Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, KH Chain of Memories, or KH2. I do own my OCs, even though they aren't in this fic, or even on FFN yet.

A/N: This is probably going to suck, but I thought I should at least get the first chapter up. The first chapter is Xemnas, but I'm not going in any particular order. Also, I apologize if it's not that funny; I didn't know what to do for Xemnas, really.

Demyx: Yay! You're writing about us.

Crow: Yes. Yes I am. Don't let it get to your head.

Also, don't read this if you actually like President George W. Bush.

Well, I think I've rambled on pointlessly for long enough now. Here's the fic, however horrible I think it is.

----------------------------------------------------------

Better Know a Nobody

Stephen Colbert held up his hands, stopping the applause. "I was reading the newspaper the other day," he began, "and I was this." He held up an advertisement for Kingdom Hearts II. How it got into the newspaper, we'll never know. "And I started thinking, what makes this one so much better than the first one, to make the front page? So, I've decided to launch a new, 13-part series, Better Know a Nobody. Please help me welcome . . . Xemnas!"

Colbert ran over as red, white, and blue lights played over the set. The crowd cheered as Colbert bowed. Then he sat down across from Xemnas, whose white hair and orange eyes made him stand out even more. Colbert leaned over and shook his hand. "Great to have you here, Xemnas," said Colbert.

"Thanks . . .," Xemnas said slowly, regretting that he had let the other Organization members talk him into this. Of course, it was this or be mauled by Larxene, which was not a pleasant thought. Or worse, be locked in a closet with Marluxia . . . or Vexen. He shuddered.

"Now," Colbert began, "I understand that you are the leader of this Organization, right?"

"Yes, I am number I," Xemnas confirmed.

"So what exactly do you do?"

"I . . . lead," Xemnas said, unsure of what Colbert meant. "I plot for a way to get our hearts back through Kingdom Hearts, and make sure that Axel doesn't set the castle on fire. I also have to make sure that Saix doesn't kill anyone."

"I see. So you don't have hearts?" Colbert said, baffled. "Would that have something to do with your multiple personality disorder?"

"My what?" Xemnas demanded, thrown off by the unexpected question.

"Your personality disorder," Colbert repeated. "I mean, you have so many different names. Ansem, Xehanort, Xemnas. Obviously you're schizophrenic."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Xemnas spluttered. "But I'll explain it for you. First, I was Xehanort, apprentice to Ansem the Wise. Then, I abandoned my name and became Ansem when I lost myself to darkness. Then, I became a Nobody, and I called myself Xemnas."

"Sounds like the reasoning of a madman to me," Colbert said. "I see this is uncomfortable for you, let's move on," he added before Xemnas could protest.

"Now, you say you're from the World That Never Was?" Colbert asked, and Xemnas nodded. "I have to say, what sort of dumb bleep name is that? Do you have patented Napkins That Should Not Be? Or maybe the Entertainment System That's Too Good To Actually Exist."

"Are you mocking me?" Xemnas asked, and his eyes seemed to glow.

"Of course not," Colbert assured him. "Look, I'm sure you're a great leader and all, but our President, George W. Bush, is better. Look at what he's done! So far, he has: Won his election fair and square (image of Florida), helped a country to gain independence and democracy (image of the war in Iraq), and provided instant support to New Orleans (image of New Orleans still flooded with hundreds homeless)! How can you top that?"

"Hmm, where is this President of yours?" Xemnas mused.

"The White House in Washington, D.C. Why?"

"If you will excuse me for a moment," Xemnas said abruptly, avoiding the question. He stood up and disappeared in a portal.

"Well, that doesn't sound good," Colbert said. "It's a good thing I put a camera on Xemnas before the show! Jimmy, can you put that up on the screen?"

An image showed up on the screen. It was the White House. It got closer and closer. "Hmm, so this is the White House," said Xemnas's voice from above the camera.

Security guards appeared in the camera's field of vision. "Pah, fools," Xemnas sneered, destroying them with a wave of his hand. (A/N: I'm sorry if this is inaccurate; I haven't fought Xemnas yet!) He quickly made his way into the White House, and found his way to the Oval Office, only after having terrified a visiting group of 3rd graders and been welcomed as one of their own with a group of visiting Goths.

"Hmph," Xemnas sniffed. "I don't see what's so great about you." He sounded miffed as the hidden camera focused on George W. Bush.

"Security!" Bush shouted.

"OH, you mean those really annoying men in uniforms that kept on tripping over each other's feet?" Xemnas's hand came into view as he waved it dismissively. "They were easy to destroy."

"Who do you think you are?" Bush demanded, standing up and smacking his hands on the desk.

"I can't believe you're the President," Xemnas said, ignoring him. "Now, what to do to you? I can't leave you unscathed if you're making people question my leadership." He snapped his fingers. "Ah, that's it!" he exclaimed. There was a flash of darkness, and the camera fizzled out.

"Well!" Colbert exclaimed, leaning back. "I hope the President isn't dead." He looks at the audience. "I guess this means the interview is over, eh? Jimmy, put old Xemmy up on the board!"

A dark board is brought out, and thirteen dark figures are randomly grouped together on it. The figure in front lights up, showing Xemnas.

"Well, I guess that's it for tonight! As for me, I've got to go email the President!" Colbert waved his arms around, and the audience cheered.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't worry, I'll explain what happened to the President in the next chapter, before whoever comes next. Please review! I need to know if this sucked or not. And I know it's short, but I wanted to get this up before tomorrow.