It's amazing. After one and a half years, the Author is actually going to finish–

The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant

(final) judgment

"Kuya? Why did you bracket the word 'final' with parentheses?"

"Oh, that? That, my dear Jessica, is 'foreshadowing'."

"But don't you find the word 'final' morbid?"

"Ah. That. That is intentional."

"Kuya… you're beginning to scare me…"

"Am I? Hee hee hee hee…"

"As you might remember," Kira explained to the audience, "Contest judge Yuna died in the very beginning of this contest and was duly replaced by Miss Erica Simmons."

"Similarly," Athrun explained, "We had to replace Chairman Dullindal when he disappeared. We were only able to get him here just now."

"Everyone," both hosts proclaimed, "Please welcome–"

A familiar grumpy British critic walked up the stage.

"– Mr. Simon Cowell!"

No applause.

"Mr. Cowell, do you have any words for the contestants?"

Simon put a mike to his lips. "The Coordinators are all disqualified," he said.

"WHAT??"

That was all the Coordinators present: contestants, hosts and audience.

"I don't mean to be rude," Simon began.

The crowd booed.

"But Coordinators' genes have been artificially manipulated and enhanced," Simon continued. "That is against the rules of this beauty contest, which among other things also forbids silicon implants. So," he told the sole remaining Coordinator contestant, "Get out."

"But," Lacus began.

"I've been known to call someone the worst singer in the world," Simon said, "But you by far are the worst singer in the universe."

Lacus stared.

"You're even worse than Minmei. And by Minmei, I mean the Robotech one."

Lacus fled weeping to Kira. "Kira!"

"Don't worry, Lacus. I'll kill him."

"And you are the worst protagonist to head a Gundam show since 0083's Uraki Kou," was the dry return.

Kira's eyes flashed. "I'm definitely going to kill him…"

"You couldn't kill since Episode 31 of Gundam Seed."

"Tell that to Stellar and Shinn in Episode 32 of Gundam Seed Destiny."

Nearby, Stellar shivered.

Athrun restrained Kira. "Calm down, Kira. Calm down…"

"And you're more promiscuous than Madonna," Simon told Athrun.

"What?"

"You weren't happy with a princess, so you ran off and browsed through two ZAFT pilots, a fake Lacus and the female ZAFT pilot's younger sister. Even Britney Spears has better taste than you."

"Isn't that the truth?" Cagalli agreed.

"Cagalli!" Athrun protested. "It was Fukuda's wife's fault our relationship got ruined! Besides, fanon supports our pairing!" He paused. "Hey, wait a minute! Who's the second ZAFT pilot?"

"CURSE YOU, SIMON COWELL!! YOU'VE TURNED MAYU INTO AN ALIEN CREATURE MADE OF CRYSTAL SILICON THAT WISHES TO EXTERMINATE MANKIND!! I'LL KILL YOU!!"

"Where's oniichan?" Mayu wondered.

"I sense a disturbance in the Force," Tsubaki whispered.

"You're an asshole," Athrun growled.

"I'm sorry!" Simon shot back. "Sorry! Excuse me for having an opinion!"

"What about Stellar?" the blonde girl pouted.

"Extended are disqualified as well, since they are artificially improved humans," Simon told her.

"Stellar is angry. Stellar will kill you."

"Are you some kind of retard?"

Stellar produced a very sharp machete.

"Oh, get in line behind all the other people who want me to die," Simon scoffed.

Stellar's eyes went wide. "No! Stellar does not want to die!" Screaming, she bolted for an exit door that was locked.

"Other door," Simon advised.

There was a crash.

Simon looked impressed. "Wow, she was so excited, she broke the door…"

"So," Miriaria noted, "The only contestants remaining are me, Cagalli and Murrue?"

"What now?" Murrue asked.

"We decide on a winner." Simon pressed a button.

The floor beneath the audience opened. People fell screaming into the blackness.

"I take Jesus Yamato as my Gunda-" THUD

A large field of grass rose from the hole. The field was covered with unconscious audience members and obstacles usually found in infantry training grounds.

"This is an obstacle course filled with deadly military-grade traps," Simon explained. "At the far end is a medal. The first one to cross the killing field and get the medal wins."

"Wait just a damn minute!" Cagalli snapped. "What does this have to do with a beauty contest?"

"Nothing."

"Kuya… this isn't standard for a beauty pageant…"

"Well, I did a Miami Guns marathon a couple of days ago, they had a beauty contest episode, and I just though that–"

"… Kuya…"

"On your marks… get set… go!" Kira exclaimed.

"And they're off!" Athrun noted.

Miriaria got ahead easily. She skirted landmines–

"I've been to Cambodia!"

–evaded bamboo punji spears–

"Burma!"

–ducked .50 bullets fired by Rambo and 7.66mm bullets fired by Frank Castle–

"Helmajistan!"

–a horde of stampeding buffalo that ran down Mufasa–

"50 Percent Off closing sales!"

–and pretty much cleared the obstacle course hosting a spectacularly harmless laser (Sunbow and DiC say it's bullets, but the blasts look way too much like Star Wars blaster fire) battle.

