Author's
Notes: Well! At long last, here it finally is. I've
worked very hard on it. It's been through several drafts and
changes, and betas, and I'm finally happy with it. I promised I
hadn't abandoned the story and I have delivered. Let this be a
lesson to those of you who doubted me. I will never abandon this
story. I will see it through to the end. I don't think you will
have to wait another two months for the next chapter, but if you do,
it doesn't mean anything other than that I've got a lot going on.
So without further ado, I hope you enjoy it. I do hope you
find it worth the wait!
Collide
Chapter Twenty One
Asking for Promises
"What did you say?" gasped a wide-eyed Hermione.
'Can't tell when a
guy's in love with you...'
The words seemed to ring in Hermione's head, over and over again - and yet, she couldn't quite take them in. For all the wishing and even praying she'd done that Draco might requite her feelings, actually hearing the words wasn't something she was prepared for.
Draco was still looking at her with an amused expression. For something so momentous as what he'd just spoken, he was being unsettlingly calm about the whole thing.
Hermione thought vaguely that she wouldn't have been able to say those words so casually.
She wondered if he truly meant them.
She wanted to believe him, but Draco was such a complicated person. He could have any number of reasons for his 'declaration.' Could it be that he was playing with her, bating and teasing her - setting her up to fall even harder? If that was what he was doing, Hermione thought it was low, even for him. Still, she wouldn't have put it past him.
But, why? Why would he do it? What did he have to gain from hurting her? - Aside from the obvious pleasure he took from the pain of others. But, that didn't seem like a logical reason to Hermione. They were stuck together and she'd already proved herself capable of making his life a living hell; why would he want to bait her further? Plus, she'd made it just as clear that she didn't want anything to do with him, or, at least, she thought she had. Maybe this was his way of forcing her to pay attention to him. If it was, Hermione did think she could take anything more. Hadn't he put her through enough already?
Just being in the same room with him was painful...
"You heard me, Granger," Draco replied evenly, not breaking eye contact.
Hermione was speechless.
After a long silence filled with Hermione's shallow breathing, Draco started to look uncomfortable.
"Granger?" he said in a trepidacious tone.
Hermione felt panic rising... "Er, I need to go find my –"
She stood from the bed as she spoke and made for the door; she needed to get away...just, away.
But Draco's voice stilled her voice and her feet.
"Granger," he repeated, a little more loudly this time. "Do you have anything to say, or are you just going to pretend it didn't happen?"
"Draco..." - he raised his eyebrows expectantly as she spoke – "I don't...I don't know what to say."
"I just told you I'm in love with you, and you don't know what to say?" Draco said. "There are only two possible responses, Granger."
Hermione bit her lip and considered her words carefully. She knew she loved him. There was no question about it. If she took him at his word, she should have had no problem telling him the truth. But something was holding her back. She was so afraid of...something.
Either he was lying, or he was telling the truth. If he was lying, there was no chance she was going to put herself at his mercy. But how could she know? If he was telling the truth...well, that was just too much to even consider.
Even if he thought he was telling the truth, there was still the fact that he'd drank so much, and the alcohol was still inside him. How could he be sure of anything?
This was dangerous. Hermione felt like her whole world was hanging in the balance.
"You're drunk," she finally said, deciding to play it safe.
Whatever Draco was expecting to hear, this obviously wasn't it.
"I'm drunk?" he repeated. "That's not one of the two possible responses. Either you love me, or you don't. Which is it?"
"You don't know what you're saying," Hermione tried to reason.
"Good Lord, Hermione!" he choked out in frustration. "I'm a little drunk; I'm not delirious!"
He looked right into her eyes as he spoke. "I know exactly what I'm saying. I'm telling you that I'm in love with you. I realized it a few days ago, but I think I've been fighting it for a very long time."
His voice was even and demanding as he continued. "Now, tell me the truth, Granger. I know you feel something. I'm not stupid. I can feel you trembling when you kiss me, and the way you look at me sometimes...I'm not blind. So just tell me."
It would be so easy to give in. She wanted to. She believed he meant what he was saying - it was like he was describing her feelings too. Listening to him, she wanted to do it, to tell him, she truly did. But she couldn't. She looked into his eyes and said the only thing she could; she couldn't bring herself to tell him she loved him, but she wouldn't lie.
"I can't," whispered Hermione.
"Damn it, Granger!" he snapped in exasperation. "I can only ask so many times. Just tell me!"
Hermione shook her head.
"What are you still afraid of?" he almost yelled.
"I'm not –"
"You are afraid. You're being stupid and you're stubborn to a fault."
Hermione opened her mouth to protest his words but stopped at the look on his face - soft, yet imploring.
"What can I say that you will believe?" he asked. "What can I do?"
"Say it again when you're sober." The words were out of her mouth before she could think about them, but they were true. She loved him, and she wanted to believe he loved her in return, but she needed to be certain. She needed to hear the words at a time when there was nothing he could blame them on later. She needed that confirmation.
