Chapter 10 – Its all for you

He called her and went to her apartment but she wasn't there. He went to his apartment hoping she would know where to find him. He paced and waited, he wasn't sure if he'd ever see her again and he was staggered at the pain that caused him. He knew her. Maybe she had a different name when she was younger but her knew her. He knew how she took her coffee, he knew she listened to classical music in the shower, jazz when she was reading, and corny 80's dance music when she cooked. He knew what made her laugh and he knew the taste of her tears. He knew she could recite chapter and verse on the evidence for every crime scene she'd worked, and he knew she couldn't tell you the current balance of her checking account. He knew her. He just didn't know what to hope for now. Should he hope she cut herself off from her family to stay with him? Should he hope that she knew he would understand if she chose to be with her sisters?

She went to the top of Empire State Building, she rode the Staten Island Ferry. She was in New York. She was Lindsay Monroe in New York and she wanted to savor it. She went to Flack's apartment. She was sure he knew it all now. How could she apologize for the lie that was her life that she perpetuated to him? If she stayed here as Lindsay would it be too much for him, would he think it was all for him, and would that pressure destroy any chance they might have had? If she went away, she could never see him again. She needed to make a decision. She made the call from the sidewalk outside his building, even while she could see him pacing through the window.

He heard footsteps in the hall. He heard them stop outside his door. She didn't knock, she was leaning against the wall opposite his door when he opened it. He went to her, practically lunging at her, his hands on her hips, he bent at the knees slightly to try to look into her eyes which were downcast. She just shook her head, she looked numb, she wouldn't meet his eyes. He put his arm around her and led her into his apartment.

He held her. He didn't question her. It was what he did for her, part of his role. Every moment to him, an agony. He couldn't read her pain. Was she leaving him? Was she grieving her sisters? He could tell she was resolute. Whatever it was, it had been decided.

Her face against his shoulder she whispered, "I'm sorry I never told you."

"Lindsay. Don't. You couldn't. I get that. It was for you and your family that you could never let the truth out."

She leaned away from him to look at him.

"No," her voice a firm whisper. She could see the depth of his sincerity and concern in his endless blue eyes. "I mean yes. But, if I told you, then you would know too. And knowing would have put you at risk. I didn't think I couldn't trust you with it. But I couldn't put you in danger."

He let her words sink in. It was for him that she continued to lie to him. He wasn't upset about the lie, about the past. He was scared for the future.

"Lindsay what are you going to do?"

She motioned to the couch, to sit.

"I called to tell them what I wanted to do." Flack sat down and she folded one leg beneath her leaning into him, but looking into his eyes. "Agent Druder said 'Detective Monroe as I indicated earlier, you decision was final. Your sister's accident will happen tomorrow. Since your sister and Paul Dwyer have eloped he will be going with them and your nephew.' It took me a minute to figure out what he meant. But Kit must have called him and told him she was me, and that I wanted to stay Lindsay. She made the decision for me."

He bit his lip to not ask her what she was calling to tell them. He would never ask. It didn't matter, she was going to be with him.

"Lindsay. I don't know what to say. I know how much you love them. I can't imagine the loss you are feeling." He leaned in and held her. "But I am so glad I haven't lost you."

She didn't answer him. She just stayed in his arms, comforted by his presence, his silence, his warmth, his affection. Eventually they went to bed. She clung to him, but he knew she was not herself. She was a shell, hollowed out.

At three AM when he woke from the nightmare he wouldn't remember, she kissed his neck at first softly. She ran her hands through his hair. She found his lips and parted her own as she kissed him. Flack kissed her back. His hands betrayed him as they hungrily ran over her back, her hips, her thighs. She pressed her hips into him, kissing him more deeply, more wantonly. She broke the kiss and pressed her forehead against his cheek as she whispered. "I need you Don." She continued to gently thrust and her hips against his, back and forth and she ran her fingernails lightly down his arms. He wondered to himself how he had let it get this far. Where had he lost his track? He couldn't be this man to her. He had told her it was because she was broken and he would be taking advantage of her. He needed her to believe that so she wouldn't look closely and see that he was broken too. But now here they were, she was kissing him and he only wanted to live up to her. He wanted to give to her, she had been cheated from so much. He wanted to do for her the things men could do for women. He wanted to make her forget what was behind her, forget the pain. He wanted to take her to a place that everything else was blocked out.

