Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any related characters… unfortunately.
A.N.: Okay, so here I go and submit this fic… I hope it's at least satisfactory, because it's my first piece written in English! I'm really excited and I'll appreciate any reading-reviewing from you guys!
CHAPTER 1 – We are not children anymore
The clouds seemed to talk to her, as she stood amazed on the rich grass of late spring, on top of that small hill by the castle. Curving along the sky, flowing from and towards it in a continuous stream, the mass of what seemed to have no shape whatsoever took every shape her mind could picture. Her childhood had gone by just like these clouds, she often thought to herself.
'All these years... They seemed not to end, and yet they have gone by so rapidly... just slipped away from me... Am I a child still?' Her unspoken question rested calmly in her mind, every once in a while throwing her off course, every once in a while becoming restless and making her wonder where she fit in, exactly. Her life had been a long line of travels and exciting new adventures by his side, always by his side. Her mind developed into a more attentive one, one more eager to obtain knowledge, thanks to him. She could not help but having these conversations with him, since she had turned 14 and became more aware of her condition.
Indeed, it seemed that she only met women who never questioned why men are the only ones that may learn how to read and write, why certain aspects of life were exclusively reserved to them, why... why... why... She had so many questions to ask him! However, she never did ask them. None, but this: "Sesshoumaru-sama... would it be entirely inappropriate for me to learn how to read and write?" Her eyes locked onto him at that moment with such intensity, that for a moment, he would found himself speechless in front of her question. "Why do you wish this, Rin?" he had asked her then, his voice calm, and almost parental. She frowned for a second, and then realized that his decision to teach her may very well hang from her answer. Not that he had ever been harsh on her, on the contrary, but he had never presented her with anything else but what she needed in order to survive: food, clothing, shelter, and protection... that kind of things. Education was never an issue... until then.
"I want to stop being a burden to you, Sesshoumaru-sama. I want to stop asking you all those questions that you surely find ridiculous, and to which you may think the answers are obvious... They aren't to me, and I'd like to be able to teach myself what I want and need to know..."
She had hoped her answer would be the proper one, for it was the truth, and she was incapable of lying to him. She had never even dreamt of trying. He could read into her like into... well... a book! He seemed to think about her words for a moment, before he said, "Need to know, Rin? You said need, not only want." He paused for a few seconds, in which she did not know what to answer. Surely enough, many things needed to be known, but she'd never asked herself what drove her to that need. Therefore, she opened her mouth only to let air out, and then close it again. Her eyes were begging him, and he made his decision.
"You will start tomorrow morning, Rin. Be a good apprentice and learn well. It is a chance few human females have: the chance to obtain education. Use it wisely."
She remembered that day as if it was the day before. In fact, it had been about two years since then. Meanwhile, Rin had learned how to read and write properly, every day since that blessed one when he had agreed to her becoming an "educated human female" bringing her more joy than the precedent, bringing her in front of a greater amazement and curiosity regarding the unexplored realm contained within those fragile pieces of rice paper. Sometimes, she was afraid to touch them, they seemed so delicate. Many times, she would remain at her small desk for hours after her lessons ended, so that she could only look at the elegant writing on those pages, so that she could barely touch the fine paper. It smelled alluring, or so it seemed to her. The library provided her with a thrill that could only be surpassed by Sesshoumaru-sama's smile when he gave his approval on her recent progress.
Her mind paused on the image of him smiling, and she realized that she could not face the feeling his smile rose inside her. She couldn't even clearly define it. It was as if a rush of cold water came over her body, and then turned the inside of her into butterflies. They flew away, wings flapping from the inside out, every time he would smile at her. 'But that so rarely happens...' she thought, and sighed. Her childish smile cleared her face of any sadness a moment later, though, as she forced herself to 'Stop being such a silly creature, Rin, and stay on task!'. So she again ignored the more and more powerful feeling that the sight of the Demon Lord of the Western Lands brought to her chest. She had been ignoring it for some years now, anyway... Did it really matter what it meant? Could it mean more that a child's play, anyway? Would he care if it did? She frowned for a second, feeling a sharp pain in her chest, as if a bee had stung her there. 'So silly, Rin!... Really...'
