Naruto is not mine.
Beta-ed by lovely and generous Helgaleena. All the remaining mistakes are mine.
Dedicated to all readers out there.
Beautiful Disaster
Falling in love with you was easy, so easy that you have hordes of fangirls and fanboys after you, but loving you is harder than becoming a Hokage. I realized this fact after Tsunade named me as the next Hokage, and instead of shouting "YES!" at the top of my lungs, bouncing joyously and running off to the village to tell people and celebrate, I took a quick glance at my partner – in missions and in life – standing stoically beside me, and found my immediate answer there. And so I, almost easily, declined the position that had been my dream for so long.
It was the understatement of the year to say that my negative response to that offer thoroughly shocked people around me, but I just smiled brightly, ignoring the cries of disbelief from people in the room, and enjoying the unfolding drama before me. It was not long before Tsunade ordered people out of her office to have a private conference with me regarding this unpredicted event.
But as I watched the rapidly darkening scowl on Tsunade's face and her barely restrained anger when there were only the two of us left in her office, I wryly admitted to myself that maybe this event, my refusal to be next Hogake, was not as unpredictable as it seemed to be to her.
It did not take long for her to explode, "Care to tell me the reason why you refused the position, Naruto?" Tsunade's voice was rising higher and higher with her next questions. "Care to tell me why you so easily threw away your dream? All the hard work you have done? The fact that people finally acknowledge you as a good enough ninja to be the next Hokage? Huh? Tell me, Naruto!"
I kept my silence, not backing down under her harsh glare. I didn't even try to answer the questions, because I knew that she didn't need it, that she already knew the answers.
And she proved it, by hissing the next words coldly, all the hysteria from before disappearing without a trace, "I should not have made that deal with you, then I could have hunted and killed him myself so that he would not have a chance to ruin you like this."
And I stared at her stony face, suffused with cold rage, shocked into silence by her spiteful words. Our gazes locked for what felt like an unbearable eternity, her eyes burning into mine, wordlessly daring me to respond to those words, but I broke away first, turning my back on her, my fists and my lips clenched so tightly that I could feel the nails dig into my palms, and the teeth pierce the tender flesh of my lips.
There were no more words that could be said between us. I would not change my decision no matter what she said to me, and she clearly had expressed her true feelings regarding my reason for making that decision.
Tsunade and I love each other like family, and she had been supporting me since she became the Hokage. I know that I had hurt her by refusing her final, ultimate support which is succession to the Hokage position, but did she need to take my rejection that far as to say such cruel things about you? Was it so foolish of me to think that of all people, she would be one of the few that could understand and accept my love for you, the reason why I refused to become the next Hokage?
Obviously, I was foolish enough to think so. And now, I am as hurt and disappointed with her as she is with me.
Facing the door, I knew that I didn't want to escape through it just to face my friends, who undoubtedly were waiting to bombard me with questions that I didn't want to answer. So I gathered a small chakra to transport me out of the room and away from the Hokage building, and a split second before my chakra whisked me away, I heard her parting words, delivered in a softer and more resigned tone:
"He is a disaster for you, Naruto."
Catching a last look at her weary face, all traces of her earlier rage gone, I only saw the unconcealed affection and concern in her old eyes, and I couldn't help but muster a little smile for her and counter her words rather cheekily.
"But he is such a beautiful disaster, Tsunade-obaachan."
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
As I raced through the trees, brimming with disappointment and resentment, I could not stop thinking, they would not understand, would they? But then, I thought about you, and while I do love you very much, I also doubted that you, who are so insecure and weak when it comes to love, would understand either.
You and I never talk about what happened or what will happen between us, and it has been like that since the beginning. Maybe it's because both of us are men who don't have much desire to dissect our life piece by piece, step by step; maybe it's because we don't need words anymore to convey our feelings to each other. After all, don't people always say that actions speak louder than words? Or maybe we have experienced the haunting power of words spoken, whether it be in a careless or a serious way, and we, being either wise or cowardly, choose to not repeat the same experience.
But this time, I feel that we will talk, that you will question me about my reason for refusing the Hokage position. And, out of everyone who wants to ask and know the answer, you are the one to whom I owe the answer, the explanation. Why? Because for you, it's not going to be a simple answer. I can give others reasonable excuses, or I can give them lies, whatever works best for them, I think. But you, you won't accept any excuse, nor can I lie to you.
But are you ready to hear my answer, Sasuke? Are you ready to hear me saying the dreaded three little words that have been erased from our vocabularies?
My answer equals the million times "I love you" that has been unsaid between us, over such a long time. Will you acknowledge it then, Sasuke?
