UNDYING PIE 2
This is the last chapter. All you're getting until Undying Pie 3. Lol.
I disclaim... All copyrighted things... Yaaa...
Let's go!
------------------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER TWELVE - A VERY SIMPLE (AND STUPID) ENDING
Hojo cleared his throat.
"Ahem. Welcome to the second meeting of the League Of Extraordinary Scientists. As the Eight..."
He counted the numbers of members present.
"...Seven Scientist Lords that are present, it is OUR responsibility to protect the ORDER of this Universe so that we can wreck havoc upon it ourselves!!"
"So now we're back on track getting rid of the failure?" Weetos asked.
"Yes." Hojo replied.
"No more cereal?"
"No. I got taken to court for it. And it's all your FAULT. Asswipe." Hojo groaned. "Anyway, I figured there is only one way we can defeat the failure."
"How?" The others asked in perfect sync. Nerds...
"By unlocking our united power... The power to defeat anything in our way - We can destroy the failure!"
"Really?" The others asked in perfect sync. Again. Nerds...
"Yes." Hojo confirmed. "However, we are short of one member..."
He then turned angsty again, just like he had done in previous chapters.
"...AND WITHOUT THAT MEMBER, WE CANNOT CALL ON OUR UNITED POWER!!!!! And also, German Alien Scientist and Ross, we're throwing you out, sorry."
"WHAT!? WHY!?" German Alien and Ross said in perfect sync. Nerds...
"Because you prove useless, and annoying, and we require USEFUL Extraordinary Scientists." Hojo said. "Dist, if you'd like to do the honours?"
"Certainly!" Dist said happily, and then removed a gun, and fired a shot into GA's head, and then did the same to Ross. They both died instantly. Hahahaha.
"Ahem, thank you." Hojo continued. "Now, let's go get the other three members!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
But what Hojo didn't know was that 'member' was now slang for penis. How inappropriate...
Anyway, meanwhile, our favourite gang of protagonists were heading up to Cloud's mansion, after Axel and Roxas had quickly gone to find them and told them how Aeris had been kidnapped... AGAIN! Axel had lied, and said he and Roxas did EVERYTHING they could to save her, but it proved hopeless due to the four giant crazy MONSTERS OF... WHATEVER!
"OBJECTION!!!!!!!" Sephiroth Wright, Ace Attorney yelled, slamming the front door of Cloud's mansion open with his foot.
"BUH!!!?" Cloud said in a dumb manner, as he sat in a chair in his adorable little reception area, consisting of two little armchairs and a couch set around a wooden coffee table, in front of a wonderful, large, fiery fireplace.
"OOOOOH! FIRE!" Axel said in excitement, but went ignored.
Aeris, who was sat in the other armchair, squealed loudly, and jumped into Cloud's lap. "CLOUD! IT'S SEPHIROTH! HE'S COME TO KILL ME!"
Sephiroth stared at them, and let a huge sweat drop fall down his face.
"UltraFan, go, just... Turn everything back to normal!" He groaned, twitching.
"Do we still have our deal?" UltraFan asked as she stepped forward.
Sephiroth nodded, to which she squeaked, "Ooooh! Goody!!!"
Cloud stood up quickly with a yelp, causing Aeris to ungracefully fall right into the table. He looked down at her, and rolled his eyes.
"Aeeeeeris!!!!" He pined. "That's a vintage wooden coffee table!!!"
Aeris shook her head, as Cloud drew the Omega Weapon (since Zack had gotten the Buster Sword back), and launched himself forward towards the group.
"UltraFan!!!!!" He yelled. "What are you doing!!!!!?"
"Sephiroth-sama promised to go on a date with me if I made everything like it was before!!!!" She beamed. "All the fics will return to FF-dot-net, and you'll go back to your bitterly cold grave!!! The crazy apocalypse of crossovers will stop, and everything will be good again!!!!!!!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cloud shouted. "DON'T DO IT, ULTRAFAN!!!!!! I AM YOUR MASTER!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO..."
