A/N: Got this baby up in plenty of time tonight, for once...I came up with the 'which card would you be' while playing spider solitaire...I was just like, "If Remus was a card he'd be the six of spades. If Sirius was a card, he'd be the eight of spades." Then I had a bunch of other ideas and slapped them all together. The result is this. I hope it's better than I think it is. Damn writer's block...
MOO: #4
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Dedication: For Rachel. Och, ah miss ye, ye fa' arse!
Disclaimer: Insert favourite I-do-not-own here
Warning: Slash. Some mild language. This is so random. I had no plan for this, I just made it up as I went. No suggestiveness was intentionally written, though I'm sure dedicated readers can find some...
"If I were a card, I'd be the six of spades," said Remus thoughtfully.
"What the hell, Moony? What are you going on about this time?" asked James incredulously, looking up from his homework. So far, it had scorch marks on it and very little else.
"If I were a card, I'd be the six of spades," repeated Remus. "I don't see what's so difficult to understand."
"Why would you be the six of spades?" Sirius said absently. He was concentrating on the Exploding Snap cards he was making a castle of on the carpet next to James. Remus was concentrating on Sirius and not letting Sirius know Remus was concentrating on Sirius.
"I dunno. I just would. You'd be the eight of spades. Prongsy would be the two of diamonds, and Tail would be…hmm, what would he be?"
"The joker," answered Peter, sliding down the banister into the common room.
Sirius snorted. "You wish. You'd be a….seven, I think. Moony?"
"Seven…er…no, nine?" Remus mused. Stop looking at me like that. I can never concentrate when you do that. "No, I think he would be the joker."
"What suit?" asked James, abandoning his homework to help Sirius with his castle.
"Spades, definitely," Peter said immediately.
"Why spades?" James questioned.
"Well, Moony and Pads are spades and they're flying with the fairies, so--"
"Peter Pettigrew, are you finally admitting you're gay?" Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius is flying with the fairies--? OHGODOHGODOHGOD HE JUST TOLD THEM I WAS TOO OHGODOHGODOHGOD………
Sirius turned to James to exchange looks. Remus hid behind his book.
Sirius noticed, but decided not to comment.
"Who with?" Sirius asked Peter as his castle exploded, destroying James' pitiful attempt at homework and singing the tip of his own nose. Remus peeked above his book. Why is he asking? Oh god, he doesn't like Wormtail, does he? He can't. It's not possible. DOES he, though? No, of course not. Obviously. Of course.
Wormtail, you're a fabulous friend, but if he's hitting on you then I may have to kill you…
"Well…er…" Peter shrank back in the overstuffed armchair, blushing.
Remus sighed. "This is getting awkward. Sirius, show us some card tricks." Then I'll have a legitimate excuse to stare at you…
"Lemme just run and get another pack so they won't explode in the middle of the fortune-telling." Sirius dashed up the stairs.
Peter and James looked at each other and started laughing uncontrollably. By the time they had calmed down, Sirius was back with a fresh pack of cards.
Well, fresh is a relative term. This pack was ancient, absolutely slathered in all sorts of stains.
Sirius leapt off the banister, landed in the middle of the group, and dumped the cards on the carpet.
"Right, who's first?" he asked. He waggled his eyebrows. "Come one, come all, get yer fortune told by the wonderfully amazing and fabulously drop-dead sexy Sirius Black!"
James and Peter collapsed into a fit of hysterics again.
"Sod you both, I can tell fortunes with these cards!" Sirius huffed. "Any idiot can do a Tarot reading. It takes skill to tell fortunes with an ordinary pack of cards. So shut it, you bastards. Wormtail! Front and centre, boy!"
Peter saluted, still sniggering, and sat down in front of Sirius. Sirius cracked his knuckles, eliciting a wince from the rest of the young men. He shuffled the cards far more elaborately than necessary, then spread them facedown on the rug with a flourish.
"Pick however many you wish," Sirius ordered, trying (and failing) to sound mysterious. "Lay them face down on the carpet."
Peter did so, choosing ten cards. The two and three of clubs, the five, three, eight, and ten of hearts, the seven, eight, and three of spades, and the four of diamonds.
Sirius studied them for a minute, then nodded impassively to himself.
"Peter, you will have some sort of argument with three guys, the four of you will have known each other pretty well and they'll side with each other against someone, but it won't be you, cos of the three of hearts there. Lucky break for you. I'm apparently involved somehow, cos of the eight of spades, but I come out of it pretty much ok and so do you, see the eight of hearts? And Prongsy is either going to be harmed by the outcome of this argument or seriously pissed off by it. This'll occur when we're in, like, our twenties."
