Disclaimer: HanaKimi is property of Hisaya Nakajo. I make no profit from this work of fiction.
Kadoma Shotaro, a first year at Osaka Academy, was almost certain that one cried in a situation like this, when they felt like this. His stomach had long ago fallen away, to be replaced with fluttering anxiety and a tightness that reminded him of sparring with some of the older students. There was a distinct ache beneath his eyelids. But still the tears would not come.
"O-of course, Senpai. I'm sorry to have troubled you."
Kujo Itsuki stared at him curiously as he slowly stood and turned away, shuffling on quiet, sluggish feet across the dojo's tatami and into the locker room that attached to one side. Kadoma was definitely certain that he shouldn't have turned his back on his Senpai like that, but it had seemed the right thing to do, considering the situation, and what he'd just so stupidly and brashly done.
He changed into his school uniform numbly, running what he had said to his Senpai slowly over in his head. Had it come out wrong? Of course not; he'd practiced those words for a very long time. Perhaps he had simply misplaced Kujo-Senpai's brotherly affection and protectiveness as something else entire, something he wanted to see.
His satchel felt heavy on his shoulder. That tight anxiety wasn't going out of his stomach, and he was starting to feel a little ill. Perhaps he'd go see Umeda-Sensei, and lay down for a little while. Just until his stomach stopped hurting. He turned into the main building and headed off towards the Infirmary, his eyes riveted on his shoes and the floor before him.
He started as his shoulder was jostled, and mumbled a swift apology as he heard papers flutter about. Pushing his dark bangs out of his eyes, he knelt to help pick up, and opened his mouth as he lifted his gaze to apologize directly.
"Oh!" he gasped. "N-Nakao-Senpai! I'm sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going, and I—."
"Where's your head at?" Nakao Senri bit, wrinkling his nose a little at the younger student. Kadoma hung his head a little, and lifted Nakao-Senpai's papers up to him as the older boy stood and set his uniform to right. He was straightening his tie when Kadoma finally stood.
He jumped a little as Nakao-Senpai leaned into his line of sight, and blushed a little. The older student cocked a brow, and looked up at the first bell.
"You're going to be late to lunch, Nakao-Senpai. I'm sorry." Kadoma started to step passed him, and stopped when Nakao grabbed his wrist, turning back a little. Nakao-Senpai had very light eyes, rather like Kujo-Senpai, that didn't really fit his heredity.
"Are you alright, Kadoma-kun?" Nakao-Senpai asked softly. His hand was hot through the cotton of Kadoma's shirt, almost searing against his pulse. Kadoma smiled brightly, and could feel himself blushing a little.
"Of course I am, Nakao-Senpai. Why wouldn't I be alright?"
"You just seemed—." He trailed off, and suddenly dropped Kadoma's wrist as though burnt. He watched Nakao-Senpai curiously as he took a step back, watched the unusual play of confused emotions over the older boy's face, and smiled reassuringly.
"I'm fine, Nakao-Senpai." He bowed respectfully. "Thank you for your concern. Will you tell Ashiya-Senpai that I say hello?"
"O-of course, Kadoma-kun." Kadoma nodded, bowed again, and began down the hall. He stopped only when Nakao-Senpai called after him, "If you'd like to talk . . ."
"Thank you, Nakao-Senpai." He hurried away from the older boy before he could get another look at his pretty face, and hurried towards the Infirmary. The tightness in his stomach had only gotten worse because of Nakao-Senpai.
Umeda-Sensei was watching him with the same odd expression Nakao-Senpai had given him when he'd told him everything was alright. Only, Umeda-Sensei was much more frightening than Kadoma's school mate, and quite a bit more insistent when he asked him what the problem was.
"I'm just not feeling too well. May I lay down, Umeda-Sensei?"
He didn't press the matter with words, but rather with the look in his eyes as Kadoma settled on one of the various cots, and laid himself out across it. Kadoma could feel the Doctor's eyes on him, and shifted a little under them; Kujo's eyes felt different, but no less heavy, than Umeda-Sensei's.
"Are all your classes going well, Shotaro?"
"Yes, Sensei. I quite enjoy them." Umeda-Sensei hummed a little, nodded, and flipped through some papers on his desk.