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I never imagined that I would feel that precious feeling of being so much in love with someone. Because it's difficult to love when you have spent all your life surrounded by hate. Smiling and acting like you don't have any worry in the world is easy, but it's not that easy to forgive and forget the pain people inflict upon you. It is total bullshit if people think I grew up without being affected by my horrible surroundings because of my supposedly inherent goodness. I have never been an innocent, because how can you remain an innocent when you are constantly accused, falsely or not, as a murderer?
Therefore, when people hate me because they never tried to see the real me, I hate them back. And it was always like that, until I went to the Academy and met you.
You ignored me, but I couldn't do the same to you. You ridiculed me, and all I could do was make some lame comebacks. In just the short time we had been a team, you easily tore down my carefully constructed barriers and quickly stole all my emotions, all my feelings with just the slightest glance, or a tiny mocking comment that shouldn't have mattered at all - if it had come from any other person.
Trying to pay more attention to Sakura, pretending to have a big, silly crush on her had not helped my predicament. Because in the end, it is always just two of us together. Like when we were trapped in Haku's mirror jutsu, or when we fought to the death at the Valley of the End. Or like what we are now.
Truthfully, I never realized how important you had become to me, or how entangled our twisted threads of fate were, until you left me to seek revenge on the one that had stolen your entire heart, both by love and by hate. As I lay there, on the broken ground of the Valley of the End, under the pouring rain, dying, alone, I realized my destiny.
The one that made me couldn't ignore you, like I ignored everybody else. The one that made me couldn't forget the fact that you had saved my life, in spite of Iruka doing the same thing before. The one that made me couldn't hate you for betraying me, and hurting me more than anyone else could ever do. The one that made me couldn't let you go, even after you had been gone for so long and others had given up on you.
The same destiny that made me refuse Tsunade's offer, to protect what we have now.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Years passed between us while you forced yourself to become stronger, both physically and mentally, in order to successfully kill your brother, and I worked hard to be strong enough to protect you. Helped by Kyuubi or not, I did get strong enough to defeat you and drag you back home, had I not realized that by doing so, you would only have hated me more than you hated your brother, and then I would have lost you entirely.
So, despite the obvious fact that you were a missing nin, a criminal that I must hunt, despite the strict order from Tsunade to capture you dead or alive, I let you go -- after I had made you promise me that you would come back after taking your revenge.
Have you ever realized the magnitude of that action, Sasuke? Have you ever realized how much I must pay to make Tsunade forgive the two of us? That day when I wiped out the whole hidden village of Sound, including Orochimaru and his followers, drenched in rain, blood, and tears, I sold my soul to the devil to ensure that whenever you came back home, you would be welcomed as a free man.
The day you fought your brother and killed him, I watched you two with a sickening feeling, a horrible realization that when your brother died by your own hands, you would hurt much, much more than you had hurt when your beloved brother murdered your parents and your Clan. Nonetheless, even with the power that I held, I couldn't stop you, couldn't stop the destruction that you inflicted upon yourself by killing the man you loved and hated the most.
That fateful day, I saw you broken physically and mentally. For the first time, I saw not Uchiha Sasuke, the orphan, the best pupil, the avenger, my team mate, my best friend, my most important and precious person, but only a fragile, beautiful boy that was Uchiha Itachi's beloved little brother.
You were crying over your brother's dead body, really crying with seemingly endless tears streaming down your bloody face, and miserable sobs wracking your wounded body. And I realized that those were the tears that you cried for the last of your blood, your beloved Aniki, the one that you had adored, the one that you loved the most.
Uchiha Itachi's death closed a long, sorrowful chapter in your life, Sasuke, and with his death, he took Sasuke the Avenger to his grave and gave back the real Sasuke to the world.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
It was almost like watching a lost puppy find his mother, the way you turned to me when I called your name, the way you saw me from behind those wet curtains of tears, and the way you brokenly whispered my name before throwing yourself into my arms just to collapse into unconsciousness a few seconds later. After that, it was all a big blur as I tried to prolong your life while I carried you back home, as Tsunade did her best to save you, but through all that, I will always remember the feeling of your hand clutching at me so tightly, even in your comatose condition.
Tsunade managed to save your life, but you were in a coma for two months. Believe me, those agonizing two months of staying beside you while you were immersed in your deep slumber, worried and ever so afraid that you would not open your eyes again, felt so much longer than the years that you had been away from me. The only thing that gave me hope was the fact that you constantly, instinctively searched for my presence, even in your deep sleep.
When you woke up from your coma, you clung to me and wouldn't let me go. Day in and day out while you were recuperating in the hospital, I became a permanent fixture in your room, the only one besides Tsunade and Shizune, actually, since you refused to accept any visitors. Sakura and Kakashi, who couldn't take no for an answer and forced their way in, were only utterly ignored by you, until they dejectedly left.
