Author's Note: Welcome to another Sasuke and Naruto one-shot. This one I actually thought up as I was reading some fan fiction, and decided to try a little something new. This is SasuNaru, or is it NaruSasu? Hn. (Winks) Read and you'll find out. This entire fic is a debate on whether Sasuke is seme or Naruto is seme. Let's see what the others think. Oh, and a little bit of Iruka and Kakashi too as an added bonus.
Warning: Shonen-ai. Naughty shoulder angels and devious shoulder demons.
Notes: Here are some definitions before I begin the fic. Not everyone here knows what 'seme' or 'uke' means, so I'll clarify it right now.
Seme: the dominant of a relationship, "tops". Uke: the recessive of a relationship, "bottoms".
Disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto
Seme or Uke
by Mint Pizza Queen
"We were wondering..."
"...if it's not too much trouble..."
"...if you wouldn't mind answering..."
"...an important question for us?"
Sakura gave the two boys a blank stare, mouth opening and closing with nothing coming out. Finally, she raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "Huh?"
Sasuke let out a sigh and Naruto waved a parchment. "Can you answer an important question for us? It's a poll sort of thing that me and Sasuke are doing."
"Sure I can answer the question! I just answered you right now, didn't I?" Sakura harrumphed and Sasuke rolled his eyes. "So what's the question?"
"If me and Naruto were in a relationship, which of us would be the seme and which of us would be the uke?" Sasuke blatantly asked, ignoring Naruto's reddening face.
Sakura went rigid, then into a frenzy. "What!" She wind-milled her arms, about to beat the pulp out of the blond before Sasuke stepped in again.
"Sakura, chill. Does it look like we're going to be getting together anytime soon?" Sasuke watched Sakura boredly as she shook her head slowly. "Exactly. Now, just answer."
"W-well," she began, still shaken up by the shocking question. "I would say Sasuke seems more of the dominant type—"
Naruto's shoulders slumped and Sasuke's shoulder demon began to prance in jubilation, tossing its trident in the air as it whooped and hollered with glee.
"—but there are times when Naruto seems more dominant, and doesn't really seem like the type to back down in something like that so easily, but I'll still go with Sasuke as the seme and Naruto as the uke." She smiled sweetly at Sasuke.
The demon on Sasuke's shoulder flew at Sakura at high speed and kissed her, then flew back to his shoulder and mooned the angel. The angel sighed, looked around carefully, and then flipped the demon off. The demon gave an appalled look, then tsked the angel, swiping a finger across the other in a 'shame on you' way. The angel snorted, and 'poofed' away.
"Thank you," Sasuke snatched the parchment from Naruto and made a mark. "We'll be on our way now."
"Oh! Can you tell me your results at the end?" She clasped her hands, eyes bright and eager.
"Sure, sure. Let's go." Sasuke grabbed Naruto's arm and dragged him off in search of their next victim.
"Hey Neji!" Naruto flew up to the Hyuuga and grinned. "Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did." The teen smirked, then frowned at the sight of Sasuke. "Make it snappy. I got to get training."
"Okay, okay. If me and Sasuke were in a relationship, who would be seme and uke?" Naruto saw Neji's mouth fly open with a mightily confused look but raised a hand before he could say anything. "Just answer. It's a poll we're doing."
Looking back at the Uchiha. Neji smirked. "I would say that Naruto is the seme and Sasuke is the uke. After all, 'uke' is in the Uchiha's name. So it just seems more fitting."
This time both the angel and the demon on Sasuke's shoulders flipped the teen off.
"Thanks Neji! Good luck with your training!" With that, Naruto grabbed the scroll, marked it down, and ran off with Sasuke in search of more people.
"Hey, what are you two doing?" Tenten placed her hands on her hips, tilting her head as Naruto bounced up to her.
"Doing a poll! Wanna answer a question?"
She eyed them questioningly but shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
"Okay, if me and Sasuke were together, who would be seme and who would be uke?"
She nearly laughed aloud. "If you two were together, his fan club," She pointed to Sasuke. "Would murder you and there would be neither seme or uke to worry about."
Naruto gave a look. "Don't say that! That's mean!"
"But true. But I'll say Sasuke is the seme and you're the uke." She smiled weakly and walked away with a waved. "Have fun with your poll. See you around."
Sasuke's shoulder demon waved sweetly at her, blowing a kiss to her and was about to make another gesture but the angel elbowed him before he could.
"Naruto buddy! Whatcha up to?" Kiba and Naruto gave each other a high-five.
"Doing a poll! Wanna take it?"
"How long is it?"
Sasuke held up the sheet. "One question. I ask. You answer."
Kiba shrugged grinning. "Sure! Hey, Hinata! Shino! Wanna do it?"
Shino shrugged unenthusiastically. Hinata blushed. "S-sure."
"Okay, the question is this: If me and Naruto were in a relationship, who would be seme and who would be uke?" Sasuke asked boredly. Maybe it was a bad idea. He was getting extremely bored with it now.
