Totally Spies features 3 good-looking teenage girls (Sam, Alex & Clover) who run all over the world battling wacked-out villains, they get their missions from a middle-aged man who regularly abducts them from school or the mall, the parents are never around, plus one girl is boycrazy and on the prowl for a different guy each week. If this series isn't ripe for sexual satire, I don't know what is!

A sex parody is simply a sexual version of the original, chiefly done for laughs. But while mainly a comedic vehicle, it can stand on its own storywise and be just as valid as the original.

In keeping with sex parody tradition, I give the characters silly names, but we know who they are.

Our cast:

Spurnmantha (often shortened to Spurnm, or Spurnmy - sounds like Sperm) - the brainy one, Spurnmantha tends to overthink things. While she enjoys 'normal sex' just fine, Spurnmantha can't help wondering about all the other ways she could be satisfied.

Alicks - while pretty, athletic and perfectly capable in her own right, Alicks sees herself as not measuring up to her two friends, the beautiful Cumalover and the sharp as a tack Spurnmantha. Thus, suffering from low self-esteem, Alicks tends to 'bend over backwards' (and frontwards) to gain acceptance. This has led Alicks to try just about anything once (twice, thrice, etc.). Repeatedly.

Cumalover (pronounced 'Cum all over') - the passionate princess, Cumalover will go down on any guy that turns her on (and it doesn't take much to do that), although the passion doesn't last long. Rarely goes beyond the first date.

Mandingo - Cumalover's arch-nemesis and, some would argue, the reason Cum's such a boy-crazy slut. Cumalover has to try harder to beat the vapid vamp Mandingo. Several theories abound, but no one really knows why they're so competitive.

Gerry (nickname for his real name, 'Geritol') - the leader of W.O.O.H.P.I.E., this British blue blood suffers from a perennial case of blue balls, as the girls have shown absolutely no interest in having sex with him.

W.O.O.H.P.I.E. - the World Organization Of Human Potential & International Entertainment, it protects all forms of sexual congress. Or safeguards our sexy way of life from Congress. Something like that. It's long been rumored that members of the Supreme Court have been among W.O.O.H.P.I.E.'s directors since its inception, but that has never been confirmed.

Totally Sex

A Totally Spies sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

Theme Song:

On a Mission under the covers and we're out of control
Here we go, here we go-o-o-o!
Totally Sexy Spies now, get on with the show,
Here we go, Here we go, Here we go.

---1:47 AM Oceanside nightclub, Miami Beach---

As the music's beating and people dancing, a couple steals away to a private room. They fall into bed, kissing, groping, exploring each other's flesh. As the moonlight shines into their room, half-illuminating their naked bodies, the man mounts the woman from behind.

Morning. The woman wakes up, groggy, wondering what happened the night before. She feels a twinge in her nether regions, then catches the reflection of the rear of her naked body in the full-length dressing room mirror. There's something stuck in her asshole.

"AHHHHHHH!" she screams.

---3:08 PM Beverly Hills High---

"So then I went to the all-night kegger with the frat guys - don't worry, I didn't drink any alcohol! That just ruins your performance, anyway - then to the midnight swim with the swim team - not that we got in any swimming, tee hee! - then..." blurted out the raven-haired Alicks to her two best friends.

"Wow, Alicks, you sure are pretty busy!" said Alicks' red-headed friend, Spurnmantha.

"Hey, Alicks, see you at the record release after party party for our band tonight?" asked Greg, while passing by.

"Sure, Greg!" chirped Alicks.

"And popular!" chimed in Alicks' blonde friend, Cumalover.

"Well, I'm not as beautiful as you two!" said Alicks, matter of factly.

"You really think I'm beautiful?" inquired Spurnmantha.

"Sure you are, Sprurnmy! Why do you ask?" replied a quizzical Alicks.

"Oh, no reason! Go on!" said Spurnmantha, anxious to change the subject.

"So, anyway, I'm not as good-looking as you two, so I have to try harder!" said Alicks.

"That's ridiculous, Alicks!" said Spurnmantha.

"What she said! Really, Alicks, you're just as pretty as me and Spurnmy!" agreed Cumalover.

"Aw, it's nice of you guys to say that, but I know the real score! So I just use this..." said Alicks, as she bends over and thrusts her rear end towards her friends. "...and the guys come running! They don't even care care what I look like then!"