"And how are you doing in karate? Itsuki tells me you're one of his best students." Kadoma flushed brightly, and turned so his back was to the Doctor. He mumbled some affirmative or another, his fingers tightening into the pillowcase.
He jumped a little when he felt Umeda-Sensei touch his shoulder, and rose swiftly.
"I lied, Sensei. I'm not feeling too badly. I suppose I'll go to class then; thank you!" Umeda blinked at him blankly for a moment, before acquiring a knowing smile.
"I suppose Itsuki didn't know quite what to do with you when you told him, did he?" Kadoma shifted under Umeda-Sensei's knowing gaze, his blush darkening. He shook his head, shrugged a little, shifted from foot to foot. Finally, he forced himself to be still.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Sensei."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Shotaro," Umeda continued, as though he hadn't even heard Kadoma's objection. "If you'd like, I'll excuse you from the rest of your classes for the day. I'm sure you do feel a little sick from all that nervous energy."
"I'm . . . I'm fine, Sensei."
"No. Doctor's orders, then. You're to go back to your dorm and rest." He even wrote out an excuse slip, and handed it to Kadoma. His smile was a little nostalgic, a little sad; he ruffled Kadoma's hair gently, and told him to get along. Kadoma did as he was told.
"Kadoma-kun? Why aren't you in class?"
Kadoma wiped quickly at the tears he was sure he could feel at the corners of his eyes, and turned to Nakao-Senpai with a quick and hopefully brilliant smile. Nakao-Senpai, however, retained that slightly peevish expression, arms crossed his chest and a slight frown wrinkling his thin brows.
In the face of another student, he had no excuse for his absence from class. He blushed a little and hung his head.
Nakao-Senpai was standing beside him at the roof railing then, looking out over the grounds and beyond the school wall and gate towards Tokyo. The wind ruffled his hair a little, and there was a pleasant cold-flush on his cheeks when he turned and looked at Kadoma.
"Are you feeling any better, Kadoma-kun?"
"I-I . . . I'm fine, thank you. Like I told you—."
"You'd have been in class if you were feeling well." Nakao-Senpai's fingers brushed against Kadoma's gently. He took his hand from the railing, tucking them demurely behind him as he looked away from the older boy. "Kadoma-kun."
"I'm fine, Nakao-Senpai, I told you." He tried to smile reassuringly. "Thank you for your concern, but I can handle this."
"So something is wrong." Kadoma felt swears bubble up on his tongue, noting his slip of the tongue. He shook his head firmly, trying to negate Nakao-Senpai's concern. But the older boy gently touched his shoulder, and offered him a small smile. "Would you like to talk about it, Kadoma-kun?"
"No," Kadoma whispered, feeling the tears prick at his eyes again. It seemed strange that they hadn't fallen until now.
Nakao-Senpai was warm and comforting, arms wrapped around Kadoma's waist and cheek warm against his. Kadoma unconsciously gripped at Nakao-Senpai's uniform, eyes wide and unseeing, tears pouring down his cheeks with quiet, hitching breaths. He could hear Nakao-Senpai, distantly, telling him that it was alright and that if he just cried, then everything would look much better.
The feeling went out of Kadoma's knees as he let himself cry, and Nakao-Senpai sank with him to the roof, still holding him tightly. On the ground, Nakao-Senpai rocked him gently, simply warm and reassuring.
His lips were gentle against Kadoma's cheek, soft and tender. And then they were on his lips, still that gentle reassurance from his embrace, with understanding blinding beneath the surface.
Kadoma had never been kissed before, and from the awkward press of their lips, Kadoma made the assumption that Nakao-Senpai hadn't been practicing on others very much. He pulled back slowly and awkwardly, but it was Kadoma who ducked his head away with a blush and began to apologize.
"Why are you saying that? You didn't do anything wrong." Nakao-Senpai stood, and began to try and brush the chalk-dust off his uniform. It simply left hand shaped prints of the dust all along his legs and sleeves.
"You should . . . go to the laundry for that," Kadoma muttered, trying desperately not to stare at the rather large hand print on Nakao-Senpai's upper thigh.
"I suppose you're right." Nakao-Senpai stared at him quietly for a moment after he said that, and Kadoma fidgeted under the confounded expression on his schoolmate's face. After a few tense moments, Nakao-Senpai extended his hand to Kadoma, and pulled him to his feet.
