Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and all of its characters.

Sharing the Burden

About the story:

I've been playing around for a while with the idea of changing one thing from the beginning of caretaker that ultimately brings Janeway and Chakotay together, and this is my attempt at doing that. I should probably take this time to give warnings that this chapter and subsequent chapters will contain adult topics, and also some bad language, so if you're offended by swearing you have been warned.

To help guide you through this story, I've assumed that most things that happened during the actual episodes would still happen, and occasionally I've written a slightly different version of what happened during, before or after the episode so that it fits better with the alternate universe. This story mainly concentrates on how the Janeway/Chakotay relationship could have been different over the course of their journey through the delta quadrant. The different sections of the story jump to different points in time (in chronological order), often months at a time, so I've written the amount of time from Voyager's entry into the delta quadrant at the top of relevant sections, and where I can I've written the relevant episode title to give you a better idea of what's going on.

Good knowledge of episodes will help, reviewboy and other such sites give detailed reviews of all episodes if you're unfamiliar with, or haven't watched an episode in a long time.

Enjoy.

Chapter 1: From Bad To Worse.

Eight weeks

Kathryn sighed tiredly as she picked up yet another report, and sadly realised that she still had another eight to go through before she could go back to her quarters that night. Instinctively she picked up her coffee mug, but as she held it up to her mouth, she caught smell of the pungent liquid, and for some reason it didn't seem as appealing as it normally did, so she placed it back on her desk.

As she started to read through the engineering report, the familiar bleep for the door to her office sounded. "Enter," she called out, barely bothering to look over the edge of the padd as the doors opened to reveal her maquis first officer.

"Lieutenant Kim said that you were doing reports in here," he entered slowly into her office, "night shift is overly quiet so I thought I would come in here and help you out with them."

A ghost of a smile traced her lips and she shook her head, "it's okay, I've only got a few more to go."

He was now standing opposite her desk, "you know it is customary for the captain and first officer to go through ship reports together, after all, we do run this ship together."

She sighed and leant back in her chair. Looking up at him she tried to work out whether she would get the job done quicker without him or if he really would be an asset. She then realised that doing the reports alone for two hours was already starting to drive her mad, another two might just take her over the edge. Deciding that the companionship might be good, and it was after all his idea to help, she nodded, "take a seat," she instructed, then handed him Tuvok's report on ship security, "read, summarise, then we can discuss."

Chakotay smiled as he activated his padd, "you know for a moment there I started to wonder whether or not I was just a token first officer."

"What made you think that?"

He shrugged, "It's a sign of distrust when a captain starts to work independently of her first officer."

She grinned amusedly, "learn that at command school?"

"Admiral Preston, structure and command module one."

"Ah, a Preston student, apparently you're meant to be some of the best," she quipped.

He looked across at her, "you never had him?"

"Professor Thornton actually," she told him who she had taken the module with.

"Ah..." he laughed. Professor Thornton was renowned for losing half of his class within the first few weeks through overloading them with work; those that didn't drop out and didn't keep up were kicked out, and those that kept up to date with the deadlines were faced with even more coursework. "Apparently some of the better," he stated a well known fact within the command circle.

She shrugged off his comment, and not before long the two of them had shifted into a comfortable silence as they read through their padds. After twenty minutes Kathryn put down her padd on her desk, causing Chakotay to look up and across at her. "I've just finished reading Torres' report," she declared.

"And…"

"You forgot to tell me how thorough she was when you recommended her for chief," she shot him a semi-serious glare. "It seems that in the past six weeks not only has she got Voyager's engines and most systems up to the same standard as when Voyager left space dock, but she has also increased warp efficiency by five point three percent, the gel packs by two point seven eight percent, and is starting to show herself as a proficient hologram engineer, fixing more than eight minor malfunctions with the EMH." She leant back in her chair, "and I'm only mentioning a small portion of what she has achieved over the past couple of months we've been out here."

Chakotay smiled, "that's B'Elanna for you."

She picked up another padd, "maybe I should pay more attention to your advice in the future."

"You don't already?" he raised an eyebrow.

Smiling she shrugged, "well, you are just the token maquis first officer."

He took her joke in the right manner and chuckled lightly, returning to the boring Vulcan drool on the padd in hand.

After they had gone through the security report, which took longer than either of them had expected as they discussed many of the security points which Tuvok had raised, they both took a short break and replicated fresh mugs of coffee. It took them another half an hour to finish, and by that time it was almost midnight.

"Enjoy the rest of gamma shift," Kathryn said with a cruel smile, knowing how dire it could be at the best of times.

