AUTHOR'S QUICK NOTE: I'm not bashing or flaming anyone's stories. This is just for fun. Take as advice at your own risk.

How Not To Write Inu-Yasha Fanfiction

by Kagome Higurashi

Hello, one and all!

For the past few years, ever since Takahashi-sama began printing up the adventures of the Inu-tachi in manga form, I've noticed that a lot of people out there in the world want to write about us. There's nothing wrong with that, and I have to admit I've enjoyed reading it. When I get the time, anyway. I mean, it's not easy trying to save the Sengoku Jidai from Naraku one day and then getting through Examination Hell Week the next. It doesn't leave a lot of time. Good thing Grandpa has my girlfriends convinced that I carry every known infectious disease known to man, otherwise people would be asking questions. (Though they still ask questions. I'll never forgive Gramps for telling Euki that I had frostbite. In the summer. When it was 90 degrees out with 100 percent humidity. Yeah, that was a great idea! But I digress...)

However, I have noticed some trends I want to address. Now before you think that I'm being bitchy or overly critical, I'm not. No, really. Pay no attention to Inuyasha. It's just that, I think some of you have the wrong idea when it comes to writing up our adventures, and I just wanted to get a few things off my chest. (And it's a good thing Miroku's not here to read that sentence...)

Okay, here we go...

1) SESSHOUMARU IS A NICE GUY.

I don't know where this story got started, because it certainly wasn't with us, the Inu-tachi! (Why is it called the "Inu-tachi"? Why not the "Kagome-tachi"? Or the "Fellowship of the Jewel"? Er, anyway...) Maybe Rin somehow stays alive long enough for the internet, or Jaken does, or something, but anyway, Sesshoumaru is not a nice man, er, youkai.

I can't count all the times I've logged into fanfiction sites and seen stories where Sesshoumaru is portrayed as a big softie. Well, he isn't. This is the guy who has no problem with shredding anyone who gets in his way, letting his retainers die horrible deaths, commit genocide, and punching a hole through his own brother. Now Myoga hasn't exactly been forthcoming about details on Inuyasha and Sesshy's dad, but I'm sure that's not whatPapa Inuhad in mind. Just becauseSesshy wears makeup (and what's up with that?) and carries around a big fluffy...thing...doesn't mean that down deep he's a decent guy who wants nothing more than to raise Rin in a quiet family environment. Nope. I don't know where you come from, but where I come from (Higurashi Shrine, Tokyo, Japan), you don't eviscerate your enemies before some little five year old girl. That tends to cause problems. Maybe Rin thinks he's a father figure, but Rin falls on her head a lot, too.

Truth or dare contests? Forget it. Sesshoumaru would demand truth, and if he didn't get it, he'd draw Tokujin and run you through. Sleepovers? Yeah, right! His first question would be "Why?" and his second question would be "How would you like to die for bothering me with such trivial matters?" Sure, Sesshoumaru has helped us out on occasion–I'll always be grateful to him for saving us when Inuyasha went nuts–but he did that because he wanted to, not because he likes my dress or thinks Sango is hot or whatever.

Which brings me to my next point. Sesshy doesn't like anybody, except Jaken and Rin, and that court is still in session, if you know what I mean. He certainly isn't going to hook up with you, girls. Sure, I agree that he's cut and kinda hot (though not as hot as his half-brot...um...well...), but look at the one woman–and I mean woman, not kid–who got close to him. Kagura. She's a frickin' spawn of Naraku and a wind demon. DEMON! That's right, not as in "happy friendly demon" like Shippo, or "brooding, annoying half-demon who can't make up his mind" like Inuyasha, but mean, evil, I-want-power-and-I-like-killing-people demon. EVIL! E-V-I-L!

Look, I'm the eternal optimist, which is why I haven't turned a fire hose on Kikyo and stuffed the Shikon jewels up a certain hanyou's rear end. Maybe someday Sesshoumaru, like the Grinch, will find his heart and become a decent guy. I'm not holding my breath, though, and neither should you. In the meantime, admire him from afar if you like–very afar–but don't think you're going to get to first base with him, unless by first base you mean being made wide, flat, and very dead.

Oh, and don't call him Fluffy. He hates that.

2) IMPRACTICAL PAIRINGS.

Okay, I know...it's your story. Artistic license, literary license, and dammit, there's a First Amendment or something like it both in the States and Japan, so I can do what I want. Sure, go right ahead. I mean, I can't stop you, and I wouldn't want to. But I mean, come on!

I lo...I lov...I...I likeInuyashaawholelot. Even if he is the most rude, annoying, egotistical, jerky, mean, disrespecting, basic hanyou asshole I've ever met. (And I've met more than one hanyou.) I mean, I don't know if I want to have babies with him or something...that kind of turns my stomach a little...but I, oh hell, I do love him. I think I admitted that around episode 67 or something. I can't remember. But he's the jam in my jelly roll, if you get my drift. Mmm, yeah...er...yeah.