"COBRA!!"

"YO JOE!!"

"Nothing can stop Miriaria Howe, ace camerawoman journalist!"

Then she noticed she was all alone in the crossfire. "Hey! Why aren't you girls even trying?" Miriaria demanded.

"Are you stupid?" Cagalli scowled from her place at Kira's side. "I am not risking my neck over this dumb contest."

"Sorry, Miriaria," Murrue apologized.

A big fat sweat-drop hung upon Miriaria's forehead.

Cagalli gasped. "Mir! Behind you!"

Waiting for her was a red sports car driven by an unshaven Arab. "Good afternoon, Miss," Ali Al-Sarshes, bane of all nosy reporters, greeted with an evil smile. "Care for a ride?"

Miriaria gulped.

In his hospital room, Dearka cheered. "Go, Prince Ali! Mighty is he! Ali al Sarshes!" Then he grimaced.

Cell phones and radios and sensors jammed. All that came out of them was white noise.

At that moment, a blue-and-white Mobile Suit came through the hole in the ceiling.

"Damn that white Mobile Suit," Ali swore as he drove off quickly.

"Where did that come from?" the audience exclaimed.

"Through the hole in the ceiling," Simon told them.

"Gun… dam?" Graham Acre read aloud the lettering where the white Mobile Suit's V-crest attached to its head.

Setsuna F. Sei regarded his surroundings. "Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant confirmed to be supporting warfare," he announced. "GN-001 Gundam Exia, beginning armed intervention."

"Kuya… you took so long to update, a new Gundam series came out already…"

"… sorry…"

"Don't tell me you're going to add the new Macross series here, too?"

"Hmm… Good idea. The Deculture lulz will be well worth it."

"… Kuya…"

The Strike Freedom flew into the battlefield and parried Exia's GN Sword. "Stop it, you!" Kira declared.

"He was supporting warfare," Setsuna replied. "Celestial Being will end warfare by destroying all those who wage warfare."

"I understand… I understand what you're saying… but Cagalli is crying!"

"I am not!" his sister protested

Yes, Cagalli was inside the Strike Freedom's cockpit. So was Lacus. And Fllay's ghost.

"How did they all fit in?"

"Yoga courtesy Radha Bairaban video tape sessions."

"Ouch… and wait, they still use VHS?"

Setsuna attacked Kira and company, cueing in the senseless exchange of battle dialogue.

"I am Gundam!" Setsuna declared as he used Trans-Am.

"Stop that," Kira said as he used Seed Mode. "If we really had a fight, there's no way you'd be able to beat me."

Setsuna docked with the GN Arms. "There is no God in this world!"

Kira docked with the METEOR. "No matter how many times they are blown away… we will plant flowers again."

"KIRA!!"

"SOHRAN!!"

"FREEDOM!!"

(Yes, that was who you think it was.)

"This is pathetic," Simon managed.

The battling Gundams stared at him, exchanged brief glances with each other, and turned on him.

Strike Freedom Gundam-METEOR and Exia Gundam-GN Arms killed Simon Cowell with Seven Swords + Double Super Lacerta Beam Saber Whirlwind Slash Combo Dynamic Kill!!

"Mission objective completed," Setsuna reported. "Returning to Ptolemaeus."

Exia flew off. Strike Freedom waved it off.

Athrun shook his head. "I should get used to these senseless battles… but I can't…"

Miriaria screeched. "The medal!"

The item glittered in the hand of a grimy but happy pink-haired Coordinator.

"Yes!" Meer cheered. "I won!"

"Meer won?" Athrun gaped.

"I'm the real Lacus now!" Meer declared.

Strike Freedom Gundam-METEOR killed Meer Campbell with Seven Colors of the Rainbow Beam Spam Dynamic Kill!!

"K-Kira…" Athrun groaned.

"Actually," Kira began.

"That felt good," Lacus enthused.

"I want the Akatsuki back," Cagalli decided.

"Stick with the Strike Rouge IWSP," Fllay advised. "Mwu already has the Akatsuki, and the Strike is always popular with the fans."

"And that ends the Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant," Athrun grimly concluded.

"Who won?" Murrue asked.

"Whoever did, we lost."

The Predators and Xenomorphs in the audience grunted in agreement. Stupid oomans...

Shinn shakily held his ground as the approaching Mayu sprouted green crystals all over her skin.

"Anata wa… sokou ni… imasuka?"

"Yes, Mayu, I already told you, I am here…"

A gigantic robot landed near them. It was 160 meters tall and sported all sorts of weapons.

"BETA spotted," Shirogane Takeru reported.

"Weapons armed and locked on," Kagami Sumika announced.

"Prepare to engage," Yashiro Kasumi agreed.

XG-70d Susanoo #4 opened fire a la Strike Freedom-METEOR.

"MAYU!!"

"Is there something wrong, Mayu-chan?"

"Eh? No, Tsubaki-chan. I just thought I heard oniichan call me. There's nothing wrong."

"I see. Hey, let me wash your back."

"Sure."

"Kuya… this isn't over yet, isn't it?"

"Nah."

To Be Continued