A:N: This update has taken me a long time to publish. I have had serious writers block, and after many attempts at writing an update, I was finally inspired this new year. I hope to be able to update on a regular basis, but being a full time college student; I find any personal time majorly lacking.

This chapter is in Tommy's pov, and a continuance from chapter eight. I hope some of the first readers of this story come back and enjoy this. Thanks to everyone who has been faithfully asking me to update over the years.

Chapter Nine

"Weeelly, weeelly fast!"

Coming home that day the first words to greet me were my daughters. Her voice dripping in excitement, I missed that voice so much. Stepping away from the garage door access in the house I slowly followed Farley's cheerful commands until I reached the living room.

Boxes full of tapes sat in scattered order across the floor. Jude must have been watching the tapes all day long. My eyes trailed from the tapes up to the screen where Farley was being pushed around the kitchen floor on her new bike. A faint smile lifted my lips as I watched her chubby legs being held to the pedals by Jude.

"Fatter Mommy fatter!" Farley's blond curls bounced within her hair ribbon as Jude grinned in motherly pride at the sometimes comical vocabulary our daughter was picking up.

The sight of my daughter unknowingly pulled my body like a magnet towards the television screen. My eyes remained glued the entire time, never once leaving Far's sweetness or Jude's soft chuckles. Pain like I never imagined I could feel stabbed into my gut. The tape continued to play in front of me, but my mind had wandered off. Like being transported into another realm or maybe that was my imagination; the fantasy of being able to step out of the life I was currently living, and stepping into a land where my heart knew no sorrow. As the tape continued to flash the precious moments of my angel's lives, I had to step away. The pain, the agony, all of it returned and I could not take it.

Five minutes passed as I searched the downstairs for Jude, the tape still played on; and as the sounds of laughter from another time continued to fill the air, and my search for Jude took on a pace of desperation. The sooner I found her, the quicker I could escape the beauty of my demise.

"Jude?" I asked in a hushed whisper. Wanting to find her, and yet not wanting to at the same time. "Jude?" I asked again.

I glanced around the room in every which direction but that of the television. Not surprisingly, Jude did not reply; lately, she kept silent even if a person was right in front of her.

Another five minutes passed before I heard sounds coming from upstairs. Taking in a breath, I made my way towards the front room stairs. Briefly at the bottom step, my legs stopped, and I wanted to flee the other way. Taking in another breath, I quickly gathered all the courage I could and slowly climbed the rest of the way up the stairs. The sounds of someone moving about one of the rooms guided me right to my wife.

I found Jude standing still in our daughter's room. She had her back turned to me, and my eyes widened in surprise to see how frail she looked. She had lost so much weight; her hair was limp and dead at the ends. Her shoulders slumped, and her head bent in concentration. Following the direction of where I thought she was looking, I spotted the bicycle. The same one that Farley was riding in the video downstairs.

"Jude?" I asked. Surprising us both by how hoarse and ruff my voice came out.

Jude jumped in surprise before turning to face me. She held my gaze as her lips moved, yet no words came out.

"Wh-what are you doing up here?"

"I…" She licked her lips before continuing. "I'm just looking at things."

"And the videos?" I couldn't help but ask. I don't know why, but I felt angry that she had been watching those movies all day. She continued to do things that only brought her pain. "Why were you watching them?"

"To remember." She spoke on a whisper. Her head lowered once again, I followed the direction of her eyes as they once again landed on the bicycle.

"Why Jude?"

"I needed to see her."

"You can't keep doing this to yourself."

Her head snapped up and her eyes were hard. "Doing what to myself?"

"Living in the past!"

"Is that so bad?"

A laugh of humorless notes passed through my lips. "Is that so bad?" I asked. "Yes it is! You can't live there Jude, you need to stop doing this every day!"

"So I can't watch videos of my daughter?" Jude huffed. I could tell by the way her shoulders straightened back she was prepared to fight; this is something we did all the time. "I can't look at how happy she was, and how much love we shared in those tapes?"

Growing angry with the situation, and my lack of skills in expressing myself correctly, I dug the hole even further. "It's not like that Jude! You've become obsessed with everything of the past! You never even act like you're in the present!"