But as annoying, rude, disrespecting, etc. that Inuyasha is, I damn sure won't be trading him in for his half-brother! Reasons? Look above! Sesshoumaru's a psychotic nutcase! Yeah, that's what I want in a boyfriend! You people are weird.

And Miroku? I love Miroku like a brother and he makes me laugh a lot, but otherwise, well, Sango's welcome to the two-timing, butt-grabbing "monk."

Sango? Just because we bathe together doesn't mean anything. You Americans and your funny ideas!

Kouga? Hey, Kouga and I are just friends. Sure, he's nicer in his own way than Inuyasha, and I consistently keep the two over-testosteroned idiots from killing each other because we need Kouga's help. But I couldn't deal with Kouga's incessant posturing, which is worse than Inuyasha's (if that's possible), and the guy probably sleeps in furs. And he has fleas. Inuyasha at least respects the value of a bed and regular showers. Besides, Ayame is a redhead, and you know how they are. Kikyo may be an undead miko who's a damn good shot, but Kikyo never threatened to run me down, kill me with grass, and then barbecue me for the night's feast. Yeah, Ayame said that. They censored it out.

Naraku? Yeah, okay. Like I'm going to play tongue hockey with the guy who's been trying to wipe us out and gain absolute power over the Sengoku Jidai. Again, he's evil. With a capital E.

Kikyo? Now you're just being gross.

I like Inuyasha. Sango likes Miroku. Miroku likes Sango. (And every other woman with a pulse, but he's been getting better about that.) Inuyasha likes me. And that damn undead freak Kikyo who really needs to stay dead and not come back and screw with Inuyasha's head and confuse the poor dumb jerk I mean what's she got that I don't I mean she's made out of frigging clay and we don't even know if Urasue made her anatomically correct and that's just too ewwwww to think about and...um...right. Anyway, that's how it was meant to be, okay?

At least, I sure hope so.

3) HIGH SCHOOL STORIES.

I admit, I've fantasized what it would be like to go to school every day with my friends. I would love to have a girlfriend like Sango, who, unlike my current girlfriends, isn't obsessed with why I'm not dating Hojo. Miroku probably would be like that Great Teacher Onizuka or Largo or whatever his name was, but aside from his amorous advances, I'd like to have him around too. He'd really go for the short dresses, the perv. Inuyasha has been to school, and he seemed to actually fit in around here, weirdly enough. And he'd look sooo hot in one of those black school uniforms. You know he would, girls.

Again, I digress. (My teachers tell me I'm a little scatterbrained. Yeah, well, you try and divide your time between hunting for umpteen jewel fragments and fighting demons, and geometry and home ec, and see how well you do. Jerks.) I don't mind reading about what life would be like if the biggest challenge the Inu-tachi had was facing Exam Hell. Probably Naraku's easier, actually. But still, sure, I would like peace and quiet like that.

It's just that, damn people! Whenever you write high school stories, you never have it where it's just slice-of-life stuff. You never write about how Inuyasha and I would just hang out at Wacdnald's (damn copyrights!), or Sango and Miroku would go to the movies or something. It's always about how I have this horribly abusive boyfriend who treats me like dirt, and Inuyasha comes to rescue me, or Sango gets thrown out of her house because she's all goth and finds this weirdo roadie named Miroku. How about some happy stories? Here's where Truth or Dare might actually be fun, rather than playing Truth or Die with Sesshoumaru.

I'm miserable enough as it is. You've seen the series. You know that it's not all fun and games being hunted and hunting an arch-demon, never mind being rivals with some undead bitch who has a bigger bust than me...and...dammit, there I go again. Just write some cheerful stories, neh?

4) GOTH KAGOME.

All right, I know the fashion is the Gothic Lolita thing. But I'm not a goth! Where did you get that impression? I wear white and green sailor fuku all the time! That's not exactly goth wear. I've never even been to a rave or anything, unless you count watching Inuyasha go raving berserk. And don't goths listen to like death metal and stuff? I don't. I like classical. Where in the series have you ever seen/heard/felt (what?) me listen to that?

Finally, I'm not a lolita. You know what a lolita is? Look up "Nabokov" on the internet. I had to study this dead Russian guy, and so should you. A lolita is some little girl who's in love with some older guy. Like Asuka Langely Soryu and that Kaji guy from Evangelion. (Rin is like six years old, so she needs about another eight years to qualify, you sick people.) Now I'm not a little girl–I'm almost eighteen. And Inuyasha is not an older guy. He's like twenty...well, he would be if he wasn't a hanyou and Kikyo hadn't pinned him to the tree for 50 years and...

Ah, crap. Maybe I am a lolita. But I'm no goth!

As for the other girls, they're not goths either. Sango only wears black when she's killing demons. Her idea of speed metal is how fast she can draw her sword and put it to Miroku's throat when he grabs her butt. But Sango really is a pretty cheerful person--most of the time. Poor girl. Anyway, she's not a goth. Ayame's not a goth either. (Do goths groom themselves and scratch fleas?)

