Hidden under a Smile

Disclaimer: a.) Not mine

b.) Mainly about Fai, his past and Kurogane

c.) written post 121, before 122 was released.

d.) No native english speaker

e.) Enjoy! -

V. Smile for me

Kurogane found the mage sitting outside, at the lakeside, where he first collapsed. Though now he had regained consciousness, successfully fought off Tomoyo's physicians and made his way back on his own.

Nothing had changed about the smile, when Fai turned around to greet him.

"Hey there, Kuro-run."

The sheer normality of the scene sent shivers down Kurogane's spine, had his nerves snapping and in a split second he crossed the place and stood towering over the wizard. Slamming his hands down on the bench's backrest, he pinned Fai effectively in place.

Kurogane wanted answers. Wanted them now, that the sun had fully risen. And as he watched golden rays lightening up blooming flowers and flaxen hair, he was painfully reminded of the passing of time.

Each moment is unique, they say; though only now he truly felt what that meant. There wouldn't be another chance, another opportunity. No repetitions anymore – if he failed now, he failed forever.

Hands clenching involuntarily, he leant forward, desperate to glimpse what emotions played in those fathomless blue eyes after all masks had been abandoned.

Though, perhaps, he should have known that there were questions Fai couldn't answer. Perhaps he should have noted that his tumultuous emotions weren't only due to circumstances.

For some answers rested deep within his own heart.

"Did you know what would happen?" Rage coupled with passion set red eyes ablaze, their scorching gaze tearing through all pretences.

Blinking slowly, the smile wavered. "Yes."

"Why the hell did you do it?"

Because after all that had happened, all they had been through Kurogane thought Fai had eventually found a reason for living.

"Why?" he repeated, as if the answer should be obvious "For Sakura-chan and Syaoran-kun, of course. Those two deserve to be happy together, they've had it hard enough until now."

"But they had found the feathers, they would have managed just as well without those memories!" Kurogane protested.

A shadow of a teasing smirk fluttered over Fai's features. "My, Kuro-kun, one could think you cared. But, honestly, did you think it was that easy?"

Kurogane broke of mid-unvoiced-protest, blinking in confusion. He had no idea what the wizard was implying, could only stare at Fai's unusually grave demeanour. The sort of expression that had been reserved for talk of Hitsuzen, Ashura and the Past.

Had he mistakenly assumed all was over?

"You know that Fei Wang Reed was after Sakura's powers, don't you? And he interfered more than once, so, do you honestly think he would give up his life's only goal?"

"But wasn't that… didn't he already fail, when we got the last feather?"

The smirk became darker, slyer. "Oh, then, pray tell, why wasn't there more trouble with the other feathers? Why didn't he just send out his henchmen to collect them before we reached the world in question? No, Kuro-tan, you got that one wrong."

Kurogane kept red eyes fixed on the wizard, waited for him to continue.

"Actually, Fei Wang Reed wanted the feathers to be found in the end. Sakura's powers are amazing even without her feathers, but it's difficult to tell, whether this power might have sufficed."

"So he decided to sit back and wait?"

"More or less. The moment, Sakura would have returned to Clow, he'd have tried to strike again – the hole in her memories would have left her pretty vulnerable."

And it dawned on Kurogane.

"Yes, Kuro-chan, giving her back those memories pretty much sealed her mysterious powers and made her immune to any of Fei Wang's attacks. So, you see, it was quite a logical thing to do: on one hand protecting Sakura-chan's happiness, on the other hand dealing a nice blow to our long-time enemy."

Revenge was a dish best served cold, or so they said, but Fai's strike tasted of ice.

Fai took the stunned silence as an invitation to continue on, mercilessly and without holding back anything anymore.

"You see, it was all more or less fated, Kuro-ku. From our first encounter in the rain, to all the stops we made. Even your parents' death and Celes' demise – all had been nicely laid out before any of us were capable of walking. Until Sakura's last feather was to be found and from then on, it was the gamble of the great. People like Fei Wang Reed, or Yuuko could have tried to change the scene as far as their powers would have allowed them to.

But believe me, Kuro-kon, nobody expected this. Neither Yuuko, nor Fei Wang, nor any of those seers had any idea Sakura-chan might ever regain her earliest memories of Syaoran-kun."

The smile of his face was bitter, filled with atypical cold, malicious amusement and no small amount of pride. The mask had fallen, finally, and given away to the true royal magician of Celes. And this time he lived up to Kurogane's imagination.