"That's not true!" She yelled at me. The walls echoed her words, and I should have felt the sting. I didn't. The pain I had felt in watching Jude slip away was too much. So I stared on as she slipped even farther. "You won't let me grieve the way I want to! If it isn't Tommy's way, it's not the right way!"

"Jude." I began. "It's not like that at all. I don't think the way you are going about things is healthy."

She scoffed in annoyance; and her arms as frail and bony as they were, wrapped around her middle. "Healthy? Nice to see that you are the all knowing when it comes to how I should mourn."

"Jude."

Jude shook her head, and this time I did keep quiet. "I would like you to leave now." She spat out.

"Not unless you come with me."

"I would like you to leave now." Jude spoke each word slowly. "I don't need or want your advice in here. So get the hell out." With that Jude turned back around and once again her eyes and mind wandered back to the bicycle.

I stared at her in complete shock. How could she dismiss me like that? As if she never needed me. I was getting so sick of that feeling I carried with me. I was tired of walking on eggshells to protect Jude; especially when she didn't give a damn about me and what I needed.

Backing out of the room, I turned to leave when I heard Jude whisper something. Thinking she was talking to me, I stepped back into the room. The hope I felt in that moment was great, for the first time in a long time, I thought Jude may be willing to talk. That hope soon fell away when I heard what she was saying.

"Just put your foot on the pedal and Mommy will help you."

What was that? I asked myself. Was she talking to me? No, she couldn't be. I didn't want to believe she was talking to Farley, but deep down I knew she was. This had gone too far. I could not take it anymore. Before I could stop myself, before I could think about my actions; I reacted on my emotions and not the rational. My heart and mind exploded in devastating anger.

"You are not allowed to fall apart on me!" I yelled from the doorway. Jude flinched as her tearful eyes locked with mine. "I need you God-dammit! You can't do this to me anymore Jude! I can't take it. I can't keep walking around here all the fucking time holding us together."

My hands visibly shook as fury and grief rocked my body back and forth. Tears stung my eyes as I stared into my wife's, watching as she silently cried from across the room. That damn bike sitting at her feet. God I wished so badly at the time to throw that pink bike out the window. To forget it ever existed. To forget the way my daughter looked when she first got it. How her eyes lit up; and how much she looked like her beautiful mother.

"We are supposed to do this together! Remember the vows we took? We promised to help one another through the good and the bad. You were fine through the good but now you aren't even Jude anymore!"

Jude's mouth opened and closed several times before she finally spoke, "Th-that's not fair T-Tom."

Laughing in mock humor my body continued to shake as I closed my eyes against the harsh tears begging to be set free. "It's not fair? You want to know what's not fair. The fact that you get to fall apart and I have to remain the rock. I have to stay strong otherwise everything falls to shit"

"What do you want from me?" Jude's voice grew stronger with each word she spoke. "Do you want me to prance around here smiling all the time? Bake you cookies? Have dinner ready whenever you get home?" Stepping closer to me her eyes, bloodshot and wild, pinned me with something close to hatred. "Pretend my daughter didn't just die!?"

Recoiling back I stared open mouthed at her as she paused for breath before letting into me again. "Is that what you want? You want me to go back to our bedroom and sleep with you every night like it used to be? Do you want me to fall asleep in your arms whispering sweet nothings in your ear forgetting that when we wake up our daughter will still be dead?

I guess you want me to go back to work too, right? Go back to writing all those love songs and singing as if I haven't a care in the world. Pretend like I didn't just have my heart and soul ripped out of my body?" Stopping right in front of me, Jude raised a shaking hand and for a brief moment I thought she would slap me. Instead she held up one of Farley's hair ribbons.

"I don't know what you want from me. Whatever it is I can't be Tommy. I have nothing leftwhat is there to live for? I died that day." Her hand remained outstretched waiting for me to take the small satin ribbon from her frail hand.

Looking back and forth between her hand and her eyes I felt something inside me slip away. For weeks I had been building up a wall of false strength. I thought everything would fall into place if I remained whole. Jude would gradually come around again. I was waiting for that. Realization started to break through the thick clouds it had been hiding behind. Jude wasn't coming back and I was still left trying to find a way to grieve.

"What about me?" I asked on a hoarse whisper.

Jude's eyes looked into mine with confusion. "What?"

"What about me? Why can't you live for me?"

"I don't know how."

"Yes you do. You always have."