Part of her adored his declaration and was terrified that after this, she would never hear it again. If she kept denying him and pushing him, and he was telling the truth, maybe he would give up, or end up hating her. But she felt that this was the only way.
It was better like this. It was worth the risk that he would never say it again, because if he did, it would mean...everything. She couldn't explain why; it just would. She knew she would believe him, whole-heartedly.
If she was being completely honest with herself, she believed him already. But still, she needed this one last thing to be able to let go. In a way, she'd thrown herself at Draco's mercy despite herself. She'd given control to him, something she had wanted to avoid doing. It would probably break her heart if he never said he loved her again, just as much as if he'd been lying all along - even if he'd been lying all along.
She'd given him a weapon. It seemed there was no way around this, though. No matter what she did, she was vulnerable. Whether she liked it or not, Hermione's heart was in Draco's hands.
She just hoped he wasn't clumsy.
For a few moments, Draco just stared at her and she held her breath, hoping she hadn't just ruined everything.
"Granger, this is hard enough as it is. Tell me...something," said Draco quietly.
Hermione bit her lip. She was far out of her depth here, not to mention the fact that Draco's continuing use of her surname was beginning to bother her, given the situation.
"Hermione," she said firmly.
"Pardon?"
"My name is Hermione, Draco."
Ah, much better. Hermione was much more comfortable bossing him around.
"Not Granger," she continued, "or any of the other things you call me. Just Hermione."
She expected him to talk back, but he didn't.
"Fine, Hermione," he said in an irritated tone. "Anything else?"
"What?" she asked, confused by his irritation.
"Oh, please, let me explain," he deadpanned. "I just poured my heart out to you and all you can think to do is scold me. Is there anything else you'd like to say, while you're so talkative?"
She could tell he was hurt. At least, she thought she could. But she couldn't give him what he wanted, not yet.
"Draco, I already told you –" she began uncomfortably.
"Yes, I know..." he said, rolling his eyes. "I know. You think I'm too pissed to think clearly and you want me to tell you I'm in love with you when I'm sober."
Hermione knew better than to say anything to this.
Draco slowly stood from his place on the bed and moved toward Hermione. She felt the familiar tingling in her skin as he came closer, and she had to remind herself to breathe.
There was just something about Draco Malfoy - a presence, even now, in this situation.
Hermione swallowed and forced herself to keep her wits about her as he advanced.
"The thing is, Hermione, I'm tired of playing your games."
"What do you mean, 'you're tired of playing my games?'" Hermione said incredulously. "What games? I don't play games."
Draco snorted unkindly at this.
"You," Hermione insisted, "are the one who's been toying with me."
"What?" Draco demanded.
"Half the time, you're treating me like you always have. And then the next thing I know, you're kissing me! I never know what to think!"
Hermione threw her hands into the air in exasperation. But Draco wouldn't give her this one.
"Well now you do know what to think," he said, his arms folded and his body a mere foot from hers. "I've told you the truth, and that's all I can give you. I've just stripped myself naked in front of you, for you, and you've thrown it back in my face. And you want me to do it again, when I don't have alcohol to soften the blow? I'm not making any promises, Granger."
Draco made to leave the room, but Hermione moved in front of him, cutting him off before he could get to the door. And before she could think about it, her lips were on his and her hands around his neck, pulling him to her and telling him everything with a kiss that she couldn't say out loud.
I love you. I love you. I love you.Her eyes were closed tightly and every muscle in her body was screaming the words she was too afraid, and yes, too stubborn to say. Her fingers found his hair as her lips and tongue sought response from Draco.
And respond he did. Slowly at first, but his initial surprise quickly melted away and soon he was matching her heat and intensity, hungrily taking what she was giving him and giving her just as much.
Every kiss they'd shared before had been different. The first time, in that alley, it had been all about passion, about giving in to their bodies' needs. The second kiss had been desperate and fierce. The third kiss, the one just minutes previous, had been deep and challenging.
This one was different. This kiss was demanding – the kind of kiss that teaches you about yourself, the kind that completes you.
For the longest time, they clung to each other – giving and taking, pushing and pulling, joining. Hermione stopped thinking entirely, loving the feel of Draco's arms around her and losing herself in the warmth of his mouth, hoping he understood.
And when it became too much and they both needed to breathe, still they held on to each other, unwilling to let go of whatever they had just gained. Somehow, they had reached a silent understanding.
It wasn't words, but Hermione hoped it was enough, at least for now.
"I'm not asking for promises," she said, resting her head against his forehead and stroking her fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. "Just…tell me again, another time."
She pulled back and looked into Draco's steel eyes. She was asking for a lot; she knew that. But when she saw the intensity in Draco's eyes, she let herself believe there was hope for them yet.
-
Draco's mind was a whirl of thoughts and emotions. As he felt Hermione cling to him, he knew she loved him. It was obvious, in her eyes, in her kiss – even though she wouldn't say it. But, why? Why wouldn't she just say the words? They both knew the truth. It had been hard as hell put himself on the line like he had, mostly but not entirely sure of what her feelings were. Didn't she know that?
