Why Season Five Is Like A Bad Fanfic

Rated R (M) for RAMPANT profanity (and otherwise offensive language) and sexual references. Seriously though. For mature readers only.

Warning: There are possible spoilers in this fic, particularly about the last three episodes. I honestly don't even know what's been aired in the U.S. so hey, read at your own risk.

Disclaimer: This story makes me sound like much more of an asshole than I actually am. I really don't mean to hate, not on Degrassi or on fanfiction. But seriously, Season Five got pretty ridiculous. And what fun is being obsessed with a show if you can't make fun of it? Don't be fooled; even at its weakest, lamest moments, I still adore every retarded second of this show. Rock on Degrassi, and rock on lame fanfiction.

Also, this is pretty badly written, but don't let that fool you either. I have written a decent fic or two as well.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

It was a gorgeous Canadian summer day in Degrassiland as the camera panned across Manny's amazing breasts, while she and her best friend sunbathed at the pool. Emma stood up and shook her nonexistent ass. "Oh my god I'm so horny. I'm so glad I gave up maturity and environmental causes to be vain and completely OBSESSED with boys and clothes. Because really, they're just aren't enough shallow, overly self-conscious pathetic anti-feminist nitwit skanks on this show, are there? What a convenient and inconsistent character transformation! OmG! Emma rules!'

It was then that Manny remembered she was hotter than Emma and therefore entitled to be the only one to speak. "Hey, God hasn't shit all over my life in awhile. Let's show how little my character has learned. Oh my god, I'm so ugly, no one loves me, I wanna bone Craig…. I need to become an actress, even though I have never shown any interest in that ever before, that way I can validate my pathetic person hood. And give the audience some nice eye candy shots of my FANTASTIC breasts."

"Shhh, Manny, I'm Emma and I'm self absorbed, my turn to talk now. Oh hey, look that blonde, All-American (or Canadian, whatever), way-to-keep-it-real-for-the-white-middle-class-suburbia-trapped-fourteen-year-old-cuntface viewer demographic boy over there! He's cute and white and unoriginal, I think I'm in love."

Emma shimmied her imaginary breasts at the Cute Boy and performed like a dancing monkey to get his attention, forgetting all sense of self-worth and empowering characteristics like intelligence, creativity, and self-respect and thinking the only way to be happy is to have an empty-headed cliché hunk to walk you to the cafeteria oh em gee. Hello feminisim, Emma?

And wow, the next day, who would have guessed it, Mysterious Hunky New Boy showed up at Degrassi! And he just happened to be Miss Hatzilakos' son! Fourteen year olds everywhere swooned, and Emma creamed her designer panties.

"Hey guys from the pool, looks like we're fellow students!" said the new guy in a really smarmy voice. He flashed a smile reminiscent of Clearisil commercial, oozing a message to the viewers that said, hey, I'm hip I'm young I get you! BUY THE PRODUCT.

"Yeah, what a deliciously corny and cheesy hunk line! I love you Peter!" said Emma.

But Peter wasn't interested in Emma, go figure. Instead he was checking Manny's foine azz. Yeah, with Zs. Coz she's that hot.

Meanwhile, Craig was being a whiney bitch as always in the computer lab, while Ellie made lame attempts to flirt with him because she's a dumb cunt. And a cutter. Haha. Cutter. Marco made an adorable token-gay-guy comment and KT giggled.

"Oh em gee," Ellie carelessly whispered to her pal Marco, who had become so stunningly flaming since the days that he unknowingly destroyed Ellie's ability to maintain healthy relationships with males that it would be ridiculous for anyone not to see the flashing Gay neon light over his head. "Look at this really corny looking E-mail! Why do all the computer screens in Degrassi show ridiculously unrealistic images that look like websites from like 1995? What's with that? Isn't this show set in present day?"

The e-mail revealed that Ashley was never returning to Degrassi because, dun dun dun, she found a Cute Boy in England and no one ever saw THAT one coming. It was bound to happen, of course, because what better way to write out a major character who was the founding cornerstone of a vast multitude of ongoing plotlines, than with some dumb cliché summer romance ploy that practically every retarded Crashfic last summer used?

"Yippee!" Marco squealed girlishly as he read the email, filing his nails and touching up his body glitter. "Now Crash fans everywhere can go cry in a dark corner and cut themselves and listen to poorly-crafted Bright Eyes/Fall Out Boy/Death Cab mix CDs! How dee-lish."

"Stupid fag," Ellie mumbled under her breath, snapping furiously at her rubber band. "You know, I guess I could dwell on the fact that my best friend is never coming back and didn't even bother to tell me until now with a stupid, impersonal email. But instead I'm going to sigh heavily and be consumed with MY BURNING LOVE FOR CRAIG. Romance plotlines are soooooo much more interesting than ones about friendship and the intriguing cognitive dissonance one begins to feel as they realize their childhood friends won't be around forever. No, fuck that, let's just focus on juicy new pairings."

