Disclaimer: Don't own, but I'm thinking of buying some nudie pictures on EBay.

A/N: I think I've succeeded in writing one of the most awkward sex scenes ever. Oh happy day! Also, thank you to TertGen, for his/her suggestions. Also, Master Aneliath, I might be adding something from your story in the future.

One important thing! I say this nearly every time, but I can't stress it enough. This is a joke! This is not meant to offend in any way. If you can't take a joke, please leave. I am fully aware that there are many fantastic Troy/Ryan writers, and I am not trying to personally attack anyone. Thank you.

TillThatTime

Oh, The Glorious Smut!

As Ryan slowly began to peel away his last articles of clothing, Troy found himself enraptured by the sight before him. As each new patch of pale skin was revealed, Troy was mesmerized by the sweat that had already begun to glisten on Ryan's flawless, alabaster skin. His eyes followed as a single drop made its way down Ryan slim neck, past the expanse of his chest and shaking abdominal muscles, before comes to rest on a nest of….(and the author has decided to stop that train of thought there because she doesn't want her ass kicked off this sight for corrupting the youth.)

"Oh God, Ryan, I have never seen anything more beautiful in all my life, you're gorgeous, baby." Troy whispered his appraisal of Ryan's body.

"…Awkward…"

"What?" Troy looked at Ryan, confused.

"Dude, seriously, I'm a guy. See, penis." Ryan pointed downwards to emphasis his point. "Don't say shit like that to me, it creeps me out."

"You sure know how to ruin a moment don't you, asshole?" Troy glared a Ryan, before glancing over his body once more. "Eh, I've seen better."

"What did you say you little-"

"You started it, butt-wipe!" Troy shouted childishly, cutting Ryan off.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure as hell gonna finish it!" Ryan seethed, preparing to launch himself at the other boy.

"Wait! Wait! This is not how this is supposed to go." Troy held up his hands in defense, successfully halting the other boy, before rummaging around the room until he finally found what he had been looking for; an all-to-familiar looking book.

"I swear to God I thought I left that in the car during the page break." Ryan mumbled in disbelief, while Troy thumbed through Cliché For Dummies.

"Ah, here it is! Section 2, page 8: During the act of sexual intercourse, the person who is doing the topping must, repeat, must shower the bottom-er with praises such as 'You're so beautiful!', 'She was nothing compared to you!' and 'How did I ever live this long with out you?-"

"It's called porn."

"Shut up, Ryan!" Troy sneered, fighting off the urge to throw the book at the snickering boy. "As I was saying:…and other such phrases to truly make your bitch feel like a precious diamond. In turn, your partner should swoon with love and beg for you to make love to them." Troy finished with a smug smirk.

"God help me….Can't we just say we fucked and move on to the next chapter?" Ryan pleaded, not wishing to subject himself to the inevitable. God, that book was one step away from castrating him and forcing him to grow a vagina.

"Fuck? I believe you mean 'make love'." Troy corrected.

Ryan snorted at that. "No, I'm pretty sure I meant 'fuck'."

"Ryan quit being difficult! Here, let me try this again. Oh, Ryan, you are so beautiful."

The other boy wretched.

"Dammit, Ryan!"

"Fine….swoon…oh please, make love to me…yada yada, ectera, ectera." Ryan said dismissively.

Taking this as a good enough reply Troy began to advance on the other boy when all of the sudden his phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket with an annoyed sigh before holding it up to his ear.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, baby, it's me." Came the sugary voice on the other end.

"Whoa, Gabriella, this is not a good time. Besides, why the hell are you calling me, we broke up like eight months ago?"

"You're with him aren't you!?" Gabriella suddenly screamed out angrily over the phone.

"Huh?"

"I knew it! I knew you were cheating on me with him, but don't worry, Troy! I'll ruin you! I'll make you pay hell for what you've done to me, you and your little homo." Gabriella cackled on the other end.

"Tch, whatever, Ghetto Bitch of the West, what's up with you all of the sudden? Shouldn't you be off giving to charity or something?" Troy asked, watching as Ryan began to pick at his fingernails.

Gabriella's voice suddenly lowered to a whisper. "I know, I'm sorry, but these people cornered me on my way home from the store. They said something about being fan fiction authors and they demanded that I call you and try to break you and Ryan up. They held me at knife point and kept saying things like, 'if you don't thicken the plot, we're gonna prison shank you, hoe.' What else was I supposed to do?" Gabriella finished with a hint of desperation.

"Not my problem." And with that Troy hung up the phone, turning his attention back to the boy who was sitting naked on his bed and inspecting his fingernails. "Where were we know?"

"Sex, idiot."

"Oh, right." Troy began to walk towards Ryan, where he was met halfway by the other boy. Ryan ran his fingers lightly over Troy's bare torso-

"Wait, didn't you have clothes on a second ago?" Ryan questioned, thoroughly confused and slightly freak out.

"Shhh." Troy silence him, by sealing his lips over Ryan's. He gently lowered the other boy to the bed, his lips meshing with his lover's as their tongues dueled for dominance. Troy parted his lips from Ryan's with an audible wet 'plop', and began to trail kisses along a smooth jaw line, his tongue peeking between his lips to taste the salty and slick flesh right below Ryan's ear. He heard Ryan's mewl of pleasure and he smirked against the skin, as his hands began to roam over the boy that lay withering beneath him. He skimmed the back of his fingers along slim hips, before he allowed the tip of his fingers to make their way up Ryan's torso. Ryan's breathing quickened as Troy's hands moved at an agonizingly slow pace, before they finally reached their destination, to tauntingly circle around one-

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Would you quit with all the detail? You are giving them way too much credit."

"Right."

Troy and Ryan kissed passionately for a long while. Their hands roaming over everywhere on each other's bodies before Troy settled himself between Ryan's legs. He looked down at Ryan lovingly and said "Are you ready?" and not waiting for Ryan's answer he pushed in.

"Ah! Oh my gawd, Take it out! Take it out!" Ryan screamed, trying to push Troy off of him.

"Wha? Isn't this how this works?" Troy inquired, attempting to move.

"Make one move, Bolton, one move that isn't you getting this thing out of me, and I swear to God and all that is holy, I will break it in half." Ryan said menacingly. That worked. Troy pulled out immediately.

"What-"

"What the hell were you thinking!? You didn't use any lube! You didn't even prepare me first!"

"Huh?"

"You didn't stretch me. You didn't even attempt to find my sweet spot to make sure I was enjoying it and relaxed!" Ryan shrieked indignantly.

"Sweet spot?"

"My prostate, dickhead!"

"Er…"

"Oh, God, it's like I'm talking to a six year old." Ryan stated, smacking his hand to his forehead.

"Or a pre-pubescent girl who has no true sense of what she's writing about and shouldn't even be reading sex scenes, let alone writing them in the first place." Troy offered. "Give me a break, I know nothing about the details, only the basic mechanics."

"I'm leaving." Ryan blurted, standing up to find his clothes. Troy grabbed his wrist and pointed lazily to the dreadful book that was quickly becoming one of Ryan's worst nightmares.

"Kill me please…"