Kikyo could be a goth. Oh yeah. She'd fit in real well. And I mean that.

5) INUYASHA AND MY KIDS.

Uh...let's not even talk about that, okay? I kinda like the thought of...you know...maybe...with Inuyasha. But...um...giving birth to his pups? I just don't know about that. It's one of those things I try not to think about too much, like how I'm not causing a massive time paradox by bringing potato chips and pocky back to the Sengoku Jidai.

Sango should have never promised to have Miroku's kids. That's going to be one seriously messed up family.

6) OTHER PEOPLE THROUGH THE WELL.

I admit we've never tried to bring the rest of our happy band through the well. I've been kind of afraid to, actually. Shippo would either love Tokyo or he'd spend his time burrowing under my bed. Sango might just attack the first car she sees (Sango's a demon hunter and all, but she spooks kinda easy). And Miroku would probably hit on my mom. Maybe someday we might try it–we could use a vacation–and I do get ideas from your stories.

All I ask that we put a limit on it. As many people as go through my family's well and end up in Kaede's village in stories I've read, we could put a toll on it and pay my way, and Souta's, through college. It's like Akihibara Station (or Grand Central Station for you Americans)! Not everybody can just hop in and go, you know. Give me some credit for being unique.

And by the way, that goes double for bringing modern equipment through the well too. Granted, me bringing my bike and a sleeping bag through probably means I'm going to muck up the timeline and cause Hitler to win World War II or something, but I am somewhat careful. I pack out my garbage. And I've yet to find a eighteen bazillion kilometer extension cord to power coffeemakers or TVs with, so don't write that! Besides, TV freaks Inuyasha out as it is, and I am not introducing Miroku to the internet.

7) SELF INSERTION CHARACTERS.

I always have a bit of a problem with this. Not because I don't want any help in hunting down Naraku and the Shikon shards. Unlike some people with white hair and doggy ears, I don't mind ganging up on the bad guy. The more the merrier! (Though I should warn you that Sesshoumaru once mentioned the need for "cannon fodder," so be aware that not everyone is as nice and forgiving as me!)

Still, it's like we meet a new hanyou every day in these stories. They're not that common, otherwise Inuyasha would have to put up with a lot less crap. And half of them are like cat hanyou! Wolves are okay, but cats! I own a cat, you know. Getting Buyo to do anything is like pulling teeth. And for all the times you see Kirara kicking butt, you don't see the times that she's too busy sunning herself to help us. Takahashi-sama tends to be kind of picky. And also remember that most cat demons we've met have tried to kill us. Showing up and saying, "Konnichi wa, I'm Neko-san, and I'm a cat hanyou!" is pretty much the quickest way for Inuyasha to draw Tetsusaiga and start chopping away. Don't even ask what Sesshoumaru does. I'm pretty sure that Rin's latest outfit is made from cat fur. Anyway, again, I don't mind the help, and hanyou are hanyou, but we don't need every hanyou in Japan showing up. Remember that we sometimes need to be stealthy, and I can't lead an army! (What, you think Inuyasha is our leader? He couldn't lead himself to the bathroom without help.)

Finally, what can really annoy me at times is when you come through the well to "hang out" in the Sengoku Jidai. It's not a fun place to hang out in! There's no running water, no TV, no internet, and no Xbox, among other things. There are lots of things like malaria, mosquitoes (no repellent), famine, dirt, open sewers, youkai who try to kill you, samurai who try to kill you, ronin who try to kill you, random strange people who try to kill you (sense a trend?). I always make the excuse of having a test so as to go back home, but a lot of the time it's just because I want to have clean sheets and a nice bath. Hot springs are nice, but sometimes you have to chase lizards or spiders out of there, and that's one thing I don't worry about back home. Trust me. Medieval life is nasty and short, as one old dead guy once said.

8) I SUCK AT SUMMARIES.

Well, why would I want to read your story, then? C'mon, you don't suck at summaries! You're good at it and just don't know it yet. I mean, did I figure out how to fire arrows right off the bat? Nope, it took practice! I mean, I accidentally shot Inuyasha in the butt once...hee hee.

That's about it. I love reading your stories, but that's just a little advice from webmistress Kagome. (I like how that sounds. "Mistress." Bow before me, Inuyasha!) I'd love to chat more, but I do have a geometry test to study for, and then I have to get going back to the well (another five days without toilet paper...sigh). You know how testy Inuyasha gets when I'm gone for longer than five...

Oh, hi, Inuyasha. What am I doing? Typing something on the computer. For our fans. No, not what Kagura uses. For people that like us. See? I'm writing what we're saying so the readers can follow along. Say hello, Inuyasha.

No, not on the keyboard! This is MY keyboard, MY KEYBIOARkl;jiiPSET&#& BN($OYQRQ)&FUWEG RB IURHBWJEFASIMOFUAS&FJMIF N FS: SDF.a;odp0

SIT BOY!

Stupid hanyou.