In answer to Kadoma's averted yet befuddled expression, Nakao-Senpai pointed out, "You have dust on your uniform as well. My dormitory is closer; we can take our things to the laundry, and then I'll let you borrow one of my uniforms until everything's washed."
"Oh, Nakao-Senpai, I couldn't impose—."
"Nonsense," Nakao-Senpai interrupted, pulling Kadoma towards the stairwell door. "It's my fault you're covered in chalk-dust anyway. Come on."
Kadoma sat shyly in his undershirt and boxers, waiting for Nakao-Senpai to return from the laundry. They had been lucky to find Nakao-Senpai's roommate out—a note had been left that he was going into town with a couple of other students—so Nakao-Senpai and simply told Kadoma to "Sit. And don't move," until he got back.
The door opened, and for a moment Kadoma fidgeted. It was uncomfortable, sitting in his underthings, reminding him of the mild hazing he'd endured when he'd been placed in Dorm One at the beginning of the school year.
Kujo-Senpai had found the Second Years hazing him and three other First Years, and had immediately informed each older student that they would be helping out with wrestling team for the rest of the year. He had smiled at Kadoma very softly as the Second Years had scuttled out of the room under his chastening, and when the other First Years had gone to their room, Kujo-Senpai had spoken to him like . . .
Like . . .
"Kadoma-kun, come over here. We have to make sure this uniform fits."
Kadoma jumped a little and, blushing, rose to his feet and scurried over to Nakao-Senpai's side. Though they were almost the same size in the shoulders and hips, Nakao-Senpai was a good five or six centimeters taller than Kadoma; now, looking at the slightly larger uniform, he wasn't sure it would fit.
"Go on," Nakao-Senpai said, shoving the uniform into Kadoma's hands. "Put it on. Let's see."
Under Nakao-Senpai's critical gaze, Kadoma slipped into the dress shirt and pulled the pants up over his legs. They were a little long, but it wasn't nearly the difference Kadoma had thought it would be. The jacket was, in fact, a little bigger in the shoulders and longer in the arms than he'd expected; he fidgeted with the end of the sleeves as Nakao-Senpai circled around him.
"It'll do, for now. I'd like it back as soon as possible."
"I could just go to my dorm without—."
"In only your underthings?" Nakao-Senpai grumbled, clearly aghast by the idea. "If the automatons of your dorm didn't try to take advantage of you, someone from Dorm Three would try to pull you off and do . . . something to you."
"My dorm mates aren't as bad as you think they are, Nakao-Senpai. Kujo-Senpai, he . . ." Kadoma had no sufficient words for the older student, and he felt himself blushing powerful under the combined thought of Nakao-Senpai's word and the warmth in Kujo-Senpai's eyes when Kadoma was performing particularly well in karate.
Nakao-Senpai leaned slowly into Kadoma's line of sight, a small grin on his face.
"Have you told him about it?"
"Told who about what?" Kadoma squeaked. Nakao-Senpai giggled very softly, covering his mouth demurely as he sat on his bed.
"Have you told Kujo-san that you have a crush on him?" Nakao-Senpai said. His smile was not nearly as assuming as Kadoma would have expected. Still, Kadoma blushed even darker under Nakao-Senpai's gaze, and he fidgeted with the uniform sleeve again.
"I, uh . . . I haven't got a c-crush on—."
"Oh, pish," Nakao-Senpai chirped. His voice became softer when he said, "I can see it in your eyes. Even when you're not around him."
"Nakao-Senpai." The older student stretched widely. His eyes were a little clouded, and Kadoma forcefully stopped his fidgeting to step over to the Second Year and kneel before the older boy.
Nakao-Senpai was still in his undershirt and boxers. His knees were very warm under Kadoma's shaking hands. His gaze was surprised, perhaps understanding, as Kadoma rose very slowly from the floor—still on his knees, hands on Nakao-Senpai's thighs—and leaned in very slowly.
Their noses brushed. Nakao-Senpai gave a nervous giggle, but quickly quieted himself.
Their second kiss was no better than the first. Kadoma thought his lips were dry and chapped; they felt rough against Nakao-Senpai's soft, tender lips. His tongue darted out to touch his own lips . . .
