Hard Definitions

By NocturnalFerri

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach.

Summary: Rukia needs Ichigo to help her with understand the meaning of a word. Poor poor Ichigo…

Oh dear…my first MA rated fic. ;

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Plushies were demanding. According to Karin they wanted to be loved. They wanted playmates. They wanted pretty costumes. They wanted boyfriends or girlfriends. They didn't move unless you pick one up or knock one over. They didn't talk. They didn't whine or moan when you don't pay attention to them…or ignore them for that matter. Plushies could go to hell for all Ichigo cared. Especially the one with an artificial modified soul stuffed down its throat.

"C'mon, Ichigo," begged Kon. He dug his felt claws into Ichigo's sleeve. "Let me use your body for just one day. Just one day…Okay okay, we'll cut a deal. One hour! I mean, two hours. No, four. Just four hours."

"No!" growled Ichigo. He rolled up the manga he had been trying to read and swatted the plushie, sending it off his bed and onto the floor.

"Just a couple hours while you're patrolling," continued Kon. He climbed back up, his head poking over the edge of the bed. "You won't even be using your body."

"No!" repeated Ichigo. He hit Kon over the head just to have the konpaku pop back up like a weird game of Whack-A-Mole.

"Please please please please please please-

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" Ichigo swung at the plushie again. Kon narrowly escaped by diving to the other end of the bed. Ichigo huffed and set down his manga. There was no way he'd get to read it before Rukia got back from wherever the hell she went. "What do you want to do with my body anyway?"

"Well," said Kon, rubbing his chin. "There're plenty of things I could do. It's been a long time since I've been in a human body."

"The last time I let you take my body home from school you nearly molested a group of middle schoolers." said Ichigo.

"They were cute," defended Kon. "And they were seniors in middle school. They weren't that much younger than you." He smiled, his memory taking over. "And they weren't that much far behind in puberty either. They had racks almost as nice as Ori-"

"KON!"

Kon ignored him. "What would I do, what would I do? So many choices. I could sample the cuisine of Shinjuku, take in a movie, employ some services…"

Ichigo didn't think he could scowl any harder. "What do you mean by services?"

"You know," said Kon wiggling his eyebrows. "Services."

THUD: the sound of felt and fluff hitting the far wall. "You are NOT using my body to pick up whores!" yelled Ichigo.

"Like I have a choice," said Kon, picking himself off the floor, wobbling slightly. "Who else would I be able to find on short notice? Its not like you have a fuck buddy I could borrow."

In a split second Ichigo was off the bed and had a hand tight around Kon's neck. Too bad plushies didn't really breathe.

"Please," gagged Kon. "I just want a little action. I was stuck in that soul pill for years. Now I'm stuck like this," he said, flinging his cotton stuffed arms out. He rolled his eyes. "Honestly, how am I supposed to get off? On Karin's teddy bear?"

"Ughh!" Ichigo dropped the plushie and pressed his hands to his ears. "I don't want to hear this!" He backed up and sat on his bed.

Kon dusted himself off and climbed up onto Ichigo's shoulder. "Please, Ichigo," said Kon. "Just one night while you're out fighting hollows."

"You are not using my body for sex!" said Ichigo.

"If you're objecting about the whore part-"

"I'm objecting to everything," corrected Ichigo.

"If it's only the whore part," continued Kon, not hearing him. "I'm sure I could find someone you know who is willing." He rubbed his chin. "Hmm. What about Orihime? I'm sure she wouldn't mind me, I mean, you, banging her. She looks like a screamer."

Ichigo flushed bright red. "I don't want to hear it!"

"No screamers?" asked Kon. "Then what about Tatsuki?" he frowned. "No, she'd kick my ass for trying. She'd like it rough."

"No no no no…"

"Do you not like girls or something?" asked Kon. "Cuz I'd gladly do Ishida. He's kinda pretty for a guy. I think he might like that kinda stuff."

"What!" Ichigo couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"I don't mean he's homosexual," said Kon. "Maybe bi. I think he might like a little guy on guy action once in a while. Chad on the other hand-"

"That's gross!" yelled Ichigo. "You are not using my body for sex!"

"Why are you being so uptight?" asked Kon. "You're a healthy 15 year old man. A little fun now and again isn't such a big deal…" Kon stared at him. "Unless…unless."