Remus and James exchanged looks and laughed. "Like that will ever happen!" exclaimed James.
"Yeah, that's about as likely as Prongsy nailing Evans!" added Peter.
"Yeah--WAIT!" James glowered at Peter, then leapt up and started chasing him around the common room.
Remus and Sirius sniggered. After a few minutes, Sirius decided to intervene and save Peter.
"Oi! Prongsy! Your turn, you great sodding prat. Leave the git alone."
James ignored him.
"I'll let you know if you get Evans or not."
James was sitting in front of Sirius almost instantly. Remus swallowed nervously. Crap. That's going to be awkward sitting in front of Sirius like that…
"Tellmetellmetellme how many times do I get to--"
"Ah, yes," interrupted Sirius. "Perverted Potter…Shall I read your sad, sexless, lonely future?"
James glared.
Sirius grinned like the devil, shuffled the cards again, and swept them facedown across the carpet. "Pick however many you choose, but more cards does not mean more times with Evans, to warn you in advance."
James stuck his tongue out at Sirius and chose four cards. The two of diamonds, the two of hearts, the two of clubs, and the ace of spades.
Sirius raised his eyebrows and whistled. "Nice, Prongs!"
James leaned in eagerly. "What? What is it?"
"Prongsy old mate, you end up with Lily and a bouncing baby son!"
"YESSS!" James punched the air in triumph. "Wait--the kid's mine, right?"
Sirius nodded. "Looks like you're not gonna have him for long, though."
"Why?" asked James, nonplussed. "Will he be ok?"
"Well, doesn't look like he's gonna die as a baby or anything. I dunno. Maybe you knock her up too early and have to give the kid away for adoption or something." Sirius shrugged. "Who knows?"
James had a wide grin on his face and a vacant look in his eyes.
"Oi, go and have your dirty fantasies somewhere else, you perv! Honestly." Remus scolded. Pleeeeease let Sirius forget about reading my fortune. Pretty please, baby Jesus?
James didn't move, so Remus threw a cushion at him.
"Mph--what--Moony, you bastard!" Distraction! Yes, good, start something with Prongsy, then Sirius will forget all about--
"Moony's turn!" Sirius sang, cutting James off again. Remus sighed. Damn.
"Do I have to?" he groaned. Sirius gave a rendition of his infamous Puppy Dog Eyes.
"Ooh, that's just unfair, you bastard." Remus pouted. I am putty in your hands. Oh, bugger. He sighed. "Fine. You may make things up off the top of your head and pretend the cards told you."
"That's all I ask," answered Sirius cheerfully. "Come and sit."
Remus rolled his eyes but took James' place in front of Sirius. Must exercise control, must NOT jump Sirius…I am calm, I will stay calm, even though he's sitting like that RIGHT in front of me…
"No fancy juggling cards in my lap like you were doing or I'll hex one into your trachea," Remus warned. Hurry up so I can stop being so stupid and awkward in front of you and go back to ogling you from the other side of Prongs! I cannot handle you up close like this, please don't get any closer…
Sirius pouted, but obeyed. "Pick however many cards you want."
Remus picked three. Sirius scooped them up before Remus could see what they were. He goggled at the cards, then started laughing.Remus glowered. Ooh, now that's just mean.
"What? What?" Remus tried to grab Sirius' hand to get a look at the cards. OH DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN did I just grab Sirius' hand…bugger, I did…I am such a prat…felt nice though…oh, bugger…
"Come on mate, give us a look."
Sirius grinned and placed the cards on the table one by one.
A six of spades. "That would be me," noted Remus.
An eight of spades. "That's you," said Remus. Knowing my luck, this will turn out to be something like 'OOH you are going to be single and miserable while I sleep with everyone else and tell you about it, completely oblivious to your obvious crush on me' or 'you are finally going to crack under pressure and jump me, after which I will never speak to you ever, ever again'…
"Get on with it!"
Sirius' grin widened. He placed the final card face-up on the table. Remus gaped.
"That---it--it can't mean--but--you--I--it--you--" Remus stuttered. That---it--it can't mean--but--you--I--it--you--
Suddenly, Remus found it very hard to talk (or think), because one Sirius Black was snogging him quite literally senseless. The cards were scattered to the four corners of the common room in the ensuing activities, and the third card fluttered to land under the couch.
The ace of hearts.