"Sasuke! Totally Sasuke! He would pound you into the bed!" Kiba chortled loudly, causing both Naruto's and Sasuke's faces to become red.
"I wouldn't say pound, and not necessarily the bed." Shino pushed up his glasses. "But yes, Sasuke as the seme. And your first surface of encounter will be the kitchen table."
There was a pause.
"Okaaaaay, and you Hinata?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow.
"Well, I-I would say, N-Naruto as the s-s-seme." She blushed deeper than the boys did.
"Thank you." Naruto grinned at Hinata, face still rouge.
The demon blew a raspberry at Hinata, but stopped as it made a note for Sasuke to take Shino's advice and use the kitchen table for more than just eating.
"Okay, bastard, what's the score so far?" Naruto crossed his arms, staring at Sasuke as the Uchiha looked at the sheet.
"You have two, I have four." Sasuke smirked. "Well, this is interesting."
Naruto snorted. "Sure. Whatever. Let's get going."
"Hey, what are you doing?"
Sasuke and Naruto both froze, turning their heads to see the Sand Siblings standing on the pathway watching them. Gaara was glaring.
"Well?"
"Uh, uh, we'regiving a poll..." Naruto cringed.
"What kind of poll?" Gaara raised an eyebrow.
"To see who would be seme or uke if me and him," Naruto pointed at Sasuke. "Were in a relationship."
Gaara closed his eyes and nodded. Suddenly, they shot open and he spoke firmly. "Naruto."
"Huh?" Sasuke and Naruto both were dumbfounded.
"Naruto would be seme. Sasuke would be uke. Right?" Gaara eyed Temari and Kankuro.
Kankuro nodded. "Uh, yeah. What he said."
Temari shrugged. "What Gaara said."
Naruto chortled with glee as he marked it down on the parchment.
Sasuke's shoulder demon made a fist and was making a motion to beat up the redhead. While he was doing that, the angel was flipping off Gaara and was coming up with obscenities that would remain unheard to any ear except the demon's.
The Sand Siblings soon left quickly. Naruto and Sasuke were still stunned.
"Eh, let's go."
"I agree. I don't want them to show up again."
"Hi Sasuke!" Ino's voice rang out across the street from the ramen stand where she, Shika, and Choji were sitting and enjoying a bowl of ramen.
The two teens walked up to them and sat at empty stools. Ino smiled. "So, whatcha up to?"
"We're doing a poll," Sasuke began but was interrupted.
"Oh! That's so cool! Can I do it?"
"Well, we were going to ask if all three of you would be willing to do it."
Ino chirped up. "Sure! Right you two?"
Shika shrugged. "As long as I don't have to do much. It's so troublesome."
Choji continued to slurp up the ramen.
Naruto drooled. Raaaaameeeeen.
"Okay, the question is this: If me and Naruto were in a relationship, who would be seme and who would be uke?"
Ino almost went into a frenzy as Sakura did but Sasuke reassured her just as he had with the pink haired girl.
"Oh, well, then, I'd say that Sasuke would be the seme." She smiled at him.
The demon cringed, the dove into the angel's robes, peeking out in terror. The angel glared, grabbed the demon by the hair, and threw it off the shoulder. It then clapped it hands, wiping off the dust and went back to watching the group.
Shika looked up with a raised eyebrow. "Naruto would be seme."
Choji paused in mid-slurp. "What he said."
Sasuke marked it down and dragged Naruto away as Ino started to curse and yell at the two boys for saying that her Sasuke-kun was a uke because really, he's not even though Shika pointed out that 'uke' was in the boy's name.
Naruto was still drooling at the ramen.
"We should've gotten something to eat while we were there!" Naruto hmphed with annoyance.
"I want to finish this up before we do anything else. Then after, you can go stuff yourself with whatever you want." Sasuke looked at the parchment, and calculated that Naruto was in the lead by two votes.
"Finish up what?" The two looked up to see Iruka and Kakashi approaching, both holding grocery bags.
"This poll, we're asking people who they think would be seme or uke if me and Naruto were together."
Iruka almost dropped his bag, but kept a grip on it. Kakashi merely chuckled.
"Oh, it's so obvious. You would be the seme, Sasuke." Kakashi smiled under the mask.
"No way! Naruto would be the seme!" Iruka bellowed. "You Sharigan users think you're so cool with those red eyeballs and you get to be dominant in everything, which isn't true!"
"I was just saying—"
"Naruto is seme! But even if he was, he's too young to get in a relationship like that anyway!"
"Iruka—"
"And furthermore, you seme you, we need to talk about our own habits."
"Iruka—"
"For now on, weekends I get to top and I get to shower first. Got it? And—"
"Iruka!"
"What!"
Kakashi pulled down his mask and placed his lips on Iruka's to hush him.
Sasuke and Naruto were already gone after Iruka started ranting about red eyeballed semes.
Sasuke wiped off his brow and glanced over at the blond. "Let's ask five more people and then call it quits."
Naruto nodded. "I agree." Suddenly, there was a sound of 'hiyah!' from the wooded area ahead of them. Rising from the bench, the two walked over to the trees and found a clearing beyond them.