Her book was turning pages on its own, when she realized that she couldn't stay focused on the words. The wind blew the pages further and her hair rose around her face, covering it at times, and annoying Rin, as it prevented her from reading. She decided to stop reading for now, and try to regain her self-control, as it seemed that every time she would think about her closeness to the taiyoukai, and the strangeness of it all, her focus went flying out the window, and she could feel frustration gathering within her, for not being able to prevent that reaction.
Frustration, anger, loss, intimidation, obedience, melancholy, sadness, courage, were all feelings she couldn't name a few years before, although she'd felt them many times. Now, they came in waves upon her, covering her small being completely. It made her feel helpless in front of herself, she felt as if her entire body and her mind were trying to dissipate her, to scatter her will and to break her in some way. It did not make any sense, and every day she seemed to become more and more drawn to the thought of her mind being somehow altered by an outside influence. Otherwise, it couldn't have been explained. Her body had changed greatly these past years, some changes had been scarier than others and even painful at times, but she managed to surpass her fear and tried to understand what was happening with her. Now, since she had had the chance to talk to Kagome, she was more relieved, and she knew exactly where all those changes were coming from, and what happened inside her as they did. She had found that she'd missed the Mother in her life, and that Kagome was a very good one indeed, aside the fact that she had no children... yet. She often wondered what kind of mate was she to that funny and bad-tempered hanyou. They did not have any offspring, and as far as she dared give her opinion, it was probably better that they didn't. No argument about the fact that Kagome was a wonderful person, very calm and motherly when needed, but Inuyasha was an awful one to have around. She found that he bore no resemblance to his elder brother. He was too loud, too temperamental, and too easy to provoke. She didn't particularly like him, but he was kind of funny sometimes... Especially after she would hear Kagome say "Osuwari!"
She turned her head to the magnificent castle behind her, wandering why her Lord would leave it so often to pursue his travels, and get into all those fights with lesser youkai. Maybe it was requested of him, as a ruler. She'd read in her (or more likely his) books about wars throughout history, about great leaders and how brave and wise they were considered for being able to fight and win such great battles. She never questioned their strategies or their abilities to lead an army, but she found that a great leader was the one that prevented his lands from being scorched by the flames of war, and drained of life by senseless battles.
It wasn't fair that people should pay with their lives the dream of one single leader, taiyoukai or not. In that light, she was very proud that her Lord kept his lands free from the plague of war, and fought off any menace emerging from the other youkai's desire to gain strength. Surely, there were fights among them occasionally, but neither of them had led to a war breaking out. The only significant threat to the western lands was the existence of Naraku, that disgusting creature that lurked behind every dark corner for the appearance of a Shikon shard. He'd yet to gather all the shards, and Kagome was now holding the last of them in a small enchanted recipient around her neck. Everyone knew they couldn't be placed in a safer place, so not even Sesshoumaru-sama had tried to object to that decision.
Strangely enough, her Lord and his brother had come to a silent agreement not to try to kill each other every time they met, and Rin had her suspicions as to the fact that Kagome may have talked some sense into both of them. Sesshoumaru-sama seemed so much more receptive now than he had been 6 or 7 years ago, and Inuyasha's soft spot was named Kagome. Therefore, even though they wouldn't for the life of them admit to the fact that they didn't hate each other with such a burning passion... anymore, their behavior had improved greatly. Rin couldn't be other than satisfied by that outcome, as it gave her the chance to see Kagome more often, and talk to her about some of the things that preoccupied her mind.
There were all sorts of things, but mainly she would ask questions about Kagome's time, the way people acted and thought then, and there were very few times that she would not be amazed to discover the differences between the two eras. She especially found unbelievable that women attended schools as well as men, and that ALL women in her era were given the opportunity to become a sort of miko... Kagome called them "doctors". But the doctors in this era were only men, and the miko had to have a strong spiritual power ... Not anyone could perform such a task. "It is indeed unusual..." as her Lord had said.