Didn't she know how he was suffering?
If he could say it, certainly she should be able to say it - she, who was known for wearing her heart on her sleeve in typical Gryffindor fashion.
She was just being stubborn, he thought. She was so caught up in refusing to give in that she didn't realize that it was the right thing to do, for both of them. Draco felt a twinge of annoyance. But the annoyance turned to reluctant affection as he realized that that was one of the things he loved about Hermione – her strength, her absolute will.
So Draco did understand. She was like him. He had known his feelings for some time before he had been able to let himself voice them. She was the same. She just needed time, and he would give it to her.
And if she wanted him to tell her he loved her again, he could do that too. Something still bothered him, though. Maybe it was the essence of Draco that made him who he was. But, some part of him couldn't let go of the fact that he was willing to figuratively strip naked in front of her and she was still holding back. He loved her, wanted her, and needed her to be with him. Was it too much for him to want her to show the vulnerability he had?
He didn't think so. He stared back into her eyes and furrowed his brow. He didn't know what to say, but he felt he had to say something. Something for her, and something to ease his sense of justice here.
"Hermione, I –"
Tap tap tap.Hermione's eyes snapped from his and rested on the window behind him.
"What the…" she muttered as she removed herself from his embrace and crossed to the window to discover the source of the noise.
Draco wanted to pull her back to him and insist that they continue their…whatever they were in the middle of until something was…. resolved, but the moment was gone. He sighed and wondered when they would have the chance to talk again, like they had. Then, he wasn't real sure he wanted to. He rubbed his eyebrows as he turned to watch Hermione. Mostly, he just needed to think. Later, he thought.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Owl," she replied. "From the Ministry…"
"Not again…" he grumbled. The last owl from the Ministry had been the barer of some very bad news.
Hermione shot him a sympathetic half smile before opening the envelope and pulling out a letter. Draco stood patiently for a few moments, his mind only half on their present goings on.
"Oh, no…" Hermione groaned. "I knew it…"
Draco watched as her face fell into panic. "What is it?" he repeated as he crossed to her.
She bit her lip and handed him the letter. He took it quickly and read.
Miss Hermione Granger, The
Ministry of Magic has received word that you have violated the
International Statute of Secrecy, by apparating in the direct view of
no fewer than nine Muggles. The memories of said Muggles have
been properly modified and you will be required to attend a hearing
at the Ministry on the 19th of September, 1997, in the
office of Amelia Bones, where your sentence/penalty will be
determined. You will retain your wand, but be warned, Miss
Granger – any further infractions and the Ministry will be forced
to take more strict measures. Thomas Kettleburn
Department of
Magical Catastrophes Saw that one coming…
"Don't worry about it, Hermione," he said, handing the letter back to her.
"Don't worry about it?" she snapped. "What do you mean, 'don't worry about it?' Easy for you to say – you're not the one in risk of expulsion from wizarding society!"
Draco snorted. "Don't be so dramatic, Granger. They aren't going to banish you for apparating in front of Muggles. Use your brain." – Hermione bristled at this – "They won't convict you anyway; you did what you did on instinct because you thought I was in danger. And even if they did, the worst that would happen is a fine and maybe a restriction on your apparation license for a while."
"Oh, is that all?" she said sarcastically. "You may have money to burn, Draco, but the rest of us mere mortals have limited funds." – Draco rolled his eyes – "And frankly, giving the situation we are currently in, I don't much fancy having my only means to disappear in a hurry "restricted."
She had a point, but still.
"Listen. You're getting ahead of yourself. They aren't going to convict you of anything we me there to back up your story, and I'll be there," he said, giving her a half smile that he hoped was reassuring.
Hermione bit her lip for a moment then said in a quiet voice, "You'll go with me?"
"Of course," he responded, and Hermione visibly relaxed. Draco suddenly needed to touch her, so he did. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently, not taking his eyes from hers. She didn't fight him and he was glad. "We can think about this later," he said. "I'm sure your parents are waiting for us. We have more important things to deal with today."
And with that, he took his wand and cast a quick spell to dress himself, and led Hermione by the hand out of the room. As mixed up as things were between them right now, Draco knew as he held her hand that he wouldn't be able to handle it if something else happened to her, especially, Merlin forbid, something permanent. What if next time he wasn't there to save her? With that thought he gripped her hand tighter and he resolve grew even stronger. They needed to get to the bottom of this attack, and quickly.
The sooner they were out of danger, the sooner they would be safe to live their lives, Draco hoped, together.
Later, Draco, think about that later. 000
A/N – Okay. Thoughts? Love it? Hate it? I do hope no one is disappointed, but I'd like to have some feedback no matter what it is. Review!
PS - Thanks a million to Shayeri for her impromptu beta services, you were a marvelous help, babe!
Amanda
10-22-06