Chakotay smiled good naturedly, "I will." He stood from his seat opposite, but then wavered for a moment, causing her to look up at him when he didn't leave immediately.

"Yes?" she questioned.

He pulled gently at his earlobe and after a moment's hesitation he decided to go ahead and say it anyway. "I overhead Tom Paris talking to Harry Kim this morning… I'm not sure if what I heard was correct."

"What did you hear?" she looked up questioningly at him.

Again there was a short pause before he answered her. "Paris said that you were pregnant," her first officer shrugged awkwardly, "I'm guessing that somewhere along the line a message has become distorted." He looked across at her, waiting for her to laugh off his suggestion, she didn't. "Are you?"

Slowly she nodded, "I wasn't planning on telling anyone; Paris must have seen my medical files last time he was on duty in sickbay."

There was a short pause, "well I guess I'll be one of the first to congratulate you. You and your fiancé were trying for a baby?"

Kathryn shook her head, "no, but we did intend to have children eventually. As you can imagine this has come as quite a shock."

Chakotay smiled easily across at her, "I can also imagine that the delta quadrant isn't your preferred place to raise a child, especially without your fiancé," he stated. "Let me know if there's anything that I can do to make things any easier for you."

She watched him as he gave her one last short smile, obviously not entirely comfortable with this unexpected situation, and then walked towards the exit. She closed her eyes and sighed inwardly at what she was about to ask, "actually commander," he stopped in his tracks and turned around, "there is something you could do for me."

He nodded, "sure."

"I would prefer it if you didn't tell anyone else about this pregnancy," she instructed.

"That's not a problem," he smiled, "I understand that you need time to come to terms with this before the rest of the crew finds out."

"They're not going to find out," she stated, "I need you to do damage control; tell Paris to keep the information to himself, and to find out who else he has told so that you can tell them that Paris was mistaken."

Chakotay thought about her request for a moment, before noticing one major flaw, that people would start to notice eventually that the captain was pregnant. Then it dawned on him, "you're not keeping this child are you?"

"As you said," her face was completely expressionless, "the delta quadrant isn't the best place to raise a child, and as the captain of this ship, I don't see how it can be done."

Biting his lip to avoid saying what was on his mind, he nodded, "I'll talk to Paris."

Just as he turned to leave she thanked him, but he didn't respond, deciding to leave her office before she asked anything more of him.

-

Chakotay stepped into the busy mess hall for breakfast. The Telaxian cook was busy in the kitchen no doubt cooking up another delta quadrant surprise. It was eight weeks since Neelix had assigned himself as the ship's cook, and although Chakotay and many of his maquis friends were trying to give his cooking the benefit of the doubt, they were starting to veer towards the conclusion that Chell had the upper hand when it came to culinary skills. This was no compliment on the Bolian's cooking, but more an insult to the Telaxian's.

"Hello there Mr commander Chakotay," the first officer was greeted warmly by the chef as he came to the front of the queue.

"Good morning," he yawned having finished serving the remainder of his night shift on the bridge.

A bowl of something that appeared to be a life form in the shape of spaghetti was placed on his tray. "Have you heard the good news?"

Chakotay shook his head, hoping beyond hope that Neelix was going to say that they found a store of croissants in the back of a cargo bay and from now on they would be eating a continental breakfast every morning. "I'm not sure that I have," he responded.

The alien beamed, "captain Janeway is pregnant."

Swinging his head round and looking directly at Neelix he silently preyed that he had misheard.

The Telaxian seemed blissfully ignorant of the sudden change in mood of the man in front of him, and chirped happily to himself as he went on to serve the crewman behind Chakotay, pleased to elaborate on the news the young officer had just overheard.

It only took Chakotay a few moments to locate Tom Paris in the middle of the busy mess hall, sitting with ensign Kim as they chatted amongst themselves. Picking up his tray, he made a beeline for their table, unaware of his maquis friends trying to catch his eye as he went past.

"Lieutenant," he greeted as he put his tray down on the table, and took a seat beside Harry.

"Commander," Paris gave him such a sugary smile that it made him feel slightly nauseous, "I hear you had a rather uneventful night shift."

"What have you been saying about captain Janeway?" He cut in before Tom could say anything else.

The pilot frowned, "about her being pregnant?"

"Yes. How did you find out, and who have you told?" he got right to the point, not wanting to spend too long with a man who had betrayed him and his crew.

Tom paused, confused by what it had to do with his commander. "The Doctor told me yesterday," he explained, "because he wanted me to keep an eye on the captain during bridge duties. I've only told Harry," he shrugged, then seemed to remember something, "and Kes."