"Something tells me you're not the one who tries hard after that!" commented Cumalover.

"Hee hee! You're bad! Hey, how about your love lives? Spurnmy?' asked Alicks.

"Yeah! What's up with you and Peter?" asked Cumalover.

"Oh, uh, we kind of...grew apart. That's all!" responded a blushing Spurnmantha.

"Oh, that's too bad! He had such a huge, well, you know, personality...anyway, how's it with you, Cumalover? Who is it this week?" inquired Alicks, dryly.

"What's that supposed to mean?", said Cumalover, huffily.

"Well, you know, the way you go through guys, I just thought..." replied a sheepish Alicks.

"I'll have you know I'm up to date FOUR with Roger, and all I've given him is a handjob!" said Cumalover, crossing her arms. "And that's only after he begged me! So there!"

"All due respect, Cum, that doesn't sound like you!" said Spurnmantha.

"Yeah! You usually jump on guys you like right away!" agreed Alicks.

"Those other times had extenuating circumstances!" exclaimed Cumalover.

"Aaron?"

"He helped me with my homework!"

"Adam?"

"He had a hot new car!"

"Adrian?"

"Totally hot foreign exchange student!"

"Andrew?"

"He wrote that totally cool story on me for the school paper!"

"Angel?"

"He fixed my car!"

"Antonio?"

"He made the most delicious pasta!"

"Austin?"

"He looked extremely yummy in those basketball shorts!"

"Cumalover, the game was still going on!"

"So? A girl has needs, Spurnmy!"

"Do you see where I'm going with this, Cum? And I'm not even out of the A's yet!" Spurnmantha pointed out.

"It's almost like something else was going on. But what?" offered Alicks.

"Hey, girl-osers!" interrupted Mandingo.

"Man-din-go!" snorted Cumalover, smoke coming out of her ears.

"How are you and my cousin Roger, Cumalover?" said Mandingo, cattily. "Miserable, I hope, because that's all he could be with you!"

"Roger is Mandingo's cousin?" queried Alicks.

"That explains a lot!" answered Spurnmantha. "Since he's Mandingo's cousin, Cumalover doesn't have to compete with Mandingo for him!"

"Why are you here, Mandingo? Slumming means hanging around with your usual crew, not trying to drag cool people down to your level!" said Cumalover dismissively.

"Oh, ha ha, Cumalover! Or should I say, 'move on over', as in 'move on over and let the big dog eat'!", replied Mandingo.

"Hmmm. You just compared yourself to a dog. Interesting." commented Cumalover.

"Grrr! Yeah, well, I just met the hot new transfer student from up north, and he agreed to go out with me!" bragged Mandingo. "What do you think of that?"

"Wha-what? No way!" yelled Cumalover.

"Bye bye, Cum! Come on, Tristan, let's vacate the area. It's definitely gotten low-class around here!" said Mandingo, as she takes Tristan by the arm and walks away with him.

"Wait, Tristan!" called out Cumalover as she runs after Tristan and intercepts him. "You can't go out with that, that, Mandingo! Go out with me! I can definitely make it worth your while, if you know what I mean!" hinted Cumalover, as she ran her fingers along Tristan's inseam and smiled a big, toothy grin.

"Sorry, Cumalover, but you're just not my type!" replied Tristan.

"And, and Mandingo is?" said a shocked Cumalover.

"Well. Yeah." answered Tristan. "Mandingo's got special skills. Took on the whole gymnastics team once! Man, must be quite a stretcher, huh? Bye, Cumalover! Nice meeting you."

"Noooo! Spurnmy, Alicks, what's Mandingo got that I haven't got?" whined Cumalover.

"You mean besides Tristan?" asked Alicks innocently. "Or the gymnastics team?"

"It's not fair! The gymnastics championship, like, totally clashed with my study session with Mr. Horowitz!" yelped Cumalover.

"The math teacher?" asked Alicks. "I always wondered how you passed that class!"

"What is with you and Mandingo, anyway, Cumalover?" inquired Spurnmantha. "You're always competing with her!"

"Yeah! Get a room already!" interjected Alicks.

"Hmmm. That'd be interesting." said Spurnmantha, fantasizing about Cumalover and Mandingo lying on a bed, doing each other.