"Do you find your study less interesting than you did few months ago, Rin?" The voice behind her didn't surprise her at all, as she had gotten used to having him pop up out of nowhere and draw her attention to the fact that she was "sleeping on the job". She was, however, touched by the simple fact that she'd heard his voice. Ever since she could remember, she loved the sound of his deep, low voice. It sounded insidious, and it glided smoothly on her spine, towards the beck of her neck. It gave her the chills, and she delighted in every word that came out of his mouth in that calm, devoid of feeling, manner. She hated the fact that her voice would at times tremble or have any modulation at all. But that was a mark of her humanity, she thought.
"I do not, Sesshoumaru-sama", she responded not turning to face him. I am only taking a rest... 'What a pitiful excuse, Rin!' she thought to herself the next second. His eyebrow curved up in an interested expression, but she didn't see it.
"Taking rest so early in the morning can only lead to laziness, Rin. I did tell you that, did I not?" His tone of voice was equal, not reflecting the slight interest he took in the reason of Rin's sudden lack of attention towards her study. Usually, the moment she opened a book was the moment she ignored any movement around her and she became lost in the words dancing along the pages.
Her head dropped and she took in a deep breath, before partially turning to him. She was sure that she would feel as if there was suddenly not enough air for her to breathe, so the shock she took in at the sight of him didn't surprise her. It just left her breathless. His eyes seldom held kindness, so she never searched for it inside those honey-stained lights. She just breathed in whatever they offered her, every time. This time, it was slight amusement and a dose of concern. 'Concern?'
"I am not lazy, Sesshoumaru-sama, and you very well know that!" She barely smiled at him, a poor attempt to clear that concern that suited him so little. He didn't buy it.
"What is happening with you, Rin?" He moved towards her, and she watched as he sat beside her, his eyes locking onto her face. They looked like two bees, ready to sting her at the slightest movement. He was always so difficult to keep anything from! She felt a little nervous, and instantly she knew he had sensed even that. 'Annoying!' She wanted him to know her, but at the same time, she wanted him to leave her alone sometimes, to just give her some space and... just... not be so... captivating!
"What do you mean?" she tried. He tilted his head a little to the side, as if telling her: "Come on, Rin, I am not Jaken!"
"Do not presume to keep anything from me, Rin. I can sense your uneasiness growing for many months now. This is not pleasing me. What is wrong?"
"Why do you wish to know? There's nothing that you can do about it anyway!" she snapped, and then covered her mouth with her hand quickly, astonished at her boldness. She had never raised her voice at him like that, and she had always obeyed him in his every word. His eyes widened a bit, and a quick veil of confusion passed over his perfect features. She mistook it for anger, and she felt hers gathering up inside her, like the rush of a torrent.
"I am not reading this anymore" she said and stood up, taking a step away from him. She didn't know that feeling forming inside of her. It was like... a rope pulling her towards him, and yet a sharp blade keeping her from him. It was pain and longing at the same time. It was... confusing. Her head was spinning, as she tried to get out of the state she'd got herself in. 'Why can't I control this? Why is this so frustrating?'
"Take it back." She shoved the book into his arms, and then turned to walk away. But her step was broken by an arm clutching onto hers. It was a tight grasp and she gulped in pain. He turned her around and forced her face to raise and meet his eyes. His look was pinning her to the ground, as he slowly bent his head down and took a close gaze into her small face.