Meanwhile, as the days of the new school year rolled on, everyone hated Spinner because… I don't know, he shot someone? Something lame like that. The last person concerned with Spinner's social outcastdom, of course, was Manny. Rather than take a single second to reconsider the relationship she had made SUCH A FUCKING BIG DEAL to get involved in last year and then ended THE NEXT FUCKING EPISODE with NO explanation, she was deeply involved in a montage of whiney-girl music and self-loathing. It is very plausible, of course, that someone as obscenely gorgeous as Manny could all of the sudden be considered ugly and plain and want plastic surgery.

In the midst of Emma's failed attempts to slut-smile Peter into loving her and Manny's failed attempts to do whatever the fuck this fucktarded episode is about, our charming New Boy makes a film of Manny's hot-ass titties that the audience unfortunately doesn't get to see.

"Manny Santos, my how you've grown," Jimmy cooed over the video once it was leaked to the entire school, cementing what was possibly his greatest line ever.

The resolution to this plotline was obviously so boring and lame I don't remember it, but I'm sure it involves Manny's life sucking as always and Ellie slicing away her petty problems into her ARM.

The following month, tensions ran high as the seniors prepared for college and the Degrassi writers prepared for the exit of most of the cast, by bombarding us with even more fucktarded new characters.

On one ominous evening, Paige was finally reunited with her older boyfriend as KT won six thousand scene points for correctly pinpointing Matt Oleander as a pothead long before he ever gave Paige a joint. The following day, Degrassi finally grows some balls and gets high.

"Thank fucking god," Alex exclaimed as she lit the joint and officially earned the long-time-coming title of coolest character of all time. "At least this season has one episode that doesn't suck to high heaven. And thank god this isn't as grossly inaccurate as the ecstasy episode."

It was not long after this memorable day that JT and Liberty, the most unappreciated but most unretarded couple of Degrassi, were taking a drive through the streets of Toronto.

"FYI, I'm pregnant," Liberty mentioned casually.

JT nodded. "Yeah? You don't say. That's a pretty huge, life-changing, FUCKING CRAZY plot twist."

Liberty shrugged. "I know, right? But I mean, we better just keep it low key. There's no reason for our silly little PREGNANCY to take screen time away from lame-ass plots about Craig being moody and playing the guitar, or Emma being whiney and pathetic. I mean GOLLY, can we ever get enough episodes about THAT?"

"Good thinking, honey muffin. And it's not like the writers should aim for consistency or anything by adding to the Manny/Liberty friendship that was so prevalent last season by, I don't know, having you and Manny talk about your similar situations together or ever be in another episode together again, eh? Let's go get waffles instead."

And it was a good thing the couple decided to give the spotlight to Craig, for it was not long after that that Craig found himself whining over which girl he wanted to bone more, Manny or Ellie. After a series of zaney antics he embraced his asshole-dom once and for all by blatantly choosing Hot Sex over an understanding companion. He swept the mother of his aborted fetus off her feet in the last thirty seconds of the episode, with no explanation whatsoever. Good thing the writers never seem to back up their plot developments with any logic at all, or we might have had a decently entertaining episode that utilized past plotlines to explore the bizarre but endearing dynamics of Craig and Manny's long-evolving relationship.

Nope, the airtime they saved by cutting out that crucial story development was used for a much higher purpose: making an ass out of Joey. THAT is what Degrassi's about, folks, so you best recognize.

Wasting no time at all (as in ONE EPISODE LATER), Ellie conveniently forgot her big fat disgusting crush on Craig and started macking on Wheelchair Jimmy, who interestingly enough macked on her back before he had a wheelchair.

"What are you drawing there, Jimmy?" Ellie asked.

"Oh, this," Jimmy said pensively, revealing his angsty comic book drawings to the horny cutter. "Well you see, the bullet to my spinal cord triggered a magical transformation in my brain and now I'm a really talented artist."

"Oh sweet. That's hot. Let's make a mural."

"Okay."

This newly-bubbling pairing produced essentially out of thin air as well as fanfic writers' wet dreams scurried out to the commons area and started painting, at which point Jimmy finally realized after nearly three years of dating that Hazel is in fact mentally challenged.

"Hey, can I help with the mural?" asked Toby, pathetically jumping up and down in front of the camera.

"What the hell?" said Ellie. "You still go to this school? I thought Rick shot you or some shit…"

"Umm…."

"Look, if you're looking for a plotline, why don't you go hang out with Chester."

"Who the hell is CHESTER?"

Seriously though. What the hell was the point of Chester in the first place? I guess he transferred to Terry's school.