"And that's all?"

"Yes. Why?"

Chakotay sighed, and quickly worked it out by himself. The doctor told Tom, who told Kes who told Neelix, who seemed to be telling the entire crew. Noticing that both Tom and Harry were looking expectantly at him he sighed, "it doesn't matter," he rose from the table, "lieutenant, ensign," he nodded goodbye to them both and left the mess hall, forgetting entirely about his breakfast.

-

Kathryn sat down in front of the mirror in her bedroom, and armed with pins she began the battle with her hair. She wondered some days why she didn't just cut it off, it was impractical, difficult to look after, took forever to dry and drove her mad as she struggled to put it up into a more practical style. However whenever she came close to losing it, she always backed out, feeling as if she was about to say goodbye to a long friend; and so it stayed on her head, a constant reminder that she loved to make things difficult for herself.

Putting the last pin in place she looked at her reflection in the mirror, not the same face she had remembered seeing almost twenty years ago when she had first worn a Starfleet uniform, but still vaguely recognisable. Opening up a box she removed her pips and placed them almost ceremoniously on the neck of her uniform. Once done she straightened her jacket and stood from her seat.

Entering into the main living area she noticed her barely touched coffee on the table and a cleared bowl as a pang of hunger had over taken her that morning and caused her to replicate cereal. She guessed it was part of the pregnancy, either that or her eating habits had had a freak rethink without informing her. She cleared the table, and tried to do the same with her mind, trying not to think about if her child would have her blue eyes, or Mark's dark brown. Fortunately she was distracted by someone at her door. "Enter," she called out as she placed the bowl and mug into the replicater.

The maquis captain entered, then she corrected herself as a voice inside her head reminded her that he was now her first officer. "Chakotay," she greeted professionally as he stood awkwardly by her doorway, "come in."

He entered cautiously; this was the first time that he had been to the captain's quarters, and he was trying not to look around; to invade her privacy. However, he couldn't help noticing the very obvious feminine touch that her quarters had to it, the faint smell of perfume, and flowers in a vase on a book shelf, and the pictures of family and friends on the shelf below. He saw a painting hanging on her wall of a farm house, and another abstract one which he couldn't quite work out with just a simple glance.

She sat down comfortably on her sofa and indicated that he should sit with her, "anything I can help you with?" she smiled politely at him.

Pulling at his earlobe in obvious discomfort he crossed the space from the door to an arm chair opposite her and sat himself down. "I spoke to Paris," he broached the topic of their previous discussion late last night.

"Okay…" she waited for him to continue.

"I'm not sure I can do damage control on this I'm afraid," as he said it, he thought he saw her turn a paler shade, but wasn't sure if he had imagined it. "It seems that lieutenant Paris has only told two people, but amongst those two people was Kes, and it would appear that she has told Neelix, and well, but the time that I got to the mess hall, he was telling everyone who came within earshot."

Kathryn looked at him for a moment as she digested his words. Finally she leant back and pinched the bridge of her nose, frustrated that her initial plan was failing. "This is going to be a lot more difficult now that half the crew probably knows."

Her words were mostly to herself than to him so he waited a beat before interrupting her thoughts. "It doesn't have to be." She looked up sharply at him, a glare almost making it to her eyes as she feared he was about to interfere. "Whilst I was in the mess hall I was able to make a quick assessment of the crew's reaction to this news; for the most part they seem happy for you, and those who aren't are most likely indifferent."

"This decision has nothing to do with how I expect the crew would take the news to my pregnancy," she said sharply.

"I know," he said simply, his voice calm and reassuring, "this is to do with balancing your responsibilities to this crew and to a child, you don't think that you can give both the attention that they deserve, so you're choosing one over the other."

She knew she should be annoyed with him for trying to give her advise when she barely knew him, and hadn't asked for any, but for some reason she wasn't. "I chose to destroy that array, I knew that it would strand us here, and I made this crew a promise that I would get them back to their homes and families; I have to choose this crew over everything else."

"What if you didn't have to make a choice?"

Frowning she looked him in the eye, "what do you mean?"

"This crew seemed happy this morning when I was in the mess hall," he stated, "over the past few weeks, as the reality of our situation has slowly dawned on them, the ship morale has been getting lower and lower, but this morning they seemed to forget all about being so far away from home, and they were… excited I guess." He shrugged, "I'm not saying to have this child to improve ship morale, although that is what would happen; but what I am trying to tell you is that this crew will help you, they will do the baby sitting, the caring whilst you're on duty, the schooling, and give the attention that you may not always be able to give."