And ended up brushing against Nakao-Senpai's. The older boy gave a startled little gasp, his lips parting to the soft dart. It was a simple thing for Kadoma to tilt his head a little to the left and let his tongue tap at Nakao-Senpai's teeth.
Their teeth clicked, and they pulled away with nervous giggles. Nakao-Senpai's hands were splayed along the breast of the uniform coat, his thumbs managing the buttons easily. He didn't lift his eyes from Kadoma's throat, perhaps too shy or embarrassed about what he was doing.
"We can't . . . do anything," Nakao-Senpai whispered. His voice was hoarse and strained. He pushed the uniform coat off Kadoma's shoulders, and pulled at the shirt underneath, untucking it from the waist of the slacks. "We can't . . ."
Kadoma shyly undid a few of the small white buttons, and Nakao-Senpai pulled the shirt over his head.
"What if someone hears?" Kadoma asked, too used to the paper-thin walls of his own dorm. He'd woken more than once to sounds in the room beside his, shaking and wondering why it had to be his side of the room that touched that of the promiscuous young man beside them.
"We aren't doing anything." Nakao-Senpai pulled Kadoma onto the bed, pushing the slacks off his hips. Their eyes still didn't meet.
Nakao-Senpai's hands were hot through the cotton of Kadoma's undershirt. This time, as their skin touched, Nakao-Senpai did not pull away as though Kadoma had burnt him. His fingers tripped delicately over the cotton, and then peeked shyly underneath when they reached the hem of the shirt.
Kadoma shook, pulling away from Nakao-Senpai shyly. His fingers were thin and frail, lacking callouses and smooth against Kadoma's flesh.
His blushed brightly under Nakao-Senpai's gaze when the older boy tugged his shirt off and cast it off the bed to lay with the uniform. He pulled the curtain on his bunk, leaving them in the half-dark. His own undershirt came off much more shyly, and after it was pushed through the curtain, they sat in unsure silence, staring at each other's pale chests.
Nakao-Senpai gave a nervous little giggle, and very soon Kadoma joined him, until they were both laughing stupidly. Still, their eyes did not stray to each other. Slowly, Nakao-Senpai slid closer to Kadoma; Kadoma slid back, his knees coming up before him as he settled against Nakao-Senpai's pillows.
Their eyes met for a moment. Nakao-Senpai smiled very shyly, his blush high and dark. He quietly said, "We can't do anything," again. Then, he leaned in for another kiss as his hand skated up Kadoma's shin very slowly.
When the hand rested on his knee, Nakao-Senpai very slowly pushed that knee aside, slipping his thin body between Kadoma's knees, parting them further. Kadoma's legs slid listlessly to either side of Nakao-Senpai's body, and he shifted awkwardly against the press of Nakao-Senpai's thighs against the back of his own.
Nakao-Senpai's hands skated along his chest slowly, and Kadoma gasped when fingers pinched at one of his nipples. Blushing furiously, he pulled out of their mostly chaste kiss, staring at Nakao-Senpai through the slight fall of his bangs and the curl of his lashes. His body bowed a little; it was pleasant to have Nakao-Senpai touch him like that.
"What are we doing?" he asked quietly. His voice sounded tinny and gravely to his ears. Nakao-Senpai's mouth was close to him again, breath hot and humid against Kadoma's cheek.
"Does it matter?"
"This is something," Kadoma contested, worrying his lip a moment as Nakao-Senpai shifted attention to his other nipple. "You said we couldn't do anything."
"We just can't . . . do that."
Kadoma blushed. His hand was on Nakao-Senpai's wrist, encouraging instead of pushing away, and he turned his head slowly to find Nakao-Senpai's lips as he shut his eyes.
It seemed wrong, to do anything like this with his head heavy with thoughts of Kujo-Senpai. But then, Kadoma presumed that Nakao-Senpai wasn't thinking solely of him as his fingers squeezed and rolled and his tongue darted awkwardly between Kadoma's parted lips.
Nakao-Senpai shifted against him gently but insistently, and his absent hand slipped back to Kadoma's leg. Slowly, his leg was pushed up towards his chest, angled away gently, and Nakao-Senpai was suddenly even closer, his body hot against Kadoma's, and very insistent as their hips brushed shyly.