And, as Cloud began ranting, Zack prodded Sephiroth on the shoulder and whispered, "You agreed to go on a date with her?"
"Just watch." He whispered back.
"NOW, I WILL RESTORE THE BALANCE OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!" UltraFan screamed like the Mary-Sue she is.
All the lights in the room dimmed, and she began to create a giant ball of energy, when suddenly...
------------------------------------------------------------------
...The scene changed!!! Oh noes...?
Hojo had decided to return to his lab at home, before departing on his quest for the remaining members of the League of Extraordinary Scientists.
"Now let's see..." He mumbled to himself. "If I find those other two members, I just need--"
He suddenly paused in shock. There, in the middle of his lab, stood a male teenager, leaning over his latest experiment.
There was a tingly crash, as a test tube slipped from the young man's fingers. Hojo twitched in surprise... And anger.
"Who the Goddamn hell ARE YOU!!!!!?" He snapped.
"I'm Sparda." The teen replied.
'This is madness!!!!!'
'No, this is SPARDA!!!!!!!!!!' Those random 300 guys bellowed in the background.
"WHY ARE YOU HERE!!!!!?"
"I... Uhh... Was interested in this very expensive test tube, here!!" Sparda replied. "Although, I kinda dropped it, and it smashed..."
Hojo twitched more. "YOU IMBECILE!!! THAT WAS MY MOST PRECIOUS AND EXPENSIVE TEST TUBE!!!!!!!!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NEED TO BE INTERESTED IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?"
"Well, see, I don't have a test tube to upgrade my Guitar Sword, so..."
"...WHAT!!!?"
"Well, you know how in FF8, ridiculous items like 'turtle shells' are needed to upgrade weapons?"
"...I see... BUT, THAT WAS STILL MY TEST TUBE, AND YOU BROKE IT!!!!!"
Sparda begun to walk off past Hojo. "Yeah, well, sorry Gramps, but it's water under the bridge, as they would say..."
But, before he could exit the lab, Hojo grabbed his shoulder.
"Ooooooh no!" He smirked. "You're not going ANYWHERE until I get my repayment for that test tube!"
Sparda frowned.
"Urm... Well, how can I pay you back...?" He asked.
"You will work for me and the LOES!" Hojo cackled, causing Sparda to frown further.
"...That doesn't sound good!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
And, in all honesty, it probably wasn't.
"Now, everyone of a lower calabour than me, as I am the High Priest of Extraordinary Science..." Hojo began to rant. "As you know, we need to find three outstanding members of LOES. But, you must be warned - Two of these members - One a new recruit I have traced through many documents in an efficiently short amount of time, and another the member that I said would never come and then got angsty and emo over - are highly... Erm... Different to us..."
"They're not scientists?" Weetos asked.
"No, of course they are!!" Hojo snapped. "How do I put this...? They're more... Like Dist than the rest of us."
Everyone turned their heads to look at Dist, who shifted uncomfortably.
"They're both (ergo)... Effeminate?" The Architect, who had only just made his appearance now, asked.
"Hmm... You're warm." Hojo replied.
"Why thank you. I do have a relatively high body temperature. Concordidly." Said the Architect, causing Hojo to roll his eyes and shake his head.
"Nevermind. But, before we set out, here is our Cabin Boy."
Hojo indicated to Sparda, who wasn't looking too pleased with his new, erm, position.
"On our journey, he will serve as map holder, drink holder, and holder of anything else, except for test tubes. Do not let the boy touch the Goddamn test tubes!!"
And so, the six remaining Scientist Lords - Hojo, Weetos, Frink, Dist, Odine and the Architect - equipped with their 'Cabin Boy' Sparda and lots of useful goods that Scientist Lords would need - set off on their magical, mystical journey to find new Scientist Lords in hope of unlocking a joint power between them that could reverse the effects of their failure...
------------------------------------------------------------------
...Of course, what they didn't realise was that their failure was already reversed, thanks to the true heroes of this story! WOOHOO!!!!