In the clearing was Gai and Rock Lee, training together as usual.
Naruto grinned. "Let's ask them two!"
Sasuke shrugged. "All right then."
"Yo! Lee! Gai-sensei!"
The two stopped, looked over to the teens in the trees, and waved. "Greetings young ones!" Gai welcomed in his overly happy manner. "Come forth and join us in our training!"
Naruto sweatdropped. "No, that's okay. Maybe another day. We just got a question for you two."
"Ask away!" Lee smiled, with the same giddiness as his teacher.
The demon and angel both blinked and then gagged.
"Well, we're doing a poll. Who would be seme and uke if me and Sasuke were together?"
Gai stood up in a pose that frightened the demon into a faint, causing the angel to start fanning him, pleading for him to 'wake up, you sonofabitch, wake up!'.
"A relationship doesn't need a seme or a uke! All that matters is the love!"
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee!"
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee!"
"It's so true! You are so correct!"
"Of course, Lee! True love knows no tops or bottoms!"
Sasuke bit his tongue before dragging off a laughing Naruto.
"I swear! I think they're together!"
"Please don't say that. I have enough nightmares seeing the bushy eyebrows. Don't make me think anything more about them two." Sasuke shuddered, causing Naruto to laugh even more.
"Hey, I know! Let's ask the old hag and the pervert teacher of mine!" Naruto grinned. "They'd get a kick out of this!"
Sasuke sighed. "Fine then."
Oh, they did get a kick out of it. So did the angel and the demon, but that's another story.
When the last word came out of Sasuke's mouth, Tsunade and Jiraiya both burst into a fit of laughter, and both attempted to answer but could only keep wheezing and gasping for air, holding their sides all the while.
Sasuke shook his head and sighed in exasperation.
They did get their answers, which turned out the both the old hag and pervert teacher agreed that because of Naruto's idiotic nature, that Sasuke was more fit to be the seme and Naruto as the uke.
Naruto left them with a goodbye present though, which consisted of nosebleeds for he transformed into his Sexy no Jutsu form, blowing a kiss and waving deviously.
Sasuke, seemingly immune to this form, grabbed him (or her, whatever Naruto was now) and dragged the teen out of the office, stark naked in his girl form, causing even more people to have nosebleeds and keel over twitching.
Naruto stayed in that form up until Sasuke smacked him a few times on the ass and groped him once and decided that maybe being in that form around Sasuke wasn't such a good idea, because Sasuke found it most amusing to squeeze the boobs and call them water balloons that were about ready to burst.
Stupid Sasuke.
The two made it to Sasuke's house and were seated at the kitchen table, totaling up the votes so far.
"Well, it's a tie." Sasuke said, staring at the page.
"We need to break it!" Naruto formed a fist, waving it slightly.
"We need a tiebreaker. But who?"
The two paused for a moment before glancing at each other.
"Is he willing?" Sasuke asked.
Naruto shrugged. "I don't know. I'll ask him."
Hey, Kyuubi.
Stupid brat. What?
Mind answering a question? If it's about this poll you're doing, certainly. I got something to say about it.
Okay, what?
Sasuke is the seme. You're the uke.
Wait, why?
Because I want to hear you screeeeeaaaam. I want to see you pounded in the bed. I want—
Okay, going now!
Wait! I'm not done yet! I didn't even get to the part about doing it on the bus!
"Well?" Sasuke tilted his head.
Naruto slumped in his chair. "He said he wants you to be seme."
Sasuke smirked. "Okay, that breaks it. I win."
Naruto scowled. "You bastard."
The demon and angel on Sasuke's shoulder were holding hands skipping around in a circle, singing some obscene song about screwing Naruto all night long, doo-daa, doo-daa. Their song ended when Sasuke stood up.
"Okay, get up."
Naruto's eyes flew open. "Eh?"
Sasuke smirked, leaning across the table. "You heard the people. You're the uke, and I'm the seme. Shino was right too. The kitchen table is a nice place to start. Now," Sasuke stood back up and pointed to Naruto's pants. "Lose 'em."
"So, did you guys get the results?"
The next day came quickly, and team seven had met up on the bridge, waiting for their teacher to arrive. While they were waiting, Sakura decided to ask about the previous day's poll, curious about the results.
Sasuke and Naruto exchanged looks, and Naruto suddenly looked very sore and tired and Sasuke very happy and pleased with himself. "Yup."
"Well?"
Sasuke smirked. "I'm the seme. As always."
Naruto gritted his teeth and glared at Sasuke. "Bastard." He then hobbled away, limping.
Sakura raised an eyebrow, shooting a look at Sasuke.
Sasuke shrugged, giving a 'I know what you're thinking and yes we did that but I'm going to give you a I have no idea what you're talking about look anyway' expression before taking off after Naruto.
Kakashi never did show up that day.
And the angel and demon? They eloped and moved into Kakashi's house to have full coverage on some awesome bed shows and got free readings from Icha Icha Paradise.
-End-
Final Score:
Sasuke: 9
Naruto: 8
Undecided: 2