"Shut up!" Ichigo grabbed the plushie by the head and threw it to the floor followed by a solid stomp to the head.

"Unless," continued Kon, wiggling his head out from under Ichigo's foot. "Unless you're a virgin." Ichigo scowled and turned away. "You are!" yelled Kon. "You're a virgin!"

"Shut up, Kon!" yelled Ichigo. "The whole world doesn't need to know that."

"What are you so scared about?" said Kon. He freed a hand and gave Ichigo a thumbs up. "Hey. I'll make you a deal. I'll lose your virginity for you. How's that?"

"No deal!" said Ichigo. "End of conversation. Get out!" He lifted his foot and kicked Kon towards the door.

"Hmm, then you'd probably need an older woman who knew how it's done," said Kon.

"Get out!"

"Someone much older," said Kon. "She'd have to show you what to do." He thought for a moment. "Hey, what about Rukia nee-chan?"

Ichigo blush darkened. "What about her?"

"I'm sure she'd let you bang her," said Kon. "You as in me in your body, since you're so reluctant." He went starry eyed. "Her small firm breasts. Her cute ass. And those lacey bunny panties…"

"Shut up, Kon!" yelled Ichigo.

"What's going on?" asked Rukia from the windowsill. She dropped her school bag to the floor and hopped through. Ichigo cringed. Horrible timing, Rukia. Just horrible.

"Nee-chan!" cried Kon reaching out for her. Ichigo stomped on him. "Mmff."

"Stay away from her!" hissed Ichigo. "Horny little plushie."

"What was that?" asked Rukia.

"Um, nothing," said Ichigo, grinding his foot further into Kon.

Rukia opened up the closet and put her bag inside. "Are you ok? It looks like Kon has you more riled up than usual."

"It's nothing."

Kon squeezed out from under his foot. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

In a rage, Ichigo stormed up to Rukia and darted a hand into her jacket pocket. "HEY!" yelped Rukia. He pulled out her red skull glove, yanked it on, and gave Kon a harder than necessary smack on the head. The soul pill clattered to the floor next to the lifeless plushie.

"What's going on?" demanded Rukia

"It was getting noisy," grumbled Ichigo, handing back her gloves. He snatched up the soul pill and threw it into his desk drawer.

Rukia stared at him. "Okay." She turned and went into her closet. She pulled her legs in but left the door open and settled in with her latest manga.

Ichigo heaved deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. He sat back down on his bed and picked up his forgotten manga. Shounen manga. He was reading shounen manga. Big manly shounen manga that had nothing to do with Kon in his body doing Ishida up the-

SMACK

Rukia blinked at manga lying on the floor, its spine broken and bent pages facing upwards waving slightly from impact. "What's going on?"

"Nothing! Nothing!" said Ichigo with a stricken look on his face. He shook his head violently. Just a violently as Tatsuki liked…"FUCK!" He squeezed his eyes shut. He calmed himself down and finally replied, "I didn't like the character in the manga, that's all."

"That must be a really good manga," said Rukia. "Let me read it later? I'm still learning this era's slang."

"Yeah sure. Sure." Ichigo took his hand off his eyes. He needed a cold shower. A very cold shower. Fuck that. He needed Rukia's memory replacer thingy to get rid of the image of Rukia's small firm pale—he clamped his eyes shut and forced the image away. Away. Yes. Away. Thinking good thoughts. Good happy Chappy bunny thoughts that have nothing to do with the little pink bunnies on Rukia's—"FUCK!" He smothered his face with a pillow.

"Hey Ichigo?" said Rukia.

He didn't bother lifting his face up from the pillow. "What?"

"I want to fuck you."

Ichigo's head was up in an instant, wide eyed and mouth gaping at the girl sitting in his closet. "WHAT!"

Rukia held up a page in her manga and pointed to a text bubble. "That's what it says here. "What does 'fuck' mean? You kept saying it."

"Um…" said Ichigo, struggling. "It's slang."

"What does it mean? What does 'fuck you' mean?"

"Uhhh, it's very insulting."

"So if I say 'I wanna fuck you,' it's bad?"

"No, it's good." Ichigo blinked then quickly added, "No, no. I mean, that's bad. Very bad."