The first time I was forced to leave you to do a very important mission, was also the first time you tried to kill yourself. To say that your foolish action made Tsunade and me very angry is the understatement of the century. At the end of her tirade, Tsunade even threatened to seal your chakra and confine you in a padded cell, should you attempt to repeat it.
With a loud bang of the closing door, she left us alone, drowning in the thick tension between my anger and your silence. Watching you impassive face, eyes stubbornly avoiding my stare, I wanted to rage and yell at you, but in the end, I could only ask the most obvious question:
"Why?"
For a long time you didn't answer, and I was tempted to hit you to make you realize how mad I was. But then, you slowly turned your face from the window that you had been staring at, and while your face was still expressionless, your eyes burned into mine with such intensity.
"Don't leave me then."
You said those four words like a command -- demanding, challenging, angry. But while it should have made me angrier, it sliced my heart open instead, and my anger drained abruptly. We stared at each other for what seemed like an endless time, speaking without words, in a different language that only we knew, and then I walked towards you, took your face in my hands, and we kissed for the third time.
A third time's kiss, a charm, a sealed promise that I would never leave you, that I am yours for eternity.
And that was the beginning of our current relationship, the relationship whose existence has been cursed by Tsunade, for the so-called disaster it brought.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
As I have mentioned before, loving you is hard, and consequently, living with you is also far from easy. It is a whole new ground for both of us, full of land-mines that we, especially me, must thread through carefully.
The first few months in the beginning of our living together, it was like you were testing me, testing how strong my promise was. You turned back into a spoiled brat that people would never think you capable of being. You were extremely clingy and needy, easily jealous, and unbelievably possessive. You did many selfish and childish things, worse than any prank that I ever pulled, that sometimes made me so upset I just wanted to hit you and be done with you.
Actually, I did that in our last fight, for the first and the last time. You had done something that made me so mad, I lost my temper, hit you, and then left you alone in our house. It was the second time that I left you, and the second time you tried to kill yourself.
When you opened your eyes, after I came back and found you lying unconscious in the pool of your own blood, you glared at me through the welled up tears and yelled:
"You liar! You are just like him! Said a thousand empty promises and in the end you are going to abandon me!"
To this day I am still sorry that in the midst of my anger, I had forgotten my promise and hurt you all over again. I had forgotten that the real Sasuke is what you are now, raw and vulnerable, afraid and insecure.
And I realized that despite all that, despite every pain that you give me, despite every single thing that I must sacrifice for you, I still love you the same, and could never stop loving you.
I learned my lesson, Sasuke, and while kissing you for a third time was a charm, I am sure that leaving you for a third time is not. That's why when Tsunade asked me to be the next Hokage, I said no. Because being a Hokage means being a public property, and accepting the position plainly means that I would be leaving you for the third time.
And I cannot bear to lose you.
Maybe you won't admit it, but I know that after all this time we have been together, you still don't trust me. What more can I do to make you trust me then? Because if I say I love you, you won't believe it, not when your brother had said the same thing to you, and he still did all those horrible things to you. If I say I love you so much that I would die for you, you will hate me, because that means I'll leave you alone again like your parents did. In the end, this is the only thing that I can do to honour my lifelong promise to you, and show you, without words, how much I love you.
It is all right if you don't love me back, just as long as you need me, Sasuke. I will stay by your side forever, and it will be beautiful, even if it is such a beautiful disaster.
FIN
He drowns in his dreams Oh cuz I don't know He's magical
myth Oh cuz I
don't know I'm longing for love and the
logical He's
soft to the touch He's beautiful
An
exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more
heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My
whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't
right
I don't know what he's
after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if
I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be
beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage
than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not
to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby, hold me tight
I don't know what he's after
But he's so
beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold
on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some
kind of miracle
Waited so long
Waited so long
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never
enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh cuz I don't
know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so
beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or
just a beautiful disaster
Such a beautiful
disaster
Kelly Clarkson – Beautiful Disaster
Anyway, my thanks go to Vain-chan's Ce Sera Bien, Kai's Wabi-Sabi, Tetsuno Ichihara's and Yukimachiya's SasuNaru doujinshi, and Kelly Clarkson's Beautiful Disaster for inspiring me to write this fic. Also to Naruto ending song, No Regret Life and Shakira's The One that have accompanied me while I wrote. And lastly, for Yuuri Higuchi's Nidome no Yakusoku and Sanae Rokuya's Air that have helped me in writing the ending.
Just 3 more fics to be done and just FYI, the second part of Lacy, Silky, Lust is already mapped in my head and ready to be put into words. I don't think it will take as long as this fic to finish.