"Ah!" Kadoma pulled away from Nakao-Senpai's kisses, eyes wide and unsure. Nakao-Senpai looked startled as well, staring down the length of their bodies to where their hips were touching intimately.
Kadoma could feel Nakao-Senpai's heat through the cotton of their boxers. Shyly, slowly, he reached out his shaking fingers and tucked them under the waistband of Nakao-Senpai's boxers, beginning to tug them down.
"Wh-what are you—."
"We just can't . . . do that, right?" The boxers came down over Nakao-Senpai's hips, and for once, Kadoma was glad they had communal showers in their dorm; he did not blush as Nakao-Senpai's erection sprung from the confines of the cotton shorts, and succeeded in removing them and dumping them off the bed.
"I . . . I guess . . ." Nakao-Senpai's voice shook, deep and husky, and his eyes followed Kadoma as he shifted on the bed unsurely.
He removed his own boxers, hoping to relieve some of that nervousness he could see in Nakao-Senpai's eyes and knew was written all over his face. Then, facing the older student and his legs tucked demurely under him, he let his fingers slowly trail down Nakao-Senpai's chest.
Unlike Nakao-Senpai, he did not stop at the round disks of the other student's nipples, but kept his touches light and skating, until he reached Nakao-Senpai's hips. Staring at the swollen pink flesh, he couldn't help but blush a little, but told himself that it was much to late to turn back now.
Nakao-Senpai's back bowed awkwardly as Kadoma wrapped his fingers slowly around his erection and gave an experimental tug. Kadoma's hands shook, unsure if he should continue. But Nakao-Senpai let a soft mewl of appreciation slip pass his lips, and Kadoma could feel a slight smile of pride break onto his face.
It took far less time to have Nakao-Senpai gasping and spent than Kadoma had thought. He sat, still hard and highly embarrassed, as Nakao-Senpai lounged against the wall and tried to catch his breath, all glowing blush and a slight sheen of sweat. Kadoma shifted on his knees, trying not to stare at Nakao-Senpai's body.
"I . . . should go," he whispered.
"Wait, you haven't—." Nakao-Senpai grabbed his wrist, but Kadoma only smiled a little.
"It's alright, Nakao-Senpai. Really." But the older boy just stared at him. Kadoma, allowing Nakao-Senpai to retain his hold on his wrist, slipped off the bed and stood just outside the curtain. It took a moment before Nakao-Senpai's face peeked out through the break in the curtains.
"It isn't alright," Nakao-Senpai grumbled, but it was clear he had nothing to hold Kadoma back with.
He dared a kiss, and Kadoma could feel the tears in his eyes when he forced himself to pull away. "I'm sorry," he whispered, lips barely brushing Nakao-Senpai's. "But I have to go. It's . . . late."
Nakao-Senpai huffed angrily, and disappeared into his bunk again as Kadoma grabbed his boxers and undershirt.
He left the uniform strewn on the floor.
Lunch, three days later, was an awkward affair. Ashiya-Senpai had invited Kadoma to sit with them during the meal, all smiling glee and amiable attitude. Nakao-Senpai, a blush on his cheeks, had hissed something to him, which proved only to draw attention to him from Nakatsu-Senpai, as well as several other Dorm Two students.
Ashiya-Senpai had patted the spot next to him, all smiles and perfectly ignorant of the sudden strain it put across Nakao-Senpai's face. Kadoma, blushing a little, quietly sat, and tried not to look across the table at Nakao-Senpai.
It took a while, but the flow of lunch eventually overtook everyone else. Nakao-Senpai was still painfully stiff in his spot, eating quickly and stiltedly, eyes riveted to Kadoma's lunch tray.
A tap to his shoulder made Kadoma jump. He found himself staring into the sharp, warm eyes of Kayashima-Senpai, and blushed a little in surprise.
"Are you alright, Kadoma-kun? Your aura is very . . . . It's different than normal."
"Aah." Kadoma tried to laugh reassuringly, but it came out strained. "Just stress from exams, I suppose." But Kayashima-Senpai stared at him for a moment more, his eyes distant and knowing, slowly skating between him and Nakao-Senpai.
Nakao-Senpai, who was watching the side of Kadoma's head very intently. Kayashima-Senpai's eyes grew worried as his gaze cut back to Kadoma.