"Well, which is it?" asked Rukia. "Do you want to fuck me or what?"

Chappy bunnies. Flowers. Happy thoughts. "It could be good and it could be bad."

"Is it as good for you as it is for me?"

"Uhhhh," Ichigo swallowed. "Um, you don't want to say that, Rukia."

"Why not?"

"It's a proposition."

"To do what?"

"To um…to fuck."

"And how do you fuck?"

"I…I uh…never…uh.." Ichigo stammered. "I don't."

"You don't fuck?"

"I mean…um…I mean…" Ichigo was at a loss. "It's very hard…hard…to…"

"What's very hard?"

Ichigo tried desperately to focus on the hardness of the question…uhh, the difficulty. His mental processes were rapidly degrading. "Um…It's slang for…um…" he cleared his throat. How did his dad give him the birds and the bees? "Uh, when, um, two people love each other…" he frowned then blurted out, "It's when two people go at it."

"Go at what?"

"Bang each other."

"What is bang?"

"Screw."

"What's screw?"

"Do it."

"Do what?"

"Ahhh, fuck."

"That's the original question," said Rukia with a frown. "If you won't tell me I'll ask Asano-san and see what happens."

"No!" yelled Ichigo. "Don't."

"Why not?"

"You don't want to fuck him," said Ichigo.

"Did you fuck him and not like it?"

"NO!" yelped Ichigo. What did he do to deserve this?
"Well, if you would only tell me what that means," said Rukia impatiently.

"It's…you know," said Ichigo. "Making babies…but, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to make babies...but the act of…um…" Rukia blinked at him. "Don't tell me you don't…you know…um, up there. In soul society."

"Babies?" said Rukia.

Ichigo flushed and desperately semi-mimed the motion and parts with his hands. Rukia stared at his hands and burst out laughing.

"What? What?"

Rukia was doubled over shaking with laughter. "I can't take it anymore. I can't..." she gasped for breath. "That was too funny."

"What!" he demanded. "What?" He stared at her, the realization dawning. "You mean, you knew what…"

"Of course I know what sex is, dummy," said Rukia, wiping the laughter tears from her eyes. "How do you think new souls are made?"

"Um…sugar and spice?" asked Ichigo weakly.

"Sugar and spice?" echoed Rukia. She shook her head, a smile on her face. "You kids today have so many euphemisms for sex. Is no one brave enough just to say it?" She shook her manga at him. "Screw, fuck, boing, bang, do it, intercourse, making babies," she rolled her eyes. "It's not that big a deal."

Ichigo stared. "You mean, you…you…"

"Did it?" asked Rukia. "Gotten laid?" Ichigo nodded dumbly. "Sure. Plenty of times." She lifted an eyebrow. "I am hundreds of years older than you and certainly more experienced."

"With- with- with who?" stammered Ichigo.

"I don't fuck and tell, silly boy," teased Rukia.

Ichigo stared at her. He did not believe he was having this conversation. "Wait a minute…" his macho male ego took over. "How do you know you have more experience than me?"

Rukia chuckled and waved a dismissive hand at him. "I sleep in your closet and I'm with you every night. Of course I'm going to know about your sexual activities, which happen to be at zero."

"You haven't lived in my closet my entire life, so how do you know I wasn't a sex fiend before you came?" said Ichigo.

Rukia stared at him. "You, a sex fiend?" She burst out laughing. "Oho ho. I really can't imagine that."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!" They stared each other down. Ichigo was the first to break off. He huffed and crossed his arms. "Fine. So what if I am a virgin." He cleared his throat. "It's perfectly natural for a young man to wait until he's older, in a relationship or married or…something like that."

Rukia stared at him hard then broke into a grin. She hopped out of her closet and smoothed down her skirt. "So," said Rukia. "Wanna fuck?"

"What!" Ichigo sprang to his feet. Thank God nothing else sprang to attention…completely.

"Wanna have sex?" asked Rukia.

Shit. She did not just say that.

"Well?" repeated Rukia.

"Uhh," Ichigo snapped out of his embarrassed funk and shook his head. "No. Noooo. No."

"Why not?" asked Rukia. "It's not like you've tried it before."

"Because…because…" stammered Ichigo "I'm only 16.

"So?" said Rukia. "You hit puberty so you should be fine in that area." She looked pointedly at his crotch.