"Including the maquis crew?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Especially us maquis," he smiled, "you know we do have children on some of our ships and on our stations in the badlands."

Kathryn shook her head, "I'm going to have to give this some more thought."

"If you don't change your mind, we might still be able to tell people that Paris was mistaken, and most of them will probably believe it," he pointed out, "but you will probably have to put up with crewmen congratulating you over the next few days, and we will both have to knowingly lie to a lot of people."

When she didn't say anything else, and he realised that he had nothing left to say, he stood. "I'll be in my quarters if you need me," he informed her.

She nodded vaguely, and absently watched him as he made his way out of her quarters. Once he was gone her gaze drifted out behind her to the stars through her view port. Kathryn considered what he had said, that maybe she could be both a mother and a good captain; she had always hoped that one day she would have a child, and although now wasn't the ideal time or place, she wondered if it ever would be.

On the few occasions that her and Mark had argued it had always been about her resistance to settle down, her unwillingness to put her career to one side and concentrate on her personal life. It had taken Mark over a year to convince her to marry him, and she had only in the end agreed out of fear of losing him. They had been engaged for almost a year and a half before she had stranded Voyager in the delta quadrant and they hadn't set a date for their wedding; she still wasn't convinced that marriage was what she wanted, and he was quite content to wait for her to be ready to fully commit. They had both discussed and decided to start a family together at some point in the future, but that was to be after they were married, and when that happened was anyone's guess. Now it seemed she could have the child, but not the man.

Kathryn could just imagine Mark's response to her pregnancy. He would be stunned at first, then he would look at her for reassurance that she was happy with the news, she could see herself nodding, and his face would break into a delighted smile before taking his arms around her and telling her how much he loved her. They would set a date for the wedding for a few months after the baby was to be born, he would make immediate plans to move in with her, and soon they would be choosing a colour scheme for the nursery. There was no doubt in her mind that she would be keeping the baby if she was back in the alpha quadrant.

She wasn't in the alpha quadrant though; she was in the delta quadrant. She had a ship and a crew that she had to consider before anything else. Becoming a mother was just impractical; she didn't see how it could be done. Then her mind wondered back to Mark, to his child that was inside of her… she saw herself holding their baby in her arms for the first time, watching the child grow and learn, reading bedtime stories and playing games… she considered what Chakotay had said, about the crew helping to raise the child when she might not have the time or energy and for a long moment she thought it might just be possible to be both a mother and captain.

/\

Twelve weeks

It was a very strange dream that Chakotay awoke with: Cardassians dressed up in Starfleet uniforms chasing him around Voyager were the only details he was able to hang on to as he slipped back into the waking world. He glanced across at the chronometer, for a moment worrying that he had slept through his alarm, he hadn't; it was o-six hundred hours so he still had another hour before he had to get up.

He started as an arm snaked across his side, and a hand rested on his chest, lips were brushed lightly across his shoulder blade shortly accompanied by a sleepy grumble. He remembered his evening dinner with Seska in his quarters and turned to see her lying beside him, still mostly asleep. He sighed inwardly, kicking himself for not knowing better than to take the offered third glass of wine; two was his limit with her, and this is what happened every time he went over.

She seemed out of tune with his feelings of regret as she pulled herself awake and looked up at him with a lazy smile, "sleep well?" she asked as she snuggled against him.

For no other reason than out of politeness he allowed her to rest against his chest, but he didn't return her affectionate gestures as he knew the moment they got up he would have to explain to her that what had happened could not happen again.

"Dream about me?" she looked up at him.

"Maybe, I can't remember," he lied.

She let out a delighted sigh, "I'm still trying to separate my dream of you and the real you," she laughed as she started to place open kisses up his chest, she reached his mouth and kissed him deeply.

"Seska," he placed a hand on her arm to prevent any further advances, she looked up at him surprised as he shook his head, "we can't do this, we shouldn't have done this."

"What do you mean?" She sat up as did he.

"Last night was a mistake, please don't pretend that you think otherwise," he tried to avoid looking at her.

If he had have looked round, he would have seen her aghast expression, "you're not captain anymore Chakotay," she stated, "we can be together now."

"That doesn't change anything," he braved meeting her eyes, "we can't be together."

"Why not?" she pleaded, still managing to control the anger bubbling inside, "I know that you love me, and you know that I love you."

"It's not enough Seska," he insisted. "Our relationship is disruptive, not only to each other but to the people around us. You bring out the worst in me Seska, you make me feel so happy, and at other times you just make me so angry, and I can't deal with that; especially not now when I have so many more responsibilities, dealing with my emotions for you can't be distracting me from my new duties."