He put a hand on the back of her head and drew her back into a kiss. His other hand removed her shorts. Her leg drew up around his thigh. He kissed her, matching each gentle thrust of her hips with his tongue. He brought his hand on her back under her shirt and slowly ran it over her body. She inhaled sharply and drew his hips closer with her leg. He ran his hand down her abdomen and inserted it in her panties. She stopped kissing him, and moved back to his ear, whispering. "Don. I need you. I need you inside of me, I need to be connected to you." He felt her words in his heart. His shoulders stiffened as he pulled her body yet even closer to him. She ran her hand down his side, over his hip and to the front of his thigh and was starting to move back up. How had he let it get here? It wasn't supposed to get to this. Her words again after kissing him softly just under his ear. She hissed, "I need you Don." She, the smart, strong, beautiful Lindsay Monroe, needed, she used the word with desperation, urgency, as if he were oxygen to her, him, Don Flack, a plain old cop from NY. Inside he wanted to scream, it was never supposed to get to this.

"Please make love to me." She whispered.

He took his hand out from under her clothes and gently pulled her hand from his thigh, guiding it to his back.

"Lindsay." He used his shoulders to move her so he could kiss her again while running his hand over her hair. He pulled away and tucked his chin over the top of her head. It was handy he was so much taller when he wanted to avoid her eyes. "I can't right now." She froze. Was he reacting to her use of the word love? Should she try to back-pedal, and explain it was just an expression?

"I need more time," he said. She didn't understand. She shook her head slightly. He was still holding her. It didn't feel to her like she was rushing this. He knew her, knew all of her. Something no one else ever had. And he stood by her, never judging her, only always being there to catch her. Maybe that was it. He had told her she was healing and she shouldn't rush that. But he said he needed more time. Oh good God. Was there someone else? She never entertained that thought before. But it was of course possible. He was a fine-looking man. He was sweet and polite, but smart and funny. And he carried a gun and a shield. That power was a turn on for women. Of course there was another woman. She felt like a fool.

She stiffened and pulled back in his arms. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No, no, no. Lindsay." He said. "Its not that I don't want to. God." He pulled her back again and tried to think of a way to say it. "Its not that I don't want you. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. You're all I think about. The thought of what it would be like to make love to you pulls me out of anything I am doing and distracts me 100 times a day." He tried to pull her into a kiss again, but she gently resisted and he ended up looking into her beautiful, hurt eyes. This was going to be hard. Her brow was furrowed, she wanted so much to understand. He was holding her heart in his hand and she needed to know what he was going to do with it.

He started again, whispering. "Lindsay, in the explosion." Her eyes changed, softened. Just as she appreciated that Don never asked her questions she preferred not to answer, she always assumed the explosion had the same boundaries for him. He would tell her if he needed to, but she never questioned him on it. He squinted, he felt ashamed, lessened. "It fractured my pelvic bone." Her eyes widened with concern, but not yet understanding. "As far as love-making, I'm on the IR for a while more." She shuddered. What he had been living with that he didn't tell her? Her heart was in her throat. "While the fracture's still healing, if I…strain it, it could break, and that would mean a body cast, which I'd like to avoid." She shifted his body and her own so he was on his back, and she was laying on the bed on his left side, leaning on his chest but her weight no longer on him. She took his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly. He kissed her back. In a way he felt relieved.

"Don, I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry. I feel so insensitive." She was almost crying.

"It's OK, I'm feeling pretty inadequate right now so we're quite a pair, insensitive and inadequate." She smiled at him. She laid her head back on his shoulder and kissed his neck.

"Lindsay. In this day and age, I don't know if people say this without sex. But I do love you. I'm sorry if that makes me a sap, and I'm sorry I can't be a man for you right now."

His words pierced her. She sat back up, looking him in the eye. "Don, you are the only man for me, now or ever." She kissed him and smirked at him, "busted up pelvic bone and all." She laid back down on his shoulder. "I love you." She found his hand resting on his stomach and held it.

"Its sweet. We have to be old-fashioned." She smiled to herself.

"Oh yeah, that sounds fun." He said. She couldn't see his face but she was sure he was rolling his eyes.

"Well," She said playfully stroking his arm. "You're the one who won't break your pelvis for me."

"Baby, I'm only thinking of you. Can you imagine what a wreck you'd be if you got a taste of this now and then had to wait from more until the cast was off."