"Er, I mean, it's an interesting dynamic there, the thing with you and Mandingo, that is! Heh!" said Spurnmantha, covering her tracks.

"Oh, we've always been competitive, ever since this one summer camp, when...", said Cumalover, as the locker opens up in front of her and sucks her, Spurnmantha and Alicks in.

"...Ahhhhhhhhh!", they all scream.

As they fly down the tunnel, robot hands grope their bodies and probe all of their holes.

"Ahhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Yeahhhhhh! "

The three girls shoot out of the tunnel and onto a large bed. Their clothes are disheveled and they're out of breath.

"Whew! That trip always takes a lot of me!" said Spurnmantha.

"You said it!" agreed Alicks.

"Yeah, but definitely in a good way!" said a smiling Cumalover.

"Well, yeah, there is that!" said a happy Alicks.

"Um hmmm!" said a cheery Spurnmantha.

"Hello, ladies! How are my super-sexy spies today?" asked their spy boss, Gerry. Gerry was the head of W.O.O.H.P.I.E., the World Organization Of Human Potential and International Entertainment. He wore his usual work wear - leather fetishwear with plenty of straps and buckles and a thong.

"Ah, my special spies and their special talents! Alicks' amazing ass!..." said Gerry, as he bends Alicks over, exposes her pert, round ass, and spanks it.

"Oh, Gerry!" giggled Alicks.

"...Spurnmantha's perfectly palatable pussy!..." continued Gerry, as he spreads Spurnmantha and fingers her female hole.

"Gerry! You're too much!" admitted a smiling Spurnmantha.

"...and Cumalover's magnificent mouth and luscious lips!" concluded Gerry, as he demonstrates just how wide Cumalover's mouth can open while pressing her head close to his crotch.

"Gerry, you're so silly!" blurted Cumalover. "But you didn't summon us here to fondle us! What's going on?"

"But why not? Sighhhh. You're right!" said a deflated Gerry. "As you know, W.O.O.H.P.I.E. is dedicated to ensuring everyone can reach their human potential and..."

"Through sex, right?" interrupted Cumalover.

"That is one way, yes. But W.O.O.H.P.I.E. is far more than that!" said a serious Gerry.

"But it's still mostly sex, right, Ger?" inquired Alicks.

"Sure it is!" pointed out Spurnmantha. "Why else would we be here?"

"Yes, yes, it's about sex!" said a defeated Gerry. "Our sexy way of life is being threatened yet again, and only you spies can resolve it. Something is going on in Miami Beach. People have woken up after one night stands with a plug in their butt!"

"No offense, Ger, but that doesn't sound too serious!" said Cumalover.

"Ditto!" chimed Alicks.

"Wait, girls! There has to be more to it. Right, Gerry?" interjected the brainy Spurnmantha.

"Indeed there is, Spurnmantha! The plugs could only be destroyed by lasers, and we recorded strange readings before they were removed. But after they were out, the strange readings stopped. The plugs were doing something to the victims' bodies. Altering it in some way. But with the buttplugs disintegrated, there's no way of knowing how. Not only that, but there are several reports of odd behavior in the Miami area. We think this is a widespread problem. The few cases we've managed to uncover were due to some combination of drugs or alcohol ingested by the victim that inhibited the operation of the plug." explained Gerry.

"See? I told you alcohol ruins performance!" crowed the health conscious Alicks.

"Except here, that's a good thing!" Spurnmantha pointed out.

"Oh. Yeah." admitted Alicks.

"So you want us to go undercover in Miami Beach? No problem! Let's go shopping for new clubwear!" enthused Cumalover.

"Not so fast, Cumalover! Due to the special needs of this mission, only Alicks and Spurnmantha will be going undercover in the nightclubs and sexclubs of Miami Beach that the victims visited before their, um, unfortunate buttpluggings. You will be going undercover in this!" said Gerry, as he handed Cumalover a uniform.

"A maid outfit? I have to be a maid? No fair!" yelped Cumalover.

"Look on the bright side, Cumalover. You'll still be entering the back door. It'll just be the back door of the club, and not, you know, your back door!" laughed Spurnmantha.