"Were you always this selfish?" Jude asked; her voice once again angry.

Reaching out I took the blue ribbon from her hand. Warmth seeped into my skin where the satin hair-tie sat. "I'm still living for you."

"Don't do this Tommy."

"All I want is to feel something other than this pain. I want just one minute. Just one minute where I can be normal again."

Jude shook her head, sending her un-kept hair over her bony shoulders. "You want me to make everything better Tom. You never were good about picking up the pieces. You always claimed to be but it was always me who was stuck gluing everything back together again."

"Jude I---" My words faded away as my hand closed around the tiny blue ribbon. Bringing the material up to my nose I inhaled the faint scent of baby shampoo.

At that moment I wanted to be able to close my eyes and open them again and have things back to how they used to be. To once again have Jude happy and healthy, to have my daughter sleeping in my arms. "This isn't fair. It wasn't supposed to be like this. What did we do to deserve this, huh? Who said it was fair that my life was to be taken away from me without asking me first?" The satin ribbon continued to burn my skin sending shivers of bitterness throughout my blood. "You have nothing, and apparently I don't either, right Jude? Our marriage means so much to you that you would rather sit in here all fucking day talking to a ghost and shut me out when I need you the most!"

Before Jude could respond I continued to yell at her. She would never know how bad she hurt me by saying I wasn't worth living for. She had been my life the moment I laid eyes on her. Even staring down at her she was still everything to me. I needed her to hold me and help me find a way to walk again without feeling as if I was going to fall with each passing step. "I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you right now Jude! I-I tried to do the right thing I gave you space, I let your family talk me into letting you stay in here all the time; hoping that it would somehow help you. I watch you every day. Everyday Jude! I've never been able to take my eyes off of you.

You hardly eat; you only talk when someone talks to you, which isn't very often because you would rather slip away from everyone than let one of us tell you how much we love you."

A tear slipped from her eyes, falling against the path many others had already traced. Every kind of emotion ate away at me as I watched in confusion the journey of her tear. Jude's eyes blinked a couple times before her hollowed gaze burned into mine. Licking her dry lips without noticing sent a shocking awareness through me I missed her. I missed being able to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her everything would be okay. Only problem is, I wanted all of that in return. Something Jude was no longer able to do.

"You're better off hating me."

"What?"

A few tears slid down Jude's cheeks as she replied. "You are better off hating me."

"Why?" I asked, even though I was terrified to hear her reply.

"I can't be who you want me to be Tommy. That person died, and you are better off hating the person I've become, than loving the one who isn't coming back."

"Don't say that Jude!"

She shook her head and once again her arms wrapped around herself. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Pissed off once again, I glared at the stranger in front of me. The hatred was easier to feel than I thought. "Save it." I spat at her. I turned around and stormed out of the room before I could see her face fall, and hear the sob that escaped her beautiful lips.

Storming into our bedroom, I hurried across the room and tore into the closet. Pulling out my duffle bag, I quickly tossed in a handful of clothes before moving towards the dresser.

"What are you doing?" Jude asked from the doorway. I spared her a brief glance before opening and closing drawers as soon as clothes were tossed inside the bag. "What are you doing?" She repeated.

"I'm done." I huffed before making my way into the bathroom. I hurriedly gathered all the necessary toiletries I could before shoving them into the bag as well. When I could not shove anything else into the duffle bag, I zipped it closed and walked back into the bedroom. Jude remained standing in the doorway. She stared at me in confusion and hurt.

"Done with what?"

"Everything Jude."

"Where are you going?" She asked. Her voice cracked, and hating her in that moment was too hard; yet I had to.

I ran my hands over my face and through my hair before answering. "I don't know, but anywhere has to be better than staying here."

"Don't do this Tommy!"

"I can't do this Jude." I walked towards the door where she stood, and as the tears slipped from both of our eyes, I only hoped that Jude would hate me too. If she could not love me, then I wanted her to hate me; at least something that would show she cared enough to have an emotion either way. But living in this house, with this Jude, I could not do it anymore. "I'm done." With that I pushed passed her and walked down the hall, the stairs, and out the door.

I tried to block out Jude's sobs as I made my way towards my car. Each cry that carried out the window was a punch in the gut. I didn't think my heart could break anymore than it already had; but walking away from my wife… shattered what remained.