Some random little thing that I thought up when I was bored. I guess it's end of season 8ish. Around there anyways. I'm not picky about time really, I just don't have any season 9 references.

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Some years ago, a list was started up to be given to all new SGC personnel. It grew over the years, new pieces being added by anyone who wanted to. It contained rules, tips, advice, and anything else that people felt like adding.

This is the most recent version:

How to Survive the SGC

Note: This list is never to be shown to any member of SG-1

Note: General O'Neill counts as member of SG-1

Never leave a man (or woman) behind. Ever.

Colonel Carter is not available. Ever. Even if you managed to escape the habit most of her boyfriends have of dying, you will subsequently be killed by all of the SGC personnel who will lose all of their money in the betting pools. And if you avoid them, you will be killed by General O'Neill. And if you avoid him, you will be killed by rabid shippers.

Never take the last bowl of blue jello, piece of pie, or cake, or the last cup of coffee.

Be very sceptical if anyone tells you that any member of SG-1, especially Dr. Jackson, is dead. Even if they are, they won't stay dead long, and you will just be making a fool of yourself.

Never call a member of the Tok'ra a Goa'uld. Technically they are, but never let them know that you know. By extension, General O'Neill is the ONLY person who can get away with calling them Snakeheads. Don't try it.

Alien influence is an excuse for anything.

Laptops interface with all alien technology.

If MREs taste like chicken, they are something completely different.

Using the Stargate does not make people Gods.

Knives penetrate Goa'uld personal shields. They can also come in handy in many other situations.

If a culture on a planet have something against one sex, or race etc. GET OUT!

Don't go around sticking your head into anything that looks like it could grab you and stick knowledge in your head.

Never let Dr. Jackson have more than one bottle of beer. Unless you are very bored, and feel like being entertained.

Do not call the doctor a Napoleonic Power Monger. Only General O'Neill can get away with that.

Do not avoid post-mission medicals.

Cute kids aren't always as innocent as they look.

If you are stuck in a time loop and are one of the only people who remembers, have fun.

Don't make Yu jokes. You will be killed. They've all been done. All of them.

Never trust a Goa'uld.

If you can't find Dr. Jackson, he's in the infirmary.

If you can't find Colonel Carter, she's in her lab.

If you can't find General O'Neill, he's in Carter's lab flirting with her.

If you see Pete, shoot him. You will be doing everyone a favour.

Never mention the betting pools to any member of SG-1

If you are a scientist, do not talk to General O'Neill. It is a waste of time. The only scientists he ever listens to are Colonel Carter and Dr. Jackson. And he doesn't listen to them very much.

Don't be offended if General O'Neill calls artefacts rocks.

Don't be offended if General O'Neill calls technology doohickeys.

Don't box with Teal'c. At least not if you expect to win.

Don't play ping-pong with Teal'c. It will cause you much pain.

Don't mention the fact that Teal'c room is a major fire hazard. Everyone knows that. If you want to do something about it, go ahead.

Do not touch any facial hair Teal'c might have.

Plan A will not work

Plan B, C, and D are also unlikely to work

If you killed someone evil, they are not dead.

Teal'c knows exactly how many times SG-1 has saved the world. Ask him.

If a member of SG-1 is unconscious, you will never find them alone.\

The Tok'ra cannot survive for long without their human guinea pigs (SG-1)

Don't laugh at allergies. They can be useful.

Don't trust Kinsey.

Don't trust Maybourne.

Do not refer to Teal'c or any other Jaffa's symbiote as Junior. Only General O'Neill can get away with that, and only with Teal'c.

Archaeologists do carry guns sometimes. And they also know which end the bullets go in.

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Well that's all I've got for now. I want suggestions, because that'll be what makes up most of any further chapters. So comment and give suggestions.