"Very funny, Spurnmy! Just one question, Ger: I understand how Alicks is qualified for this, but Spurnmantha?" inquired a ticked-off Cumalover. "No offense, Spurnmy!"

"Oh, none taken, Cum! I do have...extensive experience with traveling the ol' dirt road. The Hershey Highway. The chocolate speedway. The dip in the fudge pot. The..." mused Spurnmantha as she remembered how many dildos she's stuck up her bunghole and gets turned on.

"Yes, yes, we get it Spurnmantha!" conceded Gerry. "Any more questions, Cumalover?"

"Now that you mention it...why do we always get those probes whenever we travel here?" asked Cumalover. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you! Just curious!".

"Can't be too careful these days, what with all of those diseases around - especially with you girls!" replied Gerry.

"Or maybe you just like to do it!" offerred Cumalover.

"Yes, I suppose there's that, also." admitted Gerry. "Now for your gadgets. S.E.X.T.O.Y.?" said Gerry as he motioned to the robot rolling towards them.

"I am not a sextoy! I'm a Series Epsilon Xenobiological Tool Offering Yadayadayada!" said the robotic voice.

"But you give out sextoys!" pointed out Alicks.

"Yes. Sigh. Whatever. For Spurnmantha - the I.U.D. I.E.D. - Intra-Uterine Device Improvised Explosive Device." chirped the robot.

"What every girl needs for protection!" said Spurnmantha.

"Wow, Spurnmy, I always knew your pussy was pretty explosive!" said Cumalover, giggling.

"You don't even know the half of it!" said a coy Spurnmantha.

"Huh?" said a confused Cumalover.

"For Cumalover," continued S.E.X.T.O.Y. , "rainbow lipstick for for a variety of uses - red for making things hot, lavender for cold, green for speeding up, black for knockout. Just make sure you put the protective clear lip gloss on first."

"Where'd you get that idea? 'Rainbow parties'? Everyone knows those aren't real!" laughed Alicks.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." said a blushing Cumalover.

"Really?" said a stunned Alicks.

"And for Alicks", concluded S.E.X.T.O.Y., "the Ass-tounding Hyper Driver. It increases the effectiveness of anything from your ass. Makes noisy flatulence a sonic blast, makes explosive flatulence a shockwave, makes odiferous flatulence a stink bomb, and can even increase the stength of your anal sphincter to be able to bend steel. If you're into that sort of thing."

"Wow, Alicks! You can do things with your sphincter?" asked a surprised Spurnmantha.

"That's because I have perfect control! Want to see me make it wink?" answered Alicks, as she proceeds to bend over.

"Maybe some other time, ladies! You have a case to solve! Good day!" barked out Gerry, as he moves his finger toward the button that will send the sexy spies on thier mission.

"Wait, Ger!" cried Spurnmantha. "I've got one last question: What's the 'International Entertainment' in W.O.O.H.P.I.E. mean?"

"Oh. That." answered Gerry dryly. "The probes do more than check you for diseases and give you a good time. They also install recording devices for our DVD and web sales division. How do you think we're funded?" And with that, Gerry presses a button and the super sexy spies fall through another long, dark, wet tunnel.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!" they all yelled.

Next:

Spurnm & Alicks put it all on the line!

Cumalover finds out just how disgusting things can get!

The villainous ButtMunch!

A surprise guest star!

And more!

Notes

Mandingo is the title of a movie known for the affair between a black slave and the white wife of the slave owner. It's almost a synonym for 'jungle fever', and is used for it's sexual connotation only. I'm not saying Mandy is black, or racist in any way.

xeno means strange or foreign. So a 'xenobiological tool' means a tool foreign to the body, or sextoy.

A rainbow party is a party where girls wearing different colored lipstick all have oral sex with one or more guys, leaving the guys with a "rainbow" colored penis. Publicized by an author who appeared on Oprah, but some people believe it's just an urban legend.

If anyone wonders about my characterization of Alex (lack of self esteem causing to her do anything to be accepted), consider these tidbits from the Totally Spies Top-Secret Handbook, pages 10 & 11 (Meet Alex): best known for her naivete, will do anything for her friends, fell for a computer-generated guy, unprepared for driving, and thought she wouldn't be cool if she didn't have a tattoo. Not to mention the episode where Alex quit because she thought Britney replaced her.