Ichigo flushed red and strategically folded his hands over said area. "Uh…" Rukia took that as a confirmation of anatomic status.

"So let's go."

"Uhh, how about we not? I've never…I…"

"That's ok," said Rukia. "I'll show you what to do."

"Uhhhhh."

"It's not a big deal, Ichigo."

"Yes it is!"

Rukia placed her hands on her hips, slightly miffed, "You don't want to have sex with me."

"Yes, I mean, no. I mean yes. I mean…I mean…"

"Am I not attractive enough?" asked Rukia. She looked down at herself, at her arms, at her legs. "This gigai is an exact representation of how I look in should society."

"No, no, you look great," blurted Ichigo. "You're really beautiful, and pretty, and sexy and…"

Rukia snickered at his discomfort then examined her fingertips, "Hm, I haven't tried out all of the features of this gigai out yet."

Ichigo couldn't help but ask, "Is your gigai…uh…Fully functional?"

"And anatomically correct," added Rukia, as a matter of factly. She grinned. "Wanna find out how well?"

"Um…"

"I've always wanted to find out myself, but it's not that fun exploring alone," mused Rukia. She looked at Ichigo. "So you're going to help me."

"This isn't like fighting hollows, Rukia," said Ichigo.

"Sure it is," grinned Rukia. "I tell you where, and you stick your man sword in. Simple as that."

"Man sword?" echoed Ichigo.

Rukia huffed. "Men!" she exclaimed. "They can't make a straight forward decision. She stepped closer to him. Ichigo stepped back and fell onto his bed. Uh oh.

Rukia started tugging on his shirt. "Ahh, I don't think…" Ichigo's train of thought quickly dissipated when Rukia's legs were suddenly straddling his. "Um…I…" His thought completely disappeared when Rukia started doing something that felt really good to his neck…then his cheek…where was her tongue going?

Where was his shirt going? It certainly wasn't on him anymore.

Shit. She really was good. Ichigo pulled together some of his brain processes to somehow reciprocate. He managed to get a hand on her back. Where did her shirt go? A quick glance to the right told him he had somehow gotten it off her it was now clenched in his hand. When did that happen? He tossed it aside. Next was her skirt. That's how things progressed in movies, didn't it? He found the clasp in the back. No wait, the next step was supposed to be her bra, wasn't it? His hands traveled up to her bra. Oh wait. That was gone too. So that would mean…

Before Ichigo could look, Rukia pressed herself against his bare chest, playing her fingertips over his collar bone. Ichigo swallowed hard. Yep. She was topless.

Oh look, where were his pants going? Wherever Rukia was tossing them aside, apparently. He marveled at the fact that she had gotten them off him some how while she was still in his lap. Her skirt was off too. When did that happen? So she did have Chappy lacy panties. Ah, yes. She was touching him. Everywhere. Distracting him whenever she took a piece of clothing off. It took Ichigo a second to remind him that it wasn't battle. It was sex and this was foreplay. What came next in the movies?

Oh yes. That.

Many lightheaded moments later, Ichigo found himself lying face up on his bed, his boxers off and Rukia on top of him doing something very distracting to his penis. This isn't to say Rukia was the only one doing the work. Though, it was to be expected. Ichigo was just figuring things out. He did eventually manage to find spots that seemed to please Rukia when he caressed them. And no, he hadn't explored there yet. He was working up to that.

Though, Rukia didn't seem to have that problem. With a throaty giggle, Rukia touched herself then invited him to do the same to her. Teacher and student. As fuzzy as his mind was, Ichigo was sure to remember exactly what he was feeling…which was pretty damn good.

Especially the part of him that Rukia was paying extra attention to. Oh, well, yes, there were a lot of kisses, caresses, and appreciative moans and groans exchanged. But it was clear what Rukia wanted.

Being the more experienced one, Rukia was the one to maneuver their parts into position with her still on top. "Ready?"

"Mmhm." Verbal skills were gone.

"Good."

Something "oh wow" fantastic. Just a little bit. He gasped at the "wow"ness. He wasn't even completely in her either. His face begged her to go all the way, but she was slow. Maybe she wanted to savor it. Maybe it had been a long time since she last did it and it hurt. Maybe…

The tip of him met something like a wall.

