Author's Note: I actually wrote this for tech class, because we're making newsletters in publisher, and ours is Harry Potter themed. I liked it so much I decided to post it here. It might help to understand the last one if you've read Cassandra Claire's one-shot called "A Lot o be Upset About" which you can probably find at If not, email me, and I'll try to find the link for you. That last character is sort of based off of her Harry in that story.
Summary: Three Harry Potter characters write in to Dear Draco, Draco's advice column, or for you in the UK, his Agony Aunt column.
Rating: K
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, there would be a lot more leather in the series.
Dear Draco,
I recently fell in love with my best friend. He is very, very clueless, though, and doesn't realize this, even though I do believe that he loves me as well (I have a very high intellect, and it did not take me long to figure this out). I don't know what to do. I keep trying to get his attention, but he's too preoccupied with his girlfriend (I can tell he doesn't really love her, though), and he never even looks at me anymore. Actually, he's never really looked at me, but that doesn't matter. Please help me, Dear Draco!
Sincerely,
Dreaming of Won-won
Dear DELUSIONAL,
I can tell that your best friend does not love you in the least, seeing as he already has a girlfriend, and who could love you anyways, you stupid mudblood?
But if you really must have him, I suggest hexing the girlfriend, and while she's preoccupied with trying to get her foot out of her ears, put on some tight leather pants (I have some you might be able to borrow) and then just into the room and stun "Won-won" with your killer thighs (because the pants really do make them look nicer).
Sincerely,
Dear Draco
Dear Draco,
I'm in love, and I don't know what to do. The problem is, the boy I love doesn't even know I'm alive. What's worse is that our families hate each other, and from birth we've been told to hate the Mal- his family. I am a cute, attractive redheaded witch, and I could have any boy I want, but I love yo- him. Please help me, Dear Draco.
Sincerely,
Unrequited Redhead
Dear Redhead,
I know exactly how you feel. I too, agonize over my unrequited love, who is also a member of a rival family. There are only two way to solve this, as far as I can tell. Running away is not an option, for I am a Malfoy, and Malfoys do not flee…unless presented with a life-threatening situation, or an afternoon with grandma.
But, grandmothers aside, You're going to have to confront him, and tell him how you feel. There are two ways to do this. You can either corner him while he is alone, or corner him while he is alone, and wear leather pants while doing it. But I'm afraid you can't use mine, because I'm loaning them out to Hermione so that she can seduce "Won-won".
Sincerely,
Dear Draco
DEAR MALFOY, YOU GREAT GIT,
I AM HAVING ISSUES. THE DARK LORD WANTS TO KILL ME, AND HERMIONE IS WALKING AROUND IN TIGHT LEATHER PANTS THAT MAKE HER THIGHS LOOK GREAT, AND IT PISSES ME OFF. SOMETHING IS UP WITH GINNY, AND I THINK SHE'S OBSESSED WITH SOME SLYTHERINS. I HATE SLYTHIERINS. THEY PISS ME OFF. YESTERDAY A BUNCH OF GIRLS WERE GIGGLING AT ME. GOD, GIRLS JUST PISS ME OFF SO MUCH. HELP ME, MALFOY.
WHATEVER,
THE BOY WHO LIVED
Dear The Boy Who Lived Mainly to Annoy Me,
Stop owling here, Harry, you stupid sodding prat. I could care less that you're pissed off, so leave me alone.
And did Ginny happen to mention who that Slytherin may be, by chance?
I hope the Dark Lord gets you,
Dear Draco
I may do more of these if people review, because I would like to know what you think before I invest all this time and effort into everything.
I appreciate constructive critisism, and flaming just gets laughed at.
Adilic Star