Kadoma jumped up, apologizing and saying he had to go and speak with one of the teachers. He dumped his tray unceremoniously into a trash bin, tears blurring his eyes as he hurried out of the cafeteria.
"The roof again? I think you're trying to get me to clean your laundry."
Kadoma didn't turn to look at Nakao-Senpai. He didn't have to. Nakao-Senpai strode up beside him, and stood their silently. Their hands brushed on the railing, and this time, Kadoma didn't snatch his hand away.
"Why did you let me . . ."
"It felt nice," Nakao-Senpai slowly replied, looking over at Kadoma. He sighed quietly, and asked, "Have you told Kujo-san how you feel about him yet?"
"Yes," Kadoma whispered towards his fingers. Nakao-Senpai blinked owlishly at him for a moment.
"What did he say?"
"He didn't say anything," Kadoma hissed, tears stinging the corners of his eyes. He shook his head, and repeated his words sullenly.
Nakao-Senpai smiled softly, and wrapped his arms slowly around Kadoma. "You're very brave, telling him."
"I don't feel very brave," Kadoma grumbled into Nakao-Senpai's shoulder.
"No, I suppose you don't." He laughed humorlessly, and continued, "And I suppose everything that happened only made you feel less brave. Is that why you didn't let me . . ." As he spoke, his fingers had skated along the button front of Kadoma's uniform coat. Kadoma shivered a little.
The hands fell away, and Nakao-Senpai took a step back. He smiled sadly and said, "He hasn't answered you? Go and talk to him again. I suppose something like that takes some thought."
"I—." He stared at the shy sadness in Nakao-Senpai's eyes, and sighed. "What about you? When will you tell the person you love?"
But Nakao-Senpai just laughed, and pushed Kadoma towards the stairwell door.
Kadoma didn't look back at Nakao-Senpai as he quietly whispered, "Thank you," and went on his way to talk to Kujo-Senpai.
"Ah, Kadoma-chan. You didn't come to practice yesterday. Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm sorry, Kujo-Senpai. I was . . . thinking."
"Oh? About what, Kadoma-chan?"
"About . . . what I told you the other day, Kujo-Senpai, after practice."
Kujo-Senpai actually faltered in his movements. He returned to first form, and began again, but peered at Kadoma's reflection in the mirror. The flush on Kadoma's cheeks was shy and precious, but his eyes were serious, catching Kujo-Senpai's in the mirror.
He fell out of form, and turned to face Kadoma. There was a soft smile on his lips, one he didn't show many other people. His fingers, lightly calloused and so big, cupped Kadoma's cheeks gently, and he bent to kiss Kadoma's brow.
"You mustn't rush these things, Kadoma-chan. How do you know how you feel?"
"But I do. I . . . I love you, Itsuki."
There was nothing else to do. With Kujo-Senpai so close and his mind still ringing from Nakao-Senpai's words and actions, Kadoma rose on his toes, and gently kissed Kujo-Senpai on the mouth.
When he pulled away shyly a second later, Kujo-Senpai remained, stunned and immobile, only his eyes tracing the nervous shift of Kadoma from foot to foot. Kadoma flushed darkly, ducking his head and forcing himself to be still.
"I had to. Just once. Once, before . . ."
"Kadoma-chan . . . Shotaro."
Kujo-Senpai saying his name was always like a dream. Now, a sparkle of hope bubbled in his chest. He dared to raise his gaze to the older student.
"You are . . . young." Kadoma's hopes fled to be replaced with a cold flutter in his belly. "How do you—?"
"I understand, Kujo-Senpai."
"No, Shotaro," Kujo-Senpai said, his voice a little rough. He grabbed Kadoma's chin, tilted it back until their eyes met. "You don't understand. And it's those words that had you running out before I had a proper chance to answer when you told me at first. Now, listen:
"I'm older than you. At the end of this year, I will graduate and go to university. You will move on, if you allow yourself; I cannot guarantee that I will be waiting when you get to university, Shotaro." His voice fell away for a moment. Kadoma sighed dejectedly, turning his face away.
Kujo-Senpai quietly finished, "But I will try. For you, Shotaro, I will wait."
His lips were not as soft as Nakao-Senpai's had been. But they were so much sweeter.
Owari