As the mural was completed and Jimmy's artistic talent realized, he gradually began to stop being angsty and start being angry again, anger which was fully articulated by bringing wrathful pain upon Spinner…. Dunking booth-style.

"Gee thanks for sitting there like a boob for several hours while people threw shit at you, Spinner," Nigel said as he counted up the money he was probably going to use for male hookers instead of his church. "You REALLY helped raise money for Christ. And we all know how much Christ loves money."

Spinner shrugged. "Yeah, well, no one else will hang out with me so… yeah, I'm down with Jesus."

Nigel nodded and took a moment to bask in his own conceit. "Oh, by the way, I'm a thoughtless and intolerant bigot, I was wondering if you'd help me protest Marco's existence."

Spinner thought really hard, but then saw something shiny lying in the street and forgot where he was. "What? Oh yeah. Sure. Whatever. As long as we do it now, though, I have the attention span of a flea."

Nigel and Spinner then led an angry riot of Christian teens to protest whatever flaming gay rally Marco was holding.

"Spinner, what are you doing?" Marco cried incredulously. "Are you even listening to a word of the bull shit propaganda this asswipe is telling you? Didn't he like, completely fucking offend you at your campout a few episodes ago?"

Spinner lowered his pitchfork and torch and bit his lip. "Umm… look, don't blame ME. We all know I'm dumber than mud." He pointed helplessly towards Darcy. "All I did was follow the pretty girl to the meetings, I mean damn… cut a brother a break."

Marco forgot his anger for a moment. "Wow. Seriously? For a second there I really did think they were exploring an edgy new twist on your character, in which you actually found some meaning in your life. But you really are just an idiot blindly following anyone who will accept you? Yeah. Okay. I guess that makes more sense. I'm gonna go tell my dad I'm gay now, as if it wasn't PAINFULLY FUCKING OBVIOUS."

Meanwhile, oblivious to the turbulent social happenings of Degrassi, Paige and Alex started rubbing up on each other hot bisexual style at Kevin Smith's party, and for some reason a really big deal had to be made of this even though girls make out all the fucking time. Then KT decided to shut her fucking mouth and stop being so difficult, since she had after all been bitching for years that bisexuality was a unique and essential issue that Degrassi was a fool for not exploring.

Then Emma metamorphosized into the complete antithesis of her original character and starved herself. Whoop-dee doo.

With the stress of finals and the excitement of graduation looming, it was only logical that Marco and Tim should get together. And then they broke up. And then Marco and Dylan got back together. Then Spinner and Darcy broke up. Then Alex and Paige broke up. Then Spinner and Paige hooked up. Then Spinner and Darcy got back together again. Then Spinner and Paige hooked up again. Then Spinner and Darcy broke up again. Then Jimmy and Ellie didn't get together. Then Jimmy and Ashley got back together. Then Jimmy and Spinner got back together. Then Peter and Manny got back together. Then Toby and Kendra got back together. Then Mr. O and Paige got back together. Then Toby and Kendra broke up again. Then Spinner and Marco got together. Then Liberty and Kevin Smith got together. Then Heather Sinclair and Chester broke up. Then Toby and a cup of jello got together. Then the Muslim girl from that one episode and Invisible Nate got together. Then everybody just joined in together in a big fucking orgy because no one fucking knew who was into who any more. And the dish ran away with the spoon.

"It's now time for the moment we've all been waiting for, the sending off of our graduating class," Miss Hatzilakos announced from the podium on the graduation stage. "Which, rather conveniently, does not include several main characters so that next year we won't lose half the fucking cast. In celebration of the class of 2006's big moment, I would like to touch on some of the highlights of this school year and point out just why Season Five is a like a bad fanfic…

"For starters, our season opener simultaneously had no fucking point or significant plot developments, wrote out Ashley Kerwin with the lamest excuse ever, and kickstarted the Craig/Ellie romance fanfic writers loved and Aubrey totally believed wouldn't happen but that KT totally called (HA!). We somehow managed to also incorporate Jimmy/Ellie and Paige/Alex, for Christ sakes, as well as the slightest hints of Paige/Spinner for no fucking reason, allowing fucktarded fanfiction writers to cream themselves with the joy of their absurd pairings finally coming true. As always, Craig's ego and dreamboaty-ness consumed a completely improportionate section of the plot. Emma was completely out of character, Liberty got pregnant, JT sold drugs, Toby doesn't exist, and more people hooked up and broke up in the last three episodes than in the whole fucking series combined. And of course, the last but not least reason why this season was more like bad fanfiction than any other, the introduction of the MARY SUEY-EST CHARACTER OF ALL TIME, who is conveniently my son that no one ever knew about, Peter. Thanks for nothing, Degrassi. Happy fucking graduation. At least Miss Hot Sauce finally got some play. And at least Manny still kicks ass. See you next year."

And they all lived happily fucking ever until next season.