He looked away, and thought she might slap him, but she didn't even raise her hand, deciding instead to climb angrily out of his bed and stomp around his room as she put her clothes back on. He waited patiently, sitting on the edge of his bed as he watched her dress. Wearing most of her uniform she stood by his bedroom door and scowled at him, "you're eventually going to see that on this ship their aren't many women, and more importantly fewer women, if any, who would be willing to put up with a man like you. I hope for your sake that you realise this before I move on."

Hearing her move around his quarters for a few minutes longer, he eventually heard the doors open and then close as she left. Closing his eyes he let out a long breath, sagged his shoulders and dropped back against his bed, hoping to get another hours sleep before he had to get up.

-

Kathryn gave the EMH an annoyed look, as she attempted to explain again, "I must be at least sixteen weeks pregnant," she argued, sadly the last time she had been with Mark, and probably would not be with again for a much longer period of time.

"My records of foetal growth over the past four weeks that I have known of your pregnancy clearly indicate exactly twelve weeks gestation," he stated, "now if you told me that you could possibly be thirteen weeks along perhaps even fourteen, then that I could just about accept. But sixteen weeks at least…" he shook his head, "no, that's too long."

They were in a deserted sick bay, with her sitting on a bio bed and the doctor standing looking down at his sensor readings. They had been at the same argument for nearing four minutes, and neither showed any sign of giving in. "Then maybe there's something wrong with your programming," she suggested, normally restraining from such personal comments, but she gave herself the excuse that it was just her hormones getting the better of her.

"Maybe there is," he admitted, "maybe we should ask B'Elanna to get down here right now and settle this argument for us."

She glared at him, "I don't think we need to bring in a third party to decide over the exact date of the conception of my child."

Sighing he took a step back from his readings and shrugged, "all I can say with certainty, is that you conceived about twelve weeks ago, give or take a couple of weeks if you must… but are you sure that you didn't copulate with anyone about the time the caretaker brought us into the delta quadrant."

"Yes!" Voyager's captain exclaimed exasperatedly as such things were furthest from her mind during the entire incident.

"Then maybe you should consider something else…" he said slowly and almost calmly.

"Such as?" she rolled her eyes thinking that maybe it would be worth calling B'Elanna or Kim in to check over the hologram's schematics.

"Maybe Mark Johnson is not the father. Maybe you conceived aboard the caretaker."

It was a long moment that she looked at him in disbelief before she responded; "you cannot be serious."

"Think about it," he started as if delving into something wondrous and exciting, "the caretaker was experimenting to produce his own offspring but your child is completely human, so what if during his genetic experiments he impregnated you with someone else's DNA, either by accident or for some other unknown reason."

"So the father is someone on this crew?" she looked at him dubiously.

He shrugged, "maybe, or maybe someone from another crew he pulled in from somewhere else in the alpha quadrant. I could always run some tests for you," he suggested.

Kathryn held up a hand to stop him, "I don't want to know."

"You don't?" he was genuinely surprised.

She stood from the bio bed, "I have work to do." Kathryn looked sharply across at the EMH, "I don't want you talking about this to anyone else, is that understood?"

The EMH opened his mouth to say something, but then again noticed her glare and he thought better of it, slowly he nodded to indicate that for now he would drop the topic, but she didn't seem relieved as thought she might be. Without another word to him she jumped of the bio bed, and with a final glance she hurriedly left before he could deliver her any more bad news.

As she made her way back to her quarters she felt herself fortunate not to have run into any crewmen, as a polite smile or greeting was the last thing that she wanted. Eventually she found herself in the solitude of her quarters, and leant back against the wall as the Doctor's words slowly started to sink in; that maybe Mark wasn't the father. She sank to the ground, wishing at that moment that she hadn't decided to go through with the pregnancy; but then as she thought about it, her decision four weeks before had already been made for her once the entire crew had found out about her predicament.

Silent tears ran down her face. She refused to accept for a moment that Mark wasn't the father; she had just been starting to come round to the idea of having his child, of having her own piece of him out in the unknowns of the delta quadrant with her. Now the only good thing about her pregnancy was being taken out from under her, and then where would that leave her?

Sighing, she realised how silly she must look, crying on the floor of her dark quarters. So she wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and stood up, deciding that the best thing to do for the moment would be to assume that there was something wrong with the hologram's programming, and that Mark was in actual fact the father of her baby. She would get ensign Kim to check the doctor's programming in the morning, and just hope that he did find something wrong."

To be continued.