"SHIT FUCK DAMNIT!" Hissed Rukia. She pulled out completely and twisted around so she could flop face up on the bed next to him.

"Huh?"

Rukia stuck a finger inside her, then let out another string of curses.

"What? What is it?" asked Ichigo.

Rukia explored herself a little more then gave up. "Damnit. I don't think I can do it."

"Why not?"

"I don't think I have a vagina."

"What?"

"I guess a complete vagina was an optional feature," said Rukia.

"So," said Ichigo, "What are we gonna do now?"

"Well, we can't have sex," huffed Rukia. "There's nowhere for your penis to go."

Ichigo closed his eyes. He couldn't believe that he was having this conversation.

"Oh I know!" said Rukia, her eyes bright and eager. "Let's do it in spirit form!"

"What!" He grunted as Rukia crawled over him and dug around the piles of clothing on the floor. "Spirits can-"Ichigo broke off in mid sentence. Hey, she was still naked.

"Of course they can," said Rukia. She fished her glove out of her discarded skirt pocket, put it on, and pushed Ichigo out of his body.

Ichigo blinked as he looked at his naked unconscious body on the bed. "You could have at least let me get dressed." He tossed a blanket over it, just in case his dad or sisters wandered into his room.

By the time he finished removing all traces of their...activity, Rukia was done pulling out of her gigai body and stuffing it into the closet, still naked. He toed the closet door closed, just in case. Rukia grinned and flashed a little foil package at him.

Ichigo stared. "Please tell me that isn't Chappy Brand Spirit Condoms."

"Then I would be lying," said Rukia. "These are in high demand, you know?"

"As long as it works," said Ichigo. "It better not be one of those novelty condoms that don't work and only taste good."

"My, my, Ichigo," teased Rukia. "I thought you didn't know about such things." Ichigo blushed.

"Shut up. I read about it, okay?" He snatched the foil from her hand.

"I have an idea!" said Rukia excitedly. She climbed onto his window ledge. "Let's do it in public!"

"WHAT!" stammered Ichigo. "Are you out of your mind?"

"They won't see us anyway," said Rukia. She took his hand. He pulled against it.

"No way!"

Rukia frowned. "You've already stopped protesting about losing your virginity and you don't seem to mind that it's me you're losing it to, so what's the point in struggling even now?"

"I don't…I don't know," stammered Ichigo.

Rukia sighed then pulled him to her so she could speak into his ear. "Do you remember when you were inside me?"

Ichigo swallowed hard. "Um. Yeah." It was oh-wow.

"Imagine the rest of it."

Oh wow.

"Okay."

Rukia grinned. "Atta boy." And with that, Rukia pulled him out the window in search of a nice public spot to have sex.

Asano sighed as he left the karaoke place. He had encountered five women who were drunk out of their minds. Logically, he would have at least found one that was willing to give into his charms. In actuality, the only thing the five women had given him were five slaps to the face. He sighed again. What he wouldn't give for a little action. He could always find a prostitute. He sighed yet again. But that would mean more money than it took to buy a girl drinks. He looked at the couples walking into the love hotel a few doors down from the karaoke place. They were definitely going to get some tonight. Asano sighed and tried to convince himself that he wasn't the only one not getting any. He didn't see Chad or Ishida with girls…ever. He didn't even think sweet big-boobed Orihime knew what sex was. Ichigo and Rukia were just as unlikely. They were both innocent in a clueless sort of way…

Unless it was a quarter past 6 behind the cluster of trees in the park by the karaoke place.

Asano gaped and stared. Ichigo and Rukia? Butt naked and having sex in the park. In broad day light? He rubbed at his eyes. Sweat glistened off their trembling bodies in the sun. No. No. He shook his head. It was too unlikely. They were too innocent. Too easily embarrassed

A moan filled the air. "Oh, Ichigo!"

He was hallucinating. He had to be. It was a hallucination that drew on his sexed up hormones. That was all. He just needed a cold shower. He started walking away.

Another moan. "You do have a vagina!"

And Asano walked a little bit faster.

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AN: I tried to keep Rukia from going OCC as much as possible. Lol. I guess she just didn't want to. And damnit, I tried to not have a sex scene. I guess it had to be written. sigh I tried. Constructive Questions and Comments appreciated.