My posting sucks so bad D:
Anyway, this is for my dearest wifey, for her unfailing encouragement and general brilliance!
Kai had always been secretive. It was a natural part of him. No matter what he did, no matter how innocent or normal, he hid it from people. Rei had learned this after several occasions of thinking Kai was up to something and finding out that really, he wasn't- like the time with the kittens. Kai had been staying out late, so one night Rei had followed him, expecting to see Kai meet up with a dealer or something. Instead, Kai had gone to a deserted warehouse and fed a litter of kittens. Then of course Kai had realised he'd been followed, leading to a rather uncomfortable situation which Rei had eventually defused by apologising repeatedly and helping Kai find good homes for the kittens to go to.
Really, such excessive observation was unnecessary- anyone who was around Kai for very long would say he was naturally secretive. And that was why when Rei noticed that Kai had started getting up much earlier than everyone else and that he wasn't spending as much time with the group as usual, he wasn't that worried. It was just Kai being Kai.
The early rising and hiding away went on for weeks, months, before Rei realised there was something wrong. And it was completely by chance that he did.
A chorus of pigeons sitting on his windowsill and cooing at him had woken him up at an obscene hour, and because they hadn't shut up even when he'd opened the window and tried to shoo them away (nearly falling out of his room in the process) he'd decided to just get up. After a bowl of cornflakes drenched in milk, it had seemed like a nice idea to go for a walk. To enjoy the day, as badly as it had started.
The streets had been empty as he went along, and Rei had found the resulting silence quite pleasant. He could think without being distracted. The only noise as he walked all around town and back to the dojo was the sound of his feet clicking on the pavement. Which was why when he -did- get back to the dojo, he was aware of every sound in the air, no matter how small it was. The rustling of bedclothes inside, the cooing of those horrible pigeons, the clink of glass on wood...
Glass?
Curious and slightly concerned, Rei crept towards the source of the noise, feet picking a silent path around until he was looking through the kitchen window. And-
Oh. Only Kai. Just Kai being his usual secretive self. He was leaning against the countertop wearing nothing but his boxers- a sight Rei found rather pleasant. He found Kai very attractive and had for a long time, which at first had made him rather uncomfortable. But as his interest in Mariah had waned and his liking of Kai had increased over time, Rei had accepted that he preferred other guys. Not, of course, that he would ever confess that to Kai. Instead he watched the Russian as he pushed his hair out of his face, eyes drinking in his pale body, from his curving arm to his flat stomach and his perfect legs.
As he followed every minute movement the Russian made, the shifting of his shoulders and the rising and falling of his chest, Rei noticed something. Something that seemed out of place and somehow...wrong. It was a bottle.
Not that a bottle was an unusual thing in the kitchen, but seeing as it was a vodka bottle, and that a few seconds after he'd noticed it Kai had picked it up off the counter and gulped from it like it was water, it was very unusual. And it made Rei very uneasy. Kai was drinking? So early on a morning? On his own?
He ducked out of sight as Kai's eyes flicked towards the window, heart thudding. Trying to make sense of the brief scene he'd borne witness to, he went back round to the front door and crept inside, deciding to go up to his room and feign sleep for a while in case Kai had seen something and been suspicious...
But after that, Rei started to notice things about Kai. Things that appeared to have been staring him in the face all along. He wasn't sure how he'd managed to miss them, but they were there. Firstly, there was the fact that Kai had been neglecting to put on his face paint for a while. A few days, maybe. If just anyone had noticed that they would have dismissed it. Assumed Kai couldn't be bothered to keep putting it on every day, or that he'd decided it looked stupid. But Rei knew. The face paint was a -part- of Kai, just like his hair, his eyes, and his clothes.
Clothes, which also seemed to be being neglected. Usually Kai was very finicky about his appearance, but since Rei had seen him in the kitchen he'd realised that that was changing. Kai usually insisted on his clothes being impeccably ironed before he would even consider putting them on, but now there were creases in his shirts, and his collars weren't properly straight. And everyone in the group, at some point, had complained about the extra washing he generated by never wearing anything more than once, no matter how short a time he wore it for. But now, Rei watched him wear the same trousers three days in a row- unthinkable for Kai!
And then there was the secrecy. Well, no, not the secrecy, that was normal for Kai. But the -increased- secrecy was worrying. And the fact that Kai wasn't just opting out of the team's company but actually -consciously- avoiding it made Rei suspicious. Almost as suspicious as he'd been when he'd caught a faint whiff of alcohol coming from the Russian every time he'd gotten up close to him. It was well masked, of course, by aftershave and deodorant, and Rei was quite sure that none of the others could smell it. But the fact was that he could.
And the more important fact was that he knew something wasn't right. So he decided to do some checking...
The third day after he'd seen Kai in the kitchen saw Rei sneaking into Kai's room. He knew Kai was outside making Takao train and yelling at him, so he took the opportunity to find out more about what was going on.
As he opened the door of the Russian's bedroom, a musty, sweaty smell hit his nostrils like a tonne weight. Obviously Kai hadn't opened his windows in the last few days. And judging by the mess spread all over the floor, he hadn't tidied it either, which was completely weird. Kai was the most obsessively tidy person Rei knew, it was completely unlike him to leave his room in such a state...
Stepping carefully so as not to disturb anything and give the game away, Rei padded around the room, looking for a clue, a hint, any kind of sign as to why Kai was acting so strangely. He had an inkling of what might be the problem, but he found his first real, solid clue when he looked under the desk. Kai's bin was always under there, and usually it was filled with bits of paper and the occasional biscuit wrapper. Now, though, it was full of bottles. Empty bottles. Vodka, whiskey, alcopops...
Rei had never seen Kai drink except for that morning in the kitchen. Kai never drank at parties; he didn't even drink wine with meals, even if everyone else did. If Kai was drinking this much alone, it was definitely a bit off. Rei knew for a fact he'd only emptied the bin about a fortnight before, and that the amount of empty bottles Kai had accumulated over that short time was, to say the least, a shock. And now that he came to think of it, the mess had been just starting back then. The odd book strewn on the floor and not replaced on the shelf. It hadn't seemed like much then, but the mess now was just so out of character...
As he heard the front door slam and listened to Kai snapping at Takao for being useless, Rei ran out of Kai's room, shutting the door carefully behind him and diving into his room, snatching up a book as Kai stomped along in front of the doorframe. "Hey Kai."
His greeting went without reply, ignored for all he knew. Dropping the book, Rei nibbled his lip, even more concerned and even more determined to get to the bottom of the matter...
The next day, following a plan he'd laid out carefully in his head the night before, Rei got up very early. Ridiculously early. Then he sat next to his bedroom door, forcing himself to stay awake, listening for Kai. Within the space of ten minutes, he heard someone moving on the landing. It had to be Kai. No one else would get out of bed at such an obscene hour.
After another few minutes, he opened his bedroom door slowly so as to keep it from creaking, and went to the kitchen. With false airiness he shoved the door open, faking surprise as he saw Kai hide something behind his back. Another bottle? Rei suspected so. "Morning, Kai. I didn't think anyone else would be up at this hour." He said, smiling. Keeping up his facade, he grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and bit into it, munching unconcernedly and pretending not to notice when Kai twitched visibly. "So, how are you right now, Kai? We haven't talked in a while..."
"I'm fine." A fast answer.
"You sure? You look like you could do with going back to bed, Kai. And is your arm okay?"
"Hn?"
"Well, you're holding it all funny..." Before Kai could move away, Rei stepped forwards and grabbed his arm, tugging it forwards to reveal-
"Vodka? I didn't know you drank, Kai..." Yeah, right...
"Well. I do."
"So early?" Kai shrugged. "So are you big on drinking then?"
"Why are you asking?" Snapped Kai, yanking his arm out of Rei's loose grip and backing away a step.
"...Did I say something to upset you, Kai?" Rei's feet tapped on the cold floor as he followed Kai, both of them moving in the same direction until Kai hit the countertop and could go no further. Rei pressed his question. "What's the matter, Kai? Why don't you want to tell me how much you drink?" He got right up close to the Russian, ignoring the fluttery feeling the action brought to his stomach. "Is it because you're drinking too much?" When no reply seemed to be forthcoming, he decided to elaborate. "I went into your room, Kai."
"You had no right to!" Kai spat, glaring.
"Kai, I saw how many bottles there were! And I saw you the other morning, swilling vodka like juice! You have a problem, Kai!"
"I don't, and even if I did it's NONE of your business!" Kai exploded, cheeks crimson with rage.
"Kai-"
Kai just snorted and shoved him away, stalking out of the kitchen.
Rei tried to talk to Kai the next day about what had happened, but the Russian didn't want to know. After the fifth time of being told to piss off, he gave up, deciding to get on with reading the new book he'd bought and not found the time to read.
Several hours later, when he'd gotten about three quarters through the book, someone knocked on his bedroom door. Reluctantly he put the book down, but before he could get up to open it the door swung open, revealing Kai.
"...Kai?"
The Russian said nothing, just sat down on the bed beside him, looking at the floor. Leaning closer, Rei could smell alcohol on him, stronger than ever before. "Kai? What is it?" A pause. "Have you been drinking?" Kai shook his head from side to side vehemently, still not speaking. "...Did you want to talk to me?" Kai shook his head again, looking up at Rei with a sheepish smile. "What?" Kai's silence was starting to worry him. Usually, if Kai wanted something or had something to say, he didn't waste time letting you know about it.
The Russian beckoned him closer, and closer still, until Rei was close beside him. "Is it something you want to whisper? No one would be able to hear you if you just said it qui-" Rei was stopped mid-sentence by Kai grabbing him and kissing him. Which was shocking in itself, but even more shocking when Kai pushed him down onto the bed and leaned over him, stroking his cheek as his kisses moved down to the neko-jin's throat.
Rei didn't know what to do. It felt really, -really- good...but this wasn't Kai. This was all wrong. Kai was drunk, that was all it was. It wouldn't be the first time someone who'd been drinking had mistaken him for a girl. As Kai tried to pry his legs apart, Rei realised that he had to do something to stop him. Kai would be horrified if he sobered up and realised he'd kissed another guy. And if he remembered Rei letting him do it, it might lead the Russian to certain conclusions, conclusions that Rei didn't want him to reach...
"Kai, what are you -doing-?" He asked, pushing Kai back and trying not to let the hurt look on the Russian's face affect him. "You're -drunk-!"
"I'm not!"
"Yes you are. I can smell it, Kai." Kai looked hurt, sitting back and then standing up. "Kai..."
The door slammed after Kai, and Rei flopped back onto his bed, sighing. He had to do something. The drinking and all the things that went with it were all wrong, and not like Kai at all. He was certain that despite Kai's assertions, he had a problem.
It was hard to see Kai as an alcoholic, but as time went by Rei couldn't come to any other conclusion. The amounts he was drinking, and the fact that he was hiding it from everyone...the fact that he'd stopped caring about how he looked or whether or not his room was tidy...they were all arrows pointing at one thing. Rei knew he had to do something to help, but what?
And a week after that, Kai was still avoiding him. Rei didn't know if the Russian was ashamed of his behaviour or angry with him, or if he was just doing it to be even more secretive. Rei was sitting in his bedroom reading when Kai stormed past his door. He was tempted to get up and go and try talking to him again, but when he heard the door of Kai's room slam he decided against it, flopping back down on his bed.
Over the course of the next two hours, Rei dragged his duvet onto the floor and curled up in it, holding his book in the air to read it. He was only half-concentrating on the story, though- most of this thoughts were focused towards Kai. About what he could say to him. What he could do for him. But considering Kai's insistence that there was nothing wrong, and his temper...it seemed hopeless.
Rei felt as if his options were all disappearing. It was coming to the point where he couldn't keep it to himself. He had to tell someone. But who? And how? And even if he did, how would they be able to help Kai?
"Rei?" The door of his room swung open, revealing Takao, looking annoyed. "Have you seen Kai?"
"Um...isn't he in his room?" Rei sat up, uncurling himself from his duvet.
"Well if he is, he's gone deaf all of a sudden."
"Well...I didn't hear him leave..." And suddenly Rei knew. Something had happened. Something was wrong. Takao, of course, having no idea of the situation, looked guilty as Rei shot to his feet. "It's not life or death or anything-"
"Takao...just..." Forgoing an explanation, Rei shoved past Takao and ran for Kai's bedroom door, pushing it open despite Takao's protest that it wasn't that important. It was a short-lived protest anyway, considering that the smell blossoming out of Kai's room had them both coughing and holding their noses in disgust. Sweat, alcohol...urine...
Horrified at what might have happened, Rei ran inside. Kai was lying on his side on the bed, eyes firmly closed, accentuating the bags beneath them. He was wearing a half-buttoned shirt, one arm lolling off the bed, an almost empty bottle clasped loosely by the dangling hand. And his jeans...God, his jeans...
There was a suspicious stain spread across the front of them, one that made Rei feel ill when he realised what it was.
Kai had wet himself.
Disgusted and shocked, Rei turned to Takao, who was just standing in the doorway staring. Upset and angry at what Kai had done to himself, Rei marched over and shook him roughly. "Kai!" Nothing. "KAI!" An answering groan. Rei dragged the Russian into a sitting position, glaring. "Kai, what the hell are you doing? What have you -done-? Takao, go and open the curtains!" The Japanese obeyed, and the resulting influx of light left Kai groaning and trying to cover his eyes.
"Turn the light off...fuck's sake..."
"No! Not until you explain this, Kai!"
"Explain what?" Kai grumbled, squinting. Rei snatched the bottle out of his hand, waving it at him.
"This! That!" He yelled, pointing at the stain on Kai's trousers. "I want you to explain everything! You were lying passed out on your bed! You have a problem, Kai! You're drinking too much!"
"I'm not! And it's none of your business anyway!" Kai hollered back, trying to push Rei away. The neko-jin dropped the bottle; grabbing Kai's arms and watching the liquid- whatever it was- seep into the carpet. "Don't talk crap, Kai! It's plenty of my business!"
"IT ISN'T! Kai roared, kicking out at him. Rei gasped in pain as a booted foot smashed into his shin, his anger melting into fury. Without really knowing what he was doing, he slapped Kai across the face, catching him off guard. As the Russian rubbed his reddening cheek, Rei took the opportunity to talk.
"Kai, you have a problem. And don't tell me you don't because you -do-. The amount you're drinking isn't normal. And how you're drinking it isn't normal. Don't even -try- to tell me it is!" He exploded as Kai opened his mouth to speak "And you know what else isn't normal? Getting so drunk you piss yourself! Just accept that there's something wrong!"
"Um..." Rei turned to find Takao standing behind him, looking confused and a little stunned. Of course. Takao. Rei had forgotten about him in the heat of the moment. "Go and wait in my room, Taka. I need to talk to Kai alone."
When Takao had gone, Rei turned back to Kai, who didn't seem to want to look him in the eye. "Kai..." Rei knelt on the floor in front of him, hoping Kai had finally seen sense. "Please, Kai...you need help..." He leaned closer, trying to catch the Russian's eye, but Kai just turned his head away, giving Rei a glimpse of a look that he had never seen on Kai's face before.
Embarrassment.
"Kai..."
"I..." The Russian bowed his head, rubbing his eyes. "I didn't realise...that it was so bad..."
"It is. And you need help..." Kai looked up at him, eyes glassy with tears.
"I'm sorry..."
"No, it's okay..."
"I'm sorry..." Kai repeated, burying his face in his hands. Rei couldn't be sure, but it seemed as if he was crying. Tentatively, he sat down beside him, touching his shoulder with a cautious hand. Kai gave a barely audible sob and sank against him, leaving Rei to hold him close and hope everything was going to change for the better...
Rei stood in the kitchen, waiting for Kai to get back. It had taken a lot of persuasion to get him to go to an alcoholics anonymous meeting, up to and including Rei bursting into tears and accusing him of being the worst friend in the world. Rei could only hope that the Russian hadn't hated it too much, and that he would go back the next time and let himself be helped.
He was just starting to worry when he heard footsteps approaching, running for the door and opening it, and in his haste almost falling over Takao's shoes. Kai was standing there watching him, face all but expressionless. "So...how was it?" His only answer was a shrug.
His disappointment must have shown on his face, because as soon as Kai had kicked off his shoes, he turned back around and took hold of Rei's upper arm, looking at him guiltily. "Can we talk?" Rei's heart soared. Kai wanted to talk! Kai actually -wanted- to talk to him! He all but dragged the Russian into the kitchen, dithering.
"Coffee?"
"No. Not right now. I...I just need to talk to you..."
"Well...why don't we sit down?"
When they were both seated at the table, Kai sighed, staring at a knot in the wood. "I..." He stopped. "They said..." Another stop. "Someone...at the meeting...said that if I wanted to...you know...well...I..." Rei could tell from Kai's hesitant speaking that he wanted to say something he found embarrassing, so he declined comment, waiting for the Russian to get his thoughts together. "They say it's good to...talk about why you drink. Or why you were drinking. To...tell your friends and family..."
"Right..."
"I mean...sometimes there isn't a problem and you just can't help it, but I..." When Kai looked up, Rei noticed that he was blushing.
"I'm gay, Rei. And...I know that where you come from, that's not...you know, done...but I..." He looked so mortified that Rei almost didn't register what he'd just been told. So Kai was-
"I'm...very attracted to you, Rei. I'm sorry..." Rei was still reeling from what Kai had said before, so this new tidbit of information was enough to leave him gawping like an idiot. "I don't want you to think it's your fault, because...because it's not, it's my fault, I thought that I could make all my problems go away by getting drunk, because I just couldn't see a way of solving them-"
Kai had been so absorbed in trying to explain himself that he hadn't noticed Rei get up and walk around to his side of the table. In fact, he only noticed the neko-jin had moved at all when Rei touched his shoulder. "Kai..." The Russian looked up at him sadly.
"I'm sorry, Rei...I know this is going to affect your opinion of me-"
"I wish you'd said something..." Rei cut in. Kai blinked at him. In explanation, Rei reached down and grabbed Kai's hand, squeezing it tightly. "You're not so unattractive yourself, Kai..."
The extremes of expression Kai's face ran through after that comment made Rei smile, a smile that grew even wider when Kai's features settled into a look of pleased shock. "You...you mean that? You're-?"
Rei nodded, blushing and unable to stop smiling. And as Kai looked back at him in exactly the same way, he could tell that the problem was solved.
Fin
R&R, make a Yazzy's day!