"CLOUDO!!!!!!!!" UltraFan roared, CHARGIN HER LAZAH!!!!! (Or, you know, just powering up). "In bishounen quality, you could NEVER HOLD A CANDLE TO SEPHY!!!!!!!!"
Cloud stared blankly at her.
"...Well, this isn't good for my self-esteem..." He said, before attempting to slit his wrist with his sword.
And then, UltraFan SHOOP DA WHOOP'D!!!!!!!!!!! And before he knew it, Cloud was engulfed in UltraFan's wrath and sent back to the Lifestream, screaming his emo head off. Oh, the cliché!
"YAY!!!!" Everyone cheered, for Cloud was finally DEAD!!!!!!
"Hey, Sephiroth!" Aeris said, happily, just walking up to him as normal. "What are we doing here? Last thing I remember, Tifa said something was up, so we headed out to the 7th Heaven."
She seemed to have lost her entire memory of most of the duration of this story! As the author, I don't know whether to be happy... Or rather insulted!
Sephiroth scratched the back of his neck uneasily. "Yeeeahh... It's a long story, and perhaps it's best that you don't know!"
"Here's an idea!" Cid said, lighting up a cigarette. "Maybe we can all go back to the 7th Heaven now, and Tifa can make us all some Goddamn tea!"
And then, everyone shared a long, hearty Scooby-Doo style laugh.
Cid just stared gormlessly at them. "What...? I was being SERIOUS!!!!"
And so, every--
"HEY! HEY! Miss Author Person!!!" UltraFan said loudly. "Before you start with the 'And so they all went home happily' crap, I need to arrange my date with Sephy!!!!!!!"
...And so, Reeve appeared, gave a quick hello, and then took a kicking and screaming (and USED and BETRAYED) UltraFan back to wherever he was planning on going to do whatever he planned on doing with her.
And so, everyone went back to the 7th Heaven, happy that Cloud was very easily defeated, and that finally the Author could take a break before the start of Undying Pie 3!
"Hey, wait a minute..." Kadaj said, being hit by a wave of suspiciously suspecting suspicion.
He looked over at Roxas, who was sat drinking tea like a good boy. "Roxas, where the hell is Anvil?"
"Axel." Roxas corrected dully. "And, I actually don't know..."
And, so, nobody (hahahahahahahahahahaha, gettit!?) knew where Axel was. Which was a shame, really. Or WAS it?
Well, even if the world was probably not safe for very long, everyone learned a valuable lesson from these turns of events.
"Well..." Sephiroth said. "Even if the world probably still isn't safe for very long, I've learned a valuable lesson - Fandoms should NEVER be the basis of any world, no matter how appealing they are."
"I've learned a valuable lesson too!" Aeris said perkily, taking out a notepad and writing on it. "And that's to remember stuff that I've done after I've apparently suffered from amnesia!"
"I've learned that the moon isn't scary - In fact, it can be rather enjoyable!" Vincent added, slightly out of character.
"I've learned that now Loz is presumed dead - the initials of the SHM names spell 'SKY!'" Kadaj contributed.
"I've learned that being cool just ISN'T worth it!" Barret said for no... Apparent reason, except to fit in. Spot the blatant irony there!
"I've learned that nothing reminds me of my first time like seeing a girl crying!" Reeve said, earning an awkward silence.
"Well, I've learned nothing." Roxas said, breaking the chain. "I still don't know who I am, where my heart is, why the Keyblade chose me... I don't even know when Axel--"
And, as Roxas continued to ramble about his depressing state of mind, this is where our dear fic of epic failure, misfortune, bad fandoms and a LOT of yaoi draws itself to an end.
BASS IT!
FINALLY! IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
(huge sigh of relief)
Leave me some questions, please? Lulz...
Going now am I... To read yaoi am I...
Luff and fluff! And look out for my Org XIII HoND parody!
TOODLE-OO!
--ArcBus