Blond hair floating gently in a breeze, blue eyes alive with cold, ruthless sparkles, a superior smile on those lips – the sort of arrogance that came with power and knowledge that surpassed every-one else's.

And those incredibly beautiful blue eyes fixed Kurogane in a knowing stare, as he said.

"I did that. I made the impossible turn into reality, I tricked Hitsuzen."

Silence descended heavily. Singing birds, rustling leaves and the sun's warmth on Kurogane's back, as he kept mulling over Fai's words.

The dreary morning had by now given away to a beautiful day with clear blue sky and full, blossoming cherry trees and flowers. Spring was in the air, the first truly warm skies touching ground; promises of long evenings, warm summer nights and starry skies in the air.

They'd leave for the mountains soon, before the rain would start falling, on their annual procession. Tomoyo-hime, the nobles and her faithful ninjas. Visiting small villages, watching colourful rites performed, drinking fresh mountain water and chatting until the sun started to rise again at the eastern horizon.

They'd return to the castle just before the rain began, and afterwards the almost unbearable heat would follow. Long days spend lazing around, sitting at the lakeside and occasionally taking a dip.

And then autumn, with storms and vibrant leaves and golden light, before snow would cover it all.

Fai would have liked the seasons, Kurogane mused silently, he would have enjoyed the travelling, the mountain tales and lakeside excursions.

Too late, too late.

All too late.

"Those two won't ever know…" he mused and couldn't keep regret from tainting his voice.

Surprise on the magician's face. "Oh, they could, but I'd rather they won't find out. It… I suppose it would be somewhat… contra-productive. You understand that, don't you, Kuro-pi?"

With a growl the ninja nodded, though he still couldn't shake the consternation that had him frozen from the inside.

"Yes, yes. I get that, stupid mage. But… but…"

"But?"

"But what about you?" Kurogane burst out and Fai's eyes widened drastically.

"Me?" he repeated, incredulous "What about me? I … I did the best I could, didn't I?"

In the end, now, that it was too late, Kurogane found the words he had been looking for all along.

"Of course you did, idiot. I'm not talking about responsibilities or obligations, I'm not talking about what you are ought to or what you should do or have done. I'm not interested in fate, hitsuzen or however you want to call it, because that isn't what life's supposed to be about."

The smile had fluttered away as the words had reached their goal.

"For once, you could have decided about what you want to do with your life. Not what you should or must do, but what you want to. That's what I've been talking about all along."

And, since he was already talking as plain as possible, he found a little courage to voice a revelation.

"All I've ever hated about you was how you seemed to live only for somebody else's intents. But that sort of life can't make anyone really happy, since it's just a fake. And all I've ever seen when I've looked at you was such a doll."

Fai held his breath and Kurogane reached out, cupping the delicate face gently, letting his fingers glide softly across smooth, white skin.

"Powerful, intelligent and completely shaped to another's purpose. Not quite real, because something so essentially human was lacking, that spark of self-purpose, of will. I've always expected it to be hidden somewhere underneath all the layers of smiles and I still suppose that you're more than a hollow shell. That's the only explanation why you ran away, isn't it?"

He'd hit home, words cutting deeper than polished steel ever could have. Regret lacing each of them, glittering tears filling sky-blue eyes. All barriers down, emotions laid out open – their game was drawing up to a close.

"I'd hoped, I'd really hoped that you'd find a reason to live for yourself. Not for higher causes, somebody's agendas or another's plans – but for that, what makes even those who loose it all go on. The reason that makes people smile in true happiness, when they find something good in a sea of bad. What makes people enjoy beautiful days for just being alive. Living needs no justification, no greater cause, though…"

Eyes clenched shut, Fai cut in "But I…"

Kurogane nodded bitterly, remembering those horrid words of a childhood in poverty and then the dubious blessing of uncontrollable powers. Followed by a strict education, with nobody to assuage guilt or to quell the fears.

Only a busy King to lean on, and a steady demand to prove his worth.

Oh, it all came together so beautifully clear, so logical and yet completely wrong and horrid.

"I understand." Kurogane said and pale fingers reached out for his shoulders, digging into his skin "And it's still all good in the end. The kids are safe and sound and home, I'm home and my mother's death is sufficiently avenged. I don't even have to see you and the white bun continue a pointless journey and feel guilty or have to wonder if there wasn't anything I could have done…"

Speechless, Fai clung onto him, listening to confession after confession pouring from Kurogane's lips until trembling fingers begged him to stop. Eyes wide in denial, desperation and disbelief, he only had the strength to whisper:

"You wouldn't have… Kuro-pon… honestly… cared?"

Damned be pride, to hell with self-consciousness – time for truth. Kurogane grabbed Fai by the shoulders and shook him.

"Damn you, I do!"

There was such bewilderment on Fai's face that Kurogane felt the need to add.

"I always cared, and I still do. This is why I hoped, hoped for you to find a reason for living."

"I'm so sorry…" Fai whispered and when he gazed up at Kurogane the last damn had burst. Tears freely running down his cheeks, eyes wide and red-rimmed. For the first time ever the magician cried openly in front of him.

For the first time he saw those tears, not their shadows or trails, but he saw them falling. And beneath it all lay a bright, dazzling smile. True happiness mixed with pain, sadness and regret, though they were fading.

"I'm sorry and yet, I'm not." he laughed, sending Kurogane's heart into a frenzy "I think, I finally get it, Kuro-chan, I see what you mean. … I, oh, I knew what you said, logically, I knew it all… but now… I can see what you say… that a moment alone can be worth living for. This, this alone… god, I don't remember if I ever, ever felt like this … makes it all worth it."

Teary eyes sought him out, open and honest.

"What do you say, Kuro-pan, let's take this day and make it worth it all?"

And it couldn't have been more perfect. A wonderful day spend outside, warmed by the sun's rays and clear, happy laughter. Dizzing, dazzling, beautiful smiles and all became a blur.

High above, from a window, Tomoyo and Souma sat, gazing out at the scene, noting ruefully how the sun edged closer to the western horizon, how the light became more and more golden with each passing second.

"Poor Kurogane…" Souma said, "Won't his journey have been for nothing, now?"

A sad smile played over the princess' lips. "Unfair as it is, no, he learned his lesson well. He stronger, far stronger than I expected him to become."

"Indeed. He seems quite beyond that aimless slaughtered now, doesn't he?"

"Yes. Finally he reached the state, where his physical corresponds to his emotional strength."

And then the sun was setting, the sky aflame in colours. Golden in the west, gleaming red and purple overhead. Heart-wrenchingly beautiful, tightening the knot inside Kurogane's chest. It's ache close to unbearable, not long now, until the tears would start flowing.

"Thank you, Kuro-rin, thank you for… for everything, really. … Today… the past… I… I don't know… what I'd have done … without you…"

Not long now.

Each breath Fai drew was a little shallower than the former, and his eyelids kept fluttering. Even the intense lightening couldn't restore colour to his snow-white face – only his eyes seemed to sparkle all the more brightly.

Wrapped tightly into Kurogane's arms, almost too weak to move on his own, Fai found himself mesmerized by red eyes gazing intently down on him.

There were a dozen things to be red in the red gaze, regret, anxiousness and pain, and so many, many emotions too overwhelming for words to express. He wanted to banish them, the fear and the pain: they didn't suit the ninja.

Who shouldn't have ever looked so concerned, so upset. Not once, not since they'd met at the witch's place the ninja had shown emotions other than outrage and seriousness. The smug grin in a battle here, a hearty laugh there – but never this. A gruff sort of affection for the children, grudging respect for the mage…

Long-gone those times.

Felt like an eternity that the world had been "alright". Felt like an eternity that their dysfunctional family had gathered around some table in one world or another, spoken of feathers, enemies, friends and their missions. Or simply exchanged opinions on the local food, weather, clothes, occasionally comparing them to their original world's equivalents.

Looking back, those had been good, simple times.

To him, at least.

"Please…" a soft voice gasped, drawing him out of his contemplations.

Time had come and all Kurogane could do was drink in those last seconds, committing those sparkling blue eyes to memory, trying to freeze the emotions soaring high when beholding the dazzling, beautiful smile. Feeling smooth, cool skin underneath his hands, silky, fair hair brushing his arms…

In the end, this broken doll had found its way. After all the obstacles, when all had seemed lost and too late, they'd managed to find the last, missing piece and for one day, Fai had been himself. The one without the mask, without any smoke screens.

One day, worth it all.

"…Smile for me, Kurogane…"

Thank you for reading ( and reviewing). Hope you enjoyed it. -