"Do not be disrespectful, child! You are no fool, for I have raised no such creature. Now, tell me" he ordered, the sound of his patience running out becoming obvious to the girl. He wasn't known to have a lot of it anyway... A sudden ill pleasure to see him lose his calm washed over her, and she was only half-aware of what she was doing when she answered him, with an intrusive tone of voice:
"I will not, and now let go! Yes, you are stronger than I am, and yes, you can hurt me. I understand that, now let go!" Shocked by her own words, she hesitated for a second, but then gained courage and returned his fiery stare. She was no match to him, though. She could feel the anger gathering behind those eyes, as his grasp tightened. He pulled her slightly to him, only to stop as if he'd stopped himself from doing something irrational. He let out the air in his lungs, and spat the words at her:
"Humans are all disgustingly ungrateful creatures, little girl. And you are no exception, I see." He let go of her, as if touching her would mean tainting him further more. His voice had been as steel, as if he would talk to the most insignificant creature that had ever crawled upon the surface of his lands. She immediately felt like he would have slapped her, her spirit was torn and her previous determination turned to dust at the sound of his voice, and the sight of his disgusted face. 'Disgusted of me.' she thought. What she didn't know, though, was that her Lord was playing the "guilt card" on her. He knew the girl too well to mistake her rebellion for ingratitude. He also knew that humans got attached to the ones they lived with, and he was convinced that this one cared for him more that she did for herself. He had never had anybody care for him like that, except maybe for his mother, but that was so very long ago, and he could barely remember her as it was...
He watched as Rin's face cleared of the resistance it held until a moment ago, and as guilt and repentance took its place. Part of him took pride in his influence upon the human, while the other, smaller part, felt ashamed of the sick delight he took at the sight of her will being broken down like that, by a few words from him. 'She'll never be free of me.' he thought, and frowned a moment at the blissful feeling that thought brought him. His heart pounded in his chest for some brief seconds, before he got a hold of himself and shook off the obnoxious sensation that had almost formed inside him. 'What was that?' he questioned his body, then his mind... and then his heart. Nevertheless, neither held the answer. He never did try to question all of them at the same time. They would have given him a simple answer, which would have stricken the great taiyoukai with fear. Before he could help it, Rin was on the ground and sobbing silently, her shoulders running up and down softly. Her entire body ached, as if somebody had hit her continuously, for hours in a row, but the emptiness in her chest, the loss she felt was far more tearing than any physical pain that anyone could inflict upon her.
All she could think about was that he had lost faith in her, that he considered her to be nothing more than a disgusting, dirty human, one of whom he couldn't stand the sight of any longer. Her ears were deafened by the cries inside her, but her mind finally got a hold of her body, and she managed to stop crying. He was still there, in front of her, silent and cold. That gave her hope. If he had been entirely sick of her, he would have walked away and left her there. But he hadn't, and trying to make up for the stupidity she'd proven herself capable of earlier, she decided not to bore him with her sobs anymore. She wiped her face clean and stood up, almost afraid to look him in the eye. She knew she had to, though, and so she lifted her head quickly, only to be amazed of the expression just disappearing from his face. He had been... worried. That caused her to become uncertain for a second, but she knew she had to apologize to him.
" I... I'm so sorry, Sesshoumaru-sama..." she started, with a trembling voice, that got more steady as she continued.
"I really don't know how to explain what I feel, and I have this... this uneasiness inside of me every time... every time I..." She still couldn't find the words to express herself. Whatever she came up with, said out loud sounded at the very least dim-witted, and she was sure he would find it ridiculous. So she skipped to the point: "Please, won't you forgive me? I promise never to disobey you again! Please..."
Her last word had been barely spoken, and even he had to focus his attention to hear it. Did it really give him any pleasure hearing this child plea for his forgiveness? He never forgave anything. He just ignored facts that never seemed important after a while. Did she deserve to be ignored... or forgiven? Did he have anything to forgive her for?
"Do not be mere human, Rin. You are too intelligent for that. Never let your feelings get in the way of your intellect." He had said the words not showing any sign of anger, or disappointment, and he could hear her heartbeat settle, the apprehension slipping out from her body like a thief from the theft scene. And he could feel his heartbeat taking a slower pace, as well. He turned around and left without any addition, aside from leaving the book onto the soft grass. Rin watched him depart, and she shook off her worry.
'He'll never let me fall from his grace. He would kill me first...' She smiled in content, and she returned to the book, finding her lecture much more interesting now.
Any good? Should it be more… vivid? Well, read the next one too. Please review, a few words may help me improve my writing. Thank you!