Sirius,
Why, exactly would I shag McGonagall? And if I guess that if I did, I would have to invite you to watch yes? Otherwise you would hate me with a burning passion for not letting you see your dear ol' Minnie. And that would be bad, of course.
Oh, sure. You could always use the phrase 'the pureblood supremacy will out' to woo…uhmm…Amaranth or Acacia. Hell, anyone in Slytherin really. They go for that kind of stuff, you know.
No matter what you say, you wouldn't ignore me. Don't you remember that time in 4th year when you got mad at me for studying Potions with Severus? You said you weren't going to talk to me for the rest of the year. And that lasted about a day and a half.
But, I suppose I'll just protect you from the sidelines if that'll make you happy. Although, that in itself is contradictory. Oh well.
Oh, come off it. Looks have nothing to do with it. You're the one who brought up the eyesight issue anyway. I'm sure she was lovely when she was younger, but I just don't find Minerva attractive, at all. Sorry. Considering that I'd rather have a cock up my arse than have my cock in a vagina, it won't happen.
Oh, yes. Everyone is just good old fashioned gay for McGonagall. What? That's a bit off.
Sure you wouldn't want to pick James's inside from your hair. Sure as hell wouldn't want to get it greasy, would you? Because, I have a striking hunch that Severus would tease the hell out of you for it.
Sirius, you really shouldn't say such awful things about Severus. He is quite smart, you know.
Just because I wouldn't breastfeed my child, doesn't mean that it would be stupid. Hell, any child of mine couldn't be stupid. I get bugged enough about reading books from you guys enough to know that my hypothetical child would be very smart.
You just gave me an instance in which you were nice, to someone other than me. You put a memory charm on that first year so she wouldn't be horrified by the sight of you and someone else having sex in the library. Plus, you're nice to James. You used to be nice to Regulus. You told me that. You're nice to Minnie. And you're nice to most of Gryffindor. And Dumbledore…Need I go on?
Sure, I'll let you listen to the song. Could send it in a letter. Or you could listen to it before you performed the (highly anticipated and probably much sought after) Erotic Sock Dance.
Severus is not that bad! And I will beat your logic. Because you said (and I quote) "Snape is too that bad. Times by one more than you can ever say." I wasn't the one saying that Severus is that bad.
Well, Severus has had many chances to hex me and he hasn't done it yet.
I never denied that having sex in the library would turn me on. I just don't want to think about you having sex in the library with only you, him/her, and God knows (oh and that first year that had a "memory lapse") who. Merlin knows, I love books and the library.
You were complimenting me? On what, exactly? Being a stinky, crazy fish-thing or being alive?
I hadn't heard anything about Moaning Myrtle, but obviously something had to have happened. Otherwise you wouldn't want me to forget that you had said it.
Fine, I'll enclose a baby photo and you had better send a drawing with your next letter. Or show me one on the first day of school. Sirius, it's a great honor to have someone to find you interesting enough to draw you. I won't think that you're a creep. Artists have to stare at the one they sketch.
Paper Remus probably would have orgies with words. Which is quite scary if you think about it. I can't help it that I like a good book. Books are great. Books are wonderful. Books are…well books (not hardcore porn magazines).
One: You're Sirius. You could find a way to get into trouble if you were all alone in a cardboard box. Two: You're a Marauder. Sufficient enough, yes? Three: You'll become an alcoholic. Do not drink every day Sirius Black, or else.
All the girls do not fancy me. And yes, I've seen my eyes. A bit of a champagne colour. Seems a bit odd. No one else has the same colour eyes that I do. Makes me a bit self-conscious, it does.
I suppose if you want to be jealous of Porter, go on ahead. I just don't think you should hate the bloke when you've never met him before. Oh, he says hello again. I suppose that he could write that himself, but I think he's in the living room. Maybe the kitchen.
Are you trying to say that the above text is unimportant? I must disagree. I think that me scolding you about not drinking every day is important. I think the bantering about McGonagall is important. Paper Remus and his orgies are important…etc, etc.
But just to make you happy there won't be any P.S.s in this letter.
I normally read the letter once. Then, I reread and write my response. Unless I'm in a hurry. Then I just read and write my response at the same time.
I never said that I hated you. And even though you told me not to I'm going to say it anyway. I don't hate you. I just said that I didn't hate you. And as a matter of fact, I said that in the letter before this one, I believe.
Hmmm, I don't believe that I knew you liked strawberries. You never seemed to before. Especially those chocolates with the strawberries in the middle.
How am I not supposed to get mad at what you said? Why is it that you can go off and have sex with whomever you please, but if I have sex with one person I'm suddenly tainted (at least, even more so than I already was)? Whether you liked to believe it, I do have feelings and I do have needs.
How could I have been untouchable?
I can't be alone for the rest of my life, Sirius. I refuse to be. I refuse to be some statue with only the birds that shit on his head for company. And I won't say that I'm sorry for letting Porter shove his cock up my arse. Because I'm not.
I do love you, Sirius. I do. But sometimes, you just don't think of about others' feelings when you say things. More often than not, those things are hurtful. And even if you don't realize it, they're directed at me.
Or maybe, they just come out the wrong way?
Love is a scary thing, Sirius. But you can't blame everything on it.
Why did you think that no one could have me? Because it's me? Or because of your feelings?
And even after all of this crazy tainted talk, I still love you.
I love you.
And your mother had better gotten bored. Because if she would've touched one hair on your head…well you know the rest I suppose.
Anyway, I've got to step into the shower. Porter and I are going to some record shop or something.
Love,
Remus
Hey, Sirius. I'm sure that I'm probably the last one you want to hear from. And even though I don't know you, I figured I'd give it a shot. You know, you really hurt Remus's feelings with what you said. And no, I've not read any of the letters, not even the above text.
And I just want you to know, that if you hurt Remus again, you'll be in so much pain you won't be able to even see straight. You'll be in so much pain that you'll regret ever hurting Remus. Ever.
You say that you love Remus, but with the shit you're spewing to him about being tainted and on a pedestal(he told me some of what you said) really hurts him. And I I know I'm coming off as some possessive berk , but it's the truth, Sirius. I don't want him to hurt. At all. Anyway…I think I hear Remus coming, so I better wrap this up and give it to his owl so it can be sent off. Just please don't hurt him.
Porter