big! I can't get my food!" he seemed close to tears.

"I'll get it for you," she offered, kneeling over by him and licking the rice off of his elbow. Sano stared at her for a few seconds before screaming. "You ate it! You ate my food! No! You can't do that! It's mine! MINE! MY PRECIOUS!"

Kaoru quickly backed off, hitting Kenshin in the process and making him fall over and hit his head. "Ooooowwwww!" he screamed, holding his hands up to his head. He slowly took them away and promptly fainted at the sight of blood.

"Damn, Kenshin!" Yahiko exclaimed. "Where's a doctor when you need one?"

"DUN DA DA DAAAAAAAA!" they heard a yell from off stage right.

"You had to ask," Kaoru said, looking at him and pouting.

"I'M DOCTOR LADY!" Megumi announced, bursting through the door. "Who needs a doctor?" She spotted Kenshin. "Oh! Prey! I'll help!"

Kneeling beside him, Megumi grabbed some bandages from her medicine box that had seemed to have materialized a few seconds before. She took the wrap and quickly wrapped up all of Kenshin so his arms and legs were pinned together and only his eyes and nose were visible.

"My work here is done!" Megumi shouted proudly, springing to her feet, and with another shout of "POOF!" she was gone.

The group stared down at Kenshin, and Kaoru lowered herself so she was sitting on his chest. "Are you alright?"

Kenshin's eyes snapped open, and he attempted to get up, but to no avail. The Kaoru on his chest didn't help. "Kwaoruou-douono, pweaese gwet awff," he said through the bandage, and she reluctantly obeyed.

It was then that they heard his approach. The door flew open, and all the walls and floor began to rip up, making it look as though a tornado had blown through. "What's going on, dammit?" Yahiko asked, trying to see whatever was destroying the room.

Then, as if from nowhere, Seta Sojiro materialized, his eyes on Kenshin and a smile on his face. "Shishio-san?" he asked, studying the bandaged Kenshin.

"No," Kaoru informed him, walking over and leaning against Sojiro. "Not Shishio."

Sojiro looked down at her and smiled bigger. "It's Shishio-san. I know. My love for him brought me here!" With that, he disappeared again and reappeared next to the tied up Kenshin. "Come with me, Shishio-san!" Sojiro said, and picked up Kenshin.

"Naooo! Thomoay! Theis iz theis oane's pounishmeunt? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kenshin screamed through the bandage. Tears fell from his eyes, collecting in the cloth.

"Toodles!" Sojiro said, before disappearing and running out of the room.

A silence filled the room for a while until Misao spoke up. "He….was….so….HOT!" she shrieked, turning to Kaoru, and the two of them fangirled it up for a while until Yahiko interrupted. "Damn. Shouldn't we go after Kenshin? Damny, damn, damn?"

"No," Sano replied. "I'm still hungry. You all wanna eat?"

"Ok," the group replied, sitting down and serving each other.

END!

-------Epilogue 1--------

"SHIIIIISHIIIOOOOOOO!" Sojiro yelled, prancing up to where he had left Kenshin. "I found a new lair! And guess what? I also found Yumi's understudy! Isn't it great? We can do this all over again! I just hope Himura-san doesn't interrupt again."

Kenshin whimpered.

--------Epilogue 2--------

"So you chose my head because it was the one with the most knowledge?" Aoshi asked the fish.

"Of course not!" it replied in fish language. "I chose yours because I know you're a Vegan! Hugs!"

"I love you, fishy. Marry me," Aoshi said, monotonously. "Now."

"YES! But you first must know my real name! I'm Juliana the magnificent! I hold all the secrets of the universe!" Juliana yelled.

"I love you even more."

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So that's the end of my madness. What do you think? Should I continue this one? Should I write another one? Should I never touch anything even remotely having to do with humor ever again? Please let me know!

Looking back, Kenshin seems a bit